White guy: So, do you have any plans for this evening?
Asian girl: Yeah, being angry!
White guy: Oh, that sounds good.

Guy #1: So this Jack guy is basically the luckiest man in the world.
Guy #2: Why, because he's survived like 5 attempts on his life and it's not even noon?
Guy #1: No; he could totally nail those two chicks.

Dad: Could you tell me where the auditorium is?
Security guy: It's on the second floor.
Dad: Wait, you mean it's actually in the building?

Girl: But, I mean, it's not like I ever plan on giving birth.
Guy: Well, if your mother gave birth, it's like your chances are good that you'll give birth too.
Girl: ...Uh, dude, mother gave birth.
Guy: Absolutely.
Guy #1: I don't mind getting old; I love getting old.
Guy #2: Yeah, just as long as you don't get pregnant.

Hobo: Can you spare any change?
Man: Sorry, no.
Hobo: Who the hell you saying no to? I wasn't asking you anyway, asshole!

Hobo: Excuse me, this is a picture of my daughter Sofiya, she was in a fire recently and now she is brain damage can you spare some change so that we can give her a proper funeral? Anything will help, even a penny.
Man: Wait a minute! Is this the same daughter that was in a fire last summer? You mean to tell me you haven't buried her yet?

Guy: How old are you?
Hipster girl: You know, I never answer that question. Because to me, it's about how mature you are, you know? I mean, a fourteen year old could be more mature than a twenty-five year old, right? I'm sorry, I just never answer that question.
Guy: But, uh, you're older than eighteen, right?
Hipster girl: Oh, yeah.

Queer #1: What should I get? I'll have a falafel. Ha, ha!
Queer #2: I'll have one of these lamb slices.
Pizza guy: Eggplant.
Queer #2: No, one of these.
Pizza guy: That's eggplant.
Queer #2: Oh...Well, it looked like lamb.
Queer #1: I'm gonna throw caution to the wind and get a cheese slice.
Queer #3: That's not lamb. Maybe you should ask for a duck confit slice.

Man: Is this kosher?
Vendor guy: Um...there's kosher salt in the bacon.

Man #1: Yo! You just picked your nose! You're not gonna wash your hands first?
Man #2: Why? It's not like I picked your nose.

Guy #1: You're the first person I've seen that washed their hands before going to the toilet.
Guy #2: My godfather was a doctor and he got it into my head at a young enough age that I had to always do it.
Guy #1: Really? He must have been a bit of a strange doctor.
Guy #2: Yeah...He specialized in infectious diseases.

Girl: Why do I have to die, why can't you die?
Guy: .
Girl: Well...that's not fair.

Old man: You are the most beautiful woman in the world.
Girl: Aw, thanks!
Guy: She has crabs !

Guy #1: What can I say? I'm a sucker for orphan stories.
Guy #2: Or something.
Guy #1: Think about it: I loved Lemony Snicket, Party of Five , Diff'rent Strokes , Star Wars .
Guy #2: Yeah. Wait. Luke wasn't an orphan.
Guy #1: Well, he sort of was, spiritually.

Guy: I could be fired for 8 counts of sexual harassment last night.
Girl: Yeah, and that's just on me alone.
Guy: Oh man, really?
Girl: Yeah, but you bought me a drink, so it's okay.

Asian girl: I really like sleep sex.
White girl #1: What's that?
Asian girl: You know, when you're sleeping and you wake up and you're having sex. Sleep sex.
White girl #2: You mean getting raped?

Little boy: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?
Dad: Of course.
Little boy: Will you remember me next week?
Dad: Yes.
Little boy: Next month?
Dad: Yup.
Little boy: Next year? Two years? Three years?
Dad. Yes, yes and yes.
Little boy: ...Knock, knock.
Dad: Who's there?
Little boy: Aw, man! You forgot me already!

Guy #1: Bitches are all emotional, guys use their head. That is why I call emotional guys "bitches."
Guy #2: Word.
Guy #1: But bitches are crazy, they will call the cops on you now. They will slap themselves in the face and when the cops show up they will point at you.
Guy #2: Fo' sho'.
Guy #1: That is why I ain't got no kids. I don't want a bunch of my seed running around and people calling me a scumbag because I don't take care of my kids. Bitch will turn on you for that child support.
Guys #2: I know my girl ain't gonna be doing that because she know I'm only making minimum wage.

Woman: I remember kindergarten. I got lots of candy and everyone wanted to play with me and I used to wet the bed a lot.
Man: You used to what?
Woman: I used to wet the bed. So they decided to move my bed farther away from the bathroom.

Tween girl #1: I'm gonna call that number 1-800-DIVORCE. I want to divorce my parents.
Tween boy: You can't divorce your parents, stupid. Can you marry your parents? No!
Tween girl #1: Technically, technically you can but that's just sick.
Tween girl #2: You're not really divorcing your parents. It's more like they giving up they rights.
Tween girl #1: Look, I call it divorcing your parents because that's what they called it on The Simpsons so that's why I say it.

Queer #1: That used to be a fun place. Remember that backroom? That was a fun backroom!
Queer #2: Are you nuts? It was a nasty firetrap full of gropey old trolls, people came on me without my permission , and I had my wallet stolen!
Queer #1: True.

Woman: Hi!...Oh, I thought you were someone else.
Man: I am.

Indian mom: Eat your chicken.
Drunk Irishman: Ach, what nice bebbies. I have a child too.
Indian mom: That's nice.
Drunk Irishman: Just the one, though. The doctor told me wife, that's it. No more chidren for you.
Indian mom: I see.
Little girl: Grandma, who is that man?
Indian mom: I'm your mother, not your grandmother.
Drunk Irishman: Her boss made her lift a 500 pound piano all by her self. A tiny woman! A 500 pound piano!
Indian mom: I see.
Drunk Irishman: So no more children. And me one of nine, you know. Including the one deadborn one.

Guy #1: Why did you cut your knish like you're an Asian person?
Girl: Because I'm a !
Guy #2: Anna, you are one crazy cookie.
Man: I have never seen so many chinks in one Starbucks in all my life.
Guy: This is, like, the third time they've made me feel stupid in public. God, I hate Chinese people!

Girl: I think its a complete failure as an expression of ideology, but it is aesthetically pleasing.
Guy: What, circumcision?
Girl: No, Futurism.

Guy #1: So I had ex sex last night.
Guy #2: How was it?
Guy #1: Amazing as always, but now I'm fucked cause she's gonna start calling me again.
Guy #2: Imagine that, you sleep with someone and then they call you...Crazy.

Tween girl: Why isn't she smiling?
Mom: Honey, the French gave her to us. Smiling is an American thing.
Dad: Listen to your mother, she knows a lot.

Girl: Whatever, tell your brother to go back to prison, learn how to read, and then he can talk to me.
Guy: But you egged his car! You egged his fucking car! What kind of bitch eggs someone's car?

Drunk guy: You're the best lookin' thing in here.
Waitress: Number 1, I'm not a thing. Number 2, thanks!

Pizza guy: You can't get a slice, man. Your money is fake
Dude: My money is real. I get it at the bank. Straight from the white man.

HS girl #1: I saw on TV last night they were saying how you can bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: Uh, how dead?
HS girl #1: Like Hitler...
HS girl #3: That's crazy. I read the Bible. You can bring people back from the dead.
HS girl #2: , they brought Jesus back from the dead.

Chick #1: Girl, my feets is killin' me. I's goin' home, gettin' in bed, put on the TV. I'm done.
Chick #2: Change your name to Saran, 'cause it's a wrap.

Girl #1: Your room always smells so good, like coconuts and coffee. It reminds me of the Caribbean. What kind of candles do you have?
Girl #2: That's not from a candle. The coconut is from the foot cream I use so my feet don't stink and the coffee smell is there because I spilled some on my carpet and never cleaned it up.
Girl #1: Oh...where can I get the foot cream, then?

Bag lady: Could someone spare some change? My welfare was denied.
Crazy lady: Yeah, yeah, they denied mine the first time too. Get over it.
Man: Does anyone know how to get to--
Crazy lady: They aren't listening, they aren't going to talk to you. They can't talk. They are all mute.

Asian chick: So that's it, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
Asian chick: We're breaking up, then?
Asian guy: Yep.
A few minutes pass.
Asian chick: Hey, you'd look good with that girl up there in the pink checked coat.

Tourist lady #1: Is this it?
Tourist lady #2: I think this is it.
Tourist lady #1: You'd think they'd have signs or something.
Tourist lady #2: Yeah, this must be it, though.

Fratboy: This one is awesome. Chicks love it....or, um, dudes, if you're into that kind of thing.
Suit: I am, thank you.
Fratboy: Awesome. Good save, huh?
Suit: Yeah. Thanks for the recommendation.
Fratboy: Anytime.

Hobo #1: What flavors you got?
Clerk guy: We have regular, orange, raspberry, and vanilla.
Hobo #1: We'll take vanilla.
Hobo #2: Vanilla? What are you, gay?

Store girl: Here's your receipt and have a happy holiday!
Store guy: The holidays are over.
Store girl: Valentine's Day is coming up.
Thug guy: Yo, happy New Year's, man.
Janitor guy: New Year's is over, yo.
Thug guy: Happy Mother's Day!

God Squad man: Jesus saves! Books $1 only.
Guy: Fuck Jesus.
God Squad man: Fuck your mother...and your father. Jesus saves people. Books, $1.

Guy #1: We goin' uptown or downtown?
Guy #2: Nigga, we goin' .
Girl: I went to Boston this weekend. Mostly just to avoid the L train.
Guy: I can't believe I was cockblocked by the L train.

Chick: Are you hungry? I have some leftover vietnamese food you can have.
Hobo: Well, what is it? I'm religious. I don't eat pork.
Chick: There's no pork. It's just vegetarian noodles.
Hobo: Noodles? Nah, I'm trying to cut back on carbs.

Hipster guy: I need a woman to love me so I can alienate her. The love part, that's where it gets difficult.
Girl #1: Oh, come on. It's so easy to find a needy bitch.
Girl #2: Have you tried AA?

Girl #1: I haven't seen our homeless guy lately.
Girl #2: We have a homeless guy?
Girl #1: Yeah, the guy who lives on that mattress under our building.
Girl #2: Oh yeah...I hope he's okay, I haven't seen him all week.
Girl #1: You know you're a New Yorker when you worry about where your homeless guy is.

Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I'll buy you a drink.
Sober girl: No, thanks. There's a five dollar cover.
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I'll give you five dollars.
Sober girl: I don't dance.
Drunk guy: I think you're hot.
Sober girl: I'm sorry...Watch out. You're setting yourself on fire.
Drunk guy: I'm on fire for you, baby!

Tourist guy: Why do the buildings in New York have water tanks on the
roofs?
Cop guy: I don't know...maybe they knock it over if the building
goes up in flames.

Guy #1: Man, I really need to listen to more rap.
Guy #2: Dude, you don't need to listen; you need to live it.

HS girl: I didn't want to listen to my dad explain sex to my mom.
HS boy: Why would your dad explain sex to your mom?
HS girl: Because my brother asked what the song, "Come my lady, come, come my lady" meant. And mom didn't know.
HS boy: What does that song have to do with sex?
HS girl: You don't ? You're the only person in the world who doesn't know.
HS boy: Your brother didn't know.
HS girl: My brother is 7.

Guy: Yeah, that's the first thing I learned when I moved here: don't eat street meat, it's probably pigeon or something.
Girl #1: Yeah, I wish I could get my husband to stop eating it.
Girl #2: I don't care what kind of meat it is as long as it's in my mouth.
Girl #1: That's my sister; she's looking for a hook-up.
Girl #2: No, I'm not!
Guy: I'm married.

A little tries to stuff his baseball cap in his pants.
Mother: That cap belongs on your head!
Little boy: It on my head.

Teen girl #1: Yeah, I ran away once, 'cause like, my parents were making me study for a science test.
Teen girl #2: Oh my god, you don't have any problems. My parents are making me get a job!
Teen boy: Not having money to buy food is a . Not having an is a problem.

Drunk guy: Don't you with !
Sober woman: ?
Drunk guy: You sleep with a different guy every night!
Sober woman: I do not. What are you talking about?
Drunk guy: You . You want to .
Sober woman: This is ridiculous. I've had enough. I don't have to take this anymore. Goodbye!
She leaves. He turns to the next table.
Drunk guy: Yeah, did you see that girl who just left? I just dumped her. Can I buy you two a drink?

Dude: Do you guys sell bling?
Store guy: All the way in the back, under the skeleton pimp.

Guy: I'm like your gay boyfriend.
Girl: Kind of.
Guy: ...only without the gay sex part, of course.
Girl: Yes, and without the sense of style.
Guy: I don't know if I'd say that...
Girl: See, you're just very emotional. But you should really work on the style, 'cause it's the best thing about the gay.

Woman: Move, motherfuckers, move !
Yuppie guy: Wait for the next one, this is too packed.
Woman: Bitch, I have to be on this train!
Yuppie guy: This isn't the train to heaven, you know. It's, like, going to Queens.

Girl: One pack of Parliament Lights.
Vendor guy: You 18?
Girl: Well, I'm actually 22.
Crazy guy: Girly, you look like you are 10...but it's okay. I like that.

American girl: Yeah, the subway runs express out of Astoria and local into Astoria. It wouldn't make sense any other way. See all the people on the train?
German guy: Why would it only run express one way?
American girl: You're not from here, I don't expect you to understand.

Girl #1: You wanna hear something, like, totally outrageous?
Girl #2: Always!
Girl #1: ...One side of my hair grows faster than the other.
Girl #2: No way! That's weird.
Girl #1: Yeah! Like, the right side grows faster than the left side, and I have to show up at a salon and have them cut off the right side but not the left.
Girl #2: ...You're weird.

Guy: I keep getting screwed over on my haircuts! Last time they left it way too shaggy in the back, and this time it's much too short. I need to find a stylist I can stick with.>
Chick: Hmm, so your hair is like shlong or something.
Guy: Huh?
Chick: Shlong. Like short-long. Shlong.
Guy: Um, well, "shlong" means "penis" in Yiddish. So, uh, ha, ha, no.
Chick: Oh, I didn't know that!
Guy: I sure hope I don't have a penis growing out the back of my head.
Girl #1: So my brother's bar mitzvah is this Saturday and he asked me to cut off my hawk for it so I cut it off, but on Sunday I am going to dye it black with orange tips.
Girl #2: Very Halloween, a bit late
Girl #1: Yeah, but it'll look good.
Hipster guy #1: No way! I thought I passed you the other day, but thought, "Nah, it couldn't be him, he wouldn't grow his hair that long."
Hipster guy #2: Yeah. No. I grew it out, man.
Hipster guy #1: You look like Axl Rose!
Hipster guy #2: It's more of a Southern rock thing really. Like a My Morning Jacket look.

Teen girl #1: Let's go in this store.
Teen girl #2: I don't know...it looks kind of sketch. And there's a weird guy staring at us.
Teen girl #1: Come on! What have we got to lose?
Teen girl #3: Um, our virginity?

Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: What?
Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: " "?
Woman: Yeah, there's this dog called Perhaps that hangs around here. Yours looks just like it.

Teen boy: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dwayne and I am in a program that keeps me and other kids like me off the street. They have us sell candy for $1. All profits go directly to the youth program that keeps us off the street. If you would like to purchase Snickers, Twix or Starburst, they are only $1.
Hobo: Hey, lady! Hey, fat lady! Buy some candy. You like candy, don't you? Fat lady! Get some candy! Get some!
Lady: Asshole.

Girl: Do you smell that? Smells like straight up pussy in this bitch.
Guy: I wouldn't know.
Girl: What do you mean you wouldn't know? It's pussy.
Guy: I wouldn't know. I'm gay.
Girl: Damn, son. So what does dick smell like?
Guy: Wouldn't you know? I mean when you get on your knees?

Queer on cell: So I saw this store that was going out of business...Yeah, so I got a faith and three hopes...Or was it two faiths and three hopes?...Ha, yeah, there wasn't any love or anything. I bet I could sell a faith to Madonna for a hundred million dollars. Like, "Here you go, this is the most religious thing ever. More than you....bitch."...Ha, ha, yeah. "It has holy waters from all over the world. The Pope came on it."

Old man: Don't go see no shows, peoples! Shows is the fruits of the devil's wombs!
Crazy guy: ...And Jesus coming. I know you have heard this before, but this is real. Jesus is coming right now!
Tourist girl: Wait, New York University is a Catholic school?
Businessguy: Those hi-tech bloggers are !
Teen girl: I always thought Gandhi was like back in the time of Jesus.
Guy: You can't spell good without God. God is good. You need God for good. It's good that people down in Louisiana don't have clothes.
Hobo: If the Jehovah's Witnesses won't give you no pussy, then fuck 'em!
Crazy guy: You're gonna burn! You're all gonna burn! The agents of Satan will burn you all!

Guy: They had to cut off my favorite jeans, and my Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! hoodie. I was pissed, man. I made that thing myself. I put the pixelated blood on it and everything. I would have said
something, but you know, I was kind of unconscious.

Cashier chick: You have to take care of yourself now? That's a lot of money, honey; you better start designing clothes or something.
Black woman: Now my life. Fishnet stockings, woo!
Guy on cell: Damn nigga, ! I seriously never even bought a CD, 'cept for blank ones to burn from a spindle. Yeah...Wal-Mart...I'm a mufuckin' pirate! I need a peg leg and an eyepatch an' shit.
Store lady: Look at these people. They try on shoes and then leave them all over the floor. Like this is they house.
Lady: Do you know your shirt's on inside-out?
Teen girl: My face is zippered! I zippered my face! Ahhh!
Driver woman: I can see your underpants!
Guy: Didn't some retard dress up like the Statue of Liberty or something?
Hipster chick: I'll pay ya when we get back to the office. These pants are suede; I can't keep any money in the pockets. I put money in, and it slides right out.

Guy: I don't know what they put in their food, but I took one dump, and then I had to take another!

Guy on cell: But I take a shit!
Man: Have you tried this? It doesn't taste like chocolate. It tastes like shit.
Construction guy: See what I do when I leave here, I get me some milk, and I drink the milk, and all that dust we be breathin' in, I shit it out.
Nurse lady: There's nothing like a little jar of pee sitting on your desk.
Woman on cell: So did they pee pee in the potty?
Chick: The only person's poo I want to be smelling is my own.
Dad: The third rail will make you go buzz...My friend knew a guy who got drunk, pissed on the track, electrocuted himself and died.
MTA woman: ...and you know what else you can't eat when you're going to be working the front of the train? Welch's grape juice. You'll get the worst shits ever!

Hobo: Hold the train! I'm just going to go get some sugar for my coffee!

Hobo: Care to make a donation to the Broke Ass Foundation?
Hobo: I got one thing to say to you: "Thank you." And...I got two things to say to you: "Thank you" and "Flame on!"
Hobo: Hey...I'm gonna rob you...then I'm gonna lick your twat!
Hobo: , spare some change for a homeless pirate!
Hobo: Spare change, please?...Have a nice day...I'm sorry you can't read...Have a nice day.
Hobo: All right everybody! Let's all donate to the 99 Niggers
Are Homeless Fund!
Hobo: I accept anything in bills, no change please. Your one dollar can buy me 6 chicken nuggets from McDonalds. Five dollars can buy me a whole meal. Ten dollars can get me some nice booze so for a couple of hours I don't have to think about doing this again tomorrow.
Hobo: Man, I told you I wanted a latte. Ain't nobody listens these days.
Hobo: Why you got a skirt on? Why you showin' your legs? You know guys like legs, I bet you don't even have a pussy under there!
Hobo: If you don't give me money you'll turn out like me.
Hobo: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not feeling so good today so I'm going to make this quick. Relax, miss, this is not a robbery.
Hobo: Can you spare a dime? Do I look like Malcolm X to you? Do I look like Brother Malcolm? If Brother Malcolm was here, would you give him a dime? Hell no !
Hobo: Excuse me ma'am, where is Iraq? You got a map? Tell me, where is Iraq? How you gonna send American troops there if ya don't even know where the damn place is ? Where is Iraq? You don't mind that I'm drinking, do ya, ma'am? Where is Iraq ? Someone tell me!
UHO guy: Spare some money for the homeless! Every penny counts! Spare some money...Yeah, that little piece of paper is going to help.
Hobo: Hey, do you have any change to spare?...Hey, that's a nice coat, can I have it?
Hobo: Fuck you! I ain't waitin' on line for no fuckin' soup! If I'm gonna kiss anyone's ass, it's gonna be my own...Bobblehead!

Woman: I mean, what kind of person marches their daughter into their sixth grade class and announces that their daughter just ate a whole chicken? Who does that? I never forgave her for that.

Guy: If I ever become a cannibal, now I'll know what cuts of meat to ask for.
Guy: I had a turkey injected with pomegranate juice once. It was very delicious.
Chick on cell: Yeah, if I'm really hungry it doesn't matter about morals anymore, I'll just dive right into bacon, anything. forget about the vegan thing. So for god's sake don't ever leave me alone with bacon. Or human.
Girl: So I actually tried garlic knots one day when I wasn't high and I was like, "Wow, these good...and there's really garlic on them, too!"
Teen girl: I'm hungry. Not hungry like I want to eat, but hungry.
Italian lady: When I was young, my mother used to make so much carbonated food.
Man: Hey, can I have a pizza with no cheese?
Chick on cell: This day is going by fucking slow; it's only 1:30PM...My eye is going to fall out! So what do you want for dinner again?
Walkie talkie: Attention all units, attention all units...Does anyone want Chinese food?
Girl: Ew! Ew! I work at McDonalds; they spit in all your food, I swear to God.

Chick: Don't get too close to Paul because if he busts ass it's going to smell like Y2K!

Announcement: Please do not disturb the canine dogs.

Little girl: We used to have a bunny just like that one! Then we had to take it to the liquor store.
Man: My dog tail is too long. I wanna cut it off.
Girl: I just got a Friendster request from a dog.
Woman on cell: Everyone has a fucking pit bull...it's like everyone on MySpace suddenly got a pit bull.
Hipster guy: You know, now that I don't have a girlfriend, I should get a dog. Isn't that how it works?
Woman: She was happier than a pig having 50 orgasms!
Guy: So we were talking about how warm it was out. So he says, "That stupid fucking groundhog is always wrong!", and I says, "You stupid fucking bastard, that ain't 'til February!"
Girl: You're like a hamster in bed!
Lady: Watch it, mister ! I've got two dogs here. Animals can't see you know!

Blind man: Come on, follow me.

Little girl: Follow me! I'm riding into the future!
Intercom: ...You are requested to be at your gate for your non-stop flight to JFK, New York.
Woman: Red fist. Can't go.
Mom: Quit fucking around on the sidewalk!
Store chick: Next guest with 10 items or less, step down. Not ten and a half, ten.
Guy: Gangstas coming out? What the fuck is that?
Guy on cell: Let's face it. I'm pretty fabulous; I don't need you to come down.

Girl on cell: I know! $100 for pills that aren't even for something that important....it's not like they're AIDS pills!

Chick on cell: He says it's better, but I just say it's cheaper.
Man on cell: It's insane. Eighty percent of twenty-five. Take thirty off of that. Dude, I'm looking at houses. I mean, fuck it.
Man: You tell her that I'll lower it down to $50 for her, and you can assure her, she'll be satisfied at least 3 times.
Guy: You just spent $200 on dinner and you can't spend $2 on a MetroCard?
Girl: Yeah, so I was talking to the guys about getting a pull-out couch so I could stay over, but then Max said I would have to give sexual favors for money if I wanted to stay there.
Girl: Excuse me, are you selling Freud by any chance?

Girl: The fuckin' R train is a motherfuckin' myth. I swear to god, it's the fuckin' unicorn: only fools and virgins can see it.

Dude: I wish I had a shyster lawyer!
Man: Eh. You know, it's my fantasy in life just to be left alone.
Teen boy: I hope the new Xbox has a vagina.
Bouncer guy: I really cried, yo. I thought wrestling was real.
Guy: "Close my eyes and think of England?" In all my born days, I never thought someone would ever say that to me...Then, I met you.
Drunk girl: I wanna like move to a faraway island with a mute sex slave and lots of indigenous pot...That's all I really need because I can talk to them and they can hear...But they can't respond...And they'll just express themselves through sex...Like when they're mad it will get rough...and when they arent mad it will be gentle like the motherfucking ocean.
Magician guy: So you're taping 4 to 5 people in a row? That's great. I
wish my girlfriend could do that. Just kidding.

Guy: If Hitler were still alive and he were gay you would have thought he'd decorated that apartment. It was a soulless aesthetic abomination.

Guy: Yeah, me neither; if you are ugly you at least have to be nice.
Chick on cell: I saw a woman with half a head. Literally half a head. She had this indentation in her left hemisphere where they had taken out her skull to remove her brain. I almost barfed. But I didn't.
Artist guy: C'mon honey, I'll draw your picture, make you look like Chewbacca.
Black guy on cell: Shit, man....Nah, I can't do it...Shit man, nigga look like Mumm-Ra from the Thundercats.
Guy: Carson Daly looks like a colostomy bag...with cocoa butter on it.
Girl: And every time she'd yell at me for something I just wanted to be like, "Shut up, you're ugly."
Guy: You know when you look at someone and you can just tell they're a douchebag, like they have a douchebag face? Yeah, I hate people like that.

Southern girl: I got guys asking me to send them pictures of my cooter. It's like guys know when you're taken; they flock to you like bees to moldy bread.

Chick: You know who's got it tough? Those girls in Africa getting there clits cut off...I mean sometimes I can't afford a cup of coffee but at least I still have my clit.
Construction guy: I that woman. Man, I worship the ground between her legs.
Chick: Well, I'm not going to eat just anyone's pussy, but I'm going to with strangers.
Chick on cell: I just described my pussy as "vagically delicious," and I wanted to leave you a message because I thought you would appreciate that.
Girl: Ew, that felt like vaginal secretion!
Hipster girl: Just tell him you have genital sores.
Chick on cell: I'm PMSing, so like, don't take it personally.

Guy: Omigod dude, the main detective guy from Law & Order: SVU guest stars as a pediatrician on ! I could never imagine him doing the things he's doing right now.
Girl: No dude, omigod, you know he was on and he was a gay prisoner and he liked getting it in the ass and giving it too. That's extreme, man.

Queer: But wait, is English a race?
Guy passerby: Holy shit, that's going on Overheard tomorrow.

Bike guy: Hey girl, I really like your red hair
Chick: Yeah, me too. That's why I dye it. But I don't like it nearly as much as I like not being interrupted when I am tryng to talk to someone.

Cabbie: Are you going this way? I'm not turning around!
Chick: What the..? I'm not hitchhiking, I'm fucking paying you, and if I tell you to turn around you damn well better turn around!
He drives away.
Chick: Yeah, fuck you too, cunty Mr. Crack Whore.
Hipster guy: Lady, you need therapy.
Chick: Man, you need to stop sucking dick. And a haircut.

Teen girl: Wow, that's pretty big.
Teen guy: And it won't stop growing.
Teen girl: I think you need a doctor.
Teen guy: Oh yeah? What am I supposed to say? "Hey doc, my penis just won't stop growing"? Yeah, right.
Teen girl: Uh...maybe you shouldn't say that out loud.

Girl #1: There's no way I could get that guy. He is absolutely gorgeous!
Girl #2: What do you think you are? An omelette?

Sarah Jessica Parker: No honey, that's the litterbox. That's where the
kitty goes pee-pee and poo-poo.

Girl #1: What language are they singing in? Is that German?
Girl #2: No, it's European.

HS girl #1: Well, I do want people cloning me. Unless God came to me in a dream and said, "Pilar, you need to clone yourself so that you can live again and save the world", then I will. But otherwise, I do want people cloning me. Because if you get cloned you know you have to relive all your same problems and stuff. Isn't that how cloning works? Anyways, cloning is stupid.
HS girl #2: Yeah, cloning is stupid. Why haven't they been working on a cure for AIDS or breast cancer? They just want to make everyone die so they can clone them.

Girl #1: Ew, that horse is peeing.
Girl #2: Dude...that is a of pee.

Old woman: What, you want to push me out the window?
Old man: I would, but unfortunately you won't fit.
Old woman: Bastard.

Clerk guy: Has anyone in this room been convicted of a felony? Come up to the front desk.
Husband: Okay, I'm going to go up there.
He returns 5 minutes later.
Husband: Hey, I'm all done. I told you you should've murdered someone, you'd be out too!

Girl: We can't have sex until we get married.
Guy: Sex is a form of marriage.
Girl: But we're not ready to get married.
Guy: Your mom.

Chick #1: Fucking shit, man, this bitch is kicking our asses!
Chick #2: You just used four different curse words in one sentence .

Girl #1: So this is the man you want to marry?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: And you said there were many maggots on the turkey?

Guy: My dog is so racist. She is scared of black people. But she also hates the black people of dogs.
Girl: What does that even mean?
Guy: Pugs.

Hobo: Hey, can you spare 20 cents?
Girl: Sorry
Hobo: Okay, 30 cents...40 cents...50 cents, but that's my final offer.

Hobo: Can you spare a hundred bucks?
Guy: A hundred bucks?
Hobo: What the hell am I going to do with a quarter?
Hobo: Y'know what I'd do if I was rich?
Girl: What?
Hobo: Buy a Big Mac.
Girl: But you already have a Big Mac...
Hobo: Oh, this is all theatrical. I only have a dollar...Can you spare some change?
Hobo: Got any spare change?
Lady: No.
Hobo: Well, I take dollars too. Give me your phone, we can discuss it later.
Hobo: Can you spare some money?
Girl: No, sorry, I don't have any change.
Hobo: That's okay, I take dollar bills, too. No credit cards or checks.

Mom: ...so I was making a roast, but the thing was that I only had chicken stock gravy. Chicken stock gravy! So I it! On the beef!
Chick: You live on the edge, Mom.

Woman: Our biggest problem with sex was that he came too fast, because he was so into me. So now he uses desensitizing condoms, and that works a lot better, especially because it takes me a really long time to have an orgasm with him.
Woman: I was really anxious, so I went to my GP and she prescribed Klonopin. That completely took my anxiety away, but then my doctor said that she didn't feel that that was a good long-term drug. I guess I agree with that. I did take one Klonopin on the plane yesterday, but that was okay because it was just a recreational Klonopin.
Woman: Now that I'm a wife I thought I should be more proper, but it turns out he likes me slutty.
Woman: I think the most passionate sex I will ever have will be during some really passionate adulterous affair. I would have to make a really conscious decision not to have an affair; it would be like fourth-order cognition.

Man: Wait, so you're on Law & Order ?
Epatha Merkerson: Mm-hmm.
Man: Wow, I don't watch the show, but my son and daughter do. What's your name? I'll have to tell them I saw you.
Epatha Merkerson: Epatha.
Man: Epala?
Epatha Merkerson: Epatha.
Man: Epasa?
Epatha Merkerson: E-path-a
Man: Ensala? Maybe I should write this down, I'm sure I'll forget. Emana, you said?

Guy #1: If I had a dollar for every time I saw her blowing a guy...
Guy #2: You'd have a lot of dollars?
Guy #1: One.

Lady: Oh, there's sales tax when you register a car?
DMV woman: Yeah, ther'e sales tax. You can't buy nuthin' without payin' no sales tax.
Lady: Well, this is the first car I've ever bought. Didn't I already
pay sales tax when I bought the car? I don't understand. What if I don't have the money? I don't have that kind of money on me. I waited an hour on this line for nothing. What do I do now?
DMV woman: Honey, we ain't got no installment plan.

Hobo: I need some money to buy food. Please help a brother out with any change you have.
Little girl: Hey mister, you were just in here.
Hobo: No, I wasn't. All homeless people don't look the same, you know!
Little girl: But you all dress the same.

Teen girl #1: You know, the Special Olympics?
Teen girl #2: Special Olympics?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, Olympics for the retarded people.
Teen girl #2: You mean the wheelchair people that fight with each other?

Hipster girl #1: So you're still writing songs and performing?
Hipster girl #2: Uh huh.
Hipster girl #1: And you're also acting, right? And modeling too?
Hipster girl #2: Yeah.
Hipster girl #1: Which would you say you're most passionate about?
Hipster girl #2: I guess I'd have to say the modeling.
Chick: You've had the greatest sex with me. Right?
Guy: Yeah. I guess...

Guy: I'm tellin' ya, if a girl's bathroom is dirty, that means that
her pussy ain't too clean, too.
Girl #1: Well, I have a clean bathroom.
Girl #2: Well, I'd be surprised if you said you have a dirty bathroom
after this conversation.

Man #1: You dropped your glove, sir.
Man #2: That's how they caught O.J. Simpson, man!

A guy stands up and vomits in the middle of the restaurant.
Guy #2: Seriously...you might wanna rethink this All-You-Can-Drink Sunday buffet.

Little girl: Mommy, my ears hurt!
Mom: That's your third strike! I said stop!
She hits her daughter.
Little girl: That didn't hurt.
Mom: I will kill you right now, don't tell me that didn't hurt.

God Squad guy: Jesus is the answer! Come to Jesus and he'll hold you in his arms! Come home to Jesus!
Guy #2: By the way, just so you know, the rest of us all think you're fucking nuts !
overheard by: tourist girl

Guy: You know what's really gross? Seeing the rats that get run over by the subway cars. They're all split open and stuff.
Girl: This one time I saw a rat get washed up on the shore. He was missing all his skin.
Guy: Did he look happy?
Girl: No.

Bartender guy: Yo dude, block the door with your foot for a minute.
He does. Bartender guy then proceeds to cut a line on the top of the urinal, snort it, and return to work.

Station lady: Go down those stairs over there, and the track is on your left.
Old woman: Where?
Station lady: Down those stairs, on your left.
Old woman: Thank you! I wish I had your job.
Station lady: You couldn't handle my job.

Hobo #1: You got more teeth than me.
Hobo #2: Yeah, I got six, but three of them are broken.
Hobo #1: You got six and a half.

Guy: Hi, I need to go to Nutley, New Jersey. I know that the 192 bus goes, but--
Ticket woman: Don't make yourself too comfortable, just ask.

Girl: Do you all have a financial planner? I think it's very important.
Guy: I didn't go to Harvard Business School just to let some guy from Cornell manage my money.

Chick #1: I hate taking subways. They're so gross!
Chick #2: I know! So many dirty, smelly people. And it's so expensive.
Chick #1: Yeah, $2 is a lot of money.
Guy: Yeah, well, if you can find someone else to cart your ass around this city for $2, be my guest.

Drunk chick #1: I have the best blind date story ever.
Drunk chick #2: Oh yeah?
Drunk chick #1: My sister's friend flew from Australia to LA for a blind date, and she ended up flying to Aruba with the guy and marrying him like a week later.
Drunk chick #2: Wow. That's awesome!
Drunk chick #1: But I think she was just, like, 35 and desperate to get married.

Two hobos are passing a bottle.
Woman: You can't do that! This is a passenger train...The blood of Jesus Christ! You can't do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!...That is the devil's drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can't do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?

Guy: I just geeked out my profile by a million percent. What do you think?
Girl: Hold up, let me check...
Guy: So what do you think?
Girl: Yeah, that Evangelion child shit is weird.
Guy: Like how weird?

Teen boy: Do you have any matches?
Counter lady: Can I see ID?
Teen boy: You need ID for matches? For just matches?
Counter lady: I can't give you matches without ID.
Teen boy: ID for matches...what the fuck is this world coming to?
Cashier chick: "You've got cigarettes, but you don't have matches? That don't make sense!" We sell lighters, stupidass. Buy one.

Mom: Shit, I ain't paying for peak hours.
Tween girl: I can hide in the bathroom.
Mom: Or you can flash him.

Woman #1: So my mom is all depressed because of the Hurricane Katrina stuff, and she says she has no time to take care of herself. And I say, "It's just a call to duty, Mom." I mean, if she'd go to the beauty parlor...
Woman #2: The beauty parlor probably got destroyed.
Woman #1: Yes, and they had to build a new one. And I say, if she just goes in there and has them...fix her hair, or something...she'll feel so much better!

Girl: Hey honey, slow down. My feet hurt and I'm cold.
Guy: Why don't you shut the fuck up and walk? I want to go the fuck home, bitch.

Tourist lady #1: Sweeney Todd ...I heard that's a spoof on a cooking show.
Tourist lady #2: Oh, is it about Julia Child?
Tourist lady #1: I think so.

Girl #1: ...so, my professor started talking about The Diary of Anne Frank .
Girl #2: Oh, Anne Frank! I used to love her! I had the diary, the notebooks and the pencils and everything.
Queer: ?
Girl #1: I think she means Lisa Frank.

Dad: Did you bring your book?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Dad: Oh good; that way we don't have to talk.

Woman #1: He's crazy.
Woman #2: No, no, no. See, when you say "crazy" I'm thinkin' , like smashing-car-windows crazy.
Chick #1: I know he's crazy.
Chick #2: Right, so you should be able to be like, "He's crazy", and
leave him.
Chick #1: But I'm used to his level of craziness.

Teen Asian boy: So, the spelling bee--
Teen Indian girl: Was one of the kids Indian?
Teen Asian boy: Yeah, there was an Indian kid and a white kid.
Teen Indian girl: So typical. My parents entered me in a spelling bee and I was fucking horrible.
Teen Asian boy: Ha, ha, ha! Anyway, there were those two kids and I just wanted to throw PlayStations at them and yell, "I'm setting you free! I'm setting you free!"

Yarmulke man: Excuse me, where does this train go to?
Do-rag guy: Florida.
Yarmulke man: Florida? Texas? California?
Do-rag guy: Yep.
Yarmulke man: Okay! Good.

Woman #1: You ever just have one of those days ?
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: I'm having a whole week. I swear to god. And I just walked here from...Oh, forget it.
Woman #2: Oh.
Woman #1: And now I can't even find my makeup! I swear to god, if they don't have it, I'm gonna fucking...I don't know!...I'll fucking kill a tourist!
Woman #2: Oh, I hope it's not me!...Ha, ha, ha!
5 minutes later.
Woman #2: That's her! That's her! That's the New Yorker who cursed at me and threatened me!
Woman #3: It's like seeing one in their natural habitat! I can't wait to tell everyone a New Yorker threatened you!
Woman #2: I know! It's awesome!

Girl #1: It's so cool that we get to ride the train all day for free.
Girl #2: Yeah, I guess so.
Girl #1: We should just ride it all day to like, take advantage.
Girl #2: Ha, ha! Oh my god, that's so Jewish.

Chick #1: You know why guys don't like mushrooms?
Chick #2: Who said guys don't like mushrooms?
Chick #1: Because they taste like cum!

Guy #1: I bought my dad a Clint Eastwood biography for Christmas. I feel like that's a pretty solid bet for any dad. Clint, Frank Sinatra, maybe Brando.
Guy #2: What about James Dean?
Guy #1: Yeah, I guess. What about that Vin Diesel?
Guy #3: You are seriously obsessed, dude.
Guy #1: Don't hate on the Diesel. Ooh, you know who everyone loves? That Anne Frank.
Woman: Anne Frank was a lesbo.

Guy #1: I couldn't not buy it.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'm thinking about it too. It's totally worth it.
Guy #1: I mean, there are two real porn stars in it. If it was just one, I could have passed it up.
Guy #2: Yeah, man. But for that price, you almost have to do it!

Girl: Say, for instance, if somebody killed your mother and you killed theirs to get back at him--
Guy: Don't even such a thing! You're talking to fucking Oedipus here.

Woman: The color of the car is not burgundy; it's purple.
Man: No, I think it's burgundy.
Woman: No, it's purple. I should know what purple is, I used to have purple hair.
Man: ...You had purple hair?...When did you have purple hair?

Chick: Oh my god, my hair is so dark!
Stylist guy: Does it look fake?
Chick: No, I just didn't know it would be this dark.
Stylist guy: Well, it will look lighter when your hair dries.
Chick: ?

Girl #1: Marilyn Monroe is, like, one of my idols.
Girl #2: Wait, isn't he that guy with the glass eye?
Girl #1: Um...no.

Man #1: Honey, we don't have to see Memoirs of a Geisha . You lived it, didn't you?
Woman: You just know the right things to say!
Man #2: Some people make me wish that snow outside was really acid.

Woman: Yo, my cousin is going to be on American Idol .
Guy: Wow, she any good?
Woman: No, she's terrible, she sounds like a dying seal.

Girl #1: Where did you hear that? What news have been watching?
Girl #2: Canadian.

Black guy: You would like him 'cause he looks like a gorilla, and they are from the Amazon like you.
White girl: Dummy, gorillas are from Africa; you of all people
should know that.

Chick: I wish it would snow so I could make a Kate Moss joke.

Dad: If you start to get blown away, just drop the umbrella.
Guy: The sun is nice today.
Guy: I really liked the wind on that block. It was bearable.
Guy: Ha, ha, Mother Nature's a bitch, and she just gave you a blowjob!
Woman: My husband has this hierarchy of terrible things that can happen to a person, and you wanna know what tops off his list? According to him, the number one most horrible thing that can ever happen to a person is getting snow on your wrists.

Old lady: She came to me and said, "We the people of the 15th floor have decided that you are not friendly." And I said, "That's not in the lease."

Guy: Don't ever give up your dreams. This is New York. It's not even about the numbers. I've come too far to give up my dreams. Don't give up your dreams...So Canal Street is this way?

Tourist woman: Now this is the New York! This is the New York you see on TV!
Teen girl: New York is the best country in the world.
Vendor guy: You go to Chelsea and it's like glory hole city!
Girl: Stop turning it! It could fall over on you! And it's got points!
Jewish mom: You guys live in a very silly place. Brooklyn. That's silly. Everyone left with the Dodgers.
College guy on cell: Hi, Dad! Yeah, it's good. Seen a couple shows, went to some museums, gonna get something to eat...

Teen girl: This is, like, intellectual popcorn.

Drunk guy: Hey! Hey! Girl in the red shirt!...Prettiest girl on the whole train!...A:d look at this- she can read, too!
Guy: This is just bullshit. Or whatever the Hebrew for "bullshit" is.
Teen boy: Dinosaurs are so stupid!
Woman: Have you ever tried to talk about thesis statements to people who have their fingers up their noses?
Girl: So, it works out. You like girls who are as smart as you are. He likes girls who are smarter than he is, and likes girls who are, well, dumber than he is.
Guy: I definitely liked Picasso more when he was freaking out.
Guy: I be readin' that Shakespeare shit, yo! He talkin' 'bout some "Epoxy dat wench", and "Wherefore to thou."
Thief guy: You can't touch me. I know my rights. I'm an educated criminal; I'm your worstest nightmare.
Guy on cell: I'll have to call you back from a landline, can you give me the number? Uh huh...uh huh...uh huh...you know what? I don't have a pen to write this down, does it spell anything?

Girl on Nextel: Oh baby, you shoulda woke me up...We coulda done the do again.

Girl on cell: But I really want Chase...I guess I'll have to call him back and tell him to put it in my butt.
Guy: I should call her. She's probably taking off her pants right now.
Guy: You know, for a vegetarian you sure have a lot of man meat.
Black chick: And what is wrong with having a threesome with an Asian ?
Chick on cell: ...the food came, and then so did I.
Store guy: French girls will just come up to your apartment and get naked fast.
Chick: I was pulling boys in closets six months ago to make out with them. That's what happens to horny girls who don't get the kind of attention they need!

Girl on cell: No...Well yes, you call me back, just not between the hours of 8 and 10PM... Why do you think? It's Jack Bauer Power Hour!....Uh, times 2. It's going to be motherfucking terrorist-kicking time. That whispering bad ass mofo is going to be going on strong tonight for 2 hours. Praise ! ! ! Jacky should be the father of my children. I will however totally call you directly after the show.

Guy: So I said, " I do not look like John Lithgow !"
Tourist lady: I prefer musicals with singing in them.
Woman: No, man. You don't understand. I mean his tongue was so fucking far inside of her...That guy is a good actor.
Guy: Well, if I put up a fat picture of me...I still wouldn't do anything about it.
Girl: I had a few drags on New Year's Eve, and woke up the next morning sounding like Tara Reid.
Black chick: I'm the oldest of all my siblings. I feel like Moesha.
Girl: It's okay, but I don't understand why he doesn't get caught.
Queer on cell: The Phantom of the Opera ? Are you kidding? That cast is so white it makes you want to puke. They are so lily white it makes me sick.

Waitress: I just don't get it. Like, how can you be infatuated with me when you don't even know me?

Chick: He won't marry her, but they'll probably get engaged.
Chick on cell: ...I finally figured out why I take solace in so many other men. They have been my refuge and it's because I love him so much!
Woman: In all this time you've only had three things to talk about, and they were all things that I told you!
Woman on cell: I woke up and I looked down and there were bite marks all over my boobs and I had a wicked bad hangover. Then I rolled over, kissed the guy on the forehead, and said, "Thanks for the orgasm" and then just left 'cause I was totally having my mattress delivered that day.

Little boy: My favorite part of the game is when I get to kill, but you only get to kill other people in the wilderness.

Gangsta chick: I'm in love with you and you say you gonna shoot me in the face? What's up with that?
Girl on cell: Lemme tell ya, she gonna be alive by next Christmas...That's a fact...Not if I have anything to do with it... What you lookin' at ?
Suit: ...and it was just in time. My wife was going to kill my father, I mean just kill him.
Guy: Did you know if they found out who tried to blow up that Starbucks?

Man on cell: Hello?...Yeah, I'm at the movies...Yeah, I know...I'm in the fucking theater!...I don't care if she needs brain surgery, I'm at the movies!

Chick: Maybe I'm just not used to watches, or maybe it cancer.
Guy on cell: So I had to go to the doctor to take care of my excessive earwax problem.
Old man: Here, give this to your kid. I'm sure he's into castration, masturbation, amputation, and getting AIDS on purpose.
Chick: You have to watch out for those pre-cancerous lesions. You know, those can lead to cancer.

Guy on cell: So how many Mexicans trying to seduce you?

Woman: These are nice, but they just look like Puerto Rico.
Woman: I speak better Spanish after a shot of tequila.
Construction guy: Spanish niggas can't swim. You ain't neva heard of no Spanish Jacques Cousteau or nothin'.
Girl: Aw shit! I guess L.E.S. stands for "Look, Everyone's Spanish!"

Chick on cell: Mother! That duvet situation is a nightmare!

Driver guy: Bitch, that's my spot! Move your fag ass Mercedes out of my spot!
Lady: My kids aren't used to this; they're used to the Hamptons.
Woman: Fine. But she lives in the land of cheap and pretty jewelry.
Guy: Yeah, I got $25; that looks big when it's all singles.
Crazy guy: A prince! Another prince! Princesses, princesses, look, two more princesses! Ya'll are some lucky princes, got so many princesses. Now don't let these girls drink or smoke and get them home before midnight.
Hipster guy: It's gonna be sweet when I get that Marvel Comics check! When I get that Marvel Comics check, I'm gonna copy it so I can put it up on my wall!

Preggers: My baby's so low she can help me walk up steps. .

Woman on cell: That's bullshit! You know what I am saying? I mean, it's not my fault he signed the birth certificate.
Dude: Dad, wait. You mean they ran out of fetuses?
Man on cell: Yeah man, the doctor said she's only 36 weeks pregnant, but the baby is at 40 weeks. She could drop that thing right quick.
Woman: When my son was born he was very hairy, so I had terrible heartburn.
Guy on cell: Man, you're married. You can't be doin' that shit...She was hot, right?... ?...Man, Pampers are intense.

Girl: I heard on CNN today that this woman in France just received the first successful face transplant after she was mauled by her Labrador. They replaced like her whole nose and lips and chin or something.
Guy: Whoa.
Girl: I know!
Guy: I mean, I thought Labradors were, like, really friendly.

Little girl: Don't pull my hair!
Mom: I wasn't! I was just holding on.
Little girl: To my hair?

Tween boy: So he said, "Sex is a very beautiful thing, you shouldn't be ashamed about it."
Tween girl: Sex is a beautiful thing. Your parents had sex...or you were adopted.

Hobo: Hey, can you spare me something?
Girl: Like what?

Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster--
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.
Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They're ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it's really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what's their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it' all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.
Indian chick: Anyway. I'm definitely thinkin' about havin' my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that's all.

Guy #1: Dude, I really want crab salad.
Guy #2: Okay.
Guy #1: I really want some crab salad. It's only five forty-nine per pound here! I think Im going to get a pound. I really want crab salad.
Guy #2: Dude, why don't you just eat out Ada?

Hobo: Hey look, I almost forgot my umbrella!...I came all the way back from the liquor store to get it. Hey look, a quarter!
Dude: Your day keeps getting better, doesn't it?

Teen girl: Is that the Italian Embassy? I think it is. I'm pretty sure that's the Italian Embassy.
Mom: I have no idea.
Teen girl: I think it is. No...Oh, that's Versace.
Mom: What's Versace?
Teen girl: It's like Coach...or Prada.
Mom: You always know about the expensive brands.

Guy #1: Oh my god, I know. I heard Versace is having a huge sale!
Man: Shut up, you damn queer!
Guy #2: He's just mad because he can't even Versace.

Nancy Bass: I'm pleased to welcome David Foster Wallace to our store. Recently, in the New York Times , renowned reviewer Ma...cocoa... Kaku...chooni...?
Thereupon David Foster Wallace gave the thumbs up.

Professor guy: Remember, next week's exam will cover all the material from the past three weeks.
Chick: Uh, 'scuse me? When are we going to get to the Zodiac signs?
Professor guy: Um, you do know this is astronomy and not astrology, right?

B&T guy: Did you get home okay in the snow last night?
B&T girl: Yeah, but drinking and driving should be an Olympic sport!
B&T guy: That's why you should've just smoked.

Guy: Yo, are we takin' the elevator upstairs, or what?
Girl: No, lazy-ass. We takin' the stairs.
Guy: Yo, I done told you that I just ate and I don't wanna work it off!

Dude #1: So, like I was saying, there are red ninjas, blue ninjas, green ninjas, and obviously black ninjas.
Dude #2: Who the hell would want to be a green ninja?
Dude #1: Maybe if you were in the jungle.
Dude #2: Genius!

Girl: Oh look, this would be cute for the baby.
Guy: What baby?

Woman: Well, they can run like $400 a ticket.
Man: $400 a ticket ? Christ, woman, you're gonna make me have a baby!

Guy: I haven't brushed my teeth in 48 hours.
Girl: Ew, that's so gross.
Guy: Hey, you're the one that's kissing me. Want to see some plaque?

MC guy: So...you've probably been out hitting the New Year's sales...What's the next holiday to get its own sale? Martin Luther King, Jr. Day? I wonder how they'll promote that sale.
Audience guy: ... Free at last !

White guy on cell: Yo, shit nigga, this shit the bomb!
Black guy: If you close your eyes, he almost sounds like the real deal.

Guy: Nigga can tell a dishonest nigga by how eloquent he is. If a nigga ain't eloquent, it means he don't know how to bullshit. Eloquent nigga knows how to bullshit, which means he probably be lyin' all the time. Always trust a nigga who ain't eloquent.
Teen boy #1: You can't be sounding smart like that. Girls ain't into niggas who talk smart and shit. They into dumb niggas these days. Teen boy #2: I wonder why.
Teen boy #1: I dunno. Maybe they just into their personality and
shit.
Lady: Why all these niggas always callin' people niggas all the time?
Man: Yo! What the fuck are you lookin' at?
Suit: Would it hurt for you to speak respectably to others?
Man: Nigga what? Are you black? You looks black, but dat must just be black paint on yo' skin!
Suit: Never mind. I apologize. I'm sorry.
Man: You sorry ? Don't say sorry to me! Say sorry to yo momma! Call her up right now! Say sorry dat you lost yo' real color!
Black woman: They wouldn't do this to the crackers downtown.
Black guy #1: I ain't going to no college, my role as a nigger is clear, I tellin' you, my role as a nigger is clear.
Black guy #2: But you got brains, man, you got brains, you got to study.
Black guy #1: No, you kiddin' me? No, my role as a nigger is clear, my role as a nigger is clear, I got women and I got kids, I got lotsa kids, I ain't doin no study. My role as a nigger is clear, my role as a nigger is clear, I'm sayin', my role as a nigger is clear.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you right, man.
Woman: Open the fucking door, you bitch!
MTA lady: I said , "Hold on!"
Woman: I've been holding on for five minutes, open the goddamn door!
MTA lady: No! And now I'm not opening it!
Woman: What, you think you white or something?
Black guy: Ban the cell phone! That's right, the cell phone is a public nuisance! The white man comes in with his technology and makes a mess of the world. I don't wanna hear about your friend, I don't wanna know your friend. I don't wanna know you. Why do I got to hear about your friend? And where you're gonna meet your friend? Let me tell you something. White man done took over the world. Back in the days black man ruled the world and called his name Pharaoh.
Teen boy: Fellas! Fellas! Keep up the good work. No, seriously. I love black people! But here's what I'm trying to say...We're from Africa. The sun is our commodity. The white man, they from Europe. You can't farm in Europe! It's too cold! So we them how to farm. And what did they do? They mastered that shit with machines. You see what I'm trying to say? The white man, what he did is he compromised our manhood with that slavery shit! You see what I'm trying to say? I see more Uncle Toms every day than I do black
people trying to work. You see what I'm trying to say?
Black guy: I'm gonna knock you motherfuckers out. I'm fuckin' itching to knock a white motherfucker out.
Guy #1: You know why we ain't git no respect? Bad marketing!
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: I mean, "We Shall Overcome"? Bitch, slogan should have been "We Shall Kick Yo Ass ." we'd be gettin some respect today.
White guy: Those fuckin' niggers. I fuckin' swear it's always those fucking niggers. They are the ones raping and killing our white little girls. I fucking swear, put a fucking white girl in the South Bronx and you fuckin' see what the fuck they do to that girl's body.
White guy: He just sucks so bad.
Black guy: All black people suck.
Black woman #1: This is ghetto
Black woman #2: Yeah, ghetto. Ghetto white.
Little boy: I don't wanna sit next to white people.
Performer guy #1, #2 & #3: White people, you have nothing to be afraid of! We are only three black men! We cannot hurt all of you!
B&T girl: I couldn't believe that shit. Black people are such stereotypas. What an asshole!
Crazy lady: Hey girls!...You have to be careful! I know what problem is! It is all the black people! Just look at these black people! Look at the street! All black ! ! It just keeps getting worse, more are coming.
Girl: Oh, I wanna make homemade caramel apples.
Guy: They're called black people.

Tourist dad: Who's that over there?
Tourist mom: That's Yasser Arafat.
Tourist dad: Yasser Arafat? He sure is fat.
Tourist daughter: Kind of looks like Dad the time he put that towel over his head.

Chick: How much for a ride?
Hansom guy: 45 dollars.
Lady cop: This is the last time I'm going to tell you, get off this street with this horse. If I see you one more time on this street I'm taking the horse and I'm locking you up! You hear me? I'll take this horse and I'll lock you up!
Hansom guy: Ha, ha! Fuckin' bitch.

Chick #1: So how did your trial go?
Chick #2: It went well, it went my way.
Chick #1: That's great.
Chick #2: Yeah. The guy was actually nice; well, he was listed as a violent felon, but...
Chick #1: A nice violent felon?
Chick #2: Ha, ha...yeah. He tried to play the "my 88 year old dad and my wife and kids are here, I'm in rehab trying to clean up my life" card. But I put him on the stand for the whole day and caught him in all these lies.

Shopgirl #1: I can't believe she's in love with a guy who's 26.
Shopgirl #2: Well, my dad couldn't say anything if I went out with a guy who's 28 even, 'cause he married someone like 20 years younger than him.
Shopgirl #1: Wow, is she a hottie?
Shopgirl #2: She's a lawyer, so she can't be.

Girl: ...so I used to buy my drugs from a guy who would keep them in his prosthetic leg.
Guy: You mean his stump? Didn't that freak you out, having his stump all on your blow?
Girl: No.

Chick #1: So how was it?
Chick #2: It was bitchfabulous.
Chick #1: Awesome. So it was bitchtastic?
Chick #2: Nice! I like that one. Yeah, it was bitchtastic.
Chick #1: And the coffee?
Chick #2: Bitchalicious.
Chick #1: Hey, I just realized someone might hear us.

Bag lady: I just pissed myself! Oh man, I stink! I pissed myself and I stink!
Hobo: I don't smell nothing.

Drunk guy #1: I'm fucked up, man.
Drunk guy #2: Not as screwed as me, right?
Sober guy: What do you mean?
Drunk guy #2: I can't figure out whose freaking hand is down my pants!

Queer #1: I should have known you had that one.
Queer #2: Yeah, I mean, I have every Barbra Streisand recording ever.
Queer #1: I shouldn't have gotten that for you; it was such a stupid gift.
Queer #2: No, I'll just sell the old one on eBay.

Tween boy #1: Fine, fine. I'll buy you a BLT. How 'bout that?
Tween boy #2: A BLT? I'm Jewish, you idiot.
Tween boy #1: Oh, whatever. I see you eat a BLT every day, liar.

Guy: This remake of King Kong was a good movie; did you ever see the
original?
Girl: Yeah, I didn't know it was a true story.

Mom: Well, I'm going to church tomorrow.
Daughter: Say hi to Jesus for me. Grandma, you're not going?
Grandma: I stopped going when the priest stopped telling dirty jokes.

Professor guy: I'm sure all of you have seen a photo of Babe Ruth and would be able to recognize him. his autograph is worth almost as much as Abraham Lincoln's is.
Swedish girl #1: I don't know what a Babe Ruth is?
Swedish girl #2: Oh, he's a famous baby.

Security guy: Ma'am, please step into the back of the store.
Chick: But why?
Security guy: Don't make this harder on yourself.
Chick: But why?
Shopgirl: They do make it harder on themselves, don't they?
Chick: Fuck you !

God Squad lady: Lord, help me. I don't know which way to turn.
Guy: Turn left.

Chick on cell: I can't even figure out how to get the fuck out of here!
Guy: Try the big ass door labeled "exit."

Girl #1: Okay, what should I get? The Gombee burger sounds good. Hey, that kinda sounds like Gandhi...except he probably wouldn't want to eat the burger. Remember that time he was on that hunger strike?
Girl #2: Aren't cows like, sacred to Hindus or something?
Girl #1: Oh! That's probably why he wouldn't have wanted to eat it.

Suit: My friends told me that you told them that I'd hijacked you. We've only dated for a week. For so many reasons it's not going to work out.
Girl: I don't understand how someone can just say it's not going to work out. You know everything about me: my family, my life, all about me. I shared everything this week. I would have held back if I'd known.
Suit: ...It's like I have sticker shock...You are just a much more fun, engaged person than me.
Girl: I don't understand someone who can just say it's not going to work out. How can you just say it's not going to work out?
Suit: Can't we be friends? That's why I asked you to meet me here.
Girl: Well, at least we slept together this week. I never wait. I'm so glad we didn't wait.

Cheerleader girl #1: Terry, what are those people doing? Is that fake blood?
Cheerleader girl #2: I think they're representing Chinese torture or something.

Teen girl: Excuse me, have you ever read The Catcher in the Rye ?
Cop: Yes.
Teen girl: Do you know where the ducks go in the winter? The ones in Central Park; do you know where they fly to?
Cop: Oh, yeah. They just go to the duck house.

Teen boy: They should have a test for eveyone coming out of high school to weed out the stupid kids from the gene pool. If you don't pass, you .
Teen girl: Yeah, like how momma hamsters eat their babies when they know they won't make it in the real world.

Guy #1: Yo, where you live, son?
Guy #2: Up by the Fat Albert store, man.
Guy #1: Oh yeah ? Son, I used to live right near there.
Guy #2: By the hospital?
Guy #1: Yeah, man! Ha, ha, that's the hospital that I went to when I had the hepatitis, son! Yo for real though, that shit hurts.

Girl #1: Oh my god! I was peeing so much! It just kept coming! So like I was like sitting there all last period peeing!
Girl #2: Oh my god! You should go to a doctor.
Girl #1: Like, yeah...It was crazy. I just kept peeing...
Girl #2: The kid next to you is recording this on his cell phone.
Girl #1: Oh my god, stop !

Man: Oh my god, there's a spider in my salad.
Woman: What? That's not a spider.
Man: Well, it's either a spider or four pubic hairs tied together in a knot, neither of which I am willing to consume.

Teen girl #1: She once said to me, "I was thinking about us kissing in the shower."
Teen girl #2: I hope you were wearing clothes.
Guy #1: Does she even shower?
Guy #2: That's what I asked him. But then he said, "Not only does she shower, but then she licks my ass and jacks me off. It's fucking great!"
Man #1: You smell great!
Man #2: Thanks. I haven't bathed since eleven.

Guy: Did you hear that the dude who shot the Pope got let go from jail?
Girl: Yeah, and the Pope forgave him and everything.
Guy: Wow, I totally want to shoot the Pope now!
Girl: Yeah, he'd probably be cool with it.

Teen boy #1: She's not a slave.
Teen boy #2: Slaves have a third grade reading level.
Teen boy #1: Fourth.

Guy#1: "Roosevelt Island". Is this the same as Roosevelt Avenue?
Girl: I don't know. Maybe.
Guy #1: Let's try it.
Guy #2: You don't want to get off here. Roosevelt Avenue is later.
Guy #1: Thanks. You know, I hear New Yorkers are mean but so far I've only met nice ones.

Girl: We were in the middle of having sex, and I was screaming, like, "Oh god, oh god." He looked down at me and replied, "There is no God. I am your God."
Guy: Uh huh.
Girl: It sucks because since then I haven't been able to sleep with atheists. You're not an atheist, are you?

Queer #1: It was about the time when I stopped going to the pediatrician and started going to the--
Queer #2: Gynecologist?

Man #1: Your kid actually wants to go to the doctor?
Man #2: Yeah, he can't stop thinkin' about 'em.
Man #1: Thinking about what?
Man #2: ! He can't stop thinking about boobs!

Girl #1: Where are all the violent toys?
Girl #2: Does he like trucks?
Girl #1: No, he's . There's no violent toys; this store is too good.
Girl #2: I'll talk to the manager about that.

Store woman: It's so cold in here.
Store man: It's really not so bad.
Store woman: Well, not all of us have a protective layer of blubber to keep us warm in the winter.

Old Jewess #1: So this hooker comes up to us, both of us, and offers us a menage a trois.
Old Jewess #2: I once visited that museum.

Guy #1: My iPod called me a homo this morning.
Guy #2: ?
Guy #1: I had it on shuffle and it played a nonstop string of , , Barbara Streisand, Donna Summer and, best of all, Annie: The Musical .
Guy #2: Wow, you said, "Best of all, ." That's amazingly gay.

Man on cell: She gave him an iPod. Can you believe it? It's like, just not cool for a to give a an iPod. A guy can give a girl an iPod. But it shouldn't happen the other way around. It's just not right.
Southern woman #1: We're going to 8th Avenue, right?
Queer: Uh.
Southern woman #1: To Bergduff Goodman's. I bet you would usually be listening to your iPod on the subway instead of talking to a group of pretty women.
Queer: I like, never go above 14th Street. I stay within a five block radius of my apartment.
Southern woman #2: I read about that store before. Maybe I'll buy some blang to go with my new bag. I can wear it tonight when we go to the production.
Southern woman #1: That pocketbook is just so you.
Queer: I feel like I'm looking into a sea of Prada.
Stewardess: The plane is about to land. Please everyone turn off your iPods.
Man: Why does she just assume we all have iPods?
Lady: It's New York. Even the people asking for money have iPods.
Guy #1: Man, you got one of those iPod nanos?
Guy #2: Man, I didn't pay for it. I'm a !
Hobo: Can you spare some change?
Guy: No, sorry, I just spend my last penny on this iPod nano.

Guy #1: Okay...Wow...This one time in Madison I was drunk...I was trying to get this sorority girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hanging out with us.) That's all I remember from that night! I woke up the next morning, in bed, soaking wet, with a pulled groin muscle and scrapes all over my knees and elbows!
Guy #2: What the fuck ?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what happened. Apparently, I sorta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison--I pulled my groin muscle there--then I pulled myself out and crawled home on hands and knees since I couldn't walk.
Guy #2: What...the fuck...?

White girl: Since I quit, I have been blowing out the biggest boogers in the mornings.
Black guy: ? I been blowin' moons. Like the moons of Jupiter.

Chick: What's that smell?
Guy: Either someone farted or it's terrorism.

Hobo: Miss, you dropped some change...Miss, aren't you gonna pick that up?
Catholic School girl: They're all facing tails!
Hobo: Shit!

Mom: What's the name of that group?
Teen boy: Death Cab for Cutie.
Mom: Death Camp for Cutie?
Teen boy: Death .
Mom: What a horrible name...
Teen boy: This is them playing, do you like it?
Mom: Yeah I love it, but what a horrible name! Death Camp...

Santa: Hey, can you reach into my backpack and hand my my wig and the Zoloft?

Girl on cell: Of he's going to call me again. I bought him drugs.
Chick: He'd get tenure. Otherwise, there goes my hash connection.
Chick: I need my Valtrex.
Man: Drugs don't kill people; umbrellas kill people.
Man: I keep waiting for them to come up with one named...like..."Sextra." For people who want extra sex.
Guy: Honey, I'm so high right now, I'd dance to the sound of two tin cans being dragged behind a car.
Bus driver: There is no smoking on this bus. No smoking. That includes cigarettes, cigars, pipes, marijuana, crack, or cocaine. Thank you.

Teen boy: You aren't pussy-whipped. She's your mother.

Woman: It's about an old depressed cat and her friends put her in a tire and shoot her to heaven.

Man: I want to offend animal rights activists by wearing endangered jeans.
Guy: Oh please, a human ass can take a horse!
Construction dude: Hey, your dog looks like a gremlin. You know, from the movie...You know, the movie ? Your dog looks like a gremlin. The cute gremlin.
Guy: Man, gorilla ripped that nigga's tongue out with his .
Teen girl: No, no. When they're outside, you call it a rat, but in your house, you call it a mouse.
Guy: I know a lot of people who hate the brontosaurus stampede because they think it's too, you know, fake.
Woman: I think Die Fledermaus the bat!
Man on cell: Because crows don't live in Antarctica...No, they don't !

Guy: I don't want to visit my miserable family unless it's for a funeral.

Woman: Sorry it took me so long; I had to move. That lady smelled. Like an old person. She smelled like my grandmother right before she died.
Girl on cell: Yeah, I could never be a dead person...unless I was actually dead, I guess...
Tourist mom: Do not touch any of these people; they'll pull out a gun and shoot you.
Girl: I'm not writing; I'm my memoirs! Ha, ha. And after I'm done with that, I'll probably go and do something, like, kill my mother! She deserves it. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Crazy guy: And then, of course, there was the human sacrifice. Yup. Human sacrifice with red bouncing balls.
Guy on cell: I'm not , I just want to make sure he doesn't kill you.
Chick: One time when I was dance-walking, I ran into a dead guy.
Girl: ...They were all fighting over us, who would get us if my parents died, and my godparents won.
Woman: He's just lucky you don't hire an assassin and take care of it.
Guy: If he were alive and female and cool I'd go out with him.
Guy: No one is gonna kill somebody for five dollars.
Hair chick: You must've done some to get shot in church.

Old lady: ...and then my dad stabbed him. And that's when it all went to shit.
Mom: See this? It's a true story. That guy, he died. Mew...neesh?

Guy: I really hate the concept of Starbucks, but they really have the best product.

Man: Do you guys want food or sushi?
Little girl: Mom, did you know there is no pudding in kid jail?
Suit: I mean, you're a cool guy; you have wavy hair, you chew gum.
Man on pay phone: What do you want ? Do you want some soup ? ?...Answer me!
Hipster guy: Excuse me, miss. You have a noodle on your chin.
Drunk girl: And shrimp is round. Not a color, but round. that! I'm going home!
Guy: I hate when people swallow their gum. My mom does that. You know, when you swallow your gum, it gets stuck in your heart.
Hobo: Aw, man. Vanilla, pistachio, butter pecan. I love ice cream! My mouth's watering just thinking about it!
Bag lady: I hope your finger isn't in my food!
Guy: Has your poop ever been orange? Yesterday my poop was orange. Today it's back to brown, but yesterday it was orange. I'm never eating clam chowder again.
Hobo: I eat so much Chinese food I'm Chinese.
Man: Yo, what the hell is this? "Gratuity"? Yo, I didn't order no gratuity!
Girl on cell: ...yeah, so Sally's having some "bagel brunch" thing at her place, but why the fuck would I want to go eat carbohydrates with a bunch of people I don't even like?

Girl: What happens to the leaves if you just leave them on the ground? They just die, right?

Girl: "Afghanistan"? Isn't that just a place in Iraq?
White girl: Where the hell is the damn ice skating rink? Somebody tell me! I know you know!
Suit on cell: I'm going to have to think about this because when I don't I never have any plans.
Girl on intercom: Does anybody speak the language from China?
Woman: Do these stairs work?
man: ...And what the is this "knowledge is power" thing?
Girl on cell: Hhey sweetie, you awake?...I have a simple question, but it's kinda complicated...you got a minute?
Old man: Do you see that woman who talks on the radio?
Guy: Look, it's the Da Vinci game. You could find out the secret of Christmas from this.
Guy: Since when do you have a fatwa against Tom Hanks?
Office chick: I just found out what coke is!
Girl: When people describe themselves of having an "olive skin tone" does that mean they are green?
HS girl: Okay, so during the American Revolution, the Americans wanted independence because they wanted to be free?
Professor guy: One of the ways I learn about the world is through the sense receptors on my tongue.
Woman: I mean, what am I supposed to do with a gross of used condoms?

Hobo: Spare some change? Have any change to spare? Anyone? What, are you all playing communists tonight?

Hobo: Stand clear of the closing doors please. . That's why they call me the Train Man, 'cause I'm the only one who can make that noise! Wanna hear it again? .
Drunk guy: I didn't realize fags could be homeless.
Hobo: I wish I could fuck up the machine!
Hobo: M-o-n-y. That's what I said. Money, motherfucker! Don't see no white niggers hatin' on me, just my fellow brothers. I been at this all morning and ain't nothin' anybody can do to stop me. Good Lord on my side.
Hobo: I need some love. Any love? Any love? Somebody pretend that you love me.
Jamaican hobo: I bet you don't talk to black people at home, do you? Now, do you want to get to Heaven? Well, if you want to get to Heaven, you've got to talk to us black people. Now, where you from? China? No? How about a song in Chinese?
Hobo: Will anyone help? Anyone? You? No?...Damn, the back of the train sucks.
Hobo: Don't buy a two-headed snake for hundred forty thousand! Waste you money like that? You crazy? Twenty dollas you can pet my two-headed snake right now!
Hobo: Excuse me everyone, I am homeless and live on the street. Can you please help me out? What station is that? The museum? Yeah, I'm gonna smoke some crack there.

Suit on cell: Yeah, but none of us respect Alex...Why? Because he's a retard!

Lady: When will you quit taking pictures?
Guy on cell: Yeah, this is the stupidest thing ever! All that stuff I did before doesn't even seem stupid anymore.
Drunk woman: ...you cannot possibly understand...and it's not 'cause you're stupid... which you're not ...Because you have no estrogen...you could not possibly understand what chocolate means to a woman.
Stewardess guy: ...and if you have any problems figuring out the touch screen entertainment center, we'll try and find the nearest 7 year old to help you.
Man: I couldn't watch it again. It was so redundant.
Chick: I don't make fun of people who were born retarded. I make fun of people who were born, and they're retarded.

Guy: Well, she was like 35, so she wasn't ...

Queer: I'll totally let him molest me...if only I were 15 again!
Little boy: Aw man, hurry up , Fernando! I wasn't born tomorrow!
HS guy: I swear, someday I'm going to say, "I hit on the hottest girl today," and someone's gonna come up and say, "Another fourth grader?".
Hipster guy: She was really depressed when she turned 19. No more
"barely legal."

Woman: I don't even know why we're here. All the characters do in this show is run around and sing stupid songs.

Girl: So like...is there a lot of singing in this?
Man: When I was younger I used to sing my loins out in the shower.
Guy: I might as well put pom poms on my ass, sparklers in my ears, and sing I Will Survive .

Naked suit: You know, if you're a terrorist and you wanna get into a building, you should just say you're from Price Waterhouse or Ernst & Young. Nobody asks any questions.

Guy: Today I recommended the woman I interviewed for an associate position based solely on the fact that she was attractive.
Store lady: You get in trouble for doing your job, you get in trouble
for not doing your job...
Suit: So I told him, "You might not be working on the work that you've been working on, but you're definitely going to be working on work."
Black guy: I would never leave anything to anyone not in my life. Anything I make, I leave to my wife--I'm not married yet--but I'd leave everything to my wife and my kids. I don't got much right now, but I got a plan. Anyone who's not successful, it's because they don't have a plan. If you don't have a plan, you'll fall down. Bill Gates, Donald Trump, those guys have their own airplanes and helicopters because they had a plan. That's what I'm working on now. In a few years, I'll be like them. I'm trying to get my own airplanes and helicopters and shit. And I'm going to leave 'em to my wife and kids.

Little boy: You know what the problem is with clowns these days? They
try and do magic, too.

Guy: I wanna be your friend, not your father! I wanna be your friend, not your father!
Guy: It's like kids are the new accessory.
Woman on cell: My psycho fucking children! You're going to send my ass to the crazy house, and I'll kill every one of you before my ass goes to the crazy house!
Dude: No, I agree with you. Even if it's a robotic kid, they should still treat it as one of their own.
Girl on cell: Yeah, there's like 542 dirty little kids on the flight, and like 34,927 Yodas...No, like the kind from the Homeland.
Dad: You know what you are being? A little brat. If you don't come inside right now, you are going to get privileges taken away up the ying yang!
Suit: When I was a kid, the joke was, "Mom, Dad, would you please split up, because I can get more money for college if I come from a broken home?".

Chick #1: So I told him I love him...
Chick #2: Aw. that's so cute.
Chick #1: Yeah. And it was, like, true...I think.

Guy: Ooh, remember that time you got raped there?
Girl: Yeah! Why did we ride bikes, anyway?

Guy: That seems like a weird match to me.
Girl: Well, I guess they have a lot in common.
Guy: Like what?
Girl: Like they both like to eat snot.
Guy: Huh? Like, snot snot?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: They both like to eat ?
Girl: Yes.
Guy: Wow...Well, good for them.

Man: Excuse me, do you have any regular forks? This fry fork is too small.
Hot dog guy: Sorry, sir, all we have are these cocktail forks. We don't have any regular ones.
Hot dog girl: Yeah, they're afraid we'd used the regular forks to stab each other.

Girl #1: I'm cold.
Girl #2: Oh, shut up. What if you were homeless, then what would you do?
Girl #1: Kill myself.
Girl #2: Oh. Why don't they think of that?

Guy #1: Well, you know, I am a Mets fan.
Guy #2: Dude, then you're okay in my book. You could murder puppies and that's okay so long as you're a Mets fan!
Guy #3: Um, he does.
Guy #2: Exactly! You can totally murder puppies if you're a Mets fan!
Guy #3: No, he really does.
Guy #2: Totally!
Guy #3: He's a vet.
Guy #1: I am.

Tween girl #1: Oh my god! They, like, totally have TVs in the bathrooms here!
Tween girl #2: Oh my god! You can so watch TV while you are peeing or whatever.
Tween girl #3: Except it's only, like, sports and stuff.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, I don't really like sports. Except cheerleading. Is that sports?

Guy #1: The girl with the tattoo on her breast.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, yeah. She got a huge booty. That shit be a jigglypuff.
Guy #1: Yeah, for real. I just wanna grab that shit.
Guy #2: Yeah, but she got hairy legs.
Guy #1: You seen 'em?
Guy #2: Hell yeah, she showed me.
Guy #1: But, you know, it's winter. Girls be gettin' sloppy in wintertime.
Guy #2: I don't care, man. That shit's atrocious.

Girl #1: Can you believe her? It drives me nuts!
Girl #2: Do you remember back when you were 17? You were just as bad.
Girl #1: No, I wasn't. I didn't walk around saying I was hot. I may have been bad about other things, but I didn't say I was God's gift to everyone.
Girl #2: You were the most conceited person I knew.
Girl #1: Was not. And what the fuck do you have to bring that up and throw it in my face for? God...Forget it, I am not helping you with your Green Card.

Suit #1: So what do they speak in India? Hindu?
Suit #2: Hindu's not a language. It's Hindi.
Suit #1: Right, right. So those people, they're Buddhist?
Suit #2: Are you kidding me?

Lady: Excuse me, but I'm looking for a book.
Store chick: And?
Lady: I don't remember the title or author, but the cover is purple.
Store chick: Our purple books are downstairs.
Lady: They sent me up here.
Store chick: We're sold out of purple books. You want something in a yellow?

Woman: One grande caramel frappuccino with extra whipped cream, please.
Man: You know there's six or seven hundred calories in that, right?
Woman: It's not for me, it's for my hamster. I swear.

Store guy #1: Did you hear that JT Leroy is a fake? He never existed.
Store guy #2: What? Dude, are you serious?
Store guy #1: It's true. The New York Times proved it with like receipts and shit. Billy Corgan must be rolling over in his grave.
Store guy #2: Wait, Billy Corgan's dead?

Chick #1: And I was like, , it's food...I can it, you know?
Chick #2: Seriously. Just because she's anorexic doesn't mean she can impose her thoughts about food on you!
Chick #3: Wait, wait, wait. Back up. You ate a cracker you found on the floor of the subway ?

Promoter guy: Stand-up comedy! Are you interested in seeing some stand-up comedy tonight? Hey, I'm asking you a question.
Dude: Oh, no thanks.
Promoter guy: Oh, well, we also have stand-up misery.

Woman: Once in a store, a guy left his bag on the floor and I snatched his wallet right out of it.
Man: Boy, you sure are lucky.
Woman: I know, I took the money and bought me a TV.

Girl #1: For our next trip, my parents want to go on a cruise to Alaska.
Girl #2: Oh my god, no! Haven't you seen the Titanic?
Girl #1: I know, right? Plus, it's cold. I mean look at March of the Penguins . They die there.
Queer: So some stranger just approached me and asked me to fuck her and her husband on Staten Island...Wait, it was Ellis Island. Yeah, she wanted me to fuck with the Statue of Liberty.
Hag: Oh, that's too bad. Staten Island is nice.

Old lady: Please stop!
Conductor: I didn't see you.
The train pulls away.
Old lady: Fuckhead.

Guy: Wait, how's that work, exactly?
Girl: Well, you have sex according to the woman's menstrual cycle, you know, and you just don't have sex when she's ovulating.
Guy: Don't you have to take a health class or something to do that?

Guy: Let my put it this way: if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the hell do you think a humanitarian eats?
Girl: Oh, shut up.

Ticket guy: I'm sorry ma'am, my computer is being awfully slow.
Ticket gal: Maybe your computer has bacteria.

Barbershop quarter guy: Hey, she's walking on the outside. That means she's available. Tell that guy you're with that walking on the outside means you're available.
Guy: Um, she's my sister.
Russian guy: You should introduce me to your sister.
Frat guy: Hell no, man.
Russian guy: I would introduce you to my sister.
Frat guy: Dude, what do you do in your country? Meet in neutral territory and swap family members?

Flyers girl: Hi, would you like to come to a party?
Guy: No, thanks.
Flyers girl: Why do people keep lying to me?
Guy: I'm not a person.

Man #1: Hey man, why are you hanging out with her? She's a total dickbag.
Man #2: Dude, I'm imagining like...a bag...of...like...dicks?
(cf. this entry .)

Nanny #1: Who were you named after, Paulette?
Nanny #2: My father.
Nanny #1: Oh, what was his name?
Nanny #2: .

Guy #1: Remember that time last week when I like fucking killed Frank?
Guy #2: Huh?
Guy #1: When I fucking killed Frank?
Guy #2: Who?
Guy #1: Frank.
Guy #2: Oh, ha, ha! Priceless.

Store guy: You want a baloney sandwich or something?
Dude: Nah. The only time I eat baloney is when I'm in the joint.

A man is beeping his car horn incessantly in a traffic jam before the 59th St bridge. The guy in the car ahead of him rolls down his window, pokes his head out and calmly asks: What should I do?
He rolls down his own window.
Man #1: I...um...I just thought maybe you could move up a little.

Chick: Mine is the one that's not a dead animal.
Mom: The dead animal is mine...Actually, it's many animals. Many vicious animals. They deserved to die, to keep me warm!

Girl #1: So yeah, it was really cold out there, and he had to keep
building fires cause they had no heat.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, and also they had to keep this tea kettle on top of the
fireplace so it wouldn't get dry.
Girl #2: What? Who lives like that?
Girl #1: What? They live in the country.
Girl #2: Yeah, but they had to like, chop wood. Who lives like that? I have heat.
Girl #1: Yeah, that's 'cause you live on the Upper East Side.

Hobo: Do you have some change for a homeless man?
Suit: Sorry.
Hobo: Fucking faggot!
Suit: I'm a fucking fag with a warm house.

Girl #1: Don't laugh while I tell you this! Channel Chris Parnell!
Girl #2: Ha, ha, ha!...I'm sorry, I have to pull a Jimmy Fallon.

Guy: We came up on 6th Avenue so now we're on 49th!
Girl: Does anybody know where the friggin' tree is ?
Woman: It's on the fucking left!
Little girl: I hate that tree.
Woman: The big Christmas tree is in Central Park, right?
Man: Yeah.

Old Jewess: Where are you from originally?
Preggers: China.
Old Jewess: Oh that's good, because you know everyone wants an Asian baby now.

Queer #1: I don't think I'm as self-destructive as everybody actually thinks I am.
Queer #2: Perpetually relying on substances tells me you can't handle things on your own.
Queer #1: I wouldn't say I rely on them. They're more like an accessory, like a handbag or a purse.

A guy runs down and holds the train doors open. Guy: Yo! Yo!
Conductor: Next stop West 4th, stand clear.
The doors close.
Conductor: ...I wanna know who "Yo" is.

Girl #1: I've been eating really good foods.
Girl #2: What about all of that yogurt in your fridge? You have like six containers of it.
Girl #1: It's okay, they don't expire until January of '07.
Girl #2: That means January 7th, dumbass.

Guy #1: I had sushi last week.
Guy #2: Isn't that like raw fish?
Guy #1: Man, it's so good you don't even taste the raw fish.
Guy #2: Then you should just take the raw fish out.

Guy #1: I'm a gangsta. And gangsta people see gangsta movies. You go see that Hong Kong , King Kong or whatever.
Guy #2: What about In The Mix ?

Lady lawyer: You look like a lot of my cousins, you know.
Boy attorney #1: Are they models?
Boy attorney #2: Yeah, leg brace models!

Girl: Hey, do you have to read that for class?
Guy: Nope, just picked it up for fun.
Girl: If you like Vonnegut, you'd really like One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Next .
Guy: This is my stop.

Guy: Stop being such a Debbie Downer.
Girl: Stop watching such shitty tv shows.

Girl: I had four vibrators.
Guy: You had four vibrators?
Girl: Yeah, and I was using the blue one to massage his neck.

Guy #1: No, he's a draq queen not a trannie; he didn't get it cut off.
Guy #2: So then RuPaul must be the most famous drag queen ever, man...
Guy #1: Probably not.
Guy #2: Who, then? Like...Fu Manchu?

Hobo: Hey buddy, can you spare a nickel?
Cabbie: Yeah, do you accept credit cards?
Hobo: Fuck you! I am here trying to live on the streets. Just take your customer wherever she's going...Don't you tip his sorry ass. He's a racist Iraqian.

Little girl #1: He took out everything after we bought the house. The refrigerator, the stove, the toilet...
Little girl #2: Was he Korean? I mean, I'm Korean but that sounds so Korean.
Little girl #1: Nah, he was Italian.
Little girl #2: Koreans, Italians, French...no difference.
White guy: Dude, I'm going to be the only non-Asian at this party.
Asian guy: No, man, there are going to be tons of Koreans there.

Lady: A lot of people came off this train. Why aren't you people moving in?
Guy: There's a baby stroller in the back.
Lady: Well, they should move it. Move it over to the side!
Guy: Move a tiny infant baby? Everybody, look! This lady right here is the Antichrist! Move the baby? You the Antichrist!

Teen boy #1: Oh man, it was like an episode of I Love Lucy .
Teen boy #2: I love who?
Teen boy #1: . Oh man,you don't know what I Love Lucy is? ! I ain't your friend no more.

Businessguy: Hi, small Earl Grey tea with milk, please.
Deli man: What kind of tea?
Businessguy: Earl Grey.
Deli man: How many sugars you say? Two?

Tourist woman #1: Where is 5th Avenue?
Tourist woman #2: Oh, we won't get there until we actually get a cab to New York.

Guy: You should let her get a picture with the Naked Cowboy.
Dad: She's only six! She's not getting a picture with him.
Little girl: Daddy? I'm six ?

Professor man: Can anyone tell me what's an entourage?
Guy: A posse.
Professor man: A ? A "posse"? Is that really a word?

Teen girl: What the fuck is a morning rubber? I've got to get a morning rubber.
Chick: God, you are such a virgin! You put a morning rubber on a morning glory, for God's sake.

Girl: Well, as a lesbian, it's not something I understand...
Guy: You mean, she's a size queen?
Girl: I didn't say that...but I don't get it.
Guy: I don't get it either. I mean, I've slammed into someone's cervix, and it didn't look like that was too fun for her.
Girl: Well, I guess you have nothing to worry about.

Chick #1: I can't wear wool, it gives me a rash...My mom likes argyle.
Chick #2: Isn't that a kind of wool?
Chick #1: I don't know. I used to have an argyle cat, and it didn't make me itch, so maybe not.

Hobo: Do you have the time?
Guy: Yeah, it's 2:30ish
Hobo: Can you spare some change?
Guy: I told you the time, and time is money.

A chick been caught stealing by security. For some inexplicable reason, they let her yell at them.
Chick: This is not the United States of White-ass Bitches; this is the United States of .
Chick: I'm owed this shirt because I'm black, bitches. I don't owe nothin' to you white folks. I'm owed this shirt because of slavery.

January 31st sees the release of Overheard in New York , the book. There are apparently people out there who have lives and don't read websites; now they can see for themselves what this site we all love so much is all about.
The book is perfect subway reading, and makes a great gift for Chicks, Dudes, Old ladies, Tourist moms and Crazy guys. And unlike
almost every other website turned into a book, we weren't censored. You get the best of the best--and the worst of the worst!--as well as a bunch of quotes we saved especially for the print edition.
We're very excited and hope to make this an annual tradition. It'll be
like Zagat's, but with hobos. You can order it here .

Chick #1: Where's [Suzy]?
Chick #2: She's in Vegas.
Chick #1: She is? How'd she get there so fast?
Chick #2: I dunno. She's fat. She can fly.

Asian guy: If I'da been white, they would have let me in. White people suck.
White guy: White people don't suck; clubs suck. I try to limit myself to venues that always let me in, but still encourage easy white women to come too. So far, I have yet to get an STD that can't be cured.

Lady lawyer: I think Christians are generally taller.
Boy attorney #1: So if a Korean was to convert to Christianity, he'd get taller?
Boy attorney #2: Sure, if he prayed hard enough.

Guy #1: I'm not a very social person.
Guy #2: Join the club.

Teacher lady: What a deep, deep black!
Girl #1: Black like my soul.
Teacher lady: Maybe you should try pencil.
Girl #2: Wait what did you say?
Girl #1: It's black like my soul.
Girl #2: You should get a kitty.

Guy: Did you hook up with anyone on New Year's?
Girl: Yeah, and he's like a prince of some country.
Guy: Heh, that's cool I guess. Did he take you to his palace?
Girl: No, but that would've been cool. I've always wanted to touch a prince's penis.
Chick: So, I figured we'd ring in the new year with a three-way.
Chick: There are 3 things I hate about the holidays. One, people who become assholes for no reason. Two, people who become more emotional for no reason. And three, people who are both of the above.

Guy: I thought you couldn't write diplomats tickets.
Cop: You can write 'em, they just don't have to pay 'em!
Guy: Oh.
Cop: Yeah. Fuck them!

Queer: You know what I completely forgot people worry about? Getting pregnant.

Girl: Can we deal with one faggot at a time?
Queer: They put us all in here with the leaky roof 'cause they figure the gays are just gonna be leaking too.
Girl: Yeah, her name is Victor. She got arrested because she was a homo. That's the secret.
Guy: They were as gay as two dicks stuck together.

Guy: Dude, have you ever tried to jack off twice in 20 minutes?

Girl on cell: Maybe we should just get her a vibrator that says "I Love New York" and kill two birds with one stone.
Punk guy: You masturbated in your parent's room while they were sleeping?
Woman on cell: Oh, shit...We need to order more dildos.

Guy: Dude, I'm not allergic to cats when I'm drunk.

Woman: You know, I haven't gone more than 3 days without a drink since I was 13...I wanna see what it's like.
Woman: Well, it's time for me to catch up on my alcohol.
Girl: Party! Can we watch and drink mojitos?
Guy: My insides are 90% soy sauce and bourbon.
Girl on cell: I'm going to go home, sleep, and vomit.
Dude: I was like, "Hwah!" Like, " !" I was like Hercules! Like Hercules! It was cool. I was drunk.

Woman: That's the way New York is; it's a contact sport.

Lady: It is so touristy here with the horses!
Promoter guy: Take one, throw it out! Take one, throw it out! Hear me, folks? Take one, throw it out!
Mom: We're going where there's no people!
Tourist dad: And tonight, we have reservations at the Jekyll & Hyde restaurant. I have a VIP card.
Tourist dad: Well, they could at least give you a "You Are Here" on this thing.
Mom: You to how to !
Teen girl: Is NYU a college, mom?
Security guy: I made that.
Girl: I think I would have liked this place better before when it had the real whores and druggies rather the current corporate whores and mindless drones.
Lady on cell: Okay, I'm in Washington Square Park. Can you tell me how to get to Greenwich Village?
Drunk teen boy: God! It's the fucking L train again?
Woman: I'm not a racist! I live on the Upper West Side!
Bike guy: Hey, jaywalker! You're a jaywalker! The light was red, you're not supposed to cross the street! Jaywalker! Get out of her way, everybody, she's more important than you! !
Tourist woman: Third floor. Where's the fourth floor?
Guy on cell: Gross, gross; the East Side is gross.
Guy on cell: What side of the street are you on, left or right?...It doesn't matter which way you're facing, we're on the same street.
Tween girl: Iced coffee, sushi...they should totally open all over the world.
Tourist dude: Where do they have the Bat-Signal?
Little boy: Is there a special place in Times Square called "Times Square"?
Suit: They're like the Rockefellers of Staten Island.

Old woman: My mother kept saying that she wants to have carpet installed over her stone floors, but I don't think that's such a good idea. She's incontinent, and as I always say, "carpeting and
incontinence do not belong in the same sentence!"

Chick: But I fail to understand why he needs a carpet on the toilet!
Dude: Does that mean you actually get to colonoscopies?
Drunk woman: See this cane? I'm gonna lube it up with Bengay and shove it up your tush. That'll hurt.
Girl on cell: I mean, I don't even have the personal time to take a shit, much less anything else.
Chick: I can't believe I'm 23 and I still always pee on my hand.
Woman on cell: ...and I'm having pain upon urination. Can you help me with that?
Guy: Girl, I wanna suck the fart right out your ass.
Security guy: Yeah, man. Dat shit is like dingleberries.
Woman: My bladder is the only small thing on me!
Man: We were in the club and I went to the bathroom and there was a girl next to me at the urinal. She said, "Stop staring!" I said, "You're in the men's room, I'll stare all I want."

Girl: I'll have an everything bagel, scooped out and toasted with five egg whites and extra cheese but not too much extra cheese that it's gooping out, just like one slice more than you normally would use. Oh, and make sure the eggs are well done.

Chick: That is the most disgusting cheese I have ever seen!
Guy: Cashew nuts? Nah man, cashew nuts make you retarded!
Girl: Oh man, after that I'm going to be craving some meat.
Dude: I hate hot sauce but I like you.
Girl: ...and so I said to myself, "Suzanne, you have a communist living in your house. The only thing that you're going to be eating is rice!"
Old man: And why do people think that just because they're Portuguese they can go in your refrigerator and eat all your hot dogs?
Girl: And I seriously had always thought chicken nuggets were made out of beef!
Hobo: Hey, hey you, I'll trade you this hot dog for that bunny.

Woman: I always thought the Purple Pieman was Satan. Isn't that one of his many names?

Professor guy: I know I should seek authorization from something called a "Class Dean," or alternatively, the Pope.
Dude: I hate the fucking Mormons. You drink alcohol, you go to Hell; premarital sex: Hell; everything you do: Hell, Hell, Hell.
Woman: It was so spiritual, like being in church or something. Not one of those judgmental going-to-hell Catholic churches, though. I mean a nice church.
Girl: ? What are you about? I'm a traditional Catholic! I'm like one of the first Catholics to ever exist!
Trainer guy: ...so I looked inside, you know, but I didn't go in because I don't do church.
Girl: I just have to keep reminding myself: God won't care if I get an F.
Old woman: Oh my, it's easy to get high here!

Stewardess on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we know it's hot. We're hoping to have you underway as soon as we can. In the meantime, if you'll reach into the seat pocket in front of you and remove the safety information card, you'll find that it makes a nice fan.

Drunk guy: This beer is so warm. So warm. It's like ice!
 Daily News guy: Freakin' freezing free Daily News . Read it and keep warm!
Fratboy on cell: Oh, it was made out of clay?...So he heated it up in
a kennel, then?
Chick: My uterus is frozen!

JAP: I like, didn't even know I had a middle name until my bat-mitzvah.

Drunk teen girl: I asked my driver to smoke with me and he wouldn't!
Girl on cell: ...No! You're not the Pink Princess! You're just the regular Princess!...Well, how about the Purple Princess? She can be purple...God, I don't even feel like a Princess anymore...
Suit: Oh, man. Star Wars . Once you get up to ...Oh, man.

Chick on cell: I guess it's must be a cultural thing. I mean, maybe it doesn't smell to them .

Girl: So he just put deodorant all over his face.
Girl: He doesn't smell that bad for an academic.

Girl: Like, I tried anorexia last year, and I only lasted, like, six months.

Woman: Are you that fat you can't feel your phone vibrating?
Queer on cell: What? He got fat? He was so hot!...Oh, he stopped doing crystal? Figures...Is he still interested in you? But he was so hot when he was doing crystal.
Tween boy: Yeah, my mom says that if you can't find where your waist is, you're fat.

Bag lady: Come here! Come here, you fuckin' bitch! Are you too good to
give your fucking wife a hug? Come here, fucking bitch!

Construction guy: So I says, "I'd like to put him in a bowl and pour some milk on him!"
Foreign guy: All he ever wants to do is spoon me.
Professor guy: Old people and animals is a sexy topic these days.
Guy: She could only get him to hook up with her if she let him wear her makeup.

Guy #1: Tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what are you going to do?
Guy #1: I'm going to buy a new belt and beat my wife with it.

Girl #1: I like your hair.
Girl #2: It's the perfect color for a Jewish girl.
Girl #1: But you're not Jewish.
Girl #2: Not yet.

Security lady: ...Oh, I know her. I heard she don't have no teeth no more.
Guy: Heh...nope.
Security lady: Good for suckin' dick.
Guy: Heh, heh...yep.
Security lady: Bet that's right up your alley, ain't it?
Guy: I ain't got no alleys.

Guy: Do you go to FDU?
Girl: No, I got to Hunter. It's in Manhattan; have you heard of it?
Guy: No, but where is it?
Girl: Do you know the city?
Guy: Of course!
Girl: 68th and Lexington.
Guy: That's near the Village, right?
Girl: No, it's on the Upper East Side.
Guy: Oh. Well, I usually hang out in the Village. Down by Avenue A and Avenue B.
Girl: Um.

Dude #1: But I really want to go to Arabia.
Dude #2: Nice.
Dude #1: Like Iran or some shit like that...I want to do those Arabian countries.
Dude #2: Ha! And have some Arabian night.
Dude #1: Fuck, yeah. But shit, I really need some Diesel jeans.

Girl: Why do they have to be so rude here?
Guy: I feel like I've been gang raped with a 12 inch loaf.

Guy: So that girl we just bumped into...she totally used to do tons of coke. But I think she stopped.
Girl: Isn't she pregnant?
Guy: Yeah, well, babies cost lots of money.

Man #1: Eli has got some issues, some hair issues.
Man #2: Yeah, they used to call him an overretarded baby bird; now they just call him the bird's nest.

Guy: You could try working out.
Girl: I work out.
Guy: Are you going to take that hip-hop class?
Girl: No.
Guy: I think I'm going to take that hip-hop class just so I can serve you . I'm going to go down there and serve you .

Chick #1: Why do those stone people on the side of the courthouse look so happy? Family court isn't happy.
Chick #2: Yeah, if that were a real family, one would be holding a shovel, and the other one holding a fork.

Teen guido boy #1: I was going down on her and her pussy tasted like peach Snapple.
Teen guido boy #2: The iced tea, right?

Chick #1: Rosie is the queen of snot rockets.
Chick #2: Can you teach me?
Rosie: Do you have snot?

Old woman: Ann-Margret is a tramp.
Old man: How can you say that? Ann-Margret is a dish!
Old woman: A petri dish, maybe.

Guy #1: I don't know man, I thought when I had kids I would no longer want another woman. I thought it would end you?
Guy #2: Yeah yeah, it never ends.
Guy #1: If kids doesn't do it, how do you make it stop?
Guy #2: Cupcakes.

Man: You know my name. What is my name?
Little girl: Daddy.
Man: Then why are you hitting me in the face?

Hobo: Hey! Help a brother out?
Guy: Sorry, we have to go. Have a good night.
Hobo: ?

Lady: My dog hates morbidly obese people.
Guy: That's so cool.
Lady: I guess a fat person must've sat on her at the crackhouse where I found her.

Woman: It's going to be a 20 minute wait.
Man: Why don't you go use the restrooms now?
Woman: It's okay, I can wait 20 minutes.
Man: If you shit your pants in public again, I'm going to fucking kill
you.

Mom: Eat this first and then you can have your Lucky Charms.
Little boy: No! I hate banana !
Mom: You do not; you were begging me for banana on Sunday. Fine. Turkey bacon, then.
Little boy: No.
Mom: Fine. Nothing for you. Say, "OK, Mommy."
Little boy: You're mean.
Mom: You're lucky to have a mean mommy.

Hobo: Oh, you gonna work this car?
Activist guy: Yeah, I got kinda like a political thing goin' on here. I hope you don't mind if I work here.
Hobo: A'right, fine, whateva.
Hobo: Hey, I'm not selling candy for the basketball team. I'm not selling candy for the football team. I'm not selling candy for the afterschool program. In fact, I'm not selling anything. I just want your money so I can buy pot and beer and crack. And Viagara. I hear you need Viagara when you're on the crack...Hi, miss. You have the prettiest eyes I've seen in 20 minutes...You, no! Get out. I am working this car. Get out. No candy!

Hobo: Excuse me, miss, can I have a kiss?
Girl #1: Um, no. I have to go. Bye!
Hobo: Well, what about your friend?
Girl #2: ...No. What am I to you, next in line?

Toddler boy: Look, Daddy! The airport!
Dad: That's the moon, Milo.

Professor guy: And who was Sadat?
Chick: Leader of Egypt?
Professor: And what was he doing in 1981?
Chick: Being assassinated?

Suit: So my Dad just got back from New Orleans.
Girl: Wow; did he say it was like a disaster down there?
Suit: No, he said it was like a fucking flood went through there, idiot.

Girl #1: Wow, your outfits are so cool.
Girl #2: Thanks!
Girl #1: Do you have any more glow bracelets?
Girl #2: Yeah, a lot
Girl #1: Can I have one?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Oh...So before when I said your outfits were cool: I was totally lying.

Girl #1: Remember when we would go out, make up stories and fake names?
Girl #2: Yeah, that was fun.
Girl #1: We really need to lie more.

Guy #1: Yesterday this girl said she wanted to throw herself in front of the train and I'm like, "This bitch is crazy."
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: I mean, I see that motherfucka coming and that shit ain't gonna happen, you know?
Guy #2: Maybe she was depressed.
Guy #1: Are you kidding? That shit is pancake style...bitch is crazy.

Woman: Excuse me, sir, you need to make room and let a lady sit down.
Queer: Excuse me ? You should stand, honey; you might burn some calories.
Woman: Go drink a fucking Red Bull, faggot.
Girl on cell: No, with the presents and the whatever, he is stressing me out! I mean, it's sheer stupidism. Or whatever.
Old man: So John was gay for about 26 years and then went on JDate and fell in love with a woman. JDate makes you straight, I guess.

News guy: Get your special AM Metro News! Special edition; last one for the year. Get two: one to read and one to frame.
Teen boy: I really wanted to drink some champagne, but I didn't have any flutes, so I had to drink it out of a wine glass.
Teen girl: That's really embarrassing.
Wheelbo: Happy new year! Happy new year!... Fuck your mother !
Guy: I guess "not funny" is the new "funny".

Girl #1: So, I don't know, I guess I'm giving up manicures for Lent.
Girl #2: Really? Shit! I'm not. Robbie would be cool with that.

Chick: I'd do you.
Kevin Smith: No, you wouldn't. Not even if you were stoned drunk.

Man: She needs to be something.
Woman: She is; haven't you seen all the medicine bottles on her desk?
Man: She's got medicine on her desk? Let's go get some.

Mom: ...and you have to hold my hand before we go out into the street.
Little girl: Best fucking advice .

Guy: How can you believe in God? You've never seen him.
Girl: Well, I believe you have a brain though I've never seen it!

Mom: You couldn't even wait 'til we got to the bathroom.
Little boy: I told you.
Mom: You know you coulda held it.

Guy #1: Ever notice you can't fart on these subway seats?
Guy #2: I think it's the angle; I've had that problem before.

Guy: Why are you wearing tuxedo pants?
Jon Stewart: I want to raise my baby formally. It's black tie in the
house.

Woman: Excuse me, where's the restroom?
Usher guy: Sixth seat on the right, ma'am.

Guy #1: Shouldn't you guys be out looking for jobs instead of practicing four part harmonies?
Songbo: Shouldn't you be sucking his dick?
Guy #2: He does have a point.

Chick: I wanna get some juice.
Guy: What juice?
Chick: POM juice.
Guy: Oh, please.
Chick: What's wrong with POM juice?
Guy: It tastes like pussy.
Chick: Like pussy?

Girl #1: Sara, everything's not about you.
Girl #2: Everything's to me.

Man: Do you work or go to school?
JAP: I work.
Man: Really? Because you look young.
JAP: How old do you think I am?
Man: 19?
JAP: Do you really think you should be hitting on a 19 year old girl?

Woman #1: Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Amy Fisher?
Woman #2: No.
Woman #1: Well, you do. I mean what she did was wrong and all, but she was a beautiful woman, so are you.

Vendor guy: Do you like manga? Have you heard of yaoi?
Woman: I'm sorry. I'm German. I'm a little retarded when it comes to language.

Woman #1: I've been thinking lately that I want to be a gynecologist.
Woman #2: That'd be so cute! You could deliver babies and everything!
Woman #1: Oh. Well. Actually, I don't really like children. I mean, I'd be willing to kill them, but I wouldn't really want to deliver them...

Drunk girl #1: I have so many beads.
Drunk girl #2: Stop showing your tits!
Drunk girl #1: I can't !

Suit #1: So, they fired everyone in your department, but they offered you to stick around for two months and help them with the transition period?
Suit #2: Yeah, they said that there was a very good chance they would keep me on a permanent basis if everything went well.
Suit #1: And you said...
Suit #2: I told them to go fuck themselves. I mean, you can't come into my house, rape my mother, and then expect me to go out drinking with you.

Woman: I want to report that there is a drawing of Hitler at the bottom of these stairs.
MTA lady: Well, is there anything anti-Semitic written with the drawing?

Man: Ay, Mami, looking good today...
Woman: Can't you see I am with my son?
Little boy: You're his mommy too?

Girl #1: Wow. Akiva Goldsmith's really made something for himself...for a Jew.
Girl #2: God you're a racist.
Girl #1: What makes me a racist? I'm part Jewish.
Girl #2: An hour ago you asked me why all Asians look the same.

Conductor: The man in the yellow hat, please get off the train. We
don't take passengers at Fordham.
Woman: Isn't that Curious George's owner?

Girl: How do you like NYU so far?
Guy: I like it a lot.
Girl: So, are you at least bi-curious yet?
Guy: Hey, I haven't seen you in, like, two years.
Girl #1: Yeah, not since that time we made out at Cristina's party...then you went to Paris.
Guy: ...I'm gay now.
Girl #1: Oh.
Girl #2: NYU boys should really come with warning labels.

Teen guy: You owe me a buck, I didn't complain about gettin' no ass all day.
Teen girl: How about a blowjob instead?
Teen guy: You serious?
Teen girl: Sure...
Teen guy: I bet you wouldn't be good anyways. It's a dollar.
Teen girl: Well, you missed out...
Teen guy: How about you come to my roof sometime?
Teen girl: Man-whore.
Teen guy: You can't call me that, I haven't gotten any ass in months.
Teen girl: Ha, ha. I get more ass than you!

Guy: ...Newborn babies are pretty small, yo.
Girl: Not small enough to fit in your pocket!
Guy: What if you were wearing cargo pants?

Girl: Why don't you just make a list of things I need to change about myself so I can be more like you?
Guy: Okay, let's start with your tooth brushing. How about rinsing off the toothbrush before you put it back into the cabinet so there is not old toothpaste and spit dripping off of it? And how about rinsing after you brush?
Girl: Anything else?
Guy: No, I think that's the only thing you need to change about yourself.

Woman: So the Olympics are in Italy?
Man: Yeah, Torino.
Woman: Where's that?
Man: Italy.

Suit #1: My boss is having an open bar party tonight. Wanna go?
Suit #2: I can't. Women's figure skating short program...I'm serious.
Guy #1: Did you see the Olympic Figure Skating last night?
Guy #2: Yeah, that one chick just kept falling, looked like Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live .
Guy #1: Did you watch the Olympics over the weekend?
Guy #2: Yeah, I was very disappointed to hear about Michelle Kwan and her little injury.
Guy #1: It was a groin pull, wasn't it?
Guy #2: Do chicks even have groins?

Girl #1: You should see this guy. He's like the reincarnation of Gerard Way.
Girl #2: Gerard Way's not dead.
Girl #1: He's emo. He's dead inside.

God Squad lady: Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming !
Girl: Well, is he going to be getting off the S train? 'Cause I'll just meet him there.

Hobo #1: Penny for the homeless?
Hobo #2: You've got to be universal, you can't just ask the pretty women.

Guy #1: Cookies!
Girl: I don't know if I want to bring in the cookies tomorrow; they're so heavy.
Guy #2: You know what's heavier? The guilt you'll feel for disappointing us.

Girl #1: I'm serious, I'm 23
Girl #2: No way you ain't. I'm 23, and I'm 28,

Teen boy: Wow, look, my feet are bigger than yours!
Dad: So what? My dick is bigger than yours!

Guy #1: I just need a few dollars to get on the train. I lost my wallet.
Guy #2: Sorry, I'm broke. I don't have anything.
Guy #1: Everyone in this city is broke! No one wants to help anyone! They wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire!

Yarmulke guy: Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista! Bush fascista, se tenemos ser la lista!
Woman: Do you think he's Orthodox?
Man: He's Orthodox crazy.

Guy: Hey, you seen that movie Grizzly Man yet?
Girl: No, but I really really want to.
Guy: Yeah, it's so good. Hey, you know they're making a movie about the bear guy? Already! And guess who's starring in it!
Girl: I dunno...
Guy: Leonardo da Vinci!
Girl: Who?
Guy: You know! Leonardo da Vinci! Leonardo da Vinci !

Store guy: Hello, how can I help you?
Chick: I'd like a meatball sub.
Store guy: would you like a six inch or footlong?
Chick: Footland.

Guy: Hey, you`ve been reading that book for a long time.
Girl: It's a good book. It's my dad's. He already finished it. He's reading mine.
Guy: What's it called?
Girl: Children of Cain .
Guy: What's Cain?
Girl: I don't know. Dad?
Dad: I think it's from the Bible.
Guy: Ah.
Mom: Cain was from the Bible, he was one of two brothers. And I believe he did something naughty.

Lesbian #1: Shh, don’t say that! Call it ordering out.
Lesbian #2: Okay, fine. We haven't ordered out much lately, but do you still want to have sex with me?

Old woman: Did you hear what I said? Did you hear me ?
Old man: I heard you, woman. But I can't hear you now!

Shopgirl: Can I help anyone with anything?
Man: Yeah, can you give me a lobotomy? 'Cause I really need one.
Shopgirl: Sorry, no.
Man: C'mon, just bring out a sledgehammer!

Guy: We have to figure out a way to get rid of her bird.
Girl: I hate birds like that. They're full of secrets and dust.
Guy: And lice and opinions.

Guy #1: So what are you doing this weekend?
Guy #2: I am heading out for my niece's birthday party.
Guy #1: Nice. Is she hot?
Guy #2: Well she's only 3, but she has some cute 4 year old friends I could introduce you to.

Girl #1: ...but I mean, it would have been cute if we gotten pregnant at the same time...
Girl #2: Yeah, i'm kinda bummed...
Girl #1: We would totally get our abortions together!
Girl #2: Oh my god, we would!

Girl: She is so fucking dirty. I swear, whenever she touches her hair she has to wash her hands.
Guy: Or make fried chicken.

Tween girl #1: So did you pick London for question #7?
Tween girl #2: Yeah, I think so. I think I did really well.
Tween girl #1: Yeah, me too. I just hope we don't have to take the test again.
Tween girl #2: Why would we have to take it again?
Tween girl #1: Well, if they get three or more lawsuits, they have to give everybody the test again.
Tween girl #2: But if they give it again, won't we know the answers? Are you saying they give us the 8th grade test?
Tween girl #1: No, they give us the 7th grade test.
Tween girl #2: So won't everyone know the answers?
Tween girl #1: No, I think they give us next year's 7th grade test, so we wouldn't know the answers.

Girl: This is not going to happen. My mother taught me respect. I know you understand that. I do not give it out on the train. Not my name, not my number. You understand that.
Dude: Yeah, I hear you. I can respect that. Nothin' but respect.
She gets off the train.
Dude: Man, I fucked way finer girls than that. I'm sayin', I could've got off the train with her and fucked that bitch.

Crazy codger: I'm on the sex train. Wooha.
Conductor guy: Tickets, please.
Crazy codger: We're all gonna have fucking sex!
Conductor guy: Tickets.
Crazy codger: What the fuck do you want? Sex?

Chick: Are you Jon Lovitz?
Jon Lovitz: Jealous?

Girl: I have to go to the doctor soon.
Guy: Why?
Girl: Because I can't breathe.
Guy: That's not good.
Girl: Yeah, my dad doesn't think so either.

Cashier girl: You have more than 10 items.
White man: Who are you? Are you the items police?
Cashier girl: You're only allowed to have 10 items.
White man: Fine, but I have two of the same items, so does that count as one item or two?
Cashier girl: I have to call the manager.

Guy: You should become a lesbian. It seems to be working out for everyone else.
Girl: Yeah, um, I'll have to pass.
Guy: You're so shallow.

Guy #1: All I remember is walking into your room and everyone was smoking opium and sitting on the bed that was two feet from the ceiling.
Guy #2: Yeah, and remember Mr. Millard?
Guy #1: Yeah, remember when he died?
Guy #2: Oh my god, yeah, I was so happy, that fucker!

Salesman#1: How do you pronounce this guy's name?
Salesman#2: I'm afraid to try; I might chip a friggin' tooth.

Girl: What if I Bobsted?
Guy: I can't believe you are asking me this.
Girl: Do you think my parents would at least get the 50 thousand back?

Hobo: Spare some change?
Hipster dude: Uh, I gave some to the last guy.
Hobo: Hey man, this ain't a unionized situation.

Girl: Oh god! That woman stinks of garlic.
Guy #1: What, the one picking her nose?
Guy #2: Maybe she's trying to dislodge a clove of it or something...
Girl: No, it's more chest-based. Like she rubbed it all over her breasts.

Guy: ...so he digs stuff like Fahrenheit 451 and all--
Girl: "451"? Er, 9-11, you mean.

Teen boy: What you readin'?
Hasidic man: It's the Bible in Hebrew.
Teen boy: Oh...Where'd you get it?
Hasidic man: In a store that sells books in Hebrew.

Litte boy: Dad, what's something I can learn?
Dad: Do you know how to use a chainsaw? I can see if I can get the chainsaw working.
Guy #1: How was that class for you? Was it like a war?
Guy #2: For me? It was more like walking through a preschool with a chainsaw.

Hipster guy: That's a cool coat, it's pimp.
Ghetto guy: Thanks...Did you say "pimp"? I'm not a pimp.
Hipster guy: No, I meant pimp like cool.
Ghetto guy: Oh, okay...It's not real. I'm a vegan.

Guy #1: You know what we need? A nice breeze.
Guy #2: What the fuck are you talking about? It's cold as balls.
Guy #1: I was being ironic.
Guy #2: That's not ironic. Ironic is like...shit, I don't know. Like that song.
Guy #1: Naw, man. That's what people think, but ironic is when you say some shit but you mean some other shit.
Guy #2: Motherfucker, that's facetious.
Guy #1: Yeah...Then what's ironic?
Guy #2: How the fuck should I know? You the nigga with the GED.

Hipster girl: I still don't understand why they say "word."
Hipster guy: Well, I think it's because they don't know what word to use. Like, they get so excited they can't say anything else.
Hipster girl: Why don't they just say like, "Wow, that's awesome" or something?
Hipster guy: That just makes you sound like an idiot.

Little boy: Dad, why did his legs pop up like that?
Dad: Rigor mortis, son. Rigor mortis.

Mom: Excuse me, Mr. Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffin, that's a little revisionist, don't you think?

Mailwoman: Give me some of the cheese. No, not that, the American...the Americano...the yellow stuff. I don't worry about no gym so you can put more than that on. You're skinny, I'm fat. I can tell you don't love that cheese.
Woman: You know, I can make a pork chop taste like chicken.
Flyer guy: Hey, you want a coupon for a Spicy Chicken? It comes with free fries! You know you want free fries! Hey, smile, it's good for your aura!
Slavic girl: I cannot stand Americans who come to the opera smelling like hamburgers.
Teen girl: Oh my god. It so smells like fucking chocolate in here.
Girl: Health issues and drama at school and home. It's like a pizza pie of misery.
Woman on cell: Jesus Christ, this is like Russia in the 19th century only instead of toilet paper and soap, people are lined up to buy brie and pate.
Man on cell: I was just hoping they would let me eat it while I got a lap dance.
Girl: We're moving on to outer space--which is, metaphorically, cheese.
Lady: Oh yeah, I remember when my hair used to smell like special sauce.

Guy on cell: I don't think it's time yet to do the professional intervention thing. I mean if she drops down below 90, then maybe it's time. But I'd like to her get down to 95, then she would be hot. As long as she doesn't lose those 5 in her tits. Shit, she has nice tits.

Teen boy: Yo, Zach, I thought of a new Michael J. Fox joke. So, you go into a Verizon and start shaking and they go, "Who do you think you are? Superman?" and you say, "No", 'cause you're Michael J. Fox...'cause he has Parkinson's.
Pretty boy: All right! Fine! So I gave you herpes! Now we have herpes!
Old man: Tobacco kills. Cancer cures smoking. Think about it.
Girl: I coughed it up and everything was better.
Model guy: ...I know, jaundice is so in now.
Girl on cell: So she's still smoking in your apartment? And she knows you're allergic? Not cool. You should tell her that for every cigarette she smokes during the day, you'll put one out on her while she sleeps.
Girl: See this weird thing that showed up on my leg in Africa? Kind of looks like ringworm.
Guy: I've been using paper towel to blow my nose and now it's all chapped. Like my ass.
Girl: I want to get a tattoo on my wrist that says, "Take Your Vitamins" so I'll remember to take my vitamins and won't feel like shit like I always do.
Nurse woman: I used to catheterize people all the time, and I mean . . . Tons and tons of times.

Guy: You know, for a hundred dollars, you can get that old mink stole
made into a teddy bear!

Dude: Yo, I hate it when guys like, ride the train without their shirt on and stuff. It's nasty.
Guy: You can put sneakers in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits.
Queer: ...and he stretched, but he was obviously doing it so his shirt would ride up so he could show off how much weight he'd lost, and I was like, "Ugh, that's not coming anywhere near area."
Dude: People react differently to me in a suit. It's like they sense that it's who I really am.
Girl: Let me look. I'm, like, the Sherlock Holmes of underwear.
Woman: Then the models come in on drugs, still in their outfits, vomiting everywhere, and people are yelling, " What did they take ?" That's what my Fashion Week is like.
Old man on cell: Hi. What? Are you in stupid mode?...You're having a senior moment?...I wanna go see that underwear.
Hipster girl: American Apparel makes me want to fucking kill myself.
Old man: Are they nice ties? Yes! Are they the nicest ties I have ever seen? No! Let's go!
Chick: No, seriously, look at her legs. It's beyond cottage cheese thighs. Her whole legs are cottage cheese. It looks like she poured herself into her pantyhose.
Store guy: I have been a bartender and a waiter but I have never been the host. There is no way to estimate how long it will take to fit someone's breast into a bra. This is an art, not a science, people!
Security guy: I'm surprise I haven't seen nobody wearing shorts.
Woman: You know, there is something to be said for dressing seasonally. Seasonably? Whatever. I mean, it's cool if you want to wear a tube top to the bar or whatever, but when girls are going out in these little tube tops, wear a jacket! You know? No outfit is cool unless you're comfortable in it. To a degree.
Crazy guy: I'm poor! I'm poor! I'm poor! I'm poor! Won't somebody please buy me a pair of dungarees? I really need some dungarees.
Guy: Damn, girl! You look like either a nurse or a maid! I can't tell if you're serving drinks or starting an IV!

Jamaican woman: Oh mahn, I used to get so high and den turn on dat Spanish channel so loud and just sit in front of it and listen.

Woman: So...he got high on furniture?
Man: So you don't want to try the marijuana?...But you came all the way from Japan for the marijuana. Now you don't even want to try it?
Old lady on cell: Forest View rehab !
Guy: Motherfucker called me a drug dealer, son, and I got . I slammed him up against the fucking wall . I smoke pot . I'm not a drug dealer. Don't label me, son.
Businessman lady on cell: And I was like, "Hello! I was totally a speed freak in college; I think I can handle TheraFlu Day!"
Hippie man: I am so glad we do drugs.
Professor guy: But I took ecstasy by accident, I was 43 years old. It's kind of harmless; it's cute, it's got a butterfly on it.

Old lady: No, Henry, trust me. You were never a fuck machine, and I certainly did know how to fake it.

Dude: Yo, I'm tired of this shit. I ain't fuckin' no girl behind no nigga's back....at least not that I know of.
Guy: But you were disappointed that you didn't get molested. Admit it...Oh my god, that was a joke! God, you are sexually repressed!
Dude: I just, like, lost my virginity three times in that pillow fight.
Guy on cell: So is this like a regular orgy, or do I need to bring a sleeping bag?
Dude: Is that fucking Ted? Under her? In the same fucking position we left him in three hours ago?
White chick: You gotta get to know me before you find out I'm a slut.
Guy: I feel bad for her, because what if she really isn't a slut? What if she's just, you know, empowered?
Businesslady on cell: Crazy monkey sex?
Teen girl: So then his mom walks in and I swear to God he's buttnaked from like the waist down, so he grabs this pillow. And she looks over to the bed and we're all under the covers, and you can see like, half my back without my shirt on and she looks back at him with the pillow and then at all of us again and goes, "You're all naked under there, aren't you?"
Junkie girl: I was supposed to be at work at 6:30 but I fell asleep on the train so since I'm late I said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna get some McDonalds."...It's because he was trying to fuck me while I slept last night...I didn't sleep for four nights and he's trying to fuck me while I'm sleeping...He should have been happy, I gave it to him twice last night...and once each to two of his friends...You know I'm a stripper and a model too.
Guy: What do you do to top double-teaming? Fuck a corpse?
Girl: So yeah, he would go over to her house and she'd be doing two guys at once.
Suit: Yeah, we'll fuck the fucker and we'll fuck him summarily.
Girl: Yeah, and one time he asked me if we could just fuck without kissing.
Guy on cell: You know, I think I'm man enough for three women.
Dude: I'd let him fuck my sister. He's a good guy.
Dude on cell: I wanna see you. I wanna feel you, too. I wanna feel you inside me. And suck on those titties, mmm.

Hobo: Well, mathematically speaking, I'm fucked.

Hobo: I don't steal. I don't snatch purses. I don't bother women. But don't get me wrong, I'm not a homosexual. But I do bathe. And I do sleep on the subway 'cause I am a bum.
Hobo: Anybody want to take the day off and cuddle with me? It's kosher!
Hobo: I'm just tryin' to get some pussy here and all y'all gotta come up in here and bother me. Damn.
Hobo: I've been shitting plastic lately.
Hobo: Please help me...Please help me...I need money to buy popcorn...Please help me...I need a hot meal...I need money to buy popcorn.
Hobo: Uh oh, uh oh! You make a big doo-doo! It's okay. I make big doo-doos too.
Hobo: Spare a little change, girls? That's all right, God bless
you...even the Chinese girl.
Hobo: The tax man has a licence to kill. No questions asked. More people should know that.
Hobo: If you see a suspicious black package on this train do not pick it up . If you see a large, black package on my seat after I leave, do worry. It is not a bomb . I've been riding this train for fifteen years. Leave it for the Coney island clean-up crew. They'll take care of it. It is not a weapon, it is not filled with hundred dollar bills, just don't it...Did you know that Union Square is a hundred years older than Times Square?
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the interruption. I am trying to raise one million dollars and 25 cents for wine research.
Hobo: All you people who just got on the train, everybody in this car already gave me $7. Everybody gave me $7 but you.
Girl: So I saw this homeless guy walking down the street with, like, all the bags and stuff, and he had something bewtween his !
Hobo: Hey man, help an ugly dude out, will ya?
Hobo: What's the holdup? Let's get this train moving! There's people gots to go to work, gots to go to school! There's pregnant people! Court musicians!
Hobo: Yeah, a couple of Jewish lawyers out to fuck the world...Shee-it.

Man: When I told her I worked for the State of New York she seemed to
lose interest.

Mom: I will never pay for the New York Times . You remember what they did? Printing our home address and pictures of Mommy and us half nude ? I will never pay for the New York Times . Remember how Mommy got letters from convicts? Because they're the only ones who have enough time to read the entire New York Times . Mommy will never give them a dime! They're lucky I didn't sue!
Girl: Not really, all they want to do is stay in my apartment and order delivery. They're from the suburbs and don't have delivery there.
Chick: I thought this was the ghetto, but I haven't seen, like, a single black person.
Mom: Honey, this train station is very crowded. That is why they call it Grand Central Station.
Tourist chick: Oh, so this is where it to be.
Chick: wow, the down escalator is so much easier than the up one.
Crazy guy: Shit, I like the Natural History Museum. But I'd like it better if there were whores all around it.
Girl: I couldn't ever take the train into work and have to deal with all the people. The trains are dirty, crowded, and takes a long time to get anywhere. That's the beauty of living in New York; you don't have to deal with those things.
Guy: So I was down on Canal, buying some of that perfume my wife likes for Valentine's. Some of that Chanel; usually it's $45 a bottle! But I talked this guy down to $25. I got it home, but before I give it to my wife, I spray a little on my hand--and it smells exactly like roach spray!
Cop on megaphone: Attention, Fordham preppies! Go back to the suburbs!

Little girl: Mommy, how old will I be when I have sex?

Girl: I tell every nigga I meet that I have four kids, and if they still want to holla, then that's more money for me.
Man on cell: ...So now she's pregnant and doesn't know who the father of the little bastard is...Just a second, more people are getting in...Ah, what the hell, maybe the father is on this elevator too.
Lady:...and I hate seeing the little children suffering. That's the other thing I hate about winter.
Man: I used to like it when I was a child, but then I was molested.
Professor lady: Well, did you all know that Osama bin Laden was one of about 50 children? That could actually explain some things about him, you know, not getting enough attention as a child. Maybe if he had been one of three instead, we wouldn't have so many problems, ha, ha, ha!...Please don't repeat this to anyone.
Dude: For real, dog, all I'm saying is that, she want to be with me, she gots to get rid of them kids. I ain't playing with no kids.
Mom: People steal children out of this place every single day of the year.
Hippie man: You ever notice how all the kids who walk to school smoke? They are all thin and smoking, and the lazy little brats who ride the bus are chubby with their legs all over each other.
Girl: You are lucky you are not a kid, I would beat your ass.
Guy on cell: Stop calling him a nino! He got hair on his balls!

Chick: Every time Todd talks to a girl he thinks he's on a date.

Woman: Make out with your boyfriend for me this weekend.
Teen boy: Oh, I just made up such a good joke. How do you know you're dating the dumbest bitch in the world? She points to the other side of the street and says, "Why are they whispering?". But they're not whispering, you just can't hear them 'cause they're far away. Dumb fuckin' bitch.
Chick on cell: Well, what do you want to do later?...Okay...Okay, how about we watch porn, have sex, and then go to the planetarium, in that order?
Guy: There are ! My ex-wife, I put the bitch through law school, and then she tells me--and I !--, "I don't need you anymore!" I found her at our safe deposit box, trying to empty everything and take it with her! There are no normal women in this city left to date. Sorry for my language.
Drunk girl: Let me put it this way: I didn't want to be hooking up with him I was hooking up with him. I started, and then I got stuck.
Black man: ...but I remember you. You spent the night at my house
and didn't have sex.
Girl: He was really hot, wasn't he? I got his number but I'm not going to call him for at least 3 days.
Girl on cell: It was an okay date, but we just talked about our cats, and I was like, " isn't sexy."
Lady on phone: Yes, I'm having dinner with him tonight...Really?...He didn't say anything about handcuffs.
Woman: Yeah, he cooked dinner for me. I thought, "Finally a good nice sensitive guy." Until this Lolita shows up in the living room. "Hey Dad, I'm here for the weekend. Who's this?"
Guy: I can either have a dog or a girlfriend. I can't afford both.

Queer: Hey, the red is looking really good on you. That's gonna be the next color of my living room walls, like God had a nosebleed!

Guy: Take a black man home, surprise your family.
Girl: Saturday was a day from Hell. I have no recollection of Saturday, because that was the day my dad said I had to choose...between a Cherokee and a Renegade. Now, the Cherokee was white, and the Renegade was green, and they had, like, completely different features. And finally, I chose the Cherokee, and for that I blame my mom, because I think she pressured me into taking a car I didn't really want, when what I wanted was the best features of both of them in one vehicle.
Woman: My favorite color is green...because, uh...it looks like trees.
Mom: Imagine if you were black. Wouldn't you feel invisible?
Suit: So, do we have to wear bright red underwear to his birthday party again this year?
Teen girl on cell: I didn't want to take the bus because it takes forever, but I also didn't see a train coming from the black hole...
Queer: She must have been white because if she was Puerto Rican, she would have slapped me!"
Mom: You already black; just go out at night.

Girl: I feel like if your vagina is wet enough, you won't get AIDS.

Man: Fucking shit doors. Fucking shit...Fuck these doors. This is a design. A design. A design. Cunts! Yup. Cunts designed this. Yup. Cunts and no one else.
Teen girl: You know I was thinking, if you ever wanted to like take some weed on vacation, you could just like make a fake tampon and...you know where I'm going with that one.
Suit on cell: I mean, what are we gonna give him, Vagisil?
Guy: Man, I think I've licked my last cunt.
Chick on cell: A vagina joke, eh? Let's see where you're going with this.
Man: Last night I had a dream I was eating my brother's pussy.
JAP: Do you believe she goes all the way to Queens to get her crotch waxed?
Latina: This guy eats me out so much he must think my name is Meatball.
Woman: I'm going to be the oldest person to ever have a sex change on 8th Avenue...by an unprofessional!
Woman: Ew, no way. If it ain't a brand name, I don't stick it in my cooter.
Teen girl: See, this is perfect for when it's cold out and this in here is for when you finger me.

Dude: Well, the other day she said, "I want you to fuck me in the park." So we went to the park, went behind some bushes where there was a clearing and bam, bam, bam. Then I came on her face.

Suit on cell: He ain't licking my forehead. He can lick your forehead all you want, not mine.
Girl: Oh my god, I recognized that huge forehead from a mile away!
Guy on cell: So I said to him, "Okay don't put it in my mouth, put it in my face."
Indian chick: Remember when I threw cum in Greg's face? He got so pissed!
Guy on cell: Hold on one second, I'm getting exfoliated.
Guy: Fine! How about I staple my balls to your forehead?
Chick on cell: I know. I really can't believe it. She has a face like pavement.
Hipster girl: I really want a blowjob. I mean nosejob! Nosejob! I don't know where that came from!

Little boy: What's the "n word," Dad?
Dad: I'm not gonna tell you.
Little boy: Why?
Mom: It's worse than all the other words because it makes specific people feel bad.
Dad: You don't need to know it. It's one of those things you'll learn when you get older. You'll learn a lot of bad things when you get older.
You'll learn all this and more, at 7PM on Wednesday night at the store above. Please come join us as we discuss and sign our new book .

Teen boy: You know where I wanna go? The Marriott. Have you heard of it? It's in New Jersey.
Teen girl: Oh yeah, you know where I wanna go? The Poconos.
Teen boy: What's that?
Teen girl: I don't know, a hotel?

Girl: So was he, like, a player?
Guy: Who, Charlie?
Girl: No, that Genghis Khan guy.

Girl #1: It's weird you're never horny.
Girl #2: I just feel like sex is like bowling. I mean, I enjoy bowling but I'm never like, "God, I haven't bowled in long" or "It's Friday night. I have to go bowling." You know?
Girl #1: Maybe you haven't found the right bowling partner.
Girl #2: Bowling is something that really isn't improved by doing it with someone else. I've bowling but I could go the rest of my life without doing it again. I mean, I know I'll have sex again, but I could give a rat's ass. Have you ever heard anyone say "I need to bowl real bad "?

Chick: ...And she just lets him in!
Guy: And you're asleep?
Chick: I'm asleep, and he comes over, and she opens the door for him.
Guy: And she leaves?
Chick: Yeah! So we're alone, right, and he comes and, like, crawls into bed with me!
Guy: Whoa.
Chick: And I sleep naked, right?
Guy: Right.
Chick: So I'm like, what the fuck?
Guy: You should fire her as a roommate.
Chick: Naw, it sort of turned out all right.

Old woman: Have you seen Charlie?
Guy: No..he said he was gonna check himself into the hospital, and probably stay for a long time.
Old woman: Because I have some food for him...Now Patrick, have you seen Charlie? I have some food for him.
Old man: Charlie done checked hisself into the psycho ward for two months.
Old woman: I guess I gotta throw the food out then.

Girl #1: I think they should make a sequel to Death of a Salesman .
Girl #2: Are you retarded?

Woman #1: So you never finished telling me that story about whatshisname...Come over here and tell me while I dookie.
Woman #2: Uh...
Woman #1: ? Don't act like I don't tell you shit while you're on the toilet!

Man: It's Al Hirschfeld, a famous artist.
Woman: Oh yeah. You don't see a lot of his work anymore.
Man: Yeah, 'cause he's dead.

Hipster guy: Last night my girlfriend called me Caligula.
Chick: That's really scary, 'cause he was crazy and evil. Why did she call you Caligula?
Hipster guy: I don't know. I mean, I guess I could understand if she was talking about his big cock.

Guy #1: Communism is like anarchism. Everyone owns everything.
Guy #2: You dumbass, no one owns anything in anarchism.
Guy #1: So everyone's poor?
Guy #2: How are you not dead already?

Woman #1: So she told me, "I think Simon de Beauvoir was so brave for a man, to write like that." Can you believe it?
Woman #2: Oh my god.
Woman #1: How can she get a PhD without knowing who Simone de Beauvoir was?

Guy: So then why are guys from the Eastern Europe and black guys so good at basketball?
Dad: Natural selection.
Guy: What?
Dad: They've had to fight to survive. It weeds out the physically inadequate.
Guy: Give me a break. It's the ghetto, not some Hobbesian state of nature; they're not cavemen living in anarchy up there.

Woman #1: I was selling some stuff on eBay, but got scared.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Because they kept asking too many questions.
Woman #2: Who?
Woman #1: The buyers.
Woman #2: Like what?
Woman #1: They wanted to know if the Louis Vuitton bag and belt I was selling was real. It freaked me out.
Woman #2: So what happened?
Woman #1: I ended the sale, because I had two people watching me and I got scared.
Woman #2: Watching you?
Woman #1: Yeah, they can watch to see who bids and how much they bid and then they can try to make a last minute bid.
Woman #2: Okay, but why didn't you sell the stuff?
Woman #1: I was scared and this guy kept asking me to send pictures.

Guy #1: With that hat and beard you look like a Jewish rabbi.
Guy #2: Dude, it's not cool to make fun of people who Jewish.

Suit #1: So how many tombstones do we have?
Suit #2: Four.
Suit #1: All right. So we got the client, the CPA and the attorney...We gotta figure out how to get one more person involved.

Guy: What do you like, then? What do you like ?
Girl: Progressive rock.
Guy: "Progressive"? Meaning...to change with the times?
Girl: Yes, I guess as opposed to conservative rock.
Guy: There is a conservative rock?

Guy: Do you know what the word "ontological" means?
Chick: Yeah...I have seen it before...
Guy: Yeah. Me too.
Chick: Is it like an orange?
Guy: Yeah...Well, it's something weird like that.
Chick: I know what you mean.

Chick: Hi, how much are these?
Vendor hippie: Ten, or two for 18.
Chick: Oh.
Vendor hippie: Yea, on Macdougal they sell them cheaper, but they're made by Chinese kids who make one-fifty an hour. Capitalist bastards.
Chick: Oh. Are you going to be here tomorrow?
Vendor hippie: Well, tomorrow it's going to rain, and then for the next fifteen days the government is paying me to take ecstasy and play on the computer while they observe me.

Southern man: Well hon, maybe you should buy both; keep the large one and find someone to give the small one to.
Southern woman: Hmm, who do I know that needs a Statue of Liberty?

Mom: So why didn't you come to dinner?
Dad: I don't like you.

Woman #1: So I decided to celebrate turning 50 by traveling to Tibet.
Woman #2: Tibet? Where's that? London?
Woman #1: ...No, it's near China and Russia.
Woman #2: Oh. It's not like I don't like to travel but I went to Mexico once and it was stupid.

Teen guy #1: Well, I'm French.
Teen girl: I'm German.
Teen guy #2: Well, I'm from Spain so I guess we're all from Europe.
Teen guy #1: Spain isn't in Europe.
Teen girl: Dude, yes it is. Europe is like its own continent.
Teen guy #1: I was talking about Europe the country, not that little
island with England on it.

Hobo: Where the fuck is Park Avenue? What is going on ? What the fuck? Where the fuck is Park Avenue ?
Girl: If you just take a right at the next street and keep going, you'll hit it.
Hobo: I don't fucking care! If I had a gun I'd fucking shoot you! !

Girl: Forget it, I'm taking these off.
Guy: Why, baby? Let me see 'em.
Girl: No, they make my butt look like a white person's ass.
Guy: What's that?
Girl: They make my ass look flat like a white person's !
Guy: Baby, I can't hear you.

Hobo: Can you spare some change?
Girl: No sir, sorry.
Hobo: "Sir"? " "? Where you going? Fucking Buckingham Palace, Sherlock?

Tourist teen girl: I hope we see one of the Olsen twins.
Tourist mom: Oh, they were so cute on that show.
Man: Those kids were disgusting. They weren't cute. They were hideous. They should have put bags over their heads. You know who is a cute baby? Stewie Griffin. You know, from The Family Guy ? He wants to kill his mother and take over the world.
Tourist mom: Okay, thanks!

Girl #1: I just don't think I'm his type. He's very intellectual.
Girl #2: What do you mean?
Girl #1: He's all "yada yada yada" and I'm very "What's your favorite Starburst?"
Girl #1: Ha, ha, you said first was the worst.
Girl #2: No, I said, "first was the ."
Girl #1: What the heck does that mean?
Girl #2: It means...Starburst.

Drunk girl: I've never been above ground before.
Dude: Where are you going?
Drunk girl: 96th and Park.
Dude: We're in Queens right now. Queens is not where you want to be.

Woman: Hi, do you have any meatloaf?...Um, that's not meatloaf.
Store lady: It's almost the same.
Woman: Not really...Do you have any meatloaf?
Server lady: It's the same thing. It's beef. It all tastes the same.
Woman: Yeah, okay. I'll take three.

Guy: Motherfucker of God!
Chick: That would be Joseph.

Woman: I see you will be engaged by the end of the year!
Businessman lady: Great!
Woman: So can I give you a full reading?
Businessman lady: No thanks, I got a fortune cookie in my lunch.

Woman: Oh god, I hope nobody takes that out of context.
Man: Takes what out of context?
Woman: A thing I just thought.

Chick: I was in the Peace Corps down there.
Woman: Oh, I didn't know that.
Chick: Oh, sorry, not the Peace Corps; Club Med.

Black guy: Hey, man, can you tell me how to get to all those buildings over there?
Hipster guy: You mean Manhattan?
Black guy: Yeah.
Hipster guy: Um, you can't there from here...unless you can walk on water!

Guy: That the fucking bitch that called the cops on me! That fucking bitch called the cops! You! White trash! White trash! White trash!
Chick: I always knew you were a bigot.

Teen girl: I would like to. Notwithstanding, I--
Old lady: Never say "notwithstanding" in New York. Too long a word for here.
Teen girl: Why the heck...?
Old lady: Notwithstanding and two financial empires have already
collapsed! Where are you from, by the way?
Teen girl: Missoula, Montana.
Old lady: You're making my point, darling!...So, Redford says "notwithstanding"? No kidding?
Teen girl: Robert lives in Utah.

Tween girl #1: Aren't you gonna wash your hands?
Tween girl #2: I don't need to. I flush with my foot
Tween girl #1: Do you also wipe with your foot?

Girl: I've never had venison before.
Guy: Order it. You can taste Bambi. You can taste the innocence. And the fear.

Chick: Wait, people are still inside.
Professor lady: I should do a head count. 2, 4, 6...Wait, I don't know how many people we started with.

Hobo: Yo, can I get some money?
Guy: Sorry man, can't help you out.
Hobo: That's aight. Things are tough for everyone. Can you at least get me some water from your sink?
Guy: Uh, okay.
Hobo: Wait, let me find a bottle.
Guy: That's okay, I have a bottle I can give you.
He goes inside and comes back out with a bottle of water.
Hobo: Oh, thanks! Hey, wait. What, was this just sittin' around?
Guy: No, I just filled it up from my sink.
Hobo: Oh, well, I don't mean no disrespect. But you mind dumping this out and letting it run for a while? Shit just ain't cold enough.

White man: Excuse me, has anyone ever told you you look just like that rap guy?
Black guy: You mean Snoop Dogg?
White man: Yeah, him.
Black guy: Yeah, all the time.
White man: Are you related to him?
Black guy: Yeah, he's a distant cousin.
White man: Really? Wow! You must get this all the time.
Black guy: Yeah, even my girlfriend says it.
White man: Well, that must be the reason she dates you. She probably wouldn't date you if you weren't related to him.

Dude #1: I didn't brush my tongue this morning.
Dude #2: Yeah, I didn't have a cigarette.
Dude #1: No, I saw a sign that said, "Have you brushed your tongue today?"
Dude #3: No, you just have to go to the bathroom and throw up a little and then you'll be all set.

Chick #1: I took this class called History of the Universe. It sucks.
Chick #2: Sounds like, I mean, that's so intimidating...the whole
history of the universe!
Chick #3: Plus it's all about physics and astrology and stuff.

Man #1: Open the door!
Bus driver: Go to the back door!
Man #1: ...Open up!
Man #2: Let this guy on!
Man #3: Open the door!
Bus driver: Back door's broken! Ha, ha, ha!
She hits the gas pedal.

Guy: Here's to 5 inches or less!
Girl: ...I really could take that the wrong way.
Guy: I'm talking about the storm!

Guy #1: You think anyone is gonna jump us?
Guy #2: Dude...we're in the middle of a fucking blizzard. Who is gonna jump us?
Guy #1: You never know, maybe one of those snow thugs.
Man: Aw geez, it's a winter freakin' wonderland!
Guy #1: Dude, they said on TV that it was gonna snow.
Guy #2: Nah, nan. It's not snow. It's frozen sunshine!
Girl #1: You know, I've never had sex in the snow.
Girl #2: Huh. Me neither.
Man: Yeah, that's how New Yorkers prepare for a blizzard...Order delivery!
Woman: Can I borrow your snow shovel? I need to clean my car.
Man: Sure.
Woman: ...Hold on. I just realized that this isn't my car!
Guy #1: My pants are soaking wet from all the snow.
Guy #2: Dude, take them off.
He does. He is commando.
Guy #1: I'm naked on the train!

Guy #1: What do you think of when you hear the word "bathhouse"?
Guy #2: "Happy ending".
Guy #1: I think "Thursdays".

Chick: Do you know why I can't walk on this side of you on the sidewalk?
Guy: Why?
Chick: You're gonna laugh...
Guy: I'll laugh no matter what.
Chick: 'Cause this is not my side of the bed.
Guy: What?
Chick: If we were laying on my bed I wouldn't be on my side.
Guy: ? Yes you would. If we're laying on our backs this would be your side of the bed.
Chick: But I sleep on my stomach...
Guy: We're walking in the street, there is no bed!

Drunk girl #1: I met a guy last night!
Drunk girl #2: Oh yeah? Do tell.
Drunk girl #1: Well, um, it's not accurate to say that he had a Jay Leno caricature face.

Chick #1: I really think this is the way to go.
Chick #2: I told you, I'm not . They don't even know me. I don't want them to always think of me as "that lesbian girl." I said no.
Chick #1: I meant Eighth Avenue.

Hair lady: So how do you want it done?
Grandma: I want to have the same lining and density as that cute, little Chinese girl had.
Hair lady: It was a boy.

Guy #1: Nigga, where you goin'?
Guy #2: To the middle of the train. I wanna be in the middle.
Guy #1: But we're standing in the middle motherfucka.
Guy #2: No, the middle is at the end.

Conductor #1: What's going on?
Conductor #2: Some passengers found a suspicious bag.
Conductor #1: What did you do?
Conductor #2: I threw it in the garbage.

Suit: Hi, what's your vegetable special today?
Waitress: Ehm, let me check...Macaroni and cheese.
Suit: No, your vegetable.
Waitress: ... Macaroni and cheese .

Girl: You know, sometimes I just feel like breaking down and crying.
Guy: Wanna get some pizza?
Girl: Seriously, life can be so hard sometimes, I really can't take it anymore.
Guy: Have you considered suicide?
Girl: Fuck you!
Guy: Well seriously, you need to stop complaining about life or just kill yourself and get it over with.
Girl: Fuck you. I'm getting off at the next stop and going back home.
Guy: Wanna get some pizza?

Woman: Did you call Giuliani? Call in a favor?
Man: I tried, but....
Woman: After all you did for him after 9/11. What a slap in the face.

Guy: Hey, is this the train that stops at that museum?
Girl: Which museum? The art museum?
Guy: No, the other one with all the bones and dead animals.
Girl: Ew. Why would you wanna go someplace like that?

Girl: Wait, what are you doing?
Guy: Huh? What do you think?
Girl: I mean, why are you putting your credit card into this box-thing?
Guy: To...um, get money?
Girl: Money? This machine gives you money if you have a card?
Guy: Um...this is, like, an ATM.

Teen girl #1: So I was like, "Ew dude, stop, you're too small. I don't even feel nuttin'!"
Teen girl #2: Yo, he gotta be at least 10 inches for me to even consider it.

Guy #1: Did you give anything to your boyfriend for Valentine's Day?
Guy #2: No...I didn't. I date girls.
Guy #1: Oh. Really?
Guy #2: Yeah. Why would you think that I go for guys?
Guy #1: I just always thought...
Guy #2: Really? Why?
Guy #1: Well you're bald.
Guy #2: But you're bald too.
Guy #1: Yeah. Exactly.

Queer: You know who I feel really bad for? Really ugly people.

Teen girl: I'm looking for a lipstick? It's really pretty and it's in all the magazines? Do you know the one?
Guy: Yeah man, this girl was hot. It's not even questionable!
Crazy guy: Will anyone trade a quarter for fifty cents? Will anyone trade a quarter for fifty cents...You should be a model...I'm serious!
Woman: Oh my god, I what you've done with your face!
Old man: I tell you there is nothing quite so beautiful as seeing the human body used as an instrument.
Queer: Sweetie, you can't go selling yourself short and go saying that the other girls are better than you at auditions. If you want to go and say--I don't know---that they're prettier...Fine. I'd go with that.
Hobo: Hey, pretty lady...Congratulations! You're asshole of the year!

Teen girl: Now what she needs is a razor dildo.

Man: I'm gonna get a new dress for her from Goodwill.
Girl on cell: Listen to this: On Thanksgiving she gave us all copies of A Million Little Pieces . On Christmas we all got books about alcoholism.
Dude on cell: ...and he'll give her a hat, and it'll just be a big
diamond that sits on her head.
Woman: So I called to return the gnomes...You know, the ones we got for the wedding.
Girl on cell: It's like, I don't know what to buy, because it might be
for a guy or a girl. Like, I'm going to be the one that ends up with a
black double-ended dildo...No, they're gross and veiny and--Ugh, just no!
Queer: That motherfucker gave me walnuts! For Christmas! Motherfucking walnuts. At least give your secretary some lima beans or legumes, so I can throw some neck bones in 'em and make meal out of it. Fuckin' walnuts! I just sent an all-staff email to everyone and told them there were treats in the kitchen. Somebody ate 'em too.

Guy: It's good to like music. Wait, that came out really bad,

Guy on cell: Dude, the House of Pain is busy getting in a fight right now.
Irish guy: I broke my nose to this song.
Girl: I'm looking for something, um, lyrical.
Girl: You should have seen the other guy I almost hooked up instead
of the model...Total deranged farmer, looked just like Kid Rock!
Guy: I want to live with a group of singing nuns. They'll go about singing how I'm difficult but they love me anyway. And Mother Superior will have a great range and a vibrato like no other.
Professor guy: Willie Nelson smokes pot like a rastafarian, by the way.
Drunk guy: Sing us a song you're the rich motherfucker! Sing us a song tonight!

Hipster guy: Well, Hitler was right, there is a lot of parking in New York.

Tourist guy: Where are the trains?
Man on cell: Yeah, they're all listening to my conversation, this guy just helped me out, he told me where we are. This is awful, I shouldn't be talking on the bus...Because you don't. You don't talk on the phone on the bus.
Man on cell: No, we're probably going to go to the Rocket Feller Center.
Girl: Oh god, sorry. That wasn't a very New Yorkian thing to say, was it?
Woman: New Yorkers are so tall and robust because of all the roach parts they eat.
Hobo: Smile, New York. It won't mess up your hair.
Dad: Wow, this is just like Great Adventure. Where are all the rollercoasters?
Girl on cell: Yeah, no, I didn't get called back. I'm in Grand Central
right now, and there is this guy on the floor and he's totally bleeding all over the place. I gotta go. I want falafel and I'm broke as shit. I love you, Mom.
Chick on cell: So I'm on Canal Street right now. Yeah, I think that's near Chinatown.
B&T girl: They only gave the new trains to the 6 line because it doesn't go to Harlem. They aren't going to give people new trains.
Dad: I see it all the time. People are always falling over on the subways and buses and I just laugh and laugh.
Woman: Bagel fumes are a siren song if ever there was one.

Lady: I was fighting with this guy and his dog was in the room; that dog bit me.

British guy: She said I looked like Tony the Tiger! !
Old man: Lady, honestly I just don't give a shit about those fuckin' elephants. But that guy, he's about to bite into an elephant's cock!
Guy: Elephant picks up a lion and throws him. Lions ain't shit! Elephants! Dinosaurs!
Woman: No, well, she's half Maltese and half Labrador. I call her a matador...You know, to make fun of all those doodle breeds.
Girl on cell: Oh my gosh, I just saw a fight with the security guard and the guy with the big dog! You know what his dog looks like?...His dog looks like a camel. It just hangs...Yes, a camel.
Crazy guy: When they find me dead from diabetes, it'll be worth it 'cause I'll die happy! No, they won't find my body because my dog will eat me.
Little boy: Mom, I think bats eat rats.
Girl: Stop that, you sound like a goat!
Dog Show woman: Fifi didn't like ours, so we made them switch it! The second we walked in, she turned away, and I knew she wasn't having it! Isn't that right, darling?
Guy: That's not a dog, that's a pillow on wheels. Ha, ha, ha! Wait a minute. I mean that's a pillow on legs. Not wheels. Dogs don't have wheels.

Professor guy: I was going to give you all a quiz today. But then I realized that it was Valentine's Day. You're supposed to do something for the people you love on Valentine's Day. And of course, I love all of you very much. So...I decided to give you the quiz on pink paper instead!

Girl: Don't worry, it's cool to be smart these days. I'm not gonna like drag you down the stairs and beat you up.
Guy: My brother's pissed. He's in his second year of residency and he's already slept with all of the medical students.
Lady: I'll talk to you later...Yeah, I'm going home to smoke a J and
grade.
Suit: I am the best metaphor person ever. "It's like a this." "It's like a that." I'm so good at that stuff.
Old man: You ain't got no brain. What's the square root of 169 times 2? It's 13! You don't know 'cause you ain't got no brain!
Dude: Yeah, I really wanted to apply to study abroad in London, but my British accent !
Tween boy: Naw, man! I gotta go learn my education!

Dude on cell: I was up until 5AM having a really pointless discussion about apathy.

Businessman lady: I wish I could get paid to sit in a hole in the ground and smoke cigarettes.
Guy: Dude, all I want to do is play tennis and see my analyst.
Guy: Being on time is wack.
Guy: Things are different there. You don't really know exactly when you're going to graduate or anything. Like, you could show up for a final exam and the professor isn't there...And then, it could be six more months before you actually get your diploma. It's so totally laid-back there!
Woman: I don't want to go to work tomorrow. It's not that I don't like it, it's just too time-consuming.
Man: Hey, can I get this mail? And pay for my box? I drink a lot and today's my sober day; I want to get all my errands done.
JAP: Well, he was old. I don't think he was attractive, but I couldn't tell because I was tired.

 Daily News guy: Osama Bin Laden in New York! Let's get him! Saddam Hussein has escaped!
 AM New York guy: ! ! Feel free to snatch two, one for the trash and one for your co-worker.
 guy: Get your New York Sun ! I hear it's better than pot, man.
 AM New York guy: Motherfuckers, you betta check this shit out! Free paper, AM New York !
 AM New York guy: Get your free newspaper! Why buy one when you are going to throw it away? The great thing about this is that it is free... Take one .
 AM New York guy: AM New York ! The free paper that covers New York like your security blanket!

Chick: So then this huge fat lady with really bad teeth said, "This is the most fabulous party I've ever been to," so I left.

Hobo: You are a princess. You are beautiful, woman. You are a beautiful princess. I always tell you that, don't I? I always tell you that. You will always be a princess. You will always be beautiful. Unless you get fat, then you won't be.
Chick on cell: Great, now I'm the fat sister!
Guy: You are so fat...Can I, like, ride your fat rolls?
Guy: I can't be a part of a couple that weighs over 300 pounds.

Teen girl: I asked George what his cousin looked like. He said, "He looks like me but with hazel eyes." How the hell am I supposed to know what he looks like? I don't know no one with hazel eyes.

Man: I know I seen you before. Listen to me, I know I have. I recognize you somehow. I know what it is: it's your fuckin' eyes!
Woman: I can't date him because he has that red thing in his eye.
Guy on cell: So he was buying fish? You gave him the evil eye?
Vendor guy: Here, take one. Just give it a listen. Listening's the new reading...You don't even have to use your eyes!
Professor guy: And this is a cross section of the human eye. If you don't like that, we can have the Star of David section of the human eye.

Girl: I think my mom's a virgin.

Girl on cell: We'll have sex the 78th Tuesday after Tuesday. Mark your calendar.
Girl: You're the sluttiest virgin I know.
Woman: ...So he took her virginity. Behind the, you know, the cannoli counter. She was sixteen.
Guy: He fucked 3 virgins in one day...True story.
Woman: Do not name that child Lester if you ever want him to lose his virginity!

Guy #1: I wake up at a quarter to 5 every day.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: I get up to pee.
Guy #2: Every day?
Guy #1: It's that, or I go in bed.

Woman: I'll give you one up the butt if you let me be a stay at home mom.
Man: Once for every year you stay home.
Woman: Once per child.
Man: Once for every two years, or I'll be the stay at home.
Woman: Fine.

Girl #1: Is that a real fur coat?
Girl #2: Yes, oh my god and this woman started yelling at me this morning. I was like, "Please don't throw blood on me or something. I don't hate animals; I have a dog!"
Man: Not around your neck.

Chick #1: Do you have a book called White Supremacy by Fredrickson?
Store guy: No.
Chick #1: Can you see if any other Barnes & Noble has it?
Store guy: No, none in Manhattan. I take it it's for a class or something?
Chick #1: No, it's for my own, uh, personal knowledge. Thanks anyway.
Store guy: Sure.
Chick #2: I need a book of art or photographs by crazy people.
Next Wednesday, 2/22, the Overheard staff--both of us--will be reading and signing the new Overheard in New York book at the above location. It starts at 7.

Girl #1: Guess who my dad saw in an elevator yesterday ? Johnny Carson.
Girl #2: I'm pretty sure he's dead. Don't you mean Johnny ?

Guy: Yeah, can I get a poppy seed bagel to go?
Counter guy: You want anything on that?
Guy: Uh...poppy seeds.

Man: Miss! You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your hair! Are you interested in modeling?
Chick: Uh--
Man: I love the way you walk. Imagine! Down a runway!
Chick: It's because my heel is broken, you fuckhead.

Guy #1: I can't believe I kissed both of them.
Guy #2: I kissed both of them too.
Guy #1: ...That means I, like, kissed you...
Guy #2: ...I don't even want to talk about this.

Girl #1: So then he kissed me, and it was really awkward, because I don't want to get involved with that train wreck.
Girl #2: So what did you do?
Girl #1: Told him that I really liked him, but I was seeing someone else exclusively.
Girl #2: You are? And you do ?
Girl #1: No, but being in awkward social situations makes me a compulsive liar.
Girl #2: Isn't that also your excuse for drinking too much?
Girl #1: That's really not fair to say.
Girl #2: So what did you do after that?
Girl #1: We did some vodka shots, and then I passed out on the subway and ended up in Brooklyn.
Girl #2: Good job.

Old woman: You still don't have any Halloween candy, huh?
Old man: Valentine's Day. It's Valentine's Day candy! Why do you keep calling it Halloween ?

Chick: You have no idea how much less anxiety I have now that I know I don't have to worry about leaving the country...not that they are kicking me out, but you know that I can leave and come back and it's not an issue...This just makes me so excited! When I get excited I start to twitch, I apologize, but it's a good thing! You get me excited! Not in that way, I mean, you're my professor, and female, but not to say you aren't good looking...
Professor: Um, okay, so let's pretend I was deaf for that last 30 seconds and I'll see you on Friday.
Girl: I guess I'll be taking my vibrator out for Valentine's.

Woman: Last month I thought I was in love with you. Now I realize I'm stupid.
Man: Stupid in love?
Woman: No. Just stupid.

Drunk girl #1: Oh god! You were flirting with him.
Drunk girl #2: No! I was kicking his ass.
Woman: Excuse me!
Guy: Jesus Christ...
Woman: I said, "Excuse me"! I said, "Excuse me"! You could have tried to move! I didn't try to step on you! I said, "Excuse me"! Don't you think that when someone says "excuse me" that might have a disability? I said, "Excuse me"! I said, "Excuse me"! Just because I bumped into you doesn't mean I want to have intercourse with you! You're going to try and have intervourse with me, I'm going to tell the police!
Guy: Hey wait, let me get your number, so we can have intercourse.
Girl #1: You just get crushes on everybody, don't you?
Girl #2: Not really, just on hot people.
Guy: What did he say after you told him we hooked up last night?
Girl: I said I was still in love with you and broke up with him before he could say anything. Did you tell your girlfriend yet?
Guy: Ha, ha! What do you think, I'm nuts?
Guy: Yo...if I had to choose between VD and a girlfriend...I'd choose VD.
Guy #1: Valentine's Day is so stupid. I'm going to boycott it, 'cause it's so commercialized.
Guy #2: Yeah...and also you don't have any girlfriends.
Hobo: Hey you! Do I know you? No...you look like a scarecrow standing there! Yeah, it's your smile, it reminded me. But I've gotta find me a real man. Gotta find him before Valentine's Day.
Teen girl on cell: So I totally did it and it didn't taste bad until
the end...Yes he did, but next time I won't let him...It sucks, 'cause I spit it all over my shirt...Ha, ha. Yes, well, he better call me back. Yeah, it's my stop. Okay, talk to you later.
Guy: ...So, can I get your number?
Girl #1: I hate Valentine's Day. It's so stupid.
Girl #2: I'll buy you flowers.
Girl #1: I just wanna have sex.
Girl #2: That's what I meant, I'll go down on you.
Chick #1: So anyway, Happy Valentine's Day!
Chick #2: Yay, right, I know.
Chick #1: Well eat a lot of pussy for me!

Guy: Dad, you had to see this broad; she must have been 200 to 250.
Dad: Like you're some prize. You are 40, divorced, have 3 kids and live at home with your parents.

Yuppie chick #1: Sarah D. Roosevelt Park! Remember when we bought crack there?
Yuppie chick #2: We didn't even buy crack. We just smoked it.

Hobo: Can you help me get something to eat?
Guy: Yeah, I got a slingshot in my bag. You prefer pigeon, rat, or squirrel?

Girl: Excuse me, which of these trains goes to Manhattan?
Suit: Shut up.
Southern woman: Oh! Are you a performer?
Chick: Yes, I'm studying acting and musical theater.
Southern woman: Wow! That's so amazing! Maybe we'll see you on Broadway one of these days! Good luck!
Chick: Thanks!
She leaves the train.
Southern woman: Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha!
Old man: Is that a theater?
Old woman: No, it's a McDonalds.

Hobo: Hey, man. I got your back.
Guy: Got my back on what?
Hobo: I saw you park your car.
Guy: What are you, a fucking valet?
Hobo: Listen, man. You got some change? I just wanna buy me a beer. I ain't gonna lie to you...Today's my birfday!

Dude: Does that come with a meal?
Pasta guy: It is a meal.

Old man: You think Hillary Clinton could be president? You're out
of your mind. Hillary Clinton couldn't get arrested in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties. She's ugly, she's stupid and she has a big fat ass. She's like a Hitler in female. All right, I'll stop now and be a gentleman.
Guy: Okay.
Old man: Any Democrat on this train who thinks Hillary Clinton could be president is masturbating in their mind. All one hundred of them.
Guy: You have a nice night.

Woman #1: This train goes really fast!
Woman #2: They don't run it as often, I think because they're afraid people might jump in front of it.
Woman #1: Oh my god! Who could be that depressed? Take some pills, for Christ's sake.
Woman #2: I'm surprised it's such a problem here, I mean, duh, you got all these tall buildings.
Woman #1: Well, any building--
Woman #2: No, you gotta go up at least 17 stories to be sure, otherwise you just end up in a wheelchair which is, duh, super-depressing.
Woman #1: 17 stories!
Woman #2: Maybe 15 for you, you weigh more than me.

Guy: Here you go, brother.
Hobo: Thanks. Hey, are you the guy who asked me for a remix?

Guy: Haven't seen you in a while.
Barber: Yeah, I was having a problem with my tonsils. I was sick
for about 3 weeks.
Guy: You gonna have them out?
Barber: Probably. I should, but I'm chicken. But I probably gotta.
Guy: I got this friend who went to the doctor, right? And the doctor said he hadda go get a colonoscopy. You shoulda seen his face! He didn't go.
Barber: You gotta do it, though, before things get worse.
Guy: Yeah, I think his colon did get worse.

Girl: Hey, where's my bag? Why hasn't my bag come through the machine? My other one did; did you have to rescan it or something?
TSA guy: Oh, don't worry. that's because we're keeping it in a 350 degree oven to get it warm and fluffy and then we're going to toast it to a nice golden brown.
Girl: What?

Girl #1: I mean, she wears an external catheter at her desk!
Girl #2: We should start wearing external catheters, too, since she doesn't give us bathroom breaks.
Girl #1: And tell her when we're going to the bathroom.

Teen girl #1: I like him cause he's tough, but he ain't thug.
Teen girl #2: Oh, he's thug. He got that tattoo, he wears his pants all baggy and he got that great big coat.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he got that tattoo, but them other things...he just short.

Ghetto chick: What the fuck is with all the cops at this station?
Punk chick: I don't know.
Ghetto chick: I mean I'm fuckin' one and all but damn, I still don't like them.

Guy #1: What, you got a problem with me cursing?
Guy #2: Nah, nah, it's just that, you know, sayin' "holy fuck" is like talkin 'bout Jesus's mom fuckin' his dad and it's not cool to talk about Jesus's mom fuckin' people.
Guy #1: Dumbass, Jesus's mom didn't fuck anyone. She was a fuckin' virgin. How do I know this and you don't? You're the Christian.
Guy #2: What are you talkin' 'bout? How could Jesus have been born if his mom hadn't screwed his dad? Wait, who was Jesus's dad again?
Guy #1: Dude, are you serious?

Chick #1: NYU is taking over the city. Soon they're gonna have to
start calling it "New York" City.
Chick #2: It's already called New York City!

Teen boy #1: I want to get a soda but my dollar bill is ripped.
Teen boy #2: Nah chief, it's okay; you didn't rip the bar code.

The train has been sitting with its doors open.
Conductor: PA system test.
A dude leans out the door and yells to the conductor.
Dude: It's working, now can we get a fucking move on?
Conductor: Everyone, it's going to be a few more minutes while that guy thinks about what he's said.

Little girl: Mommy, what's this?
Mom: Japanese art. You know, like in .

Black chick: What'd bring me to? Once you seen Queen Latifah you don't need to see this shit.
Black guy: I'm tryin' to fill you with some culture.
Black chick: Why don't you fill my closet with Prada?

McGirl: Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?
Man: No thanks, I'm not hungry.

Teen guy: Everyone's out to get me; that guy just gave me the dirtiest look.
Teen girl: You retard, that guy was blind.

Woman: Excuse me, can you recommend anything from the menu?
Waiter guy: No.

Girl: It's not that it's small, it's just...not that big.
Guy: I wish we could stop talking about this now.
Girl: ...Maybe you could just stop shaving.

Teen girl #1: So, my boyfriend told me that if I didn't have sex with him, he'd break up with me. So I did, but then he broke up with me anyway. I don't understand!
Teen girl #2: Well, maybe you were really bad at it.

Waitress: Would you care for anything to drink?
British woman: What would you like to drink?
Latina mother-in-law: Whatever you're having.
British woman: I'm having a glass of poison, would you like a glass of poison?
Latina mother-in-law: Mm-hmm.
British woman: Are you you want a glass of poison?
She nods.
British woman: We'll have two gin and tonics.

Drunk guy: I'm dunzo like the girl Kristin from Laguna Beach ...I'm drunk like I'm on The Real World .
Sober guy: Yo, don't throw up in the elevator, man. You should go throw up on that girl's door that we hate.

Little boy: Mom? Can I have this gum? I haven't had this in !
Mom: "Years"? You're only 5!

Guy #1: Hey, answer me seriously, what would you do if one day I killed our neighbor?
Guy #2: I would turn into a giant penis and spray semen all over the city.

Woman #1: Wow, everyone is wearing their iPod. I only wear mine to the gym.
Woman #2: Well, if you have a commute, it is good to take it with you.
Woman #1: Really, so it works underground?
Woman #2: Yea, it even works when you are wearing green.
Woman #1: Fuck you.

Man #1: Yo, your girl is huge.
Man #2: I like big ladies; more to love.
Man #1: But damn, she's all, "Baby, give me more macaroni and cheese. Ooh yeah baby, put more cheese on top." That's sick, man.
Man #2: Yeah, but she knows how do to her thing, you know?
Man #1: Fuck that. She can't even get through a sentence without running out of breath. Coughing and wheezing, sweat running down her face.
Man #2: What do you want me to do?
Man #1: Give her a fucking carrot or something! Shit.

Drunk guy: Well, here we are.
Drunk girl: This isn't my station.
Drunk guy: I was following you!
Drunk girl: Well, there's a reason I asked you to walk me to the subway.
Drunk guy: Wow, the blind leading the blind.
Drunk girl: More like the oblivious leading the retarded.

Hobo: Where are you going?
Drunk guy: Bermuda. I'm connecting to the plane.
Drunk guy: Is that your cousin?
Hobo: Yeah!
Drunk guy: He didn't even say nothing to you. That's fucked up!
Hobo: My name is Peter. Peter Parker. I'm Spider-Man's father.
The hobo shows the drunk guy his bottle. The drunk guy takes out a can of beer and a bottle of whiskey
Drunk guy: So what? You trying to beat me? You started a competition and I beat you. I came prepared.

Guy #1: Is she blind or something?
Guy #2: No, she's Christian.
Guy #1: Oh...Same thing I guess.

Woman #1: So I told him, "Nigga, you can't touch none of this!"
Woman #2: Ha, ha. Girl, what you need is a horse dick!

Old man: I don't like to see musicals about awful historical events, like the French Revolution. Or the Holocaust.
Guy: Or spelling bees?
Old man: No, that one was pretty good.

Teen boy #1: Yo, pussy!
Teen boy #2: You just called me a pussy?
Teen boy #1: You are what you eat!

Girl: I was walking and there was a group of Dominicans talking on the corner and the only reason I understood what they were saying was because I've been listening to a lot of reggaeton.
Guy: They must've been talking about fucking someone.

Woman #1: It was so funny. I mean I was talking to the horse in English, and the horse didn't understand a fucking word I said.
Woman #2: It was a Spanish horse.
Woman #1: Even their dogs, they didn't understand English. I don't get that.

Girl #1: Oh my god, I totally shoudn't be out tonight. I totally look like I just had an abortion.
Girl #2: You look fine and you had an abortion like a month ago.

Guy #1: So are you go to Ian's birthday dinner later?
Guy #2: Well, I've been trying to only eat one meal a day this past month, and I already ate one...so probably not.

Girl #1: There are like, so many orthodox Jews at the law school. Why would they come to a Jesuit school if they're orthodox Jews?
Girl #2: Well, it's not like everyone else is Catholic.
Girl #1: But Jews are like the opposite of Catholics, they're, like, not even close.
Girl #2: You're a slut; that's not very Catholic.

Dad: Don't wipe your hands on me! What's wrong with you? Megan's father only got 25 years after she went missing! And it's not like I'm in a rush to get home to your mother!
Little boy: What?
Dad: ...That was a messed-up thing to say, wasn't it?!
Dad: You see that? Isn't that beautiful?
Little boy: No. It's stupid.
Dad: Huh? Come here, sit down. Don't ever say something like that, okay? You know what happens when you say that's stupid?
He slaps him lightly on the wrists.
Dad: You don't want , do you? Go look at it again and tell me what you see...Well, what do you see?...Is it beautiful?
Little boy: Yeah.
Dad: Okay.

Crazy guy: Slow down!
Bus driver: I'm stopped at a light; I can't get much slower.

Chick #1: The ceremony is so long. They should just throw the diplomas off the stage into the audience.
Chick #2: Yeah, and if you don't catch one, sorry, you don't graduate.
Chick #1: So then the football team will actually graduate.
Chick #2: The receivers, anyway.

Queer #1: What would happen if I suddenly went deaf?
Queer #2: You? It would take you a while to notice.

Tourist man: Honey, there's something stuck on your pants...Honey, it's toilet paper!
Tourist woman: But, it can't be; I haven't gone to the bathroom in .

Teen girl #1: Damn, I'm so glad I went out with you and not your
brother.
Teen girl #2: Aw baby, me too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, you have like three times the personality and
ten times the looks.
Teen girl #2: Oh yeah, I know!

Guy #1: Hey man, you got an extra cigarette?
Guy #2: This is my last one.
Guy #1: Then why can I see the pack sitting in your pocket? Fucking asshole! Fucking dirty selfish asshole.

Girl: Oh my god , I have to tell you something but you cannot, absolutely tell anybody else! You swear ?
Queer: Oh my god, yes. I promise it's just between you, my psychic and my shrink!

Crazy guy: Do you see what I put up with? That's it, it's . We have not had sex in ten years . She says she don't need it...Then I have to sleep with nigger whores. That's right, Joan, I said it. I sleep with nigger whores , even some white whores. That's the only way I can get off now.

Girl: You sleep with everyone. You're such a nice person!
Woman: I mean, my mother wasn't inattentive. She made great meals. She would cook these huge meals and my friends would all tell me how incredible these meals were that she cooked. She cooked these great meals and then at night she'd blow every guy in town.
Teen girl: Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. Screw me three times, I'm a whore.
Chick: I put the "ho" in "tough road to hoe"!
Girl on phone: Yeah...So like a male prostitute hitting on you is like...the Tribeca or something.
Girl on cell: Happy Hump Day! I hope it's as fantastic as doing a line off a hooker's back.
Guy: I didn't pay her for the sex; I paid her to leave afterwards.
Little boy: A pimp is a very lucky man!
Woman: What's the difference between you and a prostitute?

Suit on cell: Hey, yeah...Yeah, I just got back from 100 Centre Street. Yeah, Georgie Boy was drooling over counselor's dick...You know, Georgie Boy: Boy George...That's right, on his knees drooling over counselor's dick. Moron lives on Mulberry, right around the corner from 100 Centre Street. They found like six bags of blow, says lots of people stay there, not his, whatever. But he's shitting in his diaper...What?...Yeah, just six bags, whatever. But he's drooling over counselor's dick. I told him, "Don't worry Georgie Boy"--we only call him "Georgie Boy"--I told him, "Don't worry, you have a Jewish lawyer." Do you really want to blow me ?...Huh? What?...No!

Chick: So, basically, I need you to get in trouble and go to jail or something.
Cop on cell: Honey, I am going to be late. I am stuck at a crime scene.
Girl: So I had to go testify in that court thing, I just told them I saw him there, I don't like the guy, and I mean, I don't think perjury should be a crime. Like, who cares if you tell a little lie?
Teen boy: You cheated, nigga; drank Red Bull. That shit gives you wings. You was like flyin'.
Suit: There is a very fine line between stalking and making things happen.
Cop: Uh, now I've gotta go fight crime.
Chick: The churro guy is not the most honest person in the world.
Girl: Guys just lie and lie. They put their penis in and then they lie.
Cop on megaphone: If you make me come up that hill I'll be really mad !
Jury Duty guy: You people are the only thing standing between
civilization and utter chaos.

Old lady: Where's the yellow incense for the dead people?

Hobo: Can someone help me get something to eat? Can someone give me some money so I can get something to eat? I'll take anything. Anything...that you would willingly kill for.
Tween girl: Hey Daddy, wouldn't it be funny if I choked on a piece of
foil and I fell out the window and I drowned and I died and a shark came and an octopus and a duck and I died?
Dude on cell: was ?...No, it wasn't...Did you just kill a ?
Hipster girl: She was in the fucking wrong, dead uncle or no dead uncle.
Guy: You know what, B? There is nothing hotter than a 5 foot tall girl with a machine gun. It's so hot when you know that she is there right beside you, just ready to blast someone away. I fucking hate civilian life...How much longer to Brooklyn? I gotta buy a car , B.
Guy on cell: No, Grandma. No, shut up ! Grandma, I'm going to fucking kill you !
Dude: I'm telling you, if I go back and get like six of these crates every night, I'll be able to make a killer fort !
Lady: Thank you for offering me your seat, it was very kind of you. For all you knew I could've had a gun on me.
Man on cell: Holy shit, motherfucker...Holy shit...This all happened today? So you got evicted...And your shit is out on the street...And then Margalit left you? Okay... Your mom died ?

Man: Yo, the other day I see the F arriving as I'm coming down the stairs so I run in, just making it in on time. I hold the door for this girl behind me but I slipped and her head got caught in the
closing door. She turned her head like The Exorcist and just looked at me for a second and then starting screaming. And then other people started screaming while I tried to open the doors again. The conductor finally opened up the doors and she stepped in...and stood right next to me...and stared at me until Roosevelt Island. I just got out there and waited for the next train.

Guy on cell: You need to go to a doctor! And you need to bring your wife! Because there are two assholes between the two of you!
Woman on cell: April Fool's motherfucker, I ain't knocked up, April Fool's, but I still gotta get that blood test.
Guy: I can't believe you don't smoke the end. It's where all the cancer is. Without cancer, what's the point?
Girl: I've felt so weird today. You know when you're fifteen and really hungry? That's how I feel.
Old man: Well, I mean, it's just your scrotum being stapled; it's not like it's actually going to go through your testicle.
Girl on cell: I was freaking out on the floor...drooling...and hissing...
Suit on cell: They were able to delay the surgery two days by shoving the intestines back through the hole...That's good news!
Italian lady: ...and I didn't know if it was my stomach or my appendicitis.
White guy on cell: What happened to him?... ?...He got arrested?...At the same ?...Damn, where that nigga at?
Suit on cell: Yeah, I was about to smoke this joint, but I've got a piss test in 26 minutes.
Guy: Do you think it would hurt to jump out the window?
Doorman: I'm gonna come back and give everybody a cold!
Guy: Nigga hit me with a Buick... on purpose ! When I had a mini-frigerator in my hands, so you can imagine...
Guy: Don't you ever wonder why the organs in your lungs don't come out when you breathe?
Guy: ...And I dropped a 25 pound weight on my baby toe! My baby toe! It was mad red and shit, it hurt. But I couldn't act like it hurt when I was at the gym--you know.
Man: Oh yeah, he's a really nice guy. He's on dialysis.
Guy: He told me sometimes he falls over when he goes to itch himself.
Guy on cell: I'm not that worried. I mean like Magic Johnson has had it for like 15 years and he's fine.
Woman on cell: Don't you know how to do CPR? Cardio...pul-something.
You know the thing to keep people from breathing?
Guy: The dentist is afraid I'm going to season his chair. Not really
season... It's not like I'm going to sprinkle parsley on it.
Dude: Wait, so his brain surgery scar is on his ?

Yale guy on cell: Oh, you'll like this. So, I hooked up with this girl this weekend, and got a handjob from her...But, the thing is, she had one hand...No, she had an arm, just no hand. And she gave me a handjob. With the other one...I started laughing when she started giving me a handjob, because, well...Yeah. The irony of the whole thing...Yeah, but she was real hot...Huge boobs...I think I'm gonna try and hook up with her again and see if she'll rub my balls...Yeah, man, with the other one...The other...Yeah.

Suit: No. If you were 40 and you had only slept with five people, I wouldn't marry you...Unless it was, like, five 5 year relationships.
Girl: You fucked Cookie Monster ?
Chick: This is the last time I marry an ambassador!
Random Girl to her friend: This place is like online dating for losers.
Queer: I got so much shit for hooking up with Bud Lite.
Teen boy: I think that guy I made out with the other night is a pedophile.
Guy on cell: Baby, you know I'm passin' up thousands of bitches to be wit' you...and you know that's the truth!
Dude: This place will be filled with single girls, but they're all socially retarded.
Suit on cell: I know you had sex with Mickey Mouse, but leave the dog alone!
White guy:: I wanna call her hunchback and fuck her all at the same time.
Old lady: It's not the egg rolls, Harry, it's the ten years.
Chick: So do you like this husband better than the last one?
Chick: Wow, I've never been out with a real war criminal before.

Matt Dillon: This theatre has awful feng shui.

Girl: This is just like , only without all the AIDS!
Vendor guy: That's a good book, Postcards From the Edge . Yeah, Carrie Fisher is a beautiful writer, but I was in rehab with her for a couple days: total bitch!
Tourist guy: I hope they have tickets for Miss Saigon or King and I .
Guy: Luke Skywalker was the good guy, and Darth Vader was the bad guy. But Harrison Ford's character, he was just in it for the ride. He was an adventurer. So he's the only one with complex motivations.
Military guy: Have you heard of that movie about the insane military academy? Well, it's . .
Girl: Cool Hand Luke was totally Christian Slater's favorite movie in .
Man: But what if it has Brad's cheekbones and Angelina's lips?
Asian guy: Hey wasn't your mom in The Da Vinci Code ?
Teen boy: I threw up on Meryl Streep's daughter.
Asian guy: It's an ancient tradition: every Chinese New Year Bruce Lee fights Chuck Norris for good luck.

Vendor guy: I got so much dirt under my nails, you'd think I was a crackhead.

Guy: Money is so dirty, and yet I don't feel dirty when I touch it; I feel happy!
Guy: Yeah, they already gave us the pep talk about not trashing the hotel rooms.
Girl: It kinda tasted like dirty sock water...But you know, I liked it.
Tourist girl: So did I mention that I'm taking came-on-my-chest boy to the winter formal next week?
Girl: You've been with nothin' but dirty bitches !
Thug guy: You know what I really liked about her, yo? She was clean, dog. Mad clean.
Dad: Girls, don't lick the pole. It's gross.
Girl: We were naked. And then we started showering, and I didn't know what was going on.
Suit: I need a shower like my mother needs an enema.
Driver guy on cell: Whaddo I have, fuckin' dingleberries on my tongue?

Crazy guy: It's the anniversary of the blue angora sweater!

Guy: Yeah, those SS uniforms were swank, really well-cut. Powerful, not like the fruity shit that the rest of the Nazis wore.
Guy: Eh, he's a designer for Reebok. I would've fucked him if he was a designer for Adidas.
Guy: Dude, I'm wearing pink. You're wearing purple. They're going to think we're chuggers.
Guy: I just went, "Oh no! Where'd the rest of my pants go?" Because I I was wearing shorts!
Dad: Hey. Hey! Check it out. FCUK...It spells "fuck" backwards!
Hipster guy: So, this interview's gonna be all about Timmy's new sparkly belt?
Guy: Well, I'm kind of an itinerant tuxedo salesman.
Woman: I just got these new boots They're amazing. They're brown and leather and they've got a heel, and that's okay because I feel like I could walk across Middle Earth in them.

Crazy guy: Pawns and shields. Pawns and shields and a meal ticket. That's all kids are good for.

Crazy guy: You got to take shit to the extreme if you want to be into radicalism. Radicals will fuck anything and any duck. Radicalism and gangsterism is two different things. 'Cause you from the hood does not make you a gangster. I know some soft punks grew up in the hood. They afraid to deal with issues in their personal lives.
Crazy codger: These are the pills they give me at the doctor's. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness! They turn my blood to stone. I have need other blood to make up for it... Kangaroo blood ! And elephant blood. Kangaroo blood and elephant blood. Oh, I'm telling you. How long do I have to wait to open an account?
Crazy guy: I'm not your brother, and your skin's an ugly color!
Crazy guy: I'm asking you to be a gentleman, not Prince Charles!
Crazy guy: The whole world's on fire, man! I seen Johnnie Cochran and Quincy Jones riding the Cyclone at Coney Island, man. Fire!
Crazy guy: Don't fuck with the Mayflower, people! When will you learn?

Guy: ...and they'd been trying to get pregnant for a while. Like two years. And I just, I thought she had so much anxiety and that wasn't the right atmosphere to conceive. And so, I wrote them a song called "There's a Baby on the Way" and a few months later the whole family was together and they announced they were pregnant. And I told them that I'd written a song "There's a Baby on the Way" and that I'd written it June 10th. And she's like, " 's the day we found out." And my friends in LA, they'd been trying and I played them the song and sure enough...

Chick: All he does is spend time with his wife and baby. I mean, who would want to live like that?
UES woman: So you're pregnant and you don't know if it's the father, son or son-in-law. Such a bad situation she's in.
Guy on cell: I gotta buy my baby a crib...I mean a crib!
Man: Yeah, I love babies because they drink less and get wasted faster.
Girl on cell: Aw, Boo-Boo, did I wake you up from your nappy? Well call me later so we can go out, it's still early.
Black woman: I told her she had to stop using a babysitter when he started whistling when he was 6 months old. He was whistling! You know, like when you're blowing on a bottle? I was like, he's possessed or some shit! You can't leave him with other people.

Hipster guy: Two black guys fucking two white bitches on Martin Luther King day. That shit's trippy. I bet that was what that whole " I have a dream " shit was really about. The right to fuck white bitches.

Scalper guy: Man, she gon' dump yo' white ass because you never take her anywhere; all you do is play that goddamn violin!
Guy on cell: No, I have the abs already, I just need to get a tan first. I don't want to scare people.
Chick: Yeah, but he wasn't really white, he was Russian.
Bike guy: Hey, vanilla and chocolate...Mmm, makes caramel!
Dude: Yeah, he was holding onto that so tight his knuckles were turning white...And he's black, so I mean, that's be a tight grip for his knuckles to turn white...
Guyy: The name's Graham, like the cracker.
Bag lady: I am a 15 year old girl who collects cans. , go to Lord & Taylor, get a job, go to school and make something of yourself. Quit following me !

Teen girl: ...You they didn't have guns back then...But if they did, Jesus would have shot them niggas.

Cabbie on cell: America is too nice for Muslim people. That is why they will suffer.
Guy: Oh, what a pity. Now you won't get to hear the Bible taught to you by some atheist...left-wing...nutjob.
Woman on cell: My brother tells me that you love the baby Jesus. I love the baby Jesus.
Lady: He's Catholic. They can't lie. Lying's a sin.
Guy: Yeah, and you know what Allah spelled backwards is: !
Guy: Congratulations on your...what do you call it? "Baptism"?
Hobo: Can you help me out? Can you help me out? See God, they turn their back on me. Fuck them!
Drunk guy: Muslims are worse than downloading shit from the fuckin' internet.
Girl on cell: He carries around a fucking Bible in his bag! And when he isn't, you know, reading his Bible, he's talking about how he likes to stick his tongue in girls' assholes!

Girl: So wait, it's garlic that you use?
Guy: Yes, who heard of scaring them with bologna?
Girl: Wasn't it in that movie?...Oh wait, that was robots.

Girl: The other day I saw a homeless guy masturbating in Union Square Park.
Guy: Well, where else was he going to do it?

Girl #1: Did you see those other glasses I tried on?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: I looked like Amelia Earhart.

Guy #1: Dude, all this Groundhog Day shit is bullshit. It is impossible for something to not have a shadow. All things that move have shadows. If it don't move, then it don't have a shadow. Groundhog Day is bullshit.
Guy #2: Dude, you're a dumbass. Only living things have shadows.

Teen girl: So they're like the von Trapps.
Chick: If the von Trapps wore Homestar t-shirts and were Tunisian, then sure.
Teen girl: And hot.
Chick: Yeah, the von Trapps did nothing for me in The Sound of
Music . My mom's dog died the day that movie came out. I guess maybe subconsciously that has something to do with their not-hotness.
Teen girl: What about the Nazi thing?
Chick: The von Trapps weren't Nazis, were they?

Girl #1: So, I think I'm gonna name my kid Senator. Isn't that great? I'm going to name him Senator, but he won't have to ever aspire to anything. Imagine in, like, third grade: Senator Nelson!
Girl #2: Ha, ha! I think I want to name my kid Does.
Girl #1: Would you spell it D-o-e-s?
Girl #2: Yeah, totally. Isn't that a great name?
Girl #1: I'm going to have either a kid or a monkey named Chimapate.

Little boy #1: Can I have that dinosaur?
Little boy #2: Only if you guess what number I have in my head, under 10, okay? Under 10!
Little boy #1: Eleven?
Little boy #2: No, under 10!
Little boy #1: A hundred?

Mom: It's not the holidays now.
Little girl: Why?
Mom: Holidays are only some of the time. The rest of the year, it's
just regular days.
Little girl: Why?
Mom: 'Cause that's how God made it.

Queer: What's missionary?
Chick: Like regular.

Drunk chick: We are in the business together, so you give me your project and I'll give you a fuck.
Guy: A fuck?
Drunk chick: Yeah, 'cause I love my job that much...I'm like, 130%...no, wait...140% into my work.
Guy: Really?
Drunk chick: Dude, I'm all about the art.

Crazy lady: Yo! Uh...man!
Hot dog guy: Yes?
Crazy lady: Why aren't you serving me?
Hot dog guy: I just placed your order, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Well I used to work in immigration, so you best be doing that shit quick like right? Shit, I was immigration, okay? I know people, all right?
Hot dog guy: Like who?
Queer: Kenneth Cole?
Crazy lady: ! I know Diedre. Now don't be playing these crazy mindgames with me! I'm prepared. I have a gun.
Hot dog guy: That's very nice. That'll be 5.98 total, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Fuck you. I'm gone now. You can't see me!
Queer: Faggot, just go away.

Girl #1: Look at the clerk...You know what they say about Chinese
clerks...
Girl #2: Shh, Jord, let's not be racist in public.

Girl #1: I really wasn't into him; he was too young.
Girl #2: What are you talking about? You're a rapist.

Girl: Do you ever think about us? Like, how many more of us there are than of you?
Professor guy: Of course. That's why I always pack heat.

Guy #1: I think you just stepped in pee, there.
Guy #2: Ew.
Guy #1: I think it was human.
Guy #2: Ew. It was kind of greenish.
Guy #1: Maybe it was antifreeze. Don't lick your shoe or anything. Not that you should if it was pee, I mean.

Crazy guy: Only God lives forever! You do not understand!
Drunk girl: Sir, would you like a balloon?
Crazy guy: Those balloons are beautiful. You keep them...Only God lives forever! You white people do not understand!

Guy #1: Yo, I can't believe that girl played you like that!
Guy #2: I know, I did everything for her.
Woman: Oh, no! Does somebody have a case of the Mondays?
Guy #2: Shut up, Miss Piggy.

Guy #1: She's so frazzled. You know she has ADD, right?
Guy #2: Who doesn't?
Guy #1: Well, she's on meds.
Guy #2: Yeah, but she takes the stuff I took when I was, like, 5.

Girl: We had this huge fight. It was awful. All the screaming and stuff and public.
Guy: Really? In the street and stuff?
Girl: Yeah. It's so embarassing.
Guy: Wow. You'll probably end up on that Overheard site.

Mom: How much is it?
Chick: A hundred and fifty bucks.
Mom: Let me pay.
Chick: ! No! Don't give me any goddamn money!
Mom: Here, just take it, dammit!
Chick: Fine, but I'm paying for the taxi home.
Mom: I can't believe Michael puts up with you. You are so divorced in
five years.

Guy: So why don't you give it to a cause you believe in? What are you really into?
Girl: Chillin' hard.
Guy: Okay, so why don't you use it for studio time and then give the rest to a charity?
Girl: Well, I just figure when I get old and have schizophrenia and multiple sclerosis and Alzheimer's I can like afford to send myself to a really nice crazy hospital, you know?
Girl: Definitely.

Old woman: ..Oprah done did it! Everyone loves that bitch, man. She was born barefoot in South Carolina and made it still.
Old man #1: Yeah, she's cool.
Old woman: You know what she did? She done gave everyone who was in that hurricane Christina a five hundred dollar baby stroller! She good like that. I love that woman.
Old man #2: Did you see that book guy, what he did to her?
Old woman: Uh-uh, no, what?
Old man #2: Some guy wrote a cookbook on her show--
Old man #1: No, no, man. He wrote a book about being a junkie and being in jail and it was all bullshit. That guy Frey.
Old man #2: ...I thought the book was about cooking.
Old woman: Well, his name is .

Umbrella guy #1: Get your umbrellas! Don't get wet, get your umbrellas here!
Umbrella guy #2: Don't listen to that asshole, get your better umbrellas here!

Chick #1: Look, this one lights up and oh, there's a bunny on the
end.
Chick #2: In case the orgasm wasn't enough?

Girl #1: I like your pants.
Girl #2: Thanks.
Girl #1: You don't happen to have any percocets in them?

Teen boy #1: Dude that sounds like someone trying to drown a dolphin.
Teen boy #2: Ha, ha, ha! Yo, they live in the water! They can't drown!
Teen boy #1: I know, that's why it's so fucked up!

Hobo #1: Who's gonna win? Who's gonna win?
Hobo #2: I'll tell you who's gonna win. The Seattle Steelers.

Girl #1: No, dude, I'm telling you, all the men going to Paris right now are so gay.
Girl #2: Oh my god, that's so not true. Johnny Depp lives there. Totally not gay.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess...
Girl #2: Trust me, you'll find someone to lose your virginity to there. I'm sure most of them are just, like, metro or bi, anyway.

Guy: I need a cigarette...I need a cigarette...I need a !
Barista chick: Yeah, well I need a but I can't get one right now!

Man: Hey, I finally got that promotion!
Woman: Oh my god, congratulations! High five!
Man: Don't touch me.

Teen boy #1: Don't worry, I've been taking the 7 train since I was 5.
Teen boy #2: How old are you now?
Teen boy #1: 17.
Teen boy #2: So you've been taking the 7 train from...8 years ago?
Teen boy #1: Naw, man. 8 yrs ago I was 10.

Woman: Do you like the perfume I'm wearing?
Man: It smells like a sanitary napkin...Before it's used, of course.

Guy #1: Hey. Do you want some blow?
Guy #2: Um, excuse me, but that's my dad.
Guy #1: Oh. Sorry...Whatever. I meant blowjob.

Woman: We'll have the perfectly peanut butter sundae.
Store girl: Okay, sure.
Man: Come on, you know I fucking hate the taste of peanut butter!
Woman: Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago, I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!
Store girl: ...Um...Yeah, so...I'm taking that as extra peanut butter.

Girl #1: Holy shit! That guy just threw a slushie at the conductor.
Girl #2: That's like a felony, right?
Girl #1: Yeah, they should arrest that guy.
Girl #2: I can think of so many better things to do with a slushie.

Store girl: "Fraternity test"?
Store guy: I've been saying it that way all these years.

Guy: Hey, have you ever been to Alcoholics Anonymous?
Girl: No, I've never been to a triple-A meeting.
Guy: No dumbass, it's AA for Alcoholics Anonymous.
Girl: Oh, yeah? Well what does AAA stand for?
Guy: Association...of...American...no, wait...Automobiles? Fuck, I don't know. It's for cars, stupid.
A guy walking down the steps slips but manages to catch himself.
Guy #2: Nice recovery.
Guy #1: Easier than rehab!

Dad: Do you guys want Turkish food for dinner?
Teen girl: Yeah, I'm down.
Dad: ...Is that good...or bad?

Teen boy: Didn't you know those iPod headphones are bad for you?
Teen girl: No, they're not.
Teen boy: Uh huh. Look in your manual. It says to throw them away as soon as you buy them.

Guy hacks up a lung.
Girl: Are you a heavy smoker?
Guy: What do you mean by "heavy"?
Girl: Is smoking the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
Guy: No, first, I cough. Then, I smoke.

Dude: Wait, who's Pete?
Chick: Pete's the guy who's sleeping with John's girlfriend.
Dude: Oh, right.
Guy #1: You mean the roommate who sleeps naked on the top bunk?
Guy #2: No, that's Bobby. I'm talking about Steve. He's the one who farts all the time.
Guy #1: My bad.

Guy #1: I shouldn't even pay rent in my house, I'm out so much. I should be homeless; I'm barely ever there.
Guy #2: You could live at the ASPCA!
Guy #1: Yeah, the ASPCA. It's a good place to live. My ex-girlfriends live there.

Man: All our stores are in the St. Louis area.
Woman: So all your stores are in Ohio?

Girl #1: You shouldn't waste all that food; there's people in countries like China who are starving and would love to eat that.
Girl #2: ...People in China don't starve; they have Chinese food there.

Tourist lady: Um, I have a non-train related question.
MTA guy: What?
Tourist lady: Is there a nice place to get some coffee or tea around here?
MTA guy: Yeah, outside.
Announcement: Please be nice going on and off the escalators.
Girl #1: I don't understand why they gotta say "How you doin'" and "Have a nice day."
Girl #2: They're trying to be nice, stupid.

Guy #1: ...he always wears the cheapest clothes but always has the most expensive sneakers!
Guy #2: Yo, white people bug me. They always wear crappy clothes, they be wearing green shirts, brown shirts...
Girl: But they always have nice cars, houses, they go on nice vacations. I'd rather wear cheap clothes and have a nice house and go on nice vacations.
Guy #1: You're missing the point!

Teen girl #1: Cashmere is God's gift to the human race!
Teen girl #2: Well, the part of the human race that can it.

Girl #1: Oh he's cute, I really like Arab guys.
Girl #2: He's Indian.
Girl #1: Whatever, I don't care.

Girl: Where's the nearest Banana Republic?
Guy: Uh...Dominican Republic?

Tourist girl #1: Stop acting like a tourist!
Tourist girl #2: But I am a tourist!
Tourist girl #1: But it's embarrassing.
Tourist girl #2: If you're embarrassed over what a ton of people you've never seen before and never will see again think, you're never going to have any fun. Tourists are allowed to act like dorks.
Tourist girl #1: Then why do you make fun of tourists in Boston?

Guy: Seriously, you have to be the most wonderful person in the world to do something like that.
Girl: Yeah, but it's still a felony!

Hag: I can't imagine dropping off my brother at the airport all like, "I'm okay with never seeing you again 'cause you might die in battle."
Queer: Well, at least he gets a whore.
Hag: What?
Queer: 'Cause you know they get whores in wars.
Hag: What are you talking about?
Queer: Hello? World War II?

Dude #1: What'd that guy want?
Dude #2: White guy wanted to know where the Kangol hat store was.
Dude #1: ?
Dude #2: Yeah, must be from Jersey.

Teen girl #1: He wanted to eat me out.
Teen girl #2: Really?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he was like, "Bend over," and I was like, "No."

Chick: I've already slept with 6 professors and it's only two weeks
into the semester.
Guy: me about it. I slept with this one prof last night...he really taught me a thing or two.

Guy: ...and then we'll go to Hell's Kitchen.
Girl: The TV show ?

Bag lady: Girl, you be's so rich you got diamonds on yo' socks.
Chick: They're not diamonds, they're argyle.

Mother: I'm pretty thirsty, honey. Are you thirsty?
Little girl: I'm not thirsty. I'm thirsty for toys!

Mark Riley: We only got two rubbers? What's up?
The Overheard staff was on Air America Radio to tape an interview . A cell phone goes off. Our publisher checks his. Our editor checks his. The producer and the sound guy look at theirs.
Mark Riley: Maybe it's mine. Oh shit, it's my wife!
He picks up.
Mark Riley on cell: ...We're filming I Love Lucy . What's the problem?

Girl #1: I mean, when you think about it, he's really not that good looking, and kind of an asshole. I don't even know why I'm so attracted to him.
Girl #2: Because he's here...and you're you.

Crazy guy: I have fallen off the earth and been plastered to the moon! But I'm back.
Cellmate: Uh huh.
Crazy guy: It's hard to piss out your stomach when they're tracking
your shoes.
Cellmate: Yup.

Man: Yeah, he broke his leg.
Woman: Oh, really? That's too bad.
Man: Oh, it's okay though, he broke both of them.

Grandma: Baby for sale! Baby for sale!
Dad: Ma, don't do that!
Grandma: What? They know it's a joke!

Guy #1: I met this girl, she was perfect.
Guy #2: Whaddya mean?
Guy #1: She was like a mannequin.
Guy #2: Interesting concept...

Girl: He gets it up, but he can't keep it up. He doesn't understand he's dating a Puerto Rican, he needs to keep it hard.
Guy: He's Irish. You have to understand he has to drink.
Girl: Actually when he drinks, it's better. His sex drive improves.

Girl: Jesus, bitch, why you gotta be with that Verizon? They got no text message plan, I ain't paying no ten dollars a month for no texting, you gotta go with Cingular, bitch, then you don't gotta pay nothing and you get, like, what the fuck, a much bigger phone selection too and none of that extra charges bullshit, and--god, bitch, why you gotta talk so loud? We all don't need to hear all about your life, so you still live with your ex-boyfriend, you think I care? Just no need for you to talk so loud, !--So anyway, and Vonage, that shit is stupid, too. The hell kind of name is that anyway? Vahn-ahge...

Tween girl: So, in other news, I got a new ringtone today!
Suit on cell: If you would have given me your correct phone number, I wouldn't to stalk you, would I?
Man: Well, if I had known it was your wife calling I wouldn't have answered!
Hobo: Honey, if I had a phone I'd give you a call.
Guy: I'm sick of that bitch telling me I have no messages.
Guy on cell: So, like, for once, when I call you, can you not pick up?

White guy on cell: You ain't got nowhere to smoke?... You ain't got nowhere to smoke ?...You can't smoke at your grandmother's house?

Hobo: Come on, man! This guy has brand name morphine!
Teen boy: You know what I just realized? I'm a total stoner and a total non-stoner at the same time. That's fucking awesome.
Chick: You know, I really only like doing 'shrooms in, like, the summer.
Guy: I wanna get a prostitute. I'll spread that cunt-ass bitch out and do drugs off her.
Girl: I cannot choose drugs over her. She'll be so pissed if I pick drugs over her again.
Woman: Mmm, I smell some good weed...Never mind, I think it's just the shish kabob.

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen on the platform. Yes, this is a C train. If you are waiting for the F train you have gots to get on this train, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Just get on this train, and we will discuss it as we roll.

Conductor: At the tone, the time will be 6:45... !
Conductor: Last stop, Ditmars Bouelvard. Please remember to take all your bags...and small children.
Conductor: The train's dispatcher has given us a red signal. Thank you for your patience. In just a few minutes we shall to !
Conductor: Hello. How are you? The next stop will be 59th Street.
Conductor: Stand clear of the doors! If you people won't stand clear of the doors, I'm gonna take this train out of service right now! So whaddaya want to do, huh?
Conductor: Local, local, local. This is the local R train. It looks like the R, smells like the R and runs like the R.
Conductor: Rector Street, Century 21!

Girl on cell: No, no, I'm not anywhere near there...No, I'm in Manhattan City, visiting a school.

Woman: Yeah, I hate Brooklyn. I'd never date a man from Brooklyn; he'd steal all my stuff.
Teen girl: Damn, it's like ten degrees warmer in the Bronx.
Tourist guy: So is this Long Island?
Tourist man: This building is going to be really tall by the time I get done with it.
Guy: You know why they call this Ground Zero? 'Cause there ain't nothing here.
Guy: Oh, you should hire that guy in Times Square. The cowboy guy? Who's naked? You know who I'm talking about?
Girl on cell: I don't know, somewhere on 7th. There are models everywhere, and I want to fucking kill myself.
Chick: I'm like the Chrysler Building; I'm so underrated! But I'm like the Empire State Building. I don't want you me, I just want you to look at me from afar.
Lady: I mean, how many times can you watch a line of women lifting their legs at the same time?
Little boy: Okay, I can see outside, Mom...Game Boy is better than outside.
Tourist woman: There's another one of those doo-wanna ree-dahs. I see them everywhere.
Guy: Fuck that shit, man. I still love New York better. Every single time people from Frisco compare cities with New York, you fools bring up your stupid burritos! Well I got news for you: our burritos are catching up.
Little girl: I thought you said New York was crappy. This isn't crappy, I think it's quite beautiful.
Tourist lady: Excuse me, sir. This train goes through Brooklyn? Are we going to get mugged? Will we get stabbed? Will there be people around when we get off the train?
Girl: So I said, "You've never been to Roosevelt Island? Well, obviously suck at life!"
Chick: No, I didn't find the Pope...Well, you're not going to find the Pope in Chinatown, let me tell you what.
Chick: So I told him we were thinking of moving here and he was all like, "Yeah, and you're gonna have to sell your to get in!"
Girl: You know what gets on my nerves? These fucking cobblestones.

Drunk guy: You're not the boss of me...Bruce Springsteen is the boss of me.

Guy: Seriously. Puff's attorney called me the other day to say Puff wants me to sign a confidentiality agreement. Puff doesn't want me to disclose that he is the seller. I said to tell Puff that he's the one who has to sign a confidentiality agreement. If the boys at Goldman find out who I am buying from, my credibility is going to be shot forever.
Paralegal lady on phone: And I thought to myself, "She looks so familiar, who is she?" Queen Latifah's mother!...No, mangos.
Girl: Well, if he's cranking the bass on a Dixie Chicks song at 2AM on a Monday at a bear bar to sell beer to lesbians he has much bigger problems than he knows.
Chick: If we see Robbie Williams tonight, I'm gonna die.
Hipster guy: Yeah and what's with Simon Cowell? That guy is like the Grinch Who Stole Everything Else.
Guy: You know you have reached the lowest point of all human existence when there's a telethon featuring only John Denver music.
Guy: God, I love going to Galapagos. You always run into all the right people there. You know, all the people that you haven't seen since that last Yeah Yeah Yeahs show?
Woman on cell: Remember that handsome lawyer who took me out to dinner the other night? Yeah, well, he gave me an STD. It reminded me of a song.
Professor guy: Billy Joel, wow. He's got about 10 shows coming up. I bet the stage production budget is through the roof. I'd drive a car onto stage...and smash it into a tree.
Woman: Brian Wilson beat me right the hell up right there; right the hell up!
Old woman: Oh, is Lil' Kim in jail?
Dude: I was listening to a DMX record the other day, and if that
guy's telling the truth, he's lived quite a life.
Asian guy: The time has come fo' mad hip-hop.
Crazy lady: Excuse me...Excuse me...Have you heard of a band called "The Diarrheas"? From Washington, DC! With Hillary and...Chuck! Like from Friday the 13th? Do you think they'll be successful?
Third floor window guy: Hey fuck you, I don't need you telling me that you are cooler than me, I saw the Ramones in '83!...Fuck you, your not cooler than me, I saw Fugazi's first show, I saw Minor Threat. What is your fucking claim to fame, seeing the White Stripes?

Guy: Imagine living in the Midwest where there is no happiness .

Guy: Don't worry, I'm not Eurotrash.
Chick: ...but it's like the Harvard of Canada.
Girl: Well, you've got North Korea and South Korea. But you never hear of North Africa, even though there is always people talking about South Africa.
Guy on cell: Damn, if I ever went on vacation with you I'd take you to like . Fuck, yeah.
Bike guy: Followed my girl. yeah, followed my girl to Chicago and Europe, got dissed by my girl...Then I came back.
Asian girl: Did you know that there are Jehovah's Witnesses in Japan? Japanese people don't speak good English but these fools do!
Guy: We New Yorkers only care about the bottom half of Connecticut. The top half can go fuck itself.
Dominican guy: Fucking visas, man. I have to get a visa to go to fucking yo mama's house.
Aussie woman on cell: No, I can't work today. I'm in America...You know, America...No, I'm on holiday in America...No, I'm in New York; you know, America the country! Jesus!
Hipster guy on cell: What?...No, she left already...Why? 'Cause we were talking about legos and Third World dynamics, I guess...
Woman on cell: You tell them my name because I am well-known in California! And I will fuck yo ass up!

Woman: "Medium." What's medium mean?

Lady: I really hate it how this ATM says, "Can we help you with anything else?", and one of the options is, "Sure!" What kind of is that?
Girl: Guess what I be inventing?
Tutor guy: This one is singing..."Op-eh-ra." And this one is the name of a very famous woman.
Girl: What's po-ly-sex-u-al?
Suit on cell: Saying "fuck you" to someone in New York is completely acceptable.
Guy on cell: Hey bitch, which part of "dumplings and a movie" was unclear to you?
Guy: I never say anything intentionally. I mean, unintentionally.
Drunk girl: Look at those steps! They're so steep! They should be called "steeps"!
Guy: Yeah it is, to resolve something. You can't say resolutionize,
it's resolate.

Suit: I just wish that, just once, I could walk into the bathroom at work without it smelling like three week old dead hookers.

Chick: It smells like a dead animal. I'm telling you, there's a dead animal in there. I'll show you. Tomorrow, if I find a dead animal, I will bring it in and show you.
Suit: Don't you love it when you can smell something burning in the subway?
Guy: What threw me off was the smell of stripper.
Girl: I have never had punany odor complaints.
Eddie Kaye Thomas: Well, we had the whole deodorant issue in our
relationship and we still fell in love.

Drunk guy: you're not taking money out, you're taking each other out!
Pair of fruitfucks!

Guy: I am the best at gay chicken. I am undefeated.
Crazy guy: Come on you homosexuals, the revolution's happening without you!
Woman: He says he wants me to go out and do something gay with him, but I have no idea what we're going to do on a Sunday night.
Guy: Nah, yo, all my friends be bisexual now.
Man: You're a unisexual! You sick bastard!

Girl: I was wasted last night. I think I gave a blowjob to a hobo in the park.

Teen girl: Oh my god I lost an earring! And I'm sober!
Chick on cell: So then we were at my place and we had all this vodka
and he got tanked, . He was so tanked. So then he was in no shape to go home, so he had to stay. He asked if he could sleep in my bed and I was like, "All right, but none of ." But he was cool with it. Only he kept touching my boobs...kept putting his hands on my . Ha, ha! So it was fine.
Guy: That's because you're a mean drunk, and nobody loves you.
Guy: I have got to stop going on eBay after I come home from drinking.
Drunk girl: Hey! Woo-hoo! He was hot! Don't you think there's something hot about drunk boys? Like they might be violent? I can't explain it.
Lady: You give a guy like that your number, you make it off by like, three digits. That guy was drunk. And creepy.
Girl: Yeah, so I was at the party and there was only one beer left, but like 5 girls. So he said, "Tell a funny story and whoever tells the funniest story, gets the beer." So my stupidass says, "Once I when I was drunk, I walked around the dorm with no pants!" He stares at me and yells, "You win!"
Girl on cell: I was drunk and started crying! I was crying in the corner of a bar!...Yes, the cute guy saw me...Well, it doesn't matter anyway 'cause I'm gonna be fucking rich.

Drunk guy: What is this, some sort of sausage fest in here or something?

Queer: The national penis is enormous.
MTA guy: I said, "When I get home I just tell her to sit on my dick!"
Guy: My penis does the work of ten men.
Drunk girl: He's got a penis. I mean, it's enormous, or so I've heard.
Chick: I think penises are disgusting, but I love balls! They're like little hamsters!

Chick: I'm gonna beat that girl like she never went to school.

Man: That fucking bitch brought up the time in '94 when I strangled her until she went unconscious. She said here that because of that I'm a danger to my kid in '06. Tell me what something in 1994 has to do with 2006?
Woman: Stop hitting her with that hard toy! Hit her with your fist instead.
Guy on cell: I mean...I wasn't about to beat a bitch, but...
Cashier guy: A girl said something a little disrespectful to me the other day, so I smacked her father.
Guy: Anyway, so I hit her in the face and was like, "When's the last time you got like this?" And she was like, "I don't remember!"
Guy: Dude, I would never raise my hand to my wife. I would only hit her with packaged food products.

Old lady: Excuse me, where is the exit?
Cop: Just follow the signs.
Old lady: I'm following the signs and I don't know where I'm going.

Italian woman #1: He looks like a sand digger!
Italian woman #2: What's that, like a bug?
Italian woman #1: No, you know, a sand digger.
Italian woman #2: What's that?
Italian woman #1: A camel jockey! That's what people in Bay Ridge call them, sand diggers, because they are always shoveling sand in the desert.

Guy: I'm going to Chicago this weekend.
Girl: Jealous.
Guy: Want me to bring you back a hot dog?
Girl: Minus the dog.
Guy: Polish sausage?
Girl: Vegetarian.
Guy: Sausage pizza? Italian sausage? Sausage smoothie?
Girl: Totally.
Guy: Why doesn't someone open a sausage smoothie store in Chicago? They'd be a millionaire.

Girl #1: I don't understand why he's so popular.
Girl #2: It's obviously because he's a drug dealer.
Dealer guy: Hey man, buy some weed?
Yuppie guy: Sure. And while I'm at it, why don't I just not send my
kids to school, get them addicted to heroin, and leave them on the
street to die?
Dealer guy: You sure you don't want some weed?

Girl #1: I thought it was gross that he butters his bread on both sides.
Girl #2: Ew! He butters his bread on both sides?
Old woman: Is he married or something? I mean to be that particular...
Girl #3: No, he just wants to be published.

Drunk chick #1: Dude julia, I just totally stuck my face slash mouth on this pole.
Drunk chick #2: Ew.
Drunk chick #1: Oh, by the way, how are your antibiotics going?
Drunk chick #2: Uh, not so good.

Chick: Did you ever watch wrestling?
Guy: I used to watch it back when it was real.

Dude: I'm looking for this non-fiction book.
Store guy: What is it?
Dude: How to Build a Time Machine .

Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Would Isaiah Santiago please step off the train? The police are waiting for you.

Conductor: If there is an Isaiah Santiago on this train, please step off the train and stand against the wall. The police are waiting for you.
Man: I found Waldo !
Drunk guy: I'm Waldo...but I'm found.

Girl: I guess I know a couple people up at Sarah Lawrence who work, but I don't know why anyone would want a job in college.
Guy: Yeah, working's for public college kids anyway.

Chick #1: It's wearing off.
Chick #2: Oh my god, it looks so good though.
Chick #1: Yeah. Botox really works.
Chick #2: My mom doesn't need that but she really needs a neck lift.

Mom: Hold my hand! It's too crowded for you to let go of my hand!
Dad: He think he grown, but he ain't grown yet.
Mom: I know, waking up all early in the morning.
Dad: Next time he does that, thinkin' he's all grown, tell him to change his own shitty Pamper.

Girl #1: Stuart kissed me full on the mouth.
Girl #2: Did he mean it?
Girl #1: He said it was an accident; he was going for my cheek.
Girl #2: That happened to me once when I was kissing my father.

Guy: Is that an iPod?
Girl: No, it's a gaydar.

Woman #1: God, that was so funny when all of those Nazis walked into the courtroom and their hairstyles were like Hitler's!
Man: Well, I mean, it makes sense, I guess. You know, people always copy famous people when it comes to stuff like that.
Woman #2: Yeah, like remember when I had that terrible Dorothy Hamill haircut?

Girl #1: That's so funny. I've always said, "That would be two of us." So how do you use it?
Girl #2: "That would behoove us."...Well, you don't use it that way. You say "of". "That would be hoove of us." As in, that would be smart of us.

Polish man: Her 3 bedroom apartment in Williamsburg is for 9 months every year!
American man: What am I missing here?
Polish man: She's an idiot!

Man #1: This subway smells like citrus fruit.
Man #2: Yeah, Mr. Lemonhead got killed here.
Woman: I peed on his face once.

Girl: Babe, I'm gonna get my tits pierced.
Guy: And then I'll chop them off for you.

Girl #1: So I had this dream where I had this little baby, and it was bald.
Girl #2: Oh yeah?
Girl #1: So I mean, it was a boy.

Guido #1: She was givin' me lip, so I returned the favor by pissing on her face.
Guido #2: For real dog, that's what you gotta do.
Guido #1: I had to go anyways, so it was really two birds and a stone.

Chick #1: Damn yo, why aren't there aboveground trains in the city?
Chick #2: They'd crash into the buildings. Duh! .

Chick #1: Oh my god, that girl just opened her mouth so wide she could swallow the world.
Chick #2: Seriously, I think she just swallowed me. And while I was in there, there were three children with me...and a lhasa apso.

Teen boy: Somewhere out there...someone is getting laid.

Guy on cell: Dude, I am so fucking horny right now...When I get home I am going to tear that shit up!
Teen boy: Well, I definitely know that French people say "Oui, oui!" when they have sex, which is kind of funny. It sounds like "Wheeee!"
Girl: I also fuck sideshow freaks.
Man: I still trust you, even though you've slept with my brother.
Guy: Yeah, so he hooked up with this girl, but he can't remember her name or what she looked like. He says all he can remember is that she had a red bra.
Tween girl: I never worry about fucking, honey.
Chick: Because what he doesn't realize is that tall girls like getting fucked. A lot.

Woman: Hey, so have you ever tried crack?

Girl: So I say to her, "It's just a fucking junkie, step around him and let's go already."
Hobo: Will somebody please give me $20 so I can buy crack-cocaine?
Girl: I don't like anything snow-like. Except maybe cocaine.
Suit on cell: I am so . So fucked. I'm going to be at the office all fucking night. I need some energy. I need some coke. Where's the closest high school around here?
Girl: Wow. I never knew bongs were so pretty. Oh, sorry, "decorative tobacco pipes".
Dude: We were doin' blow and she was 14. It was weird.
Man: If you have some pot, please let me know!
Man on cell: The thing about Alberto is that he criticizes everybody's drug use except his own.
Girl: What do you mean, you don't smoke weed? That's mainly what niggas be doin' these days!
Teen boy: Come on people, I'm not selling crack...Y'all want some
crack, then?

Suit on cell: Why would I lie to you? When have I ever lied to you? Listen, you and I both know there are "no nice little neighborhoods" in Queens!

Girl on cell: No, I don't know what a gazebo is! She don't know what a gazebo is either! Yeah, just look for that thing that looks like a little house. We're right next to that.
Chick: ...And I was on Wall Street, too. So the only place in Manhattan that I haven't been today is, like, Brooklyn.
Tourist guy: I'm at Grand Central Park.
Old woman: Is the World's Fair still going on?
Tourist lady: Oh my god, it all looks so authentic.
Dude: Choppin' down trees in Brooklyn ain't no joke, nigga.
Tourist man on cell: Guess where I am?...Yup, Rockefeller Plaza, right in the heart of downtown Manhattan.
Chick on cell: We're at The Spotted Pig...Yeah, there's a cow in front.

Woman on cell: Caviar? Nigga, ain't no caviar in Harlem.

Leather guy: Do you know where I can find some really fabulous cupcakes?
Cop: You know what you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?...Donuts.
Tween girl: Yo, free burgers and shit, nigga!
Teen boy: Green tea is mad good for your prostate.
Man: Fuck that shit. Since you been hitting that, it's been like you're on some sort of vegan dessert island.
Chick: Are Whoppers big?
Chugger woman: Excuse me, would you like to sign a petition to reduce the cost of Swiss cheese?
Girl: I am the Velveeta heiress.
Crazy guy: These women are like Cheez Whiz. Fucking American cheese, man.
Dude: There is some shit you just can't share. Like my Kit Kat. If I share my Kit Kat with you, that's one-fourth! Twenty-five percent, son. No way. And don't even come up around my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Fitty percent ? Get the hell out of my face!
Woman: The first time he paid me a lot of money to have sex with him and a friend. So the second night, we did it again. The third night, he asked me out to lunch.
Teen girl: How is Sprite subliminal?
Guy on cell: Man, I'm telling you, you have to get into pastrami. It's the money meat!
Girl: I just paid 6 bucks for some nasty-ass food that I had to throw away! I mean it was gross. If it was just nasty, I would have ate it, 'cause you know, I paid 6 bucks for it, but it was .
Hobo: Can anyone spare some change? In order to get a job, you need an ID and an address. I have neither. I would really like both. Can you help me out with some change or some food you're not going to eat? Perhaps a matzoh ball. Matzoh, matzoh ball. Man, I'd give anything for a matzoh ball.

Girl: Did you see those capris ? They looked like the girl had her vagina on sideways!

Crazy guy: My shoelaces are too long. I need to burn 'em off.
Girl: I'm so excited for spring break! I bought new bathing suits. I put them on and chilled in my apartment all day.
Man: Girl...if you were wearing Club Monaco, I would have walked right past you!
Cop: These silk underwear are holdin' up.
Vendor guy: Scarves! Get you a scarf! Keep that ass warm!
Guy: Well, you can wear whatever you like. As long as they're not, like, assless chaps like Dan was threatening to wear.
Woman: If you buy a suit that looks like that, you're buying me liposuction too.
Chick: The messenger bag wants to be a satchel.
Guy: Columbus...He wore bellbottoms...Yeah, he wore overalls.
Receptionist lady: Well, the good thing is that if she goes on her honeymoon in the United States there will be a Victoria's Secret wherever she goes.
Guy: Shit, man, if I win that lotto jackpot, I ain't never gonna wear clothes again.
Black chick: I'd have to have a car to walk in these shoes!
Old Jewess: Look, honey, these shoes show ya toe cleavage! You that!

Conductor: ...Transfer available here to the F, V, N, Q, R and W. Next stop: New Jersey. Stand clear of the closing doors.

Conductor: Lady, your ponytail is stuck in the door. I can't move this train until you fix that, okay?
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of subway cars is dangerous.
Conductor: If you can't fit on the train, it simply means....uh....you can't fit on the train.
Conductor: Passengers, this is a downtown train. We don't know what route it will be yet, but we will be going downtown on the Eighth Avenue line. If we don't stop at your stop, we'll probably be stopping at one just as nice.
Conductor: Ma'am your hair is caught in the door. please step all the way into the car. Ladies and gentlemen, this train is very full. Make sure when you step on, you get your coats, bags, and hair in with you.
Conductor: Some of us remember 9/11. Since then the subways have been on high alert. Those emergency intercoms are for emergencies . You want a joke? Go see the circus.
Conductor: This is not Noah's Ark, people. There is more than one door. Please use all available doors to enter the train.
Conductor: After this train is put out of service because of what you are doing to the door and everyone is stranded I will make sure they all know exactly who you are.

Woman: Well, he should just get over it. Who doesn't have a mother who died?

Girl: It ain't a man, nigga. It's your mama. Yup, your mama wanna fuck me.
Crazy guy: I'm moving inside where it's comfortable. I'm not standing by the doors where it's crowded. It's like a can of sardines. I was alone in my mother's womb. She didn't have no twins!
Crazy chick: I'm gonna fucking kill my mother! My mother is a cow and a bitch and I'm gonna fucking kill her! I'm gonna slice her up, I'm gonna kill my fucking mother, that bitch, I'm gonna dig her heart out!
Crazy chick: Come , train! If the train doesn't come I'm gonna cut my mother up. I'm gonna set my mother on fire if the train doesn't come. I'll set that bitch on fire!
Woman on cell: Did you just walk in the room when he said, "Mommy"?...And did he run over to you?...God, you cannot buy that!
Lady: Mommy got wasted on Saturday and lost her phone.
Little boy: Good job going poopie, Mommy!
Mom: You better stop it or else I'm going to drop you...I'm not playin'...I will drop you...Do not play with me.
Hobo: Hey, baby. You're a pretty baby, you know that? If you ever need a new stepdaddy just tell your mommy to let me know.
Mom: You are the best form of birth control.
Little boy: Mom, you shouldn't have married him...Mom, you really shouldn't have married him.
Guy: I always know when I'm home, 'cause my mom buys the expensive toilet paper.

Tween girl: The thing most people don't get about techno is, it's so emotional.

Girl: Oh, please. He's been on my shit list since "You Remind Me of My Jeep". Remember that?
Teen boy: Yo, if I saw Michael Jackson, the first thing I'd tell him is that I had HIV.
Hobo: Brother, brother! I gotta tell you...I may be blind and dirty but even I don't know what you're playin'! Quit playin' that shit!
Dude: He's like Teyve except he's sings more than deedle, deedle, dee .
MTA guy: I mean, James Brown couldn't sing worth a fuck, but he could dance. He had a damn good bag.
Salesguy: James smoke a motherfucking Blunt! I hate this cocksucker. I hate working here.
JAP: , that's what the words are...I thought it was, "I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the sheriff."
Dude on cell: You can't find bigger pussies than Jonathan Ames and Moby! Right? Right? Right?
Woman: I'm dying. Elvis says I'm not, but I know I am.
Dad: I can't remember his name. But he was famous. And he got shot.
Teacher lady: If I can survive John Lennon's death you can survive
anything.

Drunk girl: Sometimes, when I look at myself through the microscope of cold, hard objectivity, I think to myself, "God, you are !"

Girl: I'm totally lesbo, but the only woman I've ever loved is myself.
Queer: Then they said, "I may have a woman's body, but underneath it all, I'm a ."
Chick: I can't believe his head is as big as mine. I meet people with heads as big as mine.
Hipster girl: Y'know, we just have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes we are just too fabulous for the places we are in.
Girl: I thought that when I met Jay he would tell me I'm not good enough and walk away.

Guy: I mean, eating your own cum is one thing, but eating it on a pizza four hours later? I should probably keep my voice down...

Girl: I swear, if semen touches my sheets...!
Dude: I love how my masturbation is so inconsistent but it's inconsistent to my control.
Chick: I mean, I've always of guys who whacked off on the subway...
Girl: I don't like body fluids unless it's my own.
Guy on cell: I was straight with her, you know? This is who I am. I'm
young, I'm dumb, I'm full of cum.
Teen girl: God, it tastes so good. I know you think I'm crazy but if I could put his cum on ice and drink it, I would.

Teen girl: God, you are so self-conscious sometimes I want to punch you in the face.

Loudspeaker: To the people getting off the train: push your way through the crowd. Don't let those Penn Station people take advantage of you!
Dude: She would punch you so hard, they wouldn't have to dig your grave; they'd just have to cover it!
Preggers: If this guy pushes me one more time I'm gonna have to slap him twice...Once for now, and once for the first time he pushed me.
Guy on cell: No son, I already done told you I won't have a threesome with you and your girl! I don't play that shit! Now I'm coming to your house later to get my weed and my money and I don't never want to speak to you again!
Lady: Get your bi-polar, tri-focal ass out of here!
Loudspeaker: Move out of the way, you expletive!
Asian girl: What the fuck is your problem? I gave up cursing for Lent, but since I know I'll be forgiven for this: what the fuck is your fucking problem, you fucking motherfucker? There is so much fucking space on this fucking street and you have to be up my fucking ass? Go fuck yourself, you fucking asshole!

Chick: She's like a human Muppet...But not .

Guy: So to recap, I learned tonight that Isaac Hayes wanted to fuck his mother and I secretly want to fuck my father.
Lady: I don't watch TV; TV watches me.
Old lady on cell: Mom, I don't give a flying fuck what Dr. Phil has to say about it!
Black guy: Man, I'm startin' to get this Grey's Anatomy shit.
Girl: You know, the first time my boyfriend and I had sex, it was because of Golden Girls .
Chick: Can you do something productive and get us tickets to The Maury Povich Show ?
Girl on cell: I know I promised...I'm sorry, I just felt that getting laid for the first time in almost a year was slightly more important than remembering to TiVo The Sopranos for you.

Guy #1: Excuse me, sir, but do you know you're ?
Guy #2: Yes, I do know that. Now will you stop following me?

Teen girl #1: What's a "fortnight"?
Teen girl #2: It's British for "ten days"; like, "I'll be gone for a fortnight."
Teen girl #1: Oh yeah, that makes total sense.

Guy #1: So that Egyptian baby girl with two heads died. A brain infection from when they removed the extra head.
Guy #2: Is this real or from the Weekly World News ?
Guy #1: No, it's real. The extra head could only smile and blink.
Guy #3: So the extra head could give head...It had a use...Ha, ha, ha!
Guy #1: You are really a sick motherfucker.

Guy: I don't need a bag, thanks.
Store lady: You're going to carry that in your hand?
Guy: Yeah.
Store lady: That's fine with me. I love customers who don't want bags.
Guy: Why waste them, right?
Store lady: Yeah. People need to recycle. They keep cutting down more and more trees for these bags.
Guy: ...Yeah.
Store lady: Plastic bags are made out of trees, right?
Guy: ...Well, no...
Store lady: Oh, I think it's paper bags that are made out of trees.

Girl: And he's like, "Are you pregnant?"
Guy: Is that how straight people ask if you got laid?
Girl: No, but I'm kinda worried.
Guy: Yeah. My friends from high school got pregnant like one after the other.
Girl: Ew.
Guy: It was like abort over here, abort over there.
Girl: I'm scared.
Guy: We was killing baby fetuses every week.

Teen girl #1: You know what I think the worst smell would be? Dirty diapers with rotting flesh wrapped in rubber; all set on fire.
Teen girl #2: What about sulfur, too?
Teen girl #1: Well, sulfur usually comes along with the burning anyway. And you know, that all might smell so bad that it smells good...
Teen girl #2: Yeah, you should tell Dartmouth that when you interview there.

Old man #1: I must have my cloaking device on today! Ha, ha.
Old man #2: Get the fuck out of my way, asshole.
Old man #1: Damn Klingons.

Woman: Well, everybody poops.
Man: That's the title of a book.
Woman: I know. I was making a literary reference.

Woman #1: It's flushed like 3 times and I haven't even sat down yet!
Woman #2: It can already tell your ass is dirty.

Tween boy: Would you like to buy some candy?
Woman #1: No.
Woman #2: No thanks.
Tween boy: Okay, how about a threesome?

Dad: Do you think want to talk about princesses 24 hours a day?
Little girl: No.
Dad: What do you think want to talk about?
Little girl: Star Wars .

Guy #1: Yeah, and she had tits like eggplants.
Guy #2: And they were hairy?
Guy #1: Yeah, the hairs were like this long and black.
Guy #2: That's fucking sick.

Teen girl #1: I got a doctor's appointment after school today. My mom saw this hickey and she's taking me for a pregnancy test.
Teen boy: Yo, Mexican mom's is crazy.
Teen girl #2: That sucks. If my mom ever tries to take me, I'm telling her it's a civil rights violation.
Teen girl #1: I already got my excuse. I'm gonna say it busted when I was riding my bike.
Teen boy: No, that's no good. Say you was jumpin' up and down.

Tourist dude: What's a...knish?
Tourist chick: I think it's like...a Hot Pocket?

Teen girl #1: We're not going to KFC! Their food is, like, poison.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, they kill their chickens .

Old lady: Excuse me, how do I get to the second floor?
Intern chick: You just press "2" and wait for the elevator to go up.
Old lady: They just tell you what floor the exhibit is on, but they don't tell how to get there!

Little boy: Why do I have to pee in a cup?
Mom: For a test.
Little boy: For a test? Do I have to drink it?

Teen boy #1: Hey mister, does this train go to Manhattan?
Man: I think it's supposed to, but the N's messed up right now.
Teen boy #2: Yeah, the N train's totally gay.
Man: Yeah, and not in the good way.

Girl: Come sign for this. I can't, I'm not 21 yet.
Guy: It's a bookstore, nigga, not the Feds!

Man I know what's wrong with your neck.
Woman: Yeah?
Man: You slept on it funny and then you breathed in, you know? You get an air bubble in your neck when you do that.
Woman: ?

Woman #1: Don't you hate taking the train so early in the morning? I take it every day.
Woman #2: Could you not talk to me?

Suit: Bless you.
Chick: Who the fuck are you?
Suit: You sneezed.
Chick: Whatever, do talk to me again.
Director man: Excuse me, we're to shoot this scene, please move out of the way.
Chick: Excuse me? trying to catch a motherfucking train. I think you can film a movie some other damn place, but I'm trying to catch a motherfucking train and this is where they keep them: in Grand fucking Central.

Guy #1: Man, how you gonna play like a kid came on to you? A four year old can't even get it up.
Guy #2: How do you know? You hit on a four year old?
Guy #1: Nah, man. I was one.

Girl: Excuse me, do you have any biographies of TuPac?
Library guy: Probably, though they'd be with the other biographies on the second floor.
Dude: But isn't this the fiction section?
Library guy: It is. You might be able to find some books about him in non-fiction.
Girl: "Non-fiction"?
Library guy: Non-fiction means true.
Dude: ...And fiction means false.
Library guy: Sort of.
Girl: So if it's in non-fiction then that means he must still be alive.
Library guy: I don't think you understand.

Guy #1: You know her?
Guy #2: Yeah! The girl with a face like a chipmunk...Poor thing's gonna die a virgin.
Guy #1: She's married.
Guy #2: ? Married to what?

Chick #1: There was too much talking in that movie and not enough action.
Chick #2: Yeah. It was all like too much communism and shit.

Crazy guy: Yeah, I don't have to remember. I know. What are you looking at? I'm gonna kill you, you keep it up, I'm gonna kill you. I don't need to be no CIA, FBI, Special Agent Man, whatever the fuck you got. I battle evil! I'm gonna kill you.
Man from window: Shut up!
Crazy guy: Fuck you. I battle ! I battle evil every day. You're a coward. I'm gonna blow up that building. I don't like evil. I'm a peaceful man and I battle evil.
Man from window: Go away then.
Crazy guy: I battle evil !

Teen girl #1: You shouldn't chew gum; it makes you stupider.
Teen girl #2: Oh yeah?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, I heard that somewhere.
Teen girl #2: Well, I heard somewhere that you're an idiot. No, wait, that was right here.

Little boy: Hey mister, wanna hear a funny joke?
Old man: No.
Little boy: Okay, here it goes...A man walks into a bar..."Ouch!" Ha, ha, ha! Get it?
Old man: That's the weakest shit I've ever heard.

Queer #1: It's too bad he's not for sale.
Queer #2: I think you can rent him, though.

Waiter: How would you like your eggs?
Guy: Can I get two eggs scrambled, one sunny side up?
Waiter: Um...I...Um...I don't...
Guy: Whatever. Give me three scrambled eggs. God.

Guy #1: Yo, what's the Louisiana Purchase?
Guy #2: You mad dumb, yo. That's when they illegally sold all that alcohol.

Woman: Wait, aren't dinosaurs mammals?
Man: Um. They're reptiles, honey.
Woman: Oh. Right.
Man: You have two master's degrees?
Woman: But not in lizardology!

Woman #1: I really wish they wouldn't let musicians play here.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: I mean, seriously, it's such an invasion of my privacy.

Old woman: " "? Nothing's free around here! That's what's wrong with you immigrants, always looking for something for free!
Businessman lady: I said "sweet", not "free".
Old woman: I know what you meant!

Teen girl #1: Do they card here?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but they don't card the Asians.
Teen girl #1: Isn't that racist?
Teen girl #2: No, that's like...affirmative action or something like that.

Cop #1: When I'm fucking a cunt, I like to hurt it. You like to hurt a cunt when you're fucking it?
Cop #2: Yeah. What do I give a fuck? It ain't my cunt.

Guy: Hey! Don't touch me! You can't sit here. People don't just sit on the floor on the train.
Drunk woman: I have...a very bad...back...
Guy: Then ask somebody to give you their seat. Then go see a doctor.
She flips him off.
Woman #2: Oh no, she didn't!

JAP #1: So then he like...stuck his stick up her hoo-ha!
JAP #2: Like in her area? You mean he went for the cash and prizes?
JAP #1: Yeah! So he like... hit her there with his stick, and she spun around and was like, "What the fuck?", but then was like, "Oh, you're blind." But I don't care. It's fucked up.

Drunk guy on cell: Hello?
Lady on speaker: Larry, where are you? When are you coming home?
Drunk guy on cell: Who's this?

Suit #1: I've never had a hooker before.
Suit #2: Neither have I but I feel ready now.

Girl #1: So this guy I work with has been hitting on me a lot lately.
Girl #2: Is he Mexican?
Girl #1: No...he's black or white or something.

Mailwoman: Ma'am, the zip code you gave is for Michigan.
Lady: No! Illinois is in Chicago. My son don't live in Michigan. Illinois is in Chicago! Chicago is a big state with lots of towns! Illinois is in Chicago !
Mailwoman: You gived me the wrong information, and I can't help you.
Lady: You're giving me bullshit. You're fucking bullshit! ! Illinois is in fucking Chicago. This is fucking bullshit.

Promoter guy: Hey, see a comedy show! Is your relationship in trouble? Humor will help
Girl: No, thanks.
Promoter guy: Your relationship's in trouble.
Girl: Yeah, like your career.

Girl #1: It would be so crazy if we were all in an alternate universe and then saw ourselves hanging out here like we always do.
Guy: Then you would have to have sex with yourself.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: I mean, if I could have sex with myself, I probably would.

Teen boy #1: You know what my mom does? She bathes in champagne.
Teen boy #2: Yeah?
Teen boy #1: It's supposed to be good luck, you know?
Teen girl: What, does she just pour Cristal all over herself or something?
Teen boy #1: Nah. I think she puts it on a sponge.

Teen boy: I haven't read one page of that Animal Farm .
Teen girl: Apparently, because we're reading .

Little girl: Mommy, do you have veins in your head?
Mom: Of course you do. That's how Grandma died; a big vein in her brain exploded.

Security lady #1: I don't think I never met an Amish person.
Security lady #2: Ain't that Marie Osmond an Amish? Yeah, she's an Amish person.
Security lady #1: If she's Amish, why is she allowed to wear so much makeup? They can't wear makeup, right?

Teen boy #1: Man, I don't know what I would do...Three billion dollars is a lot of green, yo. What would you guys do?
Teen boy #2: Yo, I'd get me one of them golden showers, son.
Teen boy #1: Dude, that's when someone pees on you.

Guy: I could become a sheriff. Don't you have to take a test to become a sheriff? What if you have one of those disorders that you throw up whenever you take a test?
Girl: Well I guess you could get a note or something.
Guy: Oh yeah, you could be like, "I threw up on my test, that's why it smells funny. Here's a note."

Guy #1: Yo, she want me to give her a kid, son. She only 28. I'm like, you don't need no kid when you 28. Just start in your thirties and have 'em back to back to back.
Girl: You make it sound pretty easy to have kids back to back. That's hard on a woman.
Guy #1: And she ain't the only one. Lots of girls want me to give them kids.
Girl: Your sperm is in high demand.
Guy #2: What do you want, man? You're a good-looking guy.
Guy #1: I know. I'm hot. But sometimes it feels like a curse to be this hot.

Bag lady: Can you spare some change?
Woman: No, I'm sorry.
Bag lady: Is that your boyfriend? Lose him.

Deli guy: Getting some beers?
Customer guy: Yup. Three for me and one for my dog.

Yarmulke guy #1: Well, I mean, like for me one of the biggest issues was religiosity.
Yarmulke guy #2: So, was she more or less than you?
Yarmulke guy #1: less.
Yarmulke guy #2: Yeah?
Yarmulke guy #1: Let me just put it this way: two days after we broke up she was wearing pants.

Hobo: Can you spare some change?...Hey, could I have another one?
Man #1: What? Another dollar? I already gave you one; fuck you!
Man #2: Now that's what I call an ungrateful motherfucker.

Lady #1: Hey, do you remember how that conversation with Jim started today?
Lady #2: Um, honestly, no.
Lady #1: Well, fuck you then! Ginka balinka, Alzheimer's bitch!

Guy #1: So they're throwing a going away thing for him.
Guy #2: What, is he goin' to jail or somethin'?
Guy #1: Nah, he just became a corrections officer.

Guy #1: So I had my colonoscopy Tuesday. It was like I lost an hour out of my life.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Oh that stuff they give you to make you sleepy. It gives you
amnesia or something.
Guy #2: That's messed up.
Guy #1: So my girlfriend tells me afterwords like five times that they removed a polyp and that they think it could be pre-cancerous. I won't know until next week or something.
Guy #2: So where do you want to get lunch?

Mom: Did she tell you to pee in your pants?
Little girl: No.
Mom: Then she didn't make you.

Toddler boy: I don't need to go anymore.
Dad: I just waited in line for ten minutes. You better fart or something.

Teen girl #1: Yo, it smells like sex in this train!
Teen girl #2: What the hell does sex smell like?
Teen girl #1: Oops, that's right! You're a virgin. Well, it smells, well, uh,it smells like sex! Okay, who in this train just got some booty? Was it you? You? Oh hell naw, you're too ugly.
Teen girl #2: You really think someone would have sex on a crowded train?

Chick: I have to run in here and get more ChapStick.
Guy: You just bought chapstick yesterday.
Chick: My dog steals them and eats them.
Guy: That must be why his lips are so soft.

Chick: I don't never know where you at.
Guy: Aw, baby, I always tell you where I at.
Chick: Oh no, you don't. In fact, I don't know where you at yesterday.
Guy: Well...I don't always know where you at neither.
Chick: Oh yes, you do. I tell you where I at.
Guy: Nuh uh. I don't never know where you at till you get from there.

Man: Those are some fine-lookin' sweaters!
Old lady: Do you like them? I made them, you know.
Man: You made those?
Old lady: I did.
Man: Do you think you could make one for him?
Old lady: I would be delighted!
Man: But, you know...I mean...like, for a chihuahua.
Girl #1: What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about the Johnny Cash song, A Boy Named Sue !
Girl #2: And I'm talking about my dog being a cross-dresser.

Woman on cell: Hold on, I have to juggle, I'm pushing a stroller, walking the dog and holding a big bag of poop.

Guy on cell: ...yeah, my Espanol class, it's like shitting a watermelon!
Drunk guy: What're you gonna do if I poop on myself? What're you gonna do?
Little girl: Is this a magic toilet?
Crazy lady: All's well that ends well. I guarantee you that I did not peepee in my pants.
Woman on cell: Why do you have to tease me by pooping at house?
Teen girl: Oh my god, I just peed on myself!
Dude: Talking to you is like taking a shit.

Drunk girl: What kind of guys do you like?...What kind of guys do you like? I like guys with big tits.

Chick: If I let you touch my boob, will you stay longer?
Girl on cell: ...Yeah, I know...Mom, I ...Mom, I gotta go, I don't have time to talk about your nipples right now.
Guy: She got the ill mole on her face; her cheek look like a titty.
Chick on cell: Yeah, don't you hate it when you're not wearing a bra and like one nipple gets hard and the one doesn't?
Girl: Yo Stacey, you want some breast milk?
Chick: Well I understand that, but that's no reason to set your nipples on fire.
Mail guy: Man, I got my fried chicken at Popeye's; their breasts are mad big. They like double Ds.
Chick: I think I'm going to be a lactation consultant.
Woman: I'm sure there are people in this world who have a fetish for big boobs and juice boxes.

Suit: My dick was totally in one hand pissing while I was talking to the client.

Dude: No for real, all you need to do is give a girl a nice stiff cock and she'll let you do whatever you want.
Girl: So we're goin' at it and he starts screaming and runs out of the bedroom, and I like follow him and he's standing there in the kitchen with his dick in a glass of milk.
Man: I keep tasting weiner.
Guy: And I said, "Man, do you really want to get on your ?"
Girl: It's like, "Well, it's the end of the night, I guess I'll put this in my mouth instead of a penis."
Guy: Excuse me! He has a mole on his dick! He has a mole on his dick!
Woman on cell: Nigga, I thought you always had your dick washed by 7!

Chick on cell: I need you to give me a ride home when I get off the bus. My grandma has been standing in front of my house for over one hour...I bet you anything she needs money again.

Guy: Wait, they're actually a dime a dozen?
Chick on cell: I don't want an intern making my fuckin' coffee, much less produce my fuckin' show.
Dude: That's not true; someone once charged me seven dollars and fifty-three cents for a smile.
Woman: Damn, girl, you workin' hard. What type of reward you gettin'? Monetary or bootitary?
Girl: I made a New Year's resolution to be less responsible, but it just didn't work.
Woman: I am just kicking myself for spending all that money on that stupid funeral!
Girl: I'm going to get in to work early tomorrow so I can quit.
Little boy on cell: ...You're not listening to me! It's not about the snack, it's about the fact that I've had a really hard day and I want to unwind a little.
Hobo: I would like to inform you of something you already know. You are all very cheap.
Guy: I have to cash this check; I just got out of jail and I need the money!
Girl: We're being listed through Mr. Vampire-man.
Old man: When I see that tenants have their windows open, I shut down the boilers. If there's a cold snap after that and they complain that there's no heat, I say, "Too bad. You had your windows open for a week!"
Girl: He only put two thousand dollars in my account, so we can't go too crazy.
Counter guy: Lady, would I be selling it if it weren't any good?
Lady: When she traded her kid for the house, I lost all respect for her.

Hipster guy: Dude, he always blames it on the train dispatcher. He needs to own his problems, you know?

Loudspeaker: Move to the front of the train. There's more room at the front...Well, you missed it. And that was the last one. We'll set up cots on the platform so you can spend the night.
Latina: I couldn't fit on that train. I want my money back.
Old lady: Gentrification? What they need to do is gentrify the subways!
Guy on cell: I'll be there shortly...I'm stuck on the train on the bridge.
Woman: Is 14th Street the next stop?
Teen boy: You know how we be hopping turnstiles all the time? I get so used to it, I hopped the turnstile on the way out the station. Cop saw me and grabbed me! Cop was all, "Date of birth?" and shit. I'm like, "I was going out!" and he's all, "Still looks like a hop to me."
Hobo: Ever notice how ugly New Yorkers are?...Don't take my word for it; just look at the person sitting next to you!
Woman: Where the hell is the uptown 6 train? This is crazy! Where the hell is the uptown 6 ?
Bus driver: This is the shuttle bus for the number 2 train. Don't expect to get where you are going in an hour. It's gonna take two. If you don't like it, call a car service, or get a ride with a friend, or stay home.

Construction guy: Well, she didn't sound Chinese over the phone.

Flyer guy: Free cell phones...Free BlackBerries...Free prisoners of war...
Guy: Yeah, well, that's what I do, perpetually disappoint people. Call my father.
Girl on cell: Oh my God, Tina, I have to go. I have been looking for my phone for the last 5 minutes and I can't find it anywhere.
Woman: did the real sex live up to the phone sex?
Guy on cell: She had yo brother when she was nine? Ew, yo momma a freak...Am I on speaker phone?
Woman: Mom is always listening in on the other line when I talk to dad. The other night he said, "You're such a nice person", and I said I must have got that from him and we heard a click.
Girl: No guy would spend that much time texting you if he wasn't serious.
Guy on cell: Man, that's the worst, when you're jerking off and a friend calls. Like you really want to jerk off, but you really want to talk to your friend too.

Guy: Did you see that woman? She looked at us like she'd never seen a black man before.

Girl: I just said the n-word in front of a "n"!
Guy: Yo, the Africans: they black. The Asians: they black. There gonna be too many of us!
Black man on cell: They are some racist fuckers in there. They wouldn't help me because they are so racist. And you know what, that racist motherfucker was a bin Laden bitch too!
God Squad guy: I get the best reaction from the blacks. The black people are more spiritual. They got one up on us. But it's not us and them. We're all one person. You're just a different shade of white, and I'm a different shade of black.
Drunk guy: There's fuckin' cops everywhere. The worst ones are black. No wonder everyone hates 'em.
Black chick: Four generations out of slavery, and now I command a robot army.
Guy on cell: Okay, you are telling me 6 o'clock. Can you give that
to me in black time? You mean like 8.

Girl: I can you...that at apartment...there will be soap!

Little boy: I like to play in the dirt...and I like to do dirty things .
Guy on cell: I can feel the juice runnin' down my leg. It's leaking !
Fashionista: If I'd just taken a shower everything would have been all right.
Suit: You gotta come early, like 5 o'clock, when they're still clean. You don't need another dick already in 'em.
Girl on cell: That's not cleansing. Not eating anything ever is not a way of cleansing your body.
Guy: The next time you complain that I don't take the trash out, I'm going to remind you that it was not me who put beef blood in our bed.
Tourist woman: The sight and smell of it was so disgusting! I was
like, "Is this porn?"
Lady: Dammit, how many times have I told you? Don't lick the bird shit!

Guy: Dude, I think I just farted on a model.

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this Q train is currently making local stops due to the 12 cups of snow outside.

Dude: No way, fuck , wind!
Girl: Sometimes you can't see love, but you can feel it. It's like the wind.
Asian girl: Whoa! It's raining ice!
Girl: They look slutty. Slutty people don't get cold.
Hobo: This weather crazy. Father Nature caught Mother Nature cheatin' on him, got mad, and dropped some damn snow on us!
Girl: ...I mean, who doesn't like being warm? It's not like they call it "Global Sweltering"! So who cares?
Conductor: Again, the delay is due to the 12 cups of snow outside.

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I'm shopping with my mom, and she's shopping for !

Lady cop: Usually my bedroom is off-limits but I let my son go read in there the other night and I walk in and he's going though my drawers and he found my dildo ...And he knew what it was, too!
Guy: Dude, if they ever ask you for a massage, don't get one. They strap this weird dildo thing on their hands and then rub it all over your face. Then it makes this chuga chuga chuga sound. It's ridiculous.
Girl: No, I've upgraded. This one's named Excalibur. It's a Rabbit.
Guy: Man. Stimulated by a 50 cent banana.
Girl: I don't know, all I remember is that when I woke up in the morning there was a cucumber with your menstrual blood on it.

Queer #1: So, what did you think of him?
Queer #2: I don't see what he sees in him.
Queer #1: And he's poor.
Queer #2: No! Why is he with someone that homely if he doesn't have
money?
Queer #1: And did you see his teeth?
Queer #2: There isn't enough money for me to stick my dick in that
mouth.

Tourist lady #1: Excuse me, can you tell us how to get to the corner of Madison and Park?
Man: No such place. See, those streets run--
Tourist lady #2: Oh, he doesn't know. We just came from there, so let's just go back the way we came.

Guy: Hey a six-legged lamb was born in Belgium over the weekend.
Girl: Are they sure it wasn't a four=legged spider?...I mean, a six-legged...I mean, a spider with wool?
Suit: Who needs variety when we got fucking spiderlambs?

Chick: Let's go to the other wing. I'm not that interested in seeing the modern art.
Guy: Then why are we at the Museum of Modern Art?

Worker guy: We're going to try to get the line moving quicker. Anyone who is in a group of 2 or more people, have 1 person stand in line and buy tickets. The other members of your group can go to a waiting area and you can meet them there.
Tourist guy: But what if all 3 of us want to go up to the top?

Girl #1: ...and I will totally sell you my old shuffle, cheap.
Girl #2: I don't know...
Guy: Fuck that, iTunes sucks! All iProducts suck!
Girl #2: Shh! You might offend the girl with the iPod.
Guy: Fuck her! She can't hear us with those ear things in!

Old woman: Excuse me sir, do you have the time?
Suit: 8:45.
Old woman: Is that New York time?

Little girl: I wish I could have that cookie.
Mother: It's nice to wish.

Mom: Do you know that she got into Brooklyn University? They must let everyone in there.
Dad: Brooklyn University?
Mom: Um, or maybe Long Island University? Or maybe Brooklyn University in Long Island?

Teen girl #1: Oh my god, I wanna be on !
Teen girl #2: Like the tv show?
Teen girl #1: But everything has been done already.
Teen girl #3: They could make you into a lesbian.

Girl #1: So we basically spent the entire day having sex on Sunday.
Girl #2: Oh my god! How do you get any chores done?

Girl: Well maybe you should start seeing a therapist.
Guy: I bet you they'll just say I'm paranoid.

Girl: How come you don't eat me out anymore?
Guy: You have ridiculously strong thighs.
Girl: So?
Guy: When you cum you crush my head.
Girl: Jesus, you're such a pussy.

Yuppie guy: I want to have three kids. First a boy, then two girls.
Girl: What if it doesn't happen in that order?
Yuppie guy: There are ways to make it happen.
Girl: Oh, like, different positions?

Guy #1: Hall of psychics !
Guy #2: That says "physics".

Chick #1: So I took out the butter, you know, in the butter dish.
Chick #2: And...
Chick #1: It had been an avocado, like a year ago.
Chick #2: Ew!
Chick #1: So I just skipped breakfast.
Chick #2: What did you do with it?
Chick #1: What do you mean, what did I do with it?
Chick #2: Like, did you throw the whole butter dish away or what?
Chick #1: I just put it back in the fridge.
Chick #2: Right.

Hobo: You remember me?
Bag lady: Yeah, I remember you; I don't like you.
Hobo: I still don't like you either. You still gotta wash your ass. Stop smokin' crack and wash your asshole!

Girl #1: I don't normally carry a bag of vomit with me as a weapon.
Girl #2: We should market that.

Hobo: Spare some change for the leprechaun? I just need four dollars to get back over the rainbow.

Waiter: Can I kiss your shamrocks?
Chick: I didn't come all the way from New Jersey to watch a fucking parade; I came here to drink!
Guy: Man, I am wasted.
Girl: Dude, this is the anniversary of my nipple piercing...I just wanted to say that.
Girl #1: Hey, you're not wearing green.
Girl #2: I'm not Jewish.
Girl #1: ...I thought it was Irish?
Guy: Have you ever been on the East Side on St. Paddy's day? I was there last year, and there were guys--grown men--wearing business suits and everything, just pissing in the middle of the street. It was magical.
Hobo: God bless the Irish! And God bless John Gotti too!
Robin Williams: If you're wearing a green hat like that I get to bitch-slap you.
Teen boy: Why is everyone wearing green today?
Dude on cell: Hey, it's Tim. Yeah, I had kind of a rough time getting up this morning and just wanted to say I'm sorry for anything I did last night...So how are you?

Girl #1: Well he's only ten years older than me!
Girl #2: That's almost rape! Sweetie, he's probably some sick pedophile.
Girl #1: It's not so bad...When I was sixteen he was only 24, right?
Girl #2: Well at least you're intellectual equivalents.
Girl #1: What's that?

Girl: But you're not black.
Guy: You me like I'm black.

Little boy #1: Your pants are so tight, your balls have asthma.
Little boy #2: But that's my joke...

Guy: You in need of a husband?
Woman: I've got the clap.

Girl #1: Isn't this the bar we're going to?
Girl #2: No, that place is called Barbacasue. We're going to Valley something.
Girl #1: Where does it say that?
Girl #2: Right up there, on that sign.
Girl #1: That says "barbecue", you asshole!

Dude #1: "I won't be home until after I go to the pharmacy." That's like, the third month in a row that she forgot! Well, at $2 a pill, I guess it's better than the alternative.
Dude #2: Totally...Wait, I don't get it.

Girl: The last guy she slept with was eleven inches.
Guy: Well, she is from Queens.

Girl #1: What's a pipe dream?
Girl #2: ...It's like a farfetched dream.
Girl #1: Yeah, I always thought it was, like, an idea someone got when they were high and they thought it was a good idea at the time because...you know, they were stoned.
Girl #2: You're retarded.

Guy: I don't get it. C-Town has more of a selection!
Girl: ...I don't know why you have to ruin this experience for me.

Girl #1: When I got on the bus today, there was a needle on the seat next to me and I didn't know what to do with it!
Girl #2: Yeah, there could have been syphilis on it or something...
Girl #1: Yeah, I was thinking more like AIDS, but sure.

Power walker guy: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Power walker lady: Yeah, 27.
Power walker guy: How many?
Power walker lady: I am number 14 of 28 children.

Old lady: Excuse me, are you a half Hindu?
Desi girl: No, I'm a full Hindu.
Old lady: Well, I just love Krishna.
Desi girl: Who's Krishna?

Girl #1: What did she just say?
Girl #2: She said "quesadilla".
Girl #1: Huh?
Girl #2: It's Latin.

Guy #1: And I didn't even go to first base with her. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Guy #2: Yeah. We were with the ugliest girls in the world that night.

Girl #1: You should date the Jew; he would take you out to dinner and then they bone you.
Girl #2: Oh, as opposed to the Catholic ones that we just bone and skip dinner altogether?

Old man: Life is just a game.
Dude: Totally.
Old man: Some people do crosswords, I wake up in the morning.

Queer: It's happening again. My eye is twitching.
Guy: No, I don't see anythinig. are you sure?
Queer: I'm sure. I can feel it. I can feel it but no one can see it. It's twitching.
Guy: I don't see it.
Queer: It's not my eyeball, it's here. This is gross.
Guy: Yeah, i just don't see it.
Queer: It is so disturbing. This happens to Sheila, too, and no one else can see. Only it's half of her face.

Guy #1: It's witch-tit cold out here.
Guy #2: "Witch-tit cold"? What the fuck is that?
Guy #1: It's like "cold as a witch's teat", but updated for the 21st century.

Guy #1: So I was standin' in front of the door in the train the other day, and this old lady shoves me like three times when the doors opened. I stepped aside to look at her and I pushed her like this.
Guy #2: What did she do?
Guy #1: She just looked and me and walked out. Fucking bitch!

Cashier chick #1: Girl, I had a dream last night that I was pregnant!
Cashier chick #2: Damn girl, don't you know that mean someone is gonna die?
Cashier chick #1: Oh no. I don't want no one in my family to die. Except my grandma.

Teen boy #1: I hear that girls don't like muscles, anyways.
Teen boy #2: Well, not creepy ones.

Woman #1: They done got my paycheck wrong again. I'm so upset.
Woman #2: How'd they do that this time?
Woman #1: I don't know, with computers these days, you type in one thing wrong and it ain't gonna come out right.
Woman #2: Y'know, it's those young girls in the office that don't pay no attention to what they're doin'.
Woman #1: You're right! They have their fake press-on nails and damn fake hair. And they spend all day running their fake nails through their fake hair instead of watching the keyboard.
Woman #2: Oh, you're just jealous.

Visitor lady #1: What was the name of your vibrator? Was it Pedro or Paco?
Visitor lady #2: No, it was my first one: Sergei.
Visitor lady #1: What? Why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?
Patient guy: ...My first 's name was Pedro.

Lady #1: I didn't know what to do, so I took a used tissue out. But I
was so embarrassed.
Lady #2: It's better than letting it drip on the table.
Lady #1: Yeah...
Lady #2: Sometimes the office gets so hot, people come in tank tops.
Lady #1: I know.
Lady #2: One time I went to a meeting and a drip of sweat fell from my head. I was mortified.
Lady #1: Oh my god.
Lady #2: Now I make sure I stand in an air-conditioned room for 15
minutes before going to a meeting. That was one of the most terrible days of my life.

Guy: Why do they put peas in the fried rice? Peas and carrots? I don't want that in my fried rice.
Girl: Because it's vegetable fried rice.
Guy: That's what the egg is for.
Girl: Egg is not a vegetable. Wait...What is it? Dairy? It should be meat, because if you let it go it will be meat.
Guy: I think it's produce.

Dad: Do you know what a eunuch is?
Teen boy: Sure, it's a place in Germany.
Dad: No, it is a man whose balls have been cut off.
Teen boy: In Germany?

Girl: Hey, what's this about?
Guy: Uh, it's a documentary.
Girl: So they just march around?

Chick: So do you wear briefs or boxers?
Dude: You mean panties?
Chick: No, you know, briefs.
Dude: Boxers. I wear boxers. Adult males don't wear panties. Panties are for girls.
Chick: Why you call 'em panties?
Dude: That's what we call 'em in jail.

Teen girl #1: Yeah, it's totally true. I heard it on the olive branch.
Teen girl #2: "Olive branch"?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, you know. It's going around...It's a rumor. The olive branch.
Teen girl #2: You mean the grape branch?

Suit: He's cute...What'd he say?
Mom: He was askin' you where your fronts are at.

Chick #1: Who's that actress who plays Blanche Devereaux?
Chick #2: Rue McClanahan!
Chick #1: Okay, you can say it. You're not drunk enough yet.

Girl #1: I don't like that picture. It looks like I just had sex.
Girl #2: Yeah, and I look like I just had it with you.

Lady #1: Look at me. I'm taking Percocet and drinking red wine.
Lady #2: I think they call that a Napa Valley speedball.

Little girl #1: That's a pooty.
Little girl #2: My mom has one with gray hair.

Dude #1: Yo, what's up?
Dude #2: I know what's going up.
Dude #1: The price of stamps?
Dude #2: This elevator don't go down till the passengers get off. A samurai won't sheath their sword without the taste of blood...Fool, my penis! Damn, you just broke the elevator. Way to go, homo.

Guy #1: Last summer I was hangin' out in Richmond for a weekend and me and some other people were havin' a party and someone gave me and this girl a pill and told us it was painkillers.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? Sounds like...fun.
Guy #1: Well the next day, after we had had sex in a pool in front of like 30 people for about 10 hours, the girl who told us it was painkillers told us it was actually Cialis.

B&T girl: Oh my god, is that Kramer?
B&T guy: Oh yeah, hey, I think it is.
Man: That's Elliott fucking Gould.

Loudspeaker hijacker #1: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. The monkey bit the conductor.
Loudspeaker hijacker #2: Ladies...and gentlemen--Awoo!--please extinguish all crack pipes and prepare for lift off.

Chick #1: Hey, who was Yasser Arafat?
Chick #2: Uh, wasn't he the president of Mexico?
Chick #1: Kill me.

Vendor guy: Yo man, you 420 friendly? Here, here; here's my card. Call me up.
Girl: , yeah sure. Can I get my change?
Vendor guy: Oh, right, right. Sure.
Dude: Hey man, can I get $4 worth of weed?
Vendor guy: What? Man. What?
Dude: $4 of weed, man.
Vendor guy: What are you talking about, man? I don't sell weed. What kind of man do you take me for? Buy $4 of weed. man. I'm offended. Especially in front of this beautiful girl. Asking for weed. Man, what's yo problem?

Guy #1: So, I had this dream about Janet Jackson last night.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: She told me, "Mitch, get your shit together".

Girl #1: Whatever, you never even let me put my feet on the furniture when I stay with you.
Girl #2: That is because your feet were covered with warts!
Girl #1: Warts that I caught from the Mother Wart that was on your foot!

Lady: When I was a kid, I would always invent things on the train. I'd tell my mom about them and then a month later they'd get invented.
Chick: Wow, really?
Lady: Yeah. It happened like three times that I talked to my mom about something on the train and then it got invented.

Dude #1: We were discussing the Holocaust in my class, and there was this really hot guy in it, and all I could think about was fucking him.
Dude #2: Fucking a guy in the Holocaust? Ew.

Receptionist lady: Don't you be sayin' my whole name; I'm on America's Most Wanted !

Asian girl: Yeah, he texted me and called me "Buttsnatch". I was like, "That's not very nice."
Hipster girl: I'm sorry, I can't remember your last name. Oh my god, I've missed you!
Guy on cell: I'm coming up with a new character; I'm going call her Buttertits.
Drunk girl: I don't even know my initials.
Store guy: Hey Mike, who is your favorite Alice besides Alice Cooper?
Guy: Yeah! This one coke dealer I met was like, "Hey! My name is James, but you can call me Negro." I didn't like him.
Teen girl: Her parents named her Ahbsidy, like spelled A-b-c-d.

Guy: That's why people like me: for my vagina-cleansing properties.

Dude: Nah, son, it smell like . Like sweaty, hot, female pussy.
Chick: Did you see that person with the strap-on vagina?
Guy: You know, if she throws that cooter in your face you're gonna be eating cooter for dinner tonight.
Chick: I just talked about rimming and clitoral stimulation on an academic panel. How do you I feel?
Lawyer guy: She was sitting there spread-eagle...and all my friends got a glimpse of the gobbler.
Woman: I have every confidence in her as a person, but that doesn't extend to her being able to contract her vaginal muscles into the shape of a whooping crane.
Lesbian: My clit isn't that big, but it is perfect. It's very active.

Dowager: Today was the first day I took a Celebrex since the pogo stick thing.

Girl on cell: So I went to the gynecologist today...Yeah, it was cool...She, like, fingered me.
Security lady: You don't need no doctor's note to shave your ass.
Hipster girl: It sucks that it's due to brain cancer, but I am just so glad to have some time off.
Teen guy: ...and then he got in trouble for taking hemorrhoids!
Guy: I wonder if you cut your eyelids off, if they'd still prescribe you sleeping medication?
Girl on cell: So what are you supposed to do if you have pink eye, anyway?
Guy: I don't want to get a yeast infection.
IV guy: I have a midterm in an hour. Can you take this out?
Girl on cell: So I went to see the doctor...He said it's just really stretched out, and bruised, you know, from the popping out?

Suit on cell: It's sex: somebody's always taking advantage of someone else...Oh shit, this girl just gave me a look. That's gonna be on Overheard tomorrow, I just know it.

Lawyer guy: So I was walking past a busy high school, folowing this big, middle-aged guy 'cause he was cutting a swathe through all the teens. Then then he stopped dead and I almost walked into him. I checked to see why he had stopped, and he was making out with a teen!
Carriage chick: You was still with your wife when you was fucking me, right?
Chick: That's like our little routine. We have sex and then I stand on his back and crack it. Just like that: sex, crack. Sex, crack.
Man: Hey, ladies...Want to have a twosome?
Girl: ...but I have a taser, so if he says anything I don't like, I can just zap him.
Guy: We met up with these girls last week and hooked up with one of their friends in the bathroom. We then went to her friends and told them we tagged teamed her. , they were pissed.
Woman: When I woke up next to my boyfriend I thought, "Thank god it's not a cabbie."
Girl: Yeah, I'm so done with Manhattan. 3 or 4 years and you're totally over it...Manhattan is your high school boyfriend.
Girl on cell: I really want you to come over tonight. I'll even wash your underwear by hand if you do.
Man: I don't know I married.
Girl on cell: Yeah, I didn't fucking know what the balls was going on...Yeah, I guess I'll go to prom with Louis.
Chick: No, I'm single, but I have a really good relationship with myself.

Hobo: Yeah man, that's good shit. Except for those white-ass American bandstand drummers. Whoever heard of fucking Clark Kent playing bongos?

Hobo: Yo! Can I have my skateboard back?
Hobo: I haven't had good German food since I was in Milwaukee.
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I will only take a minute of your time. I am homeless and have no money and it is cold tonight. I only ask you for some spare change, a nickel or a dime so I can get something to eat tonight. I am homeless because I lost my job and I don't drink, do drugs, pot, smoke the crack or shoot the heroin.
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Whatever you can spare would be greatly appreciated. No money donation is too small. Just fold it and put it in the can.
Girl: I gave some Willie Nelson-looking hobo playing a guitar a Sacajawea coin, and he dedicated "Lady in Red" to me. It was so sweet!
Hobo: I don't know. The only thing I know about LaToya is she a nice ass. A nice ass and some nice titties.
Hobo: Tell your boyfriend he don't gotta play lotto no more; he done hit the jackpot!
Hobo: Don't mess with me man, I've smoked $5,000 worth of crack since September.
Hobo: It's just like CeCe Peniston said: "Keep on walkin', I ain't talkin' to you." Gonna get rid of this black-assed coat, get me a nice brown one. I don't even care if it don't fit.
Hobo: You wanna be a millionaire? All you gotta do is get one dollar from one million people. And then you'll be a self-made millionaire.
Hobo: VCRS are history man, it's all about DVDs.
Hobo: Damn girl, you like a miniature Beyonce Caucasian-style.
Hobo: Chocolate matzoh ball. Chocolate matzoh ball. Chocolate matzoh ball magazine. Now I heard of chocolate and I heard of matzoh but I ain't never heard of no chocolate matzoh ball magazine. Conde Nast building. 4 Times Square. Chocolate matzoh ball magazine.

Teen boy: Yo, I got the munchies, B...Yo, what happened to the guys with candy and shit? Shit was mad convenient.

Old man: Come on, I'll take you out for a nice dinner: I'll take you to the Russian Tea Room!
Girl: I love ranch dressing. I put ranch dressing on stuff like it's my job.
Guy: Pasta is really tricky. I broke up with a girlfriend in a fight over pasta once.
Woman: Aw! Where's my bagel? They forgot to put in my bagel!...Don't worry I'm not crazy. I'm just talking to myself, that's all.
Man: That Mr. Frosty shit isn't real. It's fake. It's made up of like sugar and air and foam, stuff like that. It's not ice cream.
Latina: Everytime he smoke he expect me get him whatever he wanna eat. He just smoke a blunt and now he wants me to bring him a hamburger...Do I look like a fuckin' McDonalds?
Chick: Oh my god, yeah. Like, donuts are fried and so are beignets. Oh! And potato chips are fried, too. They're really bad for you.
Dude: So I was looking in the freezer, right? And I pulled out this chicken that expired in 2004. The date on it was like, April 2004. But that's the thing about fresh chicken that you get wrapped up at the store. There's no frozen date, you know?
PA: Attention, please! May I have your attention, please? This is the fire safety director. The alarm on the 20th was caused by... burning toast in the toaster in the 20th floor pantry. Again, the alarm was caused by burning toast.
Guy: Yo, chipotle is the truth, my nigga.
Chick: I'm sorry, anyone that orders strawberry flavored coffee should
die.
Teen girl: Look, goat meat is twenty-four dollars a pound and steak is two ninety-nine a pound? How can that be?
Chick: So at like 12 o'clock she said, "Fuck, I don't have any icing," and, "Fuck, I'll like do a fucking Martha Stewart," so she made her own.
Girl: Do you have any chocolate chip ice cream without the chocolate chips in it?
Man: It would be so much easier if there were a Red Lobster here.
Bus driver: I'm fine all day, and this the only corner makes my pressure rise...I hate Junior's and all it stands for. Nasty-ass cheesecake.
Mom: We'd like the walnut lentil pate. Is that popular with children?
Woman: Ugh! It smells like a plate of hot ass and salami in here!

Dude on cell: She was a size 16 before the baby, but now she's a 32. She went from Kermit the Frog to Snuffleupagus!...What size are you?

Girl: Katie looks really great. You know, for being anorexic and everything.
Teen boy: Girl, you so fat you need Botox.
Man: No, I don't think you're fat. It went limp because I was thinking about all the other guys you've slept with.
Guy: Damn girl, I'd kidnap you, but you too thick!
Girl: Oh my god, Jen...You could be skinny. I remember when you were skinny. You had such a great body. I was so jealous of you. Not anymore, though. But you really could be skinny...Omigod I'm sorry; are you offended? I'm just saying...You used to have a really great body!
Drunk guy: Yeah, she was so, so, skinny and I don't get it 'cause she wouldn't stop eating Big Macs.
Guy on cell: All I'm saying, is that you never should have let him sit down in front of that fat bastard.
Girl: Jimmy was trying to set him up with you, but I told him that you don't date outside your BMI.
Guy on cell: Yeah dude she's hot, totally your type...Ah, brown hair. Yeah, she used to be really anorexic...I don't think so, she's put on some weight...Like a coupla pounds...No man, she's still hot.
Grandma: ...It's going to take 10 cops to pull my skinny butt off of your little skinny butt. Yeah, how does that sound?...That's it, no food for you for the rest of the night!

Girl on cell: Oh my God, I am like so uncoherent today.

Girl: I've been busy dissertationing.
Drunk guy: The thing about the next big thing is that it's going to be the next big thing.
Woman: It's not obvious enough that you couldn't say it, but it obvious enough that you had to start with "it goes without saying"?
Chick on cell: I was like, "Oh?" And she was like, "Blah, blah, blah."
And I was like, "Huh?"
Teen girl: Yeah, I always have trouble with 7's for some reason...They are really hard letters.
Woman: What, no English? You don't speak English? Why you say you don't speak English? You know what motherfucker means!
Dude: Yeah, that guy thinks he's oblivious.
Doorman guy: Do you think I'm stupid because I work here? I know a lot of big words.
Elle Ron Hubtard: I don't want to put words in your mouth or anything, but...
Man: You know how when you're appointed, you feel let down because something that you expected to happen, didn't happen; like, it didn't happen as appointed? That must be the original meaning of disappointed, how it was used in the past. Like "ruthless". You never hear anyone today talk about having ruth, but in the past they must have used it like that.
Teen girl: Wait, what's the intifada? Wait, do any of you speak Spanish?
Dude on cell: See, we were what you call the goats...You ever heard that expression?
Girl: I think "y'all" is singular. "Y'alls" is plural.
Teen girl: That guy was femininish.

Teen girl on cell: ...Can you believe he wanted me to stick my hand in there and touch it?...Yeah, I did it...Oh, it was huge! He said it was really big, but damn! And it's long, too!...Uh, the head is an
average size, I guess...I like how it feels...Okay, why is the spotlight on me?...Different people are giving me that "what the fuck" look...Oh, shit! Ha, ha, ha! You're right. Hold on...Chill, everyone! I'm talking about my boyfriend's pet snake, not his
penis...Okay, continue.

Mom: Are you tickling that woman? Are you trying to give her a tickle-tickle? Honey, it's just not a good idea to tickle people you don't know.
Little girl: He says you can buy him for free and you only have to touch him on the neck and tickle him a little.
Girl on phone: Whatever, she could totally do it with one hand. There were two girls in my school with only one hand.
Guy: I have a sphincter in my finger.
Girl: I'm not saying touching a motherfucker's foot ain't intimate, but...

Mother: Hmm...remind me to make a stop at The Home Depot on the way home. Your father said he needed a stripper to remove some paint.

Girl: I want to be poor so I can take a job as a dominatrix!
Man on cell: Don't you have any hookers with ?
Chick: You know, I was once offered millions of dollars to be a stripper.
Girl: I better be a stripper if I'm going to walk 16 blocks!
Store guy: See, my father and my uncle were pimps. And my grandfather and his father before him were assistant pimps.
Hag: Totally. I mean, did you see the balls on that stripper? They
were hanging so low, they were like chipmunk balls!

Girl on cell: ...And I was like, "Good thing you think I'm pregnant."

Lady on cell: I hear sex is even better when you're pregnant. 'Cause you're, like, horny and huge.
Bouncer: She doesn't have an ID, but she's pregnant. Can I let her in?
Hipster girl: If I ever get pregnant, I will be freaking out the whole time.
Catholic girl: It's my mom's fault really; she smoked a lot of weed when she was pregnant with me.
Lady: ...and as it turns out, the demon got her pregnant.
Teen girl: I don't wanna be pregnant though and go through all that. I just wanna one, ya know?

Girl: If anybody is gonna bring back the cape it will probably be a
lesbian.

Woman: What? I'm supposed to watch a lesbian show just because I am one? I don't watch any black shows either.
Black chick: If I sit down and you can see my ass it ain't cool...Unless you a lesbian or something.
Teen boy: You're stupid, and retarded, and gay, and lesbian.

Girl: Well I didn't know his grandma was a real-life lesbian.
Woman: So I turned a group of 7 year old girls completely bulldyke today.
Hobo: If a woman tells you what to do, she is a lesbian.

Hobo: Nickel? Dime?
Yuppie guy: I can't hear you, asshole.

Teen boy #1: Man, I tell you, da reason France don't want us in Iraq is dat dey know the second we done in Baddad we is headed right over the border and straight into Paris.
Teen boy #2: Nigga, you'se is ignorant. Iraq ain't next to no France.
Teen boy #1: Nah man, I ain't sayin it is right up on France, but, you know, it goes Iraq, Germany, some otha country, France, so it is close.
Teen boy #2: Ain't you eva seen no map? I'ma gonna show you when we get to school. That shit is in Africa, between Lidia and Egypt.
Guy: I asked you if you knew where he lived; you pointed to !
Girl: Well, I don't know. How was I supposed to know?
Guy: Iraq is not the same as Israel.

Chick #1: Oh, you're wearing your hair open today!
Chick #2: "Open"?
Chick #1: Well, you know what I mean...
Chick #2: Oh, yeah. It's open like a brothel.
Chick #1: What?
Chick #2: It's open like a .

Chick: Omigod, look, it's a moose! It's like, a moose rampant.
Guy: Where? Dude, that's a rhino.
Chick: No, the moose is next to it.
Guy: It doesn't look like a moose. It looks like a buck.
Chick: Well, whether it's a buck or a moose, there should not be a
rhino in that forest.
Guy: Agreed.
Chick: Oh man, now they're raving!
Bag lady: Excuse me, you got any change?

Man: Want to "hang out"? I have a six pack.
Girl: Uh...no. I am at work. I can't hang out now.
Man: I am not a cop...Baby, I shouldn't have said that. Sorry.

Girl #1: I am, like, so obsessed with Asian guys. He is so great. I would so date him.
Girl #2: Date him? But he's gay.
Girl #1: Those are my favorite kind of Asians.

Guy #1: I'm thinking of doing bio-medical engineering.
Guy #2: Isn't that where people create animals--
Guy #1: No, you dumbass film major.

Chick: How come we're always talking about how the Jews were persecuted? Lots of people have been persecuted. My people have been persecuted, too.
Professor guy: Um...This is "Introduction to Jewish-American Literature".
Chick: ...Yeah, but still.

Chick: Professor, Dr. Roberts is looking for you.
Professor lady: No, she's looking for the lobster.

Hobo: I'm trying to get something to eat.
Suit: Well, you're obviously not going to be that successful without having any money.

Girl: You feed the rats?
Man: It's not the rat's fault it's a rat.
Girl: Yeah, but rats carry diseases.
Man: So do most chicks.

Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: I have no idea.
Girl #1: So you're not Snuffleupagus?
Girl #2: No, I'm not.
Hobo: Ask her if she's horny!
Girl #1: Are you an actor?
Girl #2: No.
Hobo: Ask her if she's horny!
Girl #1: Dammit, um--
Hobo: You might be surprised!

Chick #1: ...So, like, now he ain't got no toes!
Chick #2: He should be in National Geographic.

Girl: Is the turkey club lunchmeat or carved turkey?
Waiter: Lunchmeat.
Girl: Great. I'll take it.
Waiter: You can eat it whenever...in the morning, lunch...
Girl: Never mind, just gimme a minute.

Broker guy: So did you go to Moran's last night?
Trader guy: Nah, can't get these guys to go there. They keep trying to drag me to Light.
Broker guy: Oh yeah, you don't like the place?
Trader guy: Nah, every time I go there I feel like I gotta check my testicles at the door.

Guy #1: Did you bring your cell phone charger today?
Guy #2: Oh yeah. Like, they be giving free electricity up in here, for real.

Guy: I'll have a pretzel.
Vendor man: What kind?
Guy: Plain.
Vendor man: No salt?
Guy: No. With salt.
Vendor man: Salt is not plain.
Guy: Okay, with salt. Is that extra?
Vendor man: No, salt is salt. The other is plain. Like white people.

Woman: I don't know where we are?
Usher guy: Lady, you're in Manhattan.

Guy: We thought Cecile got the Burberry print ad.
Girl: Yeah, if she got it I was going to manage her career.
Guy: It was up between her and another dog, but I guess she lost.

Guy #1: You know the reason why human beings are not at the top of the food chain?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Pez.

Woman #1: I think you're an alcoholic.
Woman #2: I think an alcoholic.
Woman #1: What is this? An intervention for fifth-graders?

Hobo: Look at this, does this look fake?
Guy: What did you do, print it?
Hobo: Yeah! You think it looks fake?
Guy: Yes.
Hobo: Well it ain't!

Guy #1: So you don't eat beef, huh?
Guy #2: Nah, man.
Guy #1: You're that religious that you don't eat beef?
Guy #2: Yeah, I guess.
Guy #1: Well, you've got cheese on your grilled chicken, what about that?
Guy #2: What about it?
Guy #1: Well, you're killing the cow.
Guy #2: No, I'm not...
Guy #1: Oh, well, what about cows that drink cow's milk?

Blind man: Excuse me ma'am, coming through...Excuse me, miss.
Woman: Damn! Watch yourself with that fucking walking stick! Shit! And how the fuck did you know I was a woman? Can that shit tell you genders too? Ha, ha!
Blind man: Not quite, but you smell like stale fish so I figured you were a woman. Have a nice day!

Woman: So what book does she want?
Chick: She says Julius Caesar .
Woman: What's that?
Chick: Is that the title or the name of the author? Call her and ask her. I can't find it.

Girl #1: Oh thank god we're here, I feel kind of sick.
Girl #2: I know, I have emotion sickness.
Girl #1: What? You mean motion sickness?
Girl #2: No, e-motion sickness. All this time on the bus made me feel sick to my stomach.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.

Guy #1: Yo man, he ain't got no job and he don't take care of his kids.
Guy #2: I know, but he'll learn the hard way; we did.
Guy #1: He been to prison twice already; what else he got to learn?

Hobo: Spare some change, miss?
Hipster girl: I have some food. It's still warm, you want it?
Hobo: No, thanks. I'm on a special diet. I don't eat food.

Girl #1: I was thinking about getting Slim-Fast, because I thought I needed it, but now I only drink water...Oh, and orange juice!
Girl #2: ...And lots of beer and liquor.
Girl #1: Oh yeah, and lots of beer and liquor.

Woman #1: Excuse me, how do I walk to the other side of the Brooklyn Bridge?
Woman #2: Just do it.

Queer #1: I woke up this morning with a used condom hanging from my ass. Was that you?
Queer #2: You are so disgusting.

Dude #1: Going to NYU is interesting.
Dude #2: No, getting a girl pregnant is interesting.

Teen girl: I am pregnant again. How does this keep happening to me?
Teen boy: Ever thought of keeping your legs crossed?
Teen girl: How would that solve anything?
Teen boy: ?

Old man: I'm a pretty good driver when I'm drunk.
Old woman: I don't think so.
Old man: You just don't like how fast I go.
Old woman: ...I don't think so.
Old man: Oh, the endless debate. He, he, he.

Guy #1: Do you think I'm too sensitive?
Guy #2: I...uh...don't understand the question.

Tech guy #1: I left my bike at the PATH station over the weekend.
Tech guy #2: Was it stolen?
Tech guy #1: No, but all the wheels are missing.

Man: But I'm just not attracted to you. You're like a sister to me.
Woman: But I'm not your sister. And besides, you know, me and my sister fooled around when we were little.
Man: Hmmm, let's see. After this we could go get a drink, or I could go home and think about how much I'm not attracted to you...
Woman: I mean think about it...Hypothetical incest. Predetermined lust, undeformed children.

Paralegal chick #1: You have any plans for tonight?
Paralegal chick #2: Yeah, I'm going on a date with a girl I met online.
Paralegal chick #1: Oh. I didn't know that you're a lesbian.
Paralegal chick #2: I'm not.

Teen girl #1: I have worn this shirt three times in my entire life, and every time I do she wears the exact same one.
Teen girl #2: That's because she's a slut.

Girl #1: I am just gonna risk it and pray I get my period.
Girl #2: Just a warning, I did that once and the consequences--I'm not gonna lie--weren't fun but it only cost 15 dollars.

Girl: Wow, last night I was so drunk. I can't believe that I got so
wasted off only a pint of gin. In first year I could drink like twice that amount and party all night.
Guy: So you were hardcore then?
Girl: Naw, I wasn't hardcore, I was just an idiot.
Guy: Have you ever drank the worm?
Girl: Oh, hell yeah. And that's hardcore 'cause I'm a vegetarian.

Hobo: Do you have any spare change?
Guy #1: No.
Hobo: Fuck you, you fuckin' faggot.
Guy #2: Actually, he's the straight one, and you should be nicer if you expect people to give you money.
Hobo: Fuckin' faggot, you ain't got nothin on me!

Girl #1: She told me she could get wine stains out of the suede...
Girl #2: Wow, did she?
Girl #1: When I came to pick it up there was a big red stain and I said, "What the fuck is this?"--like that--and she just looked at me all dumb.
Girl #2: What, was she Chinese or something?
Girl #1: No, she was normal.
Guy: We're all wearing jeans. We all have black hair.
Chick: We're all Asian.
Guy: We are? I thought we were just normal?

Girl: I wish I hadn't eaten those pancakes for breakfast. I feel sick. Thanks a lot.
Guy: "Thanks a lot"? All you wanted to do this morning was eat pancakes!
Girl: What? I just wanted oatmeal. You are the one who woke up and said, "Yay! Let's make pancakes!" You are the one who wanted them!
Guy: That's because last night you said you wanted pancakes!
Girl: Oh. I was drunk.

Dad: All I know is right now, somewhere, an artist is sitting back and laughing at us.
Little girl: Or if he's in Australia, he might be sleeping.

Girl: Ah! there's a cockroach under the table.
Guy: Where are you going?
Girl: Leaving. I'll be outside. Just pay the tab.
Guy: Okay.
Waiter: ...Hey, where'd your date go?
Guy: She saw a cockroch and bolted.
Waiter: Yeah, we get that a lot.

Chick #1: We can watch Lackawanna Blues tonight.
Chick #2: I can't watch another black movie. I watched one last night.
Chick #1: What'd you watch last night?
Chick #2: .

Black chick #1: You know what's the funniest birthday card I ever read?
Black chick #2: What?
Black chick #1: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, happy birthday to you, I hope you bust a nut."
Black chick #2: Yeah, on your birthday you gotta cum.

Little boy: Hurry up, hurry up, mommy! We don't want to be late for the party!
Mom: Honey, there no party to be late for.

Hipster chick: Excuse me! Back door!
Bus driver: No, I am sorry, we are almost at the next stop.
Hipster chick: Fuck off, fucker!
Bus driver: Okay, that's it, we are so crashing right now!

Chick: Today is such a good day; my class was cancelled, it's sunny, I'm so relaxed.
Guy: Yeah, and I fucked the shit out of you.
Chick: Yeah, I love you.

Suit #1: Hey, did we ever find out how Chris Penn died?
Suit #2: Yeah. He died of being a big, fat fuck.

Businessman lady: I'll have a light latte please, with brown sugar. You have brown sugar, don't you?
Countergirl: Um, no.
Businessman lady: Well, then give me your finest, finest grade sugar, all right?
Countergirl: Oh. Sure.

Little girl: What's London?
Teen girl: London is a country in Europe.
Little girl: In Newark?

Spanish guy: Life is shit. You never know. Shit is shit. If you're already smart and you make a computer, it'll be fucking smart like in the movie . The devil at work like in Six Days with Schwarzenegger. Movies are like real 'n shit. It's bin Laden and that fucking Hussein, they're in cohoots 'n shit. They want to make us like them...a third world country 'n shit.
Spanish guy: College don't mean nothin' 'cause you could fucking graduate with papers and shit, then someone's friend gets the goddam job 'n shit. It don't matter 'bout college 'cause that fuckin' asshole makes $70,000 so you got the college paper and that don't mean shit.
Spanish guy: Best burgers is Burger King, but White Castle is the jam.
Spanish girl: Ew, no!
Spanish guy: No man, that shit is good, but only when the meat is fresh 'n shit. Like they just cook it now 'n shit. The only thing is if the bread is old 'n shit or if too many onions 'n shit. Yo, I made 50 bucks from my brother-in-law when I ate 53 'n shit. He ate 50. That was when I was husky 'cause I played football 'n shit.

Girl: I accidentally bent my MetroCard and now it won't swipe.
MTA guy: How do you accidentally bend it?
Girl: Um, I didn't mean to...
MTA guy: Did you want me to replace this card with a new one that's not bent?
Girl: Yeah, that would be great.
MTA guy: Because we don't do that.

Girl #1: We need to think of a nationality for me.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because at parties people always ask me what I am and I feel so boring saying "white".
Girl #2: Say you're Australian.
Girl #1: And Argentinian. I'm gonna be Australian and Argentinian.

Tourist guy #1: What's going on?
Tourist guy #2: Apparently someone is a motherfucker.

Girl #1: Yo, if I had a baby and it was really ugly, I'd say flat out, "That baby is ugly," and I'd have to try again.
Girl #2: Naw. Just dress it up good, no one will know.

Guy #1: Did you know Bush agreed to share nuclear technology with the Indians?
Guy #2: Why do Indians need it? Oklahaoma is already a part of the US.
Guy #1: Dude, Indians as in citizens of India, a country in Asia.
Guy #2: I was never good at history.
Guy #1: You mean geography.
Guy #2: Asshole.

Teen boy: You're just a little nigger.
Teen girl: Quit playin'.
Teen boy: I will break your fucking fingers, you little nigger.
Teen girl: But--
Teen boy: Shut the fuck up! I'll fucking kill you. I'll punch you right in the mouth in front of all these gay fucking white people. What do you have to say?
Teen girl: I--
Teen boy: Shut the fuck up! You think I won't? You don't think I'm man enough, do you? I'll hurt you so bad. I'll fuck you up. You think I won't?
Teen girl: You will!
Teen boy: I won't?
Teen girl: You will!
Teen boy: I won't?
Teen girl: You will!
Teen boy: That's right. All you wanna do is sleep all day. You wanna go to bed right now and sleep for four days, 24/7. Fucking worthless. You should fucking die for that.

Latina: People are always saying I look Asian. Do you see it?
Asian guy: Well, you know, Mexicans look a lot like Asians.
White girl: Yeah, they have those same narrow eyes.
Asian guy: And they're short.

Man: You'd better get out of the way.
Hobo: It'll be $3 to get off the train.
Man: I'm getting off this train if I have to climb over you.
Hobo: Climbing over me is $5.

Guy: It's not that I'm against marriage. I mean, I like weddings.

Drunk lady: Hey! It's 10PM. Has anyone seen my husband?
Hasidic guy on cell: She told me she wants to make it with 2 cock and a pussy...What can I say? She's my wife, I want her to be happy.
Chick on cell: He's marrying her ? The last I heard, he said she had a big ass!
Guy: It's either have lots of kids or marry lots of women...
Girl on phone: Oh my god, you just got engaged ? Aw...That's so exciting...Wait...Did you say ? Oh wow, so you like have a ring?
Woman on cell: Yeah, I'm covered on his insurance even though we're not married...I know! We are domestic partners. And we're not even gay!
Woman: I tried to break up with him for four years and never managed; that's why we got married.

Woman: Actually, now that I think about it, I guess I've had sex in both of the Sheratons.

Guy: I got laid 4 times, and I got 23 of the guys laid. I was like you, Blondie, go with him. You two dames over there, go with this guy...You know, Marv makes things happen.
Teen girl: I wanted to fuck his eyes!
Drunk girl: I fucking love you! I wanna fuck your face!
Girl on cell: And he kept saying, "I don't wanna use a condom this time" and yada yada, so I was like, "Whatever, let's just do it, then"...I was tired of arguing with him.
Guido: So I finally hit that 17 year old the other day.
Meathead: If I don't come back with a spring break STD I'm going to be disappointed with myself.
Teen girl: Suck my fallopian tubes.
Guy: Man, his semen is so backed up, when he does fuck her, he's gonna kill her!

Girl: Yeah, so, did you hear that the bald eagle isn't extinct anymore?

Lady: Oh, look, how funny! That alligator's eating a baby.
Nursing chick: What should I do? That lady is complaining of ?
WASP woman: People like shouldn't have animals. They don't know how to them.
Woman on phone: It's about bugs. Well, it's about burying bugs.
Chick: But I've always wanted to tell you, you're a peacock to me. I mean, you remind me of a peacock. Never mind.
Redneck guy: But we'll never know, because cows don't live that long.
Chick: Oh my god, you guys! If you ever wanted to be a penguin, this movie will totally make you think twice about it.
Guy: Yo, that nigga is a pyromaniac. He lights animals and shit on fire; I seen it! And one time he lit an animal on fire and you know, I got angry.
Man: Why do New Yorkers sound like when they talk?
Lady: She always loved the ratboy best.
Spanish guy: I see you walking all those dogs. What is that called, again?
Lawyer guy: Well, I've never seen a black bear that could suck its own cock, but I have seen one take a shit.

Guy: The only reason she was hanging out with those dudes is because she was hoping that one of them would kill me...But that's neither here nor there.

Old woman: It's not a lifecycle, it's a deathcycle.
Guy: Here's my issue...I have to get to work, and you're playing dead on the subway!
Drunk girl: I don't want a cookie. I want a piece of toilet paper, and I want to kill myself. In that order. I don't want to have to pee when I'm killing myself.
Hipster guy: What if you woke up on morning and came outside and saw a man hanging on one of those bayonets above people's heads? Just some dead guy?
Girl: No, it should have disintegrated by now, except for, like, the bones and stuff. I'm so excited!
Woman: No, honey, the murder happened before the renovation.
Guy: He wants to kill himself by getting a Ferrari, a really expensive pair of leather pants, like, that cost $1000, a lot of coke that he'll put in the back of the car, and then, you know, go off a cliff.
Old woman: Yeah, I wouldn't mind being buried there.
Queer: My whole family's dropping dead and I'm just tanning.

Girl: I know you're not religious, but do you believe in dinosaurs?

Hobo: You think you'll be young forever. Time flies by like lightning...Like lightning and thunder. Just like Jesus.
Artist guy: My roommates and I built shelves for our loft this weekend. It didn't take long, though...All we have are computer books and bibles.
Goth guy: I am really weird. Like you know how like when people's conscience is talking to them how there is the angel over one
shoulder and then the devil over the other? Well for me it is penguins. The one on the left is good and like he has a name tag that says "good"...And the one on the right is a gothic penguin with fangs and one wing. Well, not really one wing; it's more like one wing and a stump.
Drunk guy: No, really, if there is a God, he that party...Is forsook a word?
Girl: Please, I friended God on MySpace last night.
Hipster guy: It was like, way underground. I think it was in Hell.
Crazy guy: God is not shit. He is immortal and he will hurt you.
Woman: He just wanted me to be, like, this Christian warrior that I just was .
Drunk woman: You are all a bunch of cocksuckers! You are Christian Rock without God!
Woman: I wish Jesus could taste better.
Girl: And then he said, "You should try this toothpaste, it's awesome...It's like the Messiah came in your mouth."
Teen girl: Jesus wasn't white, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If his dad was black with nappy hair, what'd you think his son gonna look like?

Hobo: You want to see the ugliest person...Look over there at the lady in the brown coat. Don't look though, it could be scary. It'll electrify ya. Scare ya stiff. That, my friends, is ugly.

Girl: You should appreciate what you have because some people don't have noses.
Chick: Why is that girl supposed to be pretty? I mean, why look at her at all?
Guy: girl, you fine! Your hair is beautiful. I'll let you brush mine if I can brush yours.
Girl: Nice pictures! They look nothing like you.
Dude: Why even look at an eight, nine or ten, when you can fuck a four or a five?
Cashier chick: My eyes were burning he was so ugly, I swear.
Guy: I saw a more attractive version of you on the street today.

Girl: , when my grandmother see me in this, she gone have a strizzoke!

Queer: This is not a scarf. It's a man-pashmina.
Woman: Well, my hat guy is over there.
Man: Keep an eye on my purse.
Girl: That guy in the subway told me I shouldn't be wearing sunglasses 'cause I won't get enough air since you breathe out your eyes.
Queer: Yeah, but that's like those fake Louis Vuitton purses you see those whores with clear heels carrying. They're cute but not .
Guy: Is that coat too rabbinical?
Dude: She has the amazing ability to make even the most fabulous outfit look totally ordinary.
Guy: I didn't really see this on your resume, but, you managed to find time to cheat on a guy for over a year, but you don't have 2 hours to go suit shopping?
Guy: Your earrings are big enough to fit my scrotum through.

Man on pay phone: Naw, naw! You gotta tell him! We ain't down with the broomstick!

Cabbie on cell: Oh shit! You did that right in front of your girlfriend ?...Yeah?...No fucking way!...So, how did it taste?...Salty?
Chick on cell: I will dip my cookies in your tears.
Man: I'm making a quilt, motherfucker.
Mom: Honey, you can't let a vacuum cleaner ruin your day.
Guy on cell: Yeah, you can braid...But can you macrame?
Chick: ...Well, I know he's worried I'm gonna like shove it in an oven.
Guy: First I'm gonna tell her I love her, then I'm gonna cook her some ribs.
Girl: They were making out on a sewing machine.

Yuppie lady: When all is said and done, I was drunk in Banana Republic...

Drunk guy: I wanna be a lady!
Promoter guy: Hey do any of you guys like comedy? Come on, we can go get drunk, pick up some drunk girls, then bang then after the show.
Lady: I am tipsy. I just want one more glass of wine! It's because I'm stressed...No, it's not. I just want another glass of wine.
Chick on phone: They really need to have places where you can get drunk with your pet. That would be so much fun.
Woman: I'm not drunk; I'm Jewish !
Chick on cell: I thought that we might go out drinking so I brought my diaphragm.
Girl: I'm going to a gay bar. I'm getting really drunk, and I'll try my best to keep my clothes on.
Girl: I'm the kind of person that goes to group meetings drunk. Because I can't handle it.
Guy: If I'm drunk enough for karaoke, I'm already passed out.

Dude: Shit man, slow down. Slow down . Whatcha runnin' to?Yoga? Nigga's runnin' to yoga. White man runnin' to yoga. Thought yoga was supposed to cure that shit.

Teen boy: Wait, do you mean NASCAR racing or running racing? I don't
care, they're both stupid.
Guy: Yo, I feel like a little girl in heels with these things or something.
Flyer guy: Slim down, slim down. Stop fucking around.
Guy on cell: I don't care who you fuck, the whole football team if that's what gets you going, just stop fucking my little brother, you fucking skank...Okay, I love you too, hon.
Guy on cell: I'm sitting here at New York Health & Racquet with a roll of fat spilling out over the edge of my Speedos. Isn't that pitiful? In case you want to visualize it, they're red Speedos. Isn't that hot?
Drunk guy: You have an L.A. smile...Do you work out 3 or 4 times a week...Yeah, I could take a cab, but I'd rather walk.
Guy: Yeah, man. You can do whatever you want in football and not get arrested. I could try to kill you right now, and nothing.

Guy: Oh my god, no art is worth this. I don't care if I get to blow Picasso, I'm not waiting in this line.

Queer: God, I can't believe I took a fucking Adderall for this...
Professor guy: This next painting is by Claude Monet. And I think that the majority of you may or may not be familiar with him.
Guy: I really just want to call it abstract realism,
Drunk girl: These flowers...they're so beautiful! I want to draw them in my sketch pad...I need to buy a sketch pad!
Man: You know... if we move the two Warhols we can put the plasma on that wall.
Dad: Aw! If they didn't wan't us to touch the sculptures they would have a sign here that says, "Don't touch"!
Girl: I just think all Minimalist paintings look like flags...You know, Mark Rothko: Welcome to Japan !

Girl: Wait, what? You have Gandhi on your phone?

Girl: He only calls me when it's convenient. "Hey, let's have sex."
Girl on cell: Normally when I doesn't answer my phone, 16 days in a row, it means I don't want to talk to you.
Teen boy: Yo, I bought two ringtones today and had enough money to have pizza for lunch!
Girl: So yeah, I'm getting so good at this sort of thing. I was talking to this woman on the phone the other day and I could totally tell that she was an Aquarius.
Black man: Why do people always walk with their heads down? Just saw a guy talking on his cell with his head down and he walked right into
the side of the M6 bus!
Girl: Listen, it's like this: if someone calls you on the phone, you can say whatever you want to say to them-—anything at all—-because !
Woman: That's the problem with today, you never know if someone is crazy or if they have one of those headset things.
Girl: You havn't put down your phone once since we got here. This was supposed to be quality time !

Woman: So, has your little friend Jamie text messaged you recently?
Man: No, actually she hasn't.
Woman: That's right, because I called that fucking bitch up and told her to find her own man.
Man: Are you kidding me?
Woman: No. And by the way, your mom made me do it.

Girl #1: So... does the express go than the local?
Girl #2: I think it builds up momentum.

Guy #1: Who, Trisha? Hell nah, She never calls me. She sucks.
Guy #2: Nah nigga, she doesn't suck; she licks.
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: Isn't she a lesbian now or some shit?
Guy #1: I don't know!
Guy #2: Well I heard she is and like I said, she doesn't suck. She licks. The bitch eats vagiburgers.

Cop: How do you say "dog" in Spanish?
Starbucks guy: .
Cop: Okay. How do you say "dog" in Mexican?
Starbucks guy: Usted es un idiota .

Bus driver: Anyone on here who speaks Russian? I need someone to tell this lady that her transfer is already on the card. Anyone on here who speaks Russian?...Please tell her that her transfer is on the card.
Woman: The transfer is on your card.
Bus driver: In Russian! In Russian! I coulda told her that in English!

Teen girl: Do you like stroking my ears?
Teen guy: Do you like it when I stroke your ears?
Teen girl: That was one of the first things I noticed about you...that you were stroking my ears.
Teen guy: Yeah.
Teen girl: Have you done it to other girls before?
Teen guy: Wha?
Teen girl: I guess my boobs are really small, and you need something to grab on to.
Teen guy: ...Do you ever cook meat?
Teen girl: This one time the mother of the kids I nanny made me make them chicken nuggets. But she left raw chicken out on the corner, and I had to make them in the bag with the Shake N' bag, and I literally called my mother, like, sobbing, while I was shaking.
Teen guy: Whoa. That's sucks that she made you, like, compromise your, like...Yeah...Yo...

Woman #1: Yeah, so I dropped my baggage off at my mother's house the other day.
Woman #2: Are you going on a trip somewhere?
Woman #1: No, I just needed her to babysit for a while.
Woman #2: Babysit what? I don't get it.
Woman #1: The children, dammit! The children!
Woman #2: Relax! At first you said baggage...Oh, I see now.

Queer #1: Overheard made me straight.
Queer #2: Huh?
Queer #1: Overheard in New York, the website?
Queer #2: I know what it is. How the fuck could it make straight?
Queer #1: Well, there was this picture ....of a body without a head...and it looked like a guy...a hot one, so I emailed--
Queer #2: You emailed someone about a headless pic on a website?
Queer #1: Don't judge! You do it on Manhunt all the time! Whatever, so the guy who runs the website is all, "No, it's a girl. Ha, ha, ha, you like girls." He revoked my gay card.
Queer #2: That's what you get for headless picture hunting on the internet.
Queer #1: Shut up, bottomboimanhattan24. You're one to talk.
Oh, it's true:

From: Brad
To: Morgan
Subject: picture from overheard....
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/randomgifs/Banner68.jpg
Any chance you know who snapped it? The guy in the white shirt looks amazingly gay and probably pretty hot. (granted i can't see his face, but i'm guessing.)
this is a cheap attempt to get his number.....
i know, anything is possible with gay men and the internet...]
-b
From: Michael
To: Brad
HER name is [redacted]; not sure of the spelling.
Your queer card is hereby revoked. Brad likes girls! Brad likes girls!

Promoter guy: Come see a great comedy show tonight! The tickets are just $5!
Chick: I can't, I have to study.
Promoter guy: Oh come on, you don't have to study.
Chick: I actually do, sorry.
Promoter guy: Studying will never get you anywhere.
Chick: Yeah, I'll remember that next time I'm selling $5 tickets in the snow.

Guy #1: Cato worked his way into power through his ororatorical...ororitary...He talked good.
Guy #2: I think that was meta-irony.

Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need some money to get inebriated tonight.
Girl: I need all of the money I have to get myself inebriated tonight!
Hobo: Well good luck, bitch!

Old lady: I like this address book, but I want one with ABCs on the side.
Store guy: Well, this one has tabs, but no letters...
Old lady: Why don't you have any that have ABCs?
Store guy: This collection was made in Japan...
Old lady: And what, they don't go by ABCs there?

Woman: The problem is that I'm flesh and you keep thinking that I'm stone.
Man: Actually I was just thinking about fucking you.

Suit: Goddamn piece of fucking shit.
Old lady: Geez.
Suit: What's your fucking problem?
Old lady: The dumbing down of our language; everyone is so crude. Suit: Where are you from, the Little House on the Prairie?
Old lady: I'm from New York, you fucking asshole.
Tourist lady: Wow, it's like a sea of people!
B&T guy: Welcome to the city that never sleeps!
NY woman: Fuck all of you.

Hobo #1: What are you doing here begging for something to drink? You come on, get out of there.
Hobo #2: Shut up, you transie.

Girl #1: We did this experiment with Peeps in high school. Nothing dissolved them. Not hydrochloric acid. Highly concentrated. Not sulfuric acid. Highly concentrated. Not nitric acid. Highly concentrated. Nothing dissolved except the eyes.
Girl #2: So how come when I eat Peeps, my poop isn't pink and sparkly?
Girl #1: Oh, there's ingredient breakdown and bile's involved, but you pretty much shit Peep.

Mom: Excuse me officer, can you tell me where the Crown Building is located?
Cop: Lady, if the building collapsed you would be crushed.

Girl #1: I think that most men prefer it closed.
Girl #2: You think? I would figure open to be easier access.
Girl #3: Oh, for God's sake! No one has ever rejected me because of my vagina!

Teen boy #1: Is it the platypus that is a mammal but lays eggs?
Teen boy #2: No, I don't think so; mammals always lay eggs.

Spanish guy: Wow, that was a long time, did you take butt piss?
White chick: No, quite the opposite...It felt like I was trying to shit out my scrotum.
Spanish guy: You don't even have a scrotum!
White chick: I know! Wait, yes I do! What are you talking about? I aced that anatomy shit.
Spanish guy: Obviously not.
White chick: Oh, you're right. I meant it felt like I was shitting out my spleen.
Guy: ..and this girl, she's so beautiful, she's like 1/3 Japanese--
Girl: How can you be 1/3 Japanese?
Guy: I dunno. They had a threesome?

Chick #1: He hooked up with a guy over break.
Chick #2: He did ?
Chick #1: Yeah, in Miami over break, he said, "I never turn down a dare."

Chick #1: So yeah, all this time I've had PMS before. Like ever. Now that all this hormonal shit is going on, it all caught up with me this past week.
Chick #2: What do you mean?
Chick #1: I've been eating M&M's, Fritos, chocolate-covered pretzels, and Powerade this entire week, and I can't go 10 minutes without crying.
Chick #2: Are you prego?
Chick #1: No, I think I just fucking won the endocrine lottery.

Girl #1: It's not that I hated history, I just hated all the
memorization. All the names, and dates, and places. And the wars! I mean, how am I supposed to remember whether Hitler was in World War I or World War II?
Girl #2: I think he had his own war.

Chick: Did you know Craigslist is in like a billion cities but only employs nineteen people?
Guy: That's not that weird; what would people who work for Craigslist do?
Chick: I dunno...Moderate. Get Craig burritos.

Girl: So I met a cute boy this weekend.
Queer: Oh really?
Girl: Well, I met him a year ago, but this weekend I really him.
Queer: You met a cute boy this weekend that you've known for a year?
Girl: Yeah...
Queer: Oh. So you fucked him for the first time!

Hipster guy #1: Oh my , fuck the Strokes! I'm here for Eagles of Death Metal! ! Ha, ha! Fuck, I love eagles but I hate death metal!
Hipster girl: Where's Julian ? Where's Julian ?
Hipster guy #2: Shut the fuck up guys, this lead singer's fuckin' Dave Grohl or some shit!
Girl: Was it wrong that I totally didn't enjoy that at all?
Guy: Uh...
Girl: I mean it was like every song is exactly the same and they're just a bunch of 6 1/2 foot tall guys in leather jackets.

Teen girl #1: Okay. Maybe I'm, like, retarded for not knowing this,
but...did you guys know that other countries have national anthems, too?
Teen girl #2: Duh! It's the same song, in different languages!

Man #1: Oh no...
Man #2: Can we go back to LA now ?
Woman: Please do.

Girl #1: We have to turn right on this street.
Girl #2: But it's a one way...
Girl #1: Dude, we are walking!

Hobo: Once you go black you never go back.
Girl: Oh, but I did!

Hipster guy: Have you ever walked all the way to Avenue D?
Hipster girl: Yeah...like once.
Hipster guy: I've never been down that far. But I want to.
Hipster girl: You will one day.

Mom: Damn! His report card is !
Dad: You sound hyped for that shit!
Mom: I hyped for that shit!

Conductor: Because of a water main break at 53rd Street, the last
stop on this train will be 42nd Street.
Guy: What the fuck?
Guy on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen and conductor, the last
stop on this train will be 57th Street. You copy that, conductor? You copy that?
Conductor: Uh, the last stop on this train will be 57th Street. This
train will be going through 57th Street.

Chick #1: Yeah, but I can't keep fucking him.
Chick #2: Why not?
Chick #1: Because I'm not in love with him.
Chick #2: Oh. Well, how did you fuck him till now?
Chick #1: Usually with me on top.

Girl: Do you have any exciting plans for tonight?
Guy: No. Do you want to have a hot dog eating contest?
Girl: Not so much, since I'm a vegetarian.
Guy: I guess I win, then.

Old lady #1: Oh, how awful! You cut your dog's ears. How horrible! How'd you like to have your ears trimmed?
Old lady #2: I would.

Hobo: So I beat her ass good! I told her, don't you ever say you'll leave me!...Hey man, you got an extra cigarette?
Suit: Nope, last one.
Hobo: Come on, man, why can't we all love each other in unity? It don't cost much.

Guy #1: Did you hear? The Yankees just bought the Boston Red Sox logo. Now the Red Sox can't use it anymore; they've got to come up with a different one. They did it just to piss off the Red Sox.
Guy #2: For real?
Guy #1: No.

Conductor: Local, this is a 7 local. 33rd Street next.
Loudspeaker: Attention Flushing-bound 7 train. You are not a local. You are an express train. Your next stop is 61st-Woodside. Now let the people in and close your doors.

Woman: ...get on the bus because I'm running late for work.
Crazy lady: I don't give a rat's ass if you're late for work! I don't care if you get to work and your boss punches you in the face and breaks your nose! I have the right to look for a seat!
Bus: ...
Crazy lady storms off the next bus.
Woman: Every day she does that. I can't take it anymore.

Teen chick: You know, I really like vacuuming.
Teen guy: Ew. That's gross.
Teen chick: What? That I like to clean? I'm a woman...Isn't it my job?

Lady lawyer #1: I can't even relax when I'm getting a massage. I have to concentrate on relaxing.
Lady lawyer #2: Have you tried Valium?
Lady lawyer #1: No.
Lady lawyer #3: Have you tried pot?

Guy: Is that for picket or chain link?
Old man: No, it's for an Olympic event.

Asian guy: I'm not Japanese; I'm Chinese.
Black girl: Yeah, but who has more Chinky eyes?
Asian guy: What?
Black girl: Whose eyes are Chinkier?

Girl #1: So I was with my boyfriend last night.
Girl #2: So did you guys hook up?
Girl #1: Not really, I just went down on him.

Guy: Yo, you got rolling papers?
Store lady: I don't know. What is that?
Guy: You know, Zig-Zag.
Store lady: I don't know, what is that for?

Girl #1: I wanted to see if it was possible to walk here from campus in 20 minutes.
Girl #2: So is it?
Girl #1: No, it took me 22, and I think my boots are filled with blood.

Girl: I'm not going to the gym today.
Queer: Oh my god, this is like the gazillionth time you've cancelled. Honey, no offense, and I didn't want to have to tell you this, but you give me no choice. You're starting to get fat. You need to start going to the gym, like, every day or no man's gonna wan't you.
Girl: You gays are so fucking judgmental. Oh, and since I'm such a fat cow, you can go find someone else to help you stretch and have to deal with your sweaty balls in their face.

Guy #1: Which one did you make out with?
Guy #2: I dunno, I can't tell the difference. Whichever one is Jessica.

Chick #1: So I need to get me a Bible.
Chick #2: Why? Aren't you atheist?
Chick #1: They say Bible paper makes good rolling paper for your joints.
Chick #2: Really?
Old lady: You two are disgusting.

Girl #1: How does she afford to live here?
Girl #2: You think she is selling her cooch?
Girl #1: No. I should sell mine, though.
Girl #2: That's like trying to sell the AM New York .

Girl #1: So I told him, "Uh-uh, no way, that's a one way exit!"
Girl #2: Yeah, but have you ever seen a two way exit?

Girl #1: I hate my haircut. But it might just be in pictures. I need to look at myself in the mirror for a few hours.
Girl #2: Like you do every day?
Girl #1: Yeah, I'm a little vain.

Guy: You got something on your face.

Girl: I'm so glad I'm not Catholic so I don't have to walk around with that shit on my head all day!
Dude: Yo, that's like the tenth person I seen today with a black cross painted on their head.
Girl: For lent, I'm giving up chocolate and Facebook.

Girl #1: So I know some Chinese now.
Girl #2 Really?
Girl #1: Yeah. I learned how to say our phone number from hearing you order food all the time.

Grandma: Who is that? What's the commotion about?
Teen girl: It's Paris Hilton.
Grandma: Who is that?
Teen girl: She's a media blowjob, Nana. Let's get a move on, we're
late and Daddy's waiting for us at the hotel.

Guy: Hey, hey shortie with the red hair...Hey, I'm talkin' to you!
Girl: Yeah, and I'm ignoring you.

Guy #1: Dude, they should have a phone where you just say 92454.
Guy #2: Man, they already have that.
Guy #1: Yeah, but without numbers.
Guy #2: Stupid.
Guy #1: They should also have a video phone, so you can see who you're talking to.
Guy #2: They already have that.
Guy #1: Man, technology is good. But it's also stupid...Technology is going to destroy us.

Little girl: Ew, sex, gross!
Mother: Sex isn't gross. It's natural and it can be a very beautiful thing.
Little girl: You wouldn't say that if you heard what Eleanor told me.

White guy #1: What's she look like?
White guy #2: She's really hot, she's black.
White guy #1: You mean African-American.
White guy #2: No, I don't.
White guy #1: But you said she's black.
White guy #2: Right, she's Sicilian. She's neither African nor American.
White guy #1: Well, her family must have come from Africa at some point.
White guy #2: Yeah, like 1000 years ago.
White guy #1: Ok, then she's African.

Woman: Um...excuse me...But...are you all right?
Teen boy: Juilliard audition!

Guy #1: I don't get why they call it the 7 Years War if it didn't really take 7 full years.
Guy #2: Well then, why don't you write your own motherfucking textbook about history and call it whatever the fuck you want? And nobody will read it, because you don't know shit about what we're doing second semester!

Girl #1: He told me not to worry about his girlfriend. He was like, "You know you're gonna like it!"
Girl #2: Oh my god, that's so your type! Like, borderline rapist!

Girl on cell: Can you hear me when I roll my eyes?

Girl on cell: Hi, I got your email. I just wanted to let you know that I hate you and I'll never forgive you. Bye!
Guy: Oh! DeKalb Avenue! My mom used to work there...Fucking lying bitch-ass slut.
Bus driver: Ladies and gentlemen, that's enough! Is there anybody here who is new to this bus? Is this anybody's first time riding a bus? Y'all do this every morning, and y'all are acting like y'all hate each other. "Excuse me, can I get by?" Y'all know what to do: slide back and make room, so the passengers can get on. I don't care, I got a seat! But y'all...Acting like y'all each other's enemies.
Guy on cell: Yeah, do you want to know why she was so delicious? She was such a snotty bitch and then her card declined! I was like, that is more delicious than a double french latte!
Woman on cell: You let her know when I come up there I'm gonna put my foot in her ass!
Guy on cell: Do you have a lawyer's number handy? I'm gonna sue that fuck Smiley!
Man: Yeah, I hear you. I can see your garden, but I don't know that I want to play there.
Mom: If you don't come back here and apologize right now, you're going into the trashcan again!
Man: You know they are going to give me a gold leaf for putting up with you.
Girl: That Ryan guy is so hot, I'd totally do him. I'd fuck him so hard. But only if, like, he never talked. Because he's an asshole.
Teen boy: Okay. Let's find a cafe and talk shit.
Girl: I can play hard to get. If I don't like someone, I am really hard to get.
Teen girl: You can't just be standin' around slappin' people all day.
Guy: ...I finally just pushed an old lady because, like, I wasn't gonna be Father Christmas holding the door for everyone all day.
Black woman: 'Cause all I'm sayin' is, what's your passion? What's your passion? 'Cause all your passion right now is bitchy.
Man: Me, I don't think it's been that cold lately. But this little b-i-t-c-h right here needed to have the $65 parka.
Guy: You are late today. What's up?...You know what? I don't care. Shove it! Have a nice day!
Assistant chick: I just can't like somebody that I dislike so much!
Woman: That's a good thing I didn't get my hands stuck 'cause I need them to slap my kids.

Teen boy: "Romanian"? What's that, Italian?

Queer: Being a Jew in Europe is like being a homosexual in Wyoming.
Girl: If it wasn't for NYU we wouldn't be going to Croatia!
Guy: I do what I want; I'm an Egyptian!
Man: I hate Seattle. They spit on me when I returned from Vietnam. What you've gotta do is put a .45 to their head and blow their brains out. That'll send the rest of 'em running for the woods. That's how you back your buddy up who died.
Guy: Oh my god, you didn't say, "Where is Massachusetts?" or, "How do you get to Massachusetts?" You said, "What is Massachusetts?"
Dude: Ooh girl, you're gorgeous. I wanna take you to Miami and put you under a palm tree and do some cocaine.
Chick: New Jersey must be empty right now.
Man: Fucking immigrants. I don't understand how those fucking immigrants can come here like this. What are you, in love with me or something? Is that why you're looking at me? No? So, you're looking at me because you don't fucking have anything else to do?
Dude: These guys, they're from Hungria.
Girl: I'm afraid of pit bulls, so I moved to Santa Fe.
Baggage guy: Ew, this train smells. Did it come through Jersey on the way here? Ha, ha, ha.
Crazy guy: There's no one left in this place. I've killed everyone!
There's not even any other planets until I get to England.
Professor guy: The French language has very little accentation, and I
believe that's why French musicians sometimes have trouble with rhythm. It also explains why French people can't skateboard.
Hipster guy: Dude, I never get cold. I'm warm-blooded, I'm from Iceland.
Girl: I've always thought Pennsylvania was above New York. Turns out, it's more on the side.

Guy on pay phone: Hey Tom, it's Jerry.

Woman on cell: ...I know, that's never something I would do! So anyway, then I actually swallowed it, and I totally forgot how bad
that stuff tastes...I know, we should be on Fear Factor for these kind of things.
Crazy guy: Rosanna Scotto! Ernie Anastos! Have I got a piece for ! Ha, ! Ah...Geraldo, you're my boy! Old school! Geraldo! That's where it's at! Ha, ! Geraldo! Ah...We're not going to Coney Island! Ah...New York, the city of dreams!
Guy on cell: I have the same birthday as Burt Reynolds and he didn't invite you to his fucking party so you better be coming to mine!
Woman on cell: Oh, I'm so happy! This is so awesome! I've always wanted to be a witness in a murder trial...It's just like on Law and Order , but real life !
Professor guy: The day a TV reaches out and touches us, watch out! Much less if we add fragrance. That would be a disaster, wouldn't it?
Woman: Who the hell is Paris Hilton, and why should I give a damn about her?
White guy ...it's better than Smurfette in a dark room with other Smurfs.

MTA guy: Let 'em off, let 'em off. It's just like sex, you gotta get it out to get it in.

Conductor: If you want E or F service, you need to get on this train and take it to Union Turnpike. If you are still wandering around on this platform, you are lost . Get on this E train!
Teen boy: Ha, ha, bitch, you always be gettin' raped on the L train!
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to remind you not to leave any unattended bags on the subway. If you do see any suspicious package, please go to the nearest ATM...uh, the nearest MTA employee and let them know.
Woman: You need to move your trash bag out of the center of the aisle and pick up your pretzel wrappers.
Conductor: This is 59th Street-Columbus Circle. Next stop is 62nd Street. I think.
Guy: Oh, you're missing out! The L train is the one with waiter service.
Conductor: The next stop is the next stop. Stand clear of the closing doors.
Guy: The fucking MetroCard is racist! You're all racist!
Conductor: Okay, listen up, listen up. All my Brooklyn peoples, where you at? Where you at? You need to stay on this train. Do not move, Brooklyn, this here is a Brooklyn-bound C train.
Teen boy: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry for the interruption. I am selling candy. Not for no basketball team, not for no class trip, but for myself. To keep money in my pocket, to keep me off the streets and off your fire escape.
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. 145th street is next. I take that back. 155th street is next...163rd street is the next stop.
B&T chick: I'm not part of the bridge and tunnel crowd. I take the PATH train in.
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that...this train will not be moving if you don't stand clear of the closing doors ! I'm serious, you guys in that last car!
Man: Yo, it smells foul in here. I'm gonna sue the MTA for stank!
Conductor: It's rush hour, not crush hour. There's another train behind us.
Businessman lady: Look, that is the third time your purse has hit me in the head. I asked you nicely to please move over. This is not a seat, it is my shoulder, and you are sitting on it. The train is not crowded and there is no reason for you to be on top of me.
Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound E train; there is no V service on the weekends. If you insist on waiting for the V train, one should be along at about 5am Monday morning.

Woman on cell: Yeah, I have to go. I'm too distracted on the phone, and I don't trust anyone in this terminal. People are speaking Spanish behind me, if you know what I mean.

Chick: Oh, you know, it's okay, sometimes there's just too much pinata.
Girl: Oh my god, now that I'm back from Mexico water here tastes so
good. When I go out with friends they're all about tequila, but I just bust out the water.
Teen boy: I quit that job. They treated me like I was a Mexican.
Girl: I don't know what you want from me...I don't dance and I don't speak Spanish.
Teen boy: Yeah, I didn't like it. I mean, Puerto Rico is like the New York of Mexico.
Girl: Just tell the Spanish girls art students don't wear clothes. All drawing is naked drawing. Especially when you're Spanish. And new.
Tourist lady: I'm starting to see a lot more blacks and Hispanics around here. We must be in "da hood".

Chris Noth: I talked to her for 10 minutes and figured out she was crazy.

Crazy lady: You guys aren't here to help me; you're just here to bust my balls! What the fuck is wrong with all of you? Lemme get through!
Guy: So, my roommate was having issues with his girlfriend who's psycho and he goes to my other roommate for advice. Well, he's cheating on his girlfriend who's also psycho...If I was a crackhead, I would not go to a crackhead to figure out how to stop smoking crack.
Crazy lady: I don't what planet they think they from, but these humans ain't all they cracked out to be.
Crazy guy: Hey sis, how you doin'? You all right? 'Cause you gotta make two more of those. Okay, baby? For me, baby, you gotta make two more of those...You all right, sis? Yeah, you all right.
Crazy lady: That's good luck, you know. I step in dog shit all the time. I used to play the horses. One time I stepped in dog shit and then I won $750. You should learn to step in more dog shit.

Chick on cell: It's a long story involving a lot of urine, but the gist of it is, we can't use that refrigerator ever again.

Teen boy: Just a sec while I go and get a drink from the toilet
Guy on cell: No, none of the chicks are going, man, but clean the bathroom, Rob, I'm sure it's disgusting, okay?...I'll kill you.
Guy on cell: No dude, this girl is . Too freaky...She wanted me to pee in her mouth, man!...That's crazy! All white girls are freaks...Yeah! She asked me to in her .
Girl: Uh...None of us wore a scarf tonight...Ew! That's fucking toilet paper!
Little boy: Mom, did I poop on the bathtub?
Crazy guy: You know why your ass stinks? 'Cause shit come outta there !
Guy: I ate so much of this stuff this week that my pee smells like Progresso soup.
Hilary Duff: I have to pee so bad!
Girl: How does a motherfucker pee?
Guy on cell: Don't you know how slow the digestive system works?...Look, you won't start shitting corn until around 10 o'clock tonight.
Girl: I took the biggest craziest shit this morning. Tore me apart.
Drunk girl: If I fucking pee myself it's not my fault.
Girl: You're so lucky I didn't have my UTI. I would've wet my pants!

Teen girl: Where's your section for books about hippies?

Guy: Hey, did you notice that guy standing in the doorway is reading How to Win Friends and Influence People ? And he's standing in the doorway !
Girl: ...but I think our conversations right now are at the height of what conversation could ever be. The only thing that could make them better is if we read books.
L. Ron Hubtard: Hey, Carol, do we have the book in Hindi?
Lady: There was a guy that was helping me before. He's really smart and it's like he was reading my mind. Do you know where I can find him?"
Woman: If they don't get that motherfucker by the end, I ain't never gonna read another Richard North Patterson book again!
Girl: Yeah, Netherlands, like Peter Pan , right?
Chick: All the women in this book get screwed, literally and physically.

Girl: I've never been blonde, like . I had blonde roots once.

Guy: I scraped my nipple on John's beard.
Chick: ...You should see the hair in my armpits.
Guy on cell: No dude, I fucking have pubic hair on my chest... , it stop there! it's repulsive!
Girl on cell: Your ain't doin' nuthin' ! It's the you comb yo !
Man: I be straight as a perm, son.
Girl: I don't even know she has a straightener. Her hair's curly. She, like, needs a perm. You know, 'cause perms for us are, like, curly, they're straight for curly people.

Guy: Man, I totally wish I was in India right now where you can buy like anything on the internet, like human organs and shit.

Suit: Yeah, I meant to google "Himmler" today, but I forgot.
Chick: Yeah, so now there are nudie pictures of me out on the internet.
Dude: It was good with a caps lock G.
Teen boy: So when I got home on chat they were like, "On the next block after you left there were these 7 Spanish kids and they took our cell phones."
Indian man: Did you see how that lady looked at me? It was like, "What hole did that tribal crawl out of?" I'll hit her with my motherboard!

Queer: Oh, I'm so glad to see you! I've been thinking about you' I just read that book Radically Gay .

Guy: I can go back, I can go front. Bob is gay, though.
Man: Girl you got to get yourself a life. I've got a life. And, I got your man on top of it.
Guy: Yeah, after I slept with her brother's boyfriend, it got kinda awkward.
Tween boy: Be , dude...You can go to jail for that, and in jail, you turn gay.
Man: Gay guys are just uninhibited straight guys.
Little boy: That girl is mad gay.

Spanish guy: I dunno, man. Maybe that Chinese kid farted egg roll?

Guy: And I was like, "Great coffee" and, "Can I have some change?" So then I said, "Shishi!" And--you're gonna love this--she went, "I'm not Chinese." Fuck, man! And then...Shit! I just realized I forgot my change!
Conductor: This is Grand Street, everyone, Grand Street. Chi-town. Homemade bok choi!
Drunk girl: You're Chinese and a virgin. Can I shake your hand?
Chick: Chinese takeout people are so stupid! They can't even spell "dynasty"! There is no "t" in it!
Asian guy: Korean girls are crack dealers.
Man: The Chinaman, he's incredible! He fits more in his restaurant, in half the size, than anyone else. It's amazing!
Bodega guy: Come get your umbrellas! 100% genuinely made in !
Guy: The thing about Chinese weddings is that after you go to, like, three of them you realize you're not Chinese.

Dad: See that building, honey?
Little daughter: Yeah
Dad: It's Hunter College. It's where they train hunters! Elmer Fudd goes there.
Little daughter: Uh hum.

Man whispering into cell phone: I heard that if you inject enough [mumblemumble]into his bloodstream, in a couple of hours, the coroner can't tell the cause of death!
...Uh huh, uh huh
...I know, baby, I know.
...Yeah, I know. But baby, will you be my alibi?

Weiner dog: Woof woof.
Hobo: That isn't fucking funny! Piece of shit, fucking hors d'oeuvres on wheels!

Dude #1: Have you heard of the sleeper?
Dude #2: No, what's that?
Dude #1: It's when you sit on your hand for five minutes then rub one out. It feels like someone else is jerking you off.
Dude #2: I'm trying that as soon as I get home man, thanks!

Thug #1: ...and the next thing you know, you'll be doing Miss Congeniality 3 .
Thug #2: Word.

Asian guy #1: Ok, here's the train.
Asian guy #2: Dude! No way! That's the Q!
Asian guy #1: What?
Asian guy #2: Dude! You couldn't pay me to take the Q! Last time I took the Q, I got on around Canal Street and next thing I knew, I was in. . like. . . !

Guy: Remember when your shit was all yellow and shit? Remember that? What happened then?
Girl: I DON'T CARE!

Urinal user: Hey!
Stall user: Yeah?
Urinal user: You doing number one in there?
Stall user: Um . . . yeah.
Urinal user: Good! Because if you're talking when you're doing number two it don't come out right.

Boy #1: That bitch kind of looks like her dog.
Boy #2: Yeah, but she's busted.
Boy #1: Word, I'd definitely pipe the dog before I piped her.
Boy #2: What the fuck?

Little boy: So far, this is the worst day of my life.
Mom: Oh, no. You're still a small fry.
Little boy: I am a "small fries!" Why do you keep saying that?

Man: Hi...Nice to see you again.
Woman: Hi.
Man: How's your Prius?

Woman holding flowers: How much are these?
Vendor: Eight dollars.
Woman: Eight dollars? That is ridiculous!
Vendor: Well maybe you should stop buying yourself flowers and get a man to buy them for you.

Girl: I don't look like an Eskimo, I have a tan.
Guy: I thought Eskimos were darker skinned.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: I thought Eskimos were darker. I think their skin is darker.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: I think they have darker skin.
Girl: [silence]
Guy: Anyway I think it'd be funny to see you in an igloo.

Woman: Oh my God, is there a bathroom at the next stop? I just felt the rumblings of the Communist invasion, and I'm less than prepared.
Man: Fucking tourist.

Guy #1: I know, I need to get my license.
Guy #2: Son, I'm telling you when you get that shit you'll be walking along like you are King Jafee-Jafee of Zamundo.

Tourist #1: You know that song that Billy Strayhorn wrote, called "Take The A Train"? He wrote it about taking the A train up to Harlem, and then he gave it to Duke Ellington. The rest is history.
Tourist #2: Who's Duke Ellington?
Tourist #1: Never mind!

Girl #1: You gotta figure out what you're gonna study in college. you oughta check out this holistic college, ya know, for holistic medicine?
Girl #2: Yeah, like holistic medicine?
Girl #1: It's a two-year program to get certified and it's all hippies who are all potted up so you don't have to do anything.
Girl #2: You mean, like "sit on this crystal and write a paper about it."
Girl #1: Ha ha! Yeah, so then you're certified. You oughta do that.
Girl #2: Maybe I'll be a pilot.

Drunk guy: Lemme get a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Cashier: Sorry, we don't have bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I have it on a bagel then?
Cashier: That's not the problem. We don't have any bacon.
Drunk guy: Can I just have a bacon, egg and cheese?
Cashier: Sir, there is no bacon, ok?
Drunk guy: Can I just have your number then?

Chick: I've always wanted to try coke.
Guy: It's not that good, but I hear heroin's great.

Twentysomething girl #1: Why didn't you go in his room and see if he was home?
Twentysomething girl #2: So I could go in there and see him with his dick out? Porn all over the place, passed out like he exhausted himself? I'm good. No thanks.

Woman #1: And who the hell told you that junk!
Woman #2: It was Bessie.
Woman #1: Bessie! Oh I'm gonna that bitch to !

Hawaiian shirt grocery dude: Gummy ?
Hipster: Bears.
Grocery dude: Um... Let me ask the manager.

Man: I'm getting my hair cut really short, I think.
Woman: I don't think that will ever happen. You're like Goliath with your hair.
Man: You mean Sampson.
Wonan: Who? Oh, is that who it is?
Man: Yeah, I'm not a giant.

Dreadlocked guy: I'm a customer and you're saying I can't use the restroom?
Ambiguously ethnic deli owner: You can't use it this often. You come here every day and stay there for 20-25 minutes. I don't know what you're doing in there.
Dreadlocked guy: Well if you want to get so technical, the first time I was taking a dump.

Guy #1: He took it; it'll both depict us.
Guy #2: I don't want to be both depicted. I want my own shit.

Girl: Did you just fart?
Guy: That's an awkward question.
Girl: Is that a yes?

Homeless man: Can anyone spare some change for a homeless man? Can anyone spare a penny, nickel, or dime? Penny, nickel, or dime?
Subway doors close.
Homeless man: Oh, shit, wait, I got to get off this train! Get out of my way!
Subway rider: You're not going to get much with that sales pitch.

Realtor guy:...and the area is really gentrifying quite nicely...very safe. The people from the projects never come over to this side of the neighborhood, so it's a great place to raise a family.
Homeless passerby pushing a wheelbarrow full of junk: Could you folks help me out with some money to buy food? Give me money. I haven't eaten in three days.
Realtor guy: Sorry, I... I work on commission. [To his clients]
This happens even in Cobble Hill.
The husband and wife walk towards their car.
Homeless guy: Come on man, I'm hungry!
Realtor guy: Fuck you, you just cost me a commission!

Guy: Maybe it has to do with Grover Cleveland...
Drunk girl: Who's Grover Cleveland?
Guy: I'm a Canadian and know who Grover Cleveland is.
Drunk girl [proudly]: Well, I'm an American and I don't know!

Woman: I know. Haven't they figured out yet that if you hang around The Nation long enough, you'll get hired?
Man: They hire anyone.

Bagboy: What's with all the bruises?
Cashier girl: My boyfriend likes to bite.
Bagboy: What? You dating vampires now but you still won't go out with Tommy?

Frat boy #1: Dude! So if you had a pencil, and she was naked, you could totally fit the pencil in the folds under her ass. She's just flappy, man!
Frat boy #2: Yeah, dude!

Woman #1: So, your vagina's open, right?
Woman #2: ...yeah.
Woman #1: And there's a smell.
Woman #2: Um.
Woman #1: And it's a personal smell!

Guy: So my friend from New Jersey just texted me...
Girl: Yeah?
Guy: Yeah, she's pregnant and wants to me to be the godfather.

Ghetto guy #1: Man, that dude's hair is always fucked up.
Ghetto guy #2: Yo, he don't got no hair!
Ghetto guy #1: No, I mean his head is fucked up.

Guy #1: What's that? A parking garage?
Guy #2 [alarmed]: That's the Guggenheim!

Old lady: Hey, you know what time it is? You got a face so pretty, I swear I'll have to cut you if you don't tell me what time it is.
Guy: Five thirty.

Guy #1: I just left a major deposit sitting in that toilet.
Guy #2: You didn't flush it?
Guy #1: It was an automatic flusher and nothing happened. There was a guy waiting to go in and I just gave him a shit-eating grin when I walked out. I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Guy #2: I wouldn't use the term "shit-eating grin" the next time you tell that story.

Thug #1: I heard he's in some shit. Married, two kids, child support,
a wife, girl on the side, and she just found out about his boyfriend.
Thug #2: Yeah, that's some shit.

Sidewalk vendor #1 to friend: So, and now tell me honestly, is it better to have sex high or not-high?
Sidewalk vendor #2: What are you talking about, of course high is better!
Sidewalk vendor #1: Would you shut up and let the man answer?! Christ, no manners with this one. [To friend] So which is it?

Wannabe fashionista on cell: Yeah, so I have to walk the red carpet. What? No . . . My feet are trashed, but how much walking will I actually have to do? . . . What, Mom, stop it! I was trying on gowns the other day. But I have to find a smaller one. Yeah, they were too big. . . No, Mom! What do you think my job was when I was in PR, borrowing gowns from stars?

Toddler girl #1: Is your camel dead yet?
Toddler girl #2: No. Not yet. Is yours?

Girl #1: Should I have my baby shower before or after my wedding?
Girl #2: You'd better have it before. You're going to be really drunk after your wedding.
Girl #1: Yeah, good point. Well, one of them is going to be in July, I know that for sure.

Tall guy: Dude I swear to god, I was on my bed with this mad hot chick and we were making out for like a whole hour...
Short guy: Yeah? Did you put it in?
Tall guy: No...you don't understand...I was feeling her down there, and she...duuuuuude...she had a cock!
Pause
Short guy: Yeah? Did you put it in?

Girl #1: I think true love is when you know someone isn't perfect but you still think they are.
Girl #2: I thought love was when you could still feel butterflies in your heart even after he tells you he thinks he's an elf.
Girl #1: I keep forgetting that actually happened.
Girl #2: Yeah, and not to you.
Girl #1: Yeah, I don't know how I would have taken it.

Girl #1: That was so good! I'm so full!
Girl #2: Yeah... If this were freshmen year, I would totally go puke.

Hipster guy on cell: So you like the kid more than the pussy?

Dad to crying son: Are you crying cause you're really hurt, or are you crying cause you're a baby?
Girl on cell: You are married and have kids. You can't just fuck a bunch of guys because you think you missed out.
Dad on cell: Do not co-inhabit! I repeat, do not co-inhabit !
Gay son: Yes, mother, I'm a fag because I want to break your heart.
Chick: What is attractive about Mike is that he is infertile.

Conductor: Grand Central, coming soon to a station stop near you.
Man talking to himself: Automated cartoon movie life. I don't want it.

Parking garage attendant: I ain't even playin'. This is not a game. I can eat the pussy for three hours. Straight.
Guy: If you were playing Risk, and you were Charles Darwin, would you place all of your armies on the Galapagos Islands?

Dude: Dude, the Thirty Years War ended four hundred years ago! Get over it!
Amateur historian: The English people that lived on the Island respected her because she is Italian, and the English respect Italians because they respected the Romans.

Mature woman to mature husband, going in to see The Light in the Piazza: Piazza -- it means "little pizza."

Guy on cell: They told me to meet them at a restaurant. Ray's Pizza ain't a restaurant. It's a fucking slobfest. [pause] Yeah, they got Mexicans working there. They should clean up that shit. What the fuck are they there for?
Guy: Just because you're high on coke doesn't mean you can't eat pizza.
Crazy hobo lady: This pizza is good, whoever left it.

Girl on cell: ... a roma tomato, lime... I mean lemon, either one... omigosh, this is the wrong number! [hangs up]

Jappy girl: I'm not a crunchy vegan...I'm more like a lipstick vegan.
Eurotrash to Whole Foods employee: Where are the cigarettes?
Thirtysomething queer: Oh my god! Why are you eating dim sum??! [pause] Oh, it's McDonalds.
Loud girl on train: You don't even know, I'd slice a bitch for a pork chop.

Guy: [something in Spanish]... how do you say "altar boy"? You know, the ones whose little dicks the priest sucks?

Catholic during Lent: I wish I was Jewish -- I'm hungry.
Crazy guy: The Catholic Church is so stupid. I mean, Harry Potter--he's a good kid. And there's good and bad everywhere. Just look at all the bad shit the Catholic Church has done. I, um, can tell you through telekenesis all the bad shit that Church has done over the years.
Little girl is zipping and unzipping the fly of her pants.
Mom: For Christ's fucking sake, wait till we're off the train.
Catholic priest: The kid got his ass beat, he deserved it.

Guy to buddies: This chick was so ugly I wouldn't want to cum on her face.

Great friend: No, I mean, most Korean girls are really photogenic... just not you.

Hipster chick: I am so glad my ex-boyfriend and I have become friends again. I mean, I know he sued me and everything, but it just feels so good.

Man on cell: You do not have a receptive bone in your fucking body!
Hipster girl on cell: Can I just tell you how much I hope my manager gets hit by a car?
Angry spouse: You never want to go to Barbados when I want to go to Barbados!
Woman to her friend: The audacity of him tearing up this beautiful African-American pussy and not calling me afterwards.
Chick: A billion guys finger fuck a girl and walk away. Why I gotta get the only man who thinks it's love?

Man: Isn't "volvo" the medical term for a vagina?

Middle-aged woman: He was all over me. He said he couldn't get enough of me! Of course he has Alzheimer's.
A man and his wife are looking at a 9-month-old fetus.
Man: Hey, look at that, honey! Those would make great earrings!
Woman: Hello?? Preemie? How's your vagina??
Chick: . . .and the hotline to tell me what my incurable disease is is only open from like 7 to 9! And like, you can't tell me my blood is dirty and then have the hotline close!
Guy on cell: Yeah, everything seemed to have checked out okay, but when the doctor came back with my urine sample he said he was concerned about my pee being to dry.. .
Fruit-lover: We can damn near make blind people see and we don't have an orange peeler?!

Chick on cell: I woke up the next morning and there was a thong that said "eat me" on it in my bag!

Chick on cell: I am very tame. I promise. [a few seconds later]...and we're just doing a bit of coke for fun.
We were all worried because we thought she had narcolepsy. But it turns out she's just a heroin addict.

Blind man: Anyone wanna give up a seat for a blind man? Any seats for a blind man on the subway?
A woman gives up her seat.
Suit: Man, I have to try that one.

Tourist man: Honey, is this Times Square?
Tourist wife: No, I think this is Union Square.
New Yorker: This is Herald Square. If you wanna go to Times Square, just walk north until you see all the lights and shit.
Tourist man: Thank you!

Girl #1: Can I see your digital camera for a sec?
Girl #2: Not now.
Girl #1: Why not?
Girl #2: This is 125th Street. A little risky to be taking out expensive electronics.
Girl #1: Understood. I'll ask again at 86th.

Skinny girl: I have to start getting serious about anorexia.
Friend: Yeah, seriously!

A guy is standing outside the door to a party. A few other people arrive, and the guy says hi to each one. Each one says hi back, except the last one to walk in.
Guy #1: You don't say hi?
Guy #2: I just nod.

Conductor over loudspeaker: Oh you think you're pretty bad by not giving up your spot.
Long pause.
Conductor over loudspeaker: Don't go pretending that you can't hear me now!

Tourist girl #1: Oh my God, I feel like I'm in Sex and the City !
Tourist girl #2: Shut up, the natives can hear you.

Guy: You kicked me like a pony in the neck! Now I'm going to be slow for my entire life. You kicked me in the cerebellum!
Chick: That's not where your cerebellum is.

Waiter: Would you like to order now?
Man: No, I'm waiting for my sister.
Waiter: You said before that you were waiting for your wife.
Man: No, I didn't. I said it was my sister.
Waiter: No, you didn't.
Man: Would you like to be in movies?
Waiter: No, why?
Man: You have a really nice speaking voice. You should think about it.
Waiter: You really think so?
Man: Yeah. I make movies. You should give it a try.

Woman: Honey, no matter how rich we get, I refuse to move to California.
Man: Why?
Woman: Because I refuse to have a spoiled brat for a child! I would want to raise them in New York.
Man: If we're rich, won't they be spoiled either way?
Woman: Yeah, but I'd rather have a Hamptons brat than an OC brat.

Three guys are standing outside of a restaurant talking about hiding drugs.
Guy: Yo, I just tie it up with string and put it next to my nutsack.

Woman #1: That's why I don't go to that church anymore, I don't want to kick that bitch's ass in God's house.
Woman #2: Huh?
Woman #1: Fuck that, I don't want to go to hell cuz a that bitch, I'd rather fuck her up outside.

Tourist lady: Does this train go to 9/11?
Man: what?
Tourist lady: I want to see 9/11.
Man: You mean World Trade Center?
Tourist lady: No, I mean 9/11.
Other tourist lady: Oh no, you want the E train. I had this problem yesterday. New Yorkers are so unhelpful
Stunned silence all the way to 42nd St.

Girl: Are you a conservative or a liberal?
Guy: I know all teenagers are supposed to be liberal, but I'm pretty conservative.
Girl: Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean. I was conservative until last week when I saw V for Vendetta . How hot is Natalie Portman?

Salesboy: Hi, do you know about our sale?
Eurotrash: I know everything.

Guy: Hey, isn't that the painting from the ?
Girlfriend: That is not even a possibility.
Guy: [looks confused] Well then, it's one of them. And look! It was made in 1917!

Promoter guy: Do you guys want to see a comedy show?
Tourist mom: Oh, sorry, we have an opera tonight.
Promoter guy: Oh! ?
Tourist mom: No, .

Girl #1: So where's Matt?
Guy #1: I don't know, is he outside?
Girl #2: I don't think so...
Matt: Hey everybody! I'm back, I got the dildo!

Guy #1: Man it's got to be the weather, 'cause I've been crazy horny lately.
Guy #2: Yeah, chicks are a just as horny, only difference is our testicles hang on the outside of our bodies.

Suit: Hey, I got this suit just for the interview. What do you think?
Suit's friend: Looks good.
Suit: Yeah, it does. I look so good in this suit I could probably get away with incest.
Suit's friend: Incest?!?
Suit: One of the hardest things to get away with.

Twentysomething girl #1: After seeing that last body, I understand how he really did break his penis last year.
Twentysomething girl #2: Yeah, and you said he was just faking it.

Guy #1: Wow, there's a lot of weird stuff down here.
Guy #2: Yeah... this must be the "beyond" part.

Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound...
[Long pause]
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train...oh damnit.
[long pause]
Woman on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is an express bound Manhattan train approaching Nevins Avenue.
Guy: It's Nevins Street, lady! The stop before that is Atlantic Avenue.
Lady: That person needs to go the fuck back on strike. She went 0 for fucking 3.

Tourist #1: Where do you keep your wallet?
Tourist #2: I don't, I keep my money in my hair.
Tourist #3: I love how you two are talking about where you keep your money.

Yuppie businessman on cell: I don't care who designed them, you're taking them back... You spent $600 on a pair of fucking shoes!?Unbelievable... Ok, whatever, I don't care, this conversation is over... Goodbye! [to friend] Can you believe this shit?.... Lucky for her she lets me fuck her in the ass.

Guy #1: Man, there are so many hipsters around. I hate hipsters!
Guy #2: You're at the wrong place. That's like going to Vegas only to say "I hate titties!"

Chick #1: What do you want to do now?
Chick #2: I don't know.
Chick #1: Well, why don't we go to Webster Hall?
Chick #2: Where?
Chick #1: Webster Hall... I was talking to this girl on MySpace and she said that Webster Hall is this upscale lounge.
Chick #2: I could do with an upscale lounge.
Chick #1: I agree, I'm sick of these loud-ass clubs and shit.

Ghetto girl #1: He was like, 'I wanna see yo shirt on my bedroom floor' and I was like, 'Is this a proposition?' and he was like, 'What proposition?' and I was like, 'Where's my ring?' and he was like, 'Yo, bitch, I didn't steal any ring!' And then he just left.
Ghetto girl #2: I'm gonna say this cause you're my friend: You're soooo ghetto.

Drunk woman: Yeah, yeah, the tall one!
Bodega clerk: So you want the dollar beer?
Drunk woman: Yeah... but it better not be any of that cheap shit!

Teen girl #1: The only time I ever gave head I was really drunk. I just remember when he started cumming, I jumped up and screamed "Ew, gross!"
Teen girl #2: Ha, ha, ha. Who was it?
Teen girl #1: Well, that's why I think third base is disgusting. I just skip over it.
Teen girl #2: Who was it?
Teen girl #1: In conclusion, don't go to third base. Ever.
Teen girl #2: Alright.

Chick #1: Ugh, he totally meatballed me.
Chick #2: I that.

Guy #1: Is that the last Harry Potter?
Girl with book: No, there's one more after this.
Guy #1: What? How old is he? Isn't he getting a little old to be in school?
Guy #2: He's special, that's why he goes to magic school.
Girl with book: Yeah, Harry rides the short train to school.

Guy #1: Jackhammering is when you're banging her head against the wall repeatedly while plowing her.
Guy #2: No, that's a battering-ram.
Guy #1: Well, I prefer Rodney King style, beating her senseless while taking care of business.
Guy #2: Could you say that louder? One cook back there didn't hear you.

Chick #1: Ahh! Why am I, like, sweating?
Chick #2: What is your shirt made of, cotton?
Chick #1: Well, it's from Forever 21, so it's probably dead Chinese children.

Guy #1: The horse?
Guy #2: SJP.
Guy #1: S...J...
Guy #2: Oh, for God's sake: Sarah Jessica Parker! Don't be so innuendo-challenged; nobody will invite you anywhere!

Man on bike: I seem [pause] to have misplaced [pause] my fudge.

Nun: Can you spare some change for St. Patrick's Orphanage?
Asian girl #1: Sorry
Asian girl #2: Sorry
Nun: Damned chinks are all the same.

Teen girl #1: Here comes Peter Cottontail. . .
Teen girl #2: Hopping up the bunny trail!
Teen girl #1: What the hell? It's the bunny trail, you idiot!
Teen girl #2: How am I supposed to know? I was MJ'ed when I was younger.
Teen girl #1: MJ'ed?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, you know, Michael Jacksoned...
Teen girl #1: They molested you?!
Teen girl #2: Yes, they molested me and that's why I don't know the words to Peter Cottontail... whorebag.

Two tourists spot the people camped out in front of the Mexican Consulate.
Tourist #1: Are all those people trying to get tickets to a concert or something?
Tourist #2: Maybe. Do you think that's Radio City?

Girl #1: I hung out with Jeff last night, this guy I just met.
Girl #2: Yeah, did you have sex with him?
Girl #1: NOOO! I just met him, I only gave him a blow job. I know we'll run into each other again and I didn't want things to be awkward.

Girl: I'm thinking of an animal that starts with a .
Guy: Porcupine?
Girl: No. Wait, are those big smears of blood all over that subway map?
Guy: I think they're paint.
Girl: They're totally blood.
Guy: [looks harder] Yeah, you're totally right... Penguin?
Girl: Nope!

Old man: What?
Old lady: [silence]
Old man:
Old lady: She said "Reefer," not "queefer"!
Old man: What's the difference?
Thug: The smell.

Girl #1: So I think he died, right there in his place on 96th Street.
Girl #2: How do you know?
Girl #1: We were talking on the phone and then, nothing.
Girl #2: Was it hard for you?
Girl #1: Oh, I don't care.

Lady: If the doormen went on strike, what would they do?
Guy: They would stand outside their buildings and picket.
Lady: How is that different from their job other then the fact that
they would be holding a sign?

A little boy is eating a chocolate Easter bunny.
Mom: Don't eat too much of that. You'll get diarrhea.
Little boy: But I diarrhea.

Man: I need a cigarette.
Woman: You don't need them. You're gonna smoke one, get addicted, and one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna be dead.

Girl: I'm looking for a play for school.
Bookseller: What's the name?
Girl: Antigen.
Bookseller: You mean Antigone?
Girl: What's the difference?
Bookseller: One's a play about a girl and her dead brother, and the other is a play that hasn't been written yet about carbohydrates and proteins.
Girl: Oh. The dead one, then.

Guido #1: Tuna is not made from dolphins, bro.
Guido #2: I'm telling you, tuna fish is made from dolphins.
Guido #1: No way, bro, tuna are not dolphins!
Guido #2: Then what are they?
Guido #1: They're...chicken of the sea.

Guy #1: The richest guy in the world is an oil tycoon from Saudi Arabia.
Guy #2: Bullshit! You're telling me the richest guy in the world is from England?
Guy #1: England?? Saudi Arabia!
Guy #2: OK, Europe. Same difference?

Drunk girl #1: God, I have to take a piss. I hope this chick hurries up.
Phone rings.
Drunk girl #2: Is that your phone? I love that ring. Who is it?
Drunk girl #1: It's Richard. Who the fuck is Richard?
Drunk girl #2: Well, answer it and find out.
Drunk girl #1: I'm not answering if I don't know who the fuck it is.
They stare at each other and think real hard.
Drunk Girl #1: OOHHH! Richard's my dad.

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to rush onto this train, pushing others and possibly risking a fall, an injury, or worse. This is a 6 train and at this time of day there will be another 6 train every 5 minutes, so there is no need to risk injury... There will be another 6 train coming in 5 minutes. What do you think this is, the Tunaville Trolley? This is the 6 train!

Old mom: 9/11 was 3 years ago, wasn't it?
Aging daughter: No, 9/11 happened 5 years ago.
Old mom: Really?
Aging daughter: Yeah... but I wish it was 3 years ago, 'cause that would mean I'd be younger.

Guido: Hey you talk to me like that again, and I'll talk to my people, who'll talk to your people. And I'll have you buried under Yankee Stadium with JFK.
Other guy: Don't you mean under Giants Stadium with Jimmy Hoffa?
Guido: Whatever!

Old woman: I bought this Caesar salad, but I don't know where to get the dressing. Please, can you tell me where I can get some dressing?
Cute girl: Ummm, I don't know. I've never had a salad here before.
Old woman: But where do you think the dressing could be?
Cute girl: Well, possibly in the refrigerator over there... where they keep the drinks?
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cute girl: Well, that's my hypothesis, but it hasn't been tested.

Two male twins, dressed alike, in their 20s, address two female twins, dressed alike, in their 20s.
Male twins: Hey! Are you twins?! You twins?! That's great! We're twins too! Hey, we're twins too!
Female twins: Mmmhmm.
Male twins: You ain't twins! You lesbians! She look like she wanna get it on with you! You ain't twins! Hey, I'm just tryin' 'a help ya out! You ain't twins.
Female twins: [silence]
Male twins: I'm just tryin' a help you out! I have your best interest in mind! You ain't twins! Look! That one's that one's mother!
Female twins: We're twins. We are the same age.
Male twins: Then how come that one so much older than the other? You ain't twins! We twins! That's why we so tall! We the twin towers!
Female twins flee train.

Old man: [hiccups]
Old lady: I'll kill you, dead!

Suit on cell: Yo man, it's Wednesday, are you ready to go get drunk and nail some bitches?... Hold on... What the fuck? I'm just in a manic rage and I want to destroy everything. What's so wrong with that, Dad?

Tourist #1: I recognize that accent! Where are you from?
Tourist #2: Tennessee.
Tourist #1: Really? I'm from North Carolina!
Tourist #2: Where's that?
Tourist #1: Right next to Tennessee.

Little girl, pointing: Jewish people!!
Mom: Shhh.

Guy #1: The thing is, dating gets so much harder as we get older.
Guy #2: Yeah, especially if you're intelligent.
Guy #1: It's not like you can just look at a woman and tell if she's smart enough to date.
Guy #2: True.
Guy #1: I'd never date an Aries though.

Girl on cell: Well you know, when in Rome. Who said that, was it Jesus? I think it was Jesus.

Hobo: ...and the cookies from the sky, you know, man? All them cookies from the sky, like fuckin' meteors!
Tourist girl: Look, Mom, it's a Beat poet!

Teen boy #1: I make the best scrambled eggs!
Teen boy #2: Nah son, I make best eggs.
Teen boy #1: Ok, but when you eat my eggs... mmm... it's like eating pussy.
Teen boy #2: Whoa! You crossed the line there.

Drunk queer: I'm not a fucking asshole! Just because I said I didn't like Shania Twain, I'm an asshole?!

Guy #1: You look good though, lose a little weight?
Guy #2: I know, it's great. I can't say I'm crazy about the constant nosebleeds and cravings at all hours of the day, but it's worth it anyway, my appetite's gone.
Guy #1: What?

Guy: Have you ever been to D.C. before?
Girl: Yeah I used to go there and go to museums all the time for spring break because I'm not a, you know, go-to-Mexico-and-get-date-raped kind of person.

Guy: The thing? Don't they have dead babies there?
Girl: Hey, dead babies are the best type of babies.

Blonde on cell: Sometimes I wish I was a Mexican. Like, a Mexican boy. Life would be so much easier. [pause] You know, because they always have a lot of roommates. Like, 15 Mexican boys live together.

Guy to girl: So, that's why you broke up? I don't blame you -- you gotta microwave them first, otherwise they're too spongey.

Tourist chick: Do these trains go under water?
Guy: We're under water right now.
Tourist chick: Are there sharks?

Crazy guy: Ain't you people heard of the Treaty of Versailles? I gots mothafuckin' rights, mothafuckas!
NYU tour guide: Washington Square Park is the vibrant center of campus...
Crazy guy: Rights! You can't just be dropping mustard gas on me, like that mothafucka from Tennessee be doin'. The Treaty of Versailles says I got rights!
Tour mom: Oh my god! They have mustard gas here now? I you this city wasn't safe.
Crazy guy: This bitch understands that I got rights!

Girl: He had so much damn earwax!
Guy: Girl, I know... Sleeping with boys like that is just so awkward.

Workout chick: Don't worry, your standards are just off because you dated a fetus. Want some ice cream?

Mom: Don't think of it as losing a friend...but as gaining a holiday destination.

Chick: No, but is this makeout room? I noticed it before but I never realized it was the makeout room. Ha, ha!
Woman: I mean, we were, like, walking on this little scenic trail by the river looking down the hill and we see rocks, trees and, like, gay sex.
Girl: No, there aren't any fire escapes in this building. At least not any that we have access to.
Junkie guy: I'ma go back to 1903 when there wasn't nobody around!
Girl: So where's the fun aisle?
Woman: Did you hear? Peter got the good cubicle, with the high walls.

Dude: biotch. Spelled b-y-o-c . . . some shit like that. It's Chinese.

Guy: And as I walked out the door I said to her, "One last thing - if your pussy is so good, why don't you eat it yourself?"

Dude: That guy smelled like a bag full of assholes.

Guy on cell: Uh huh, and that's why you have herpes, dude.

Queer: This place is way gayer than last time.

Hag: Well, tonight I'm either hanging out with fags or lesbos.
Girl: Ugh! All we do in that class is talk about gay porn for 3 hours.
Thug guy: Nigga can't get a woman anymore because every fuckin' man is . Every time I open my eyes I see gay men . No more straight men out there. Can't fuck a woman anymore because they all want the gay men . I ain't ; I like . That's why we got AIDS because every man's a gay man . You stick da dick in da butthole you get AIDS. Gotta stop stickin' da dick in da butthole. Every man is and that's why we got AIDS. All dem dicks in da buttholes!
Old lady on cell: Aw, how's my wittle faggot today?
Girl: Look at the line...There are girls on it; you know what that means?
Crazy guy: Don't worry about me, I'm just a white dude standing here. I have a high VP position at my office with my boss who I slept with...who is male!
Tween girl: You gonna get beat by a faggot.
Queer: As soon as I met him, my gaydar exploded...and then I had to change my pants.
Fratboy: Is there a straight bar around here?
Guy: She was way too Christian and I was way too gay.
God Squad guy: Now I hate homosexuals for all the right reasons.
Guy: No, no, no, they're not going to kill you. Mormons don't kill
homosexuals. They don't kill people at all. They're really actually very patriotic and peaceful.
Promoter guy: Excuse me, miss, you have to stop. I'll have a fag attack if you don't stop those shoes right there.
Old man: If I had my way, I'd take all the homosexuals and burn them in Auschwitz.

Dude: I've fired 3 people in the last 2 weeks. One girl was fat. But she didn't know it. She would come into work with her belly falling out of her shirt. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Hipster girl on cell: Well, my diet pills are kicking in so I have to get off the phone and go to the gym.
B&T girl: Ever since she went skeletor she, like, gets everything.
Chick: I can't decide if eating will make me feel better.
Hobo: I'm not bad in bed! You're just ! These people need to realize they're and they are too ! Women in this country are ! You can't be on this train because you're too !
Woman: Buddy, your balls aren't as big as my ass, so shove over
Teen boy: Why is my leg fat so fuckin' jiggly?
Queer on cell: Just because she's heinous doesn't mean I'm not trying...Well, she weighs more, than, like, me...It's her attitude that makes her heinous, though.
Tween girl: I need to work on my abs.
Girl: So what time are we meeting them to go to the restaurant to eat?
Woman: Yeah she's not big as a house. Maybe a small cottage.
Dude: You know what I mean, man? They got these 400 pound cops comin' in and arresting people for weed! Man, you know what I'm saying? It's the same thing, though. They're addicted to food and it's okay.
Guy: Her ass was so small, she was worthless.
White dude: She fat for a girl that ain't fat, 'cause girls ain't supposed to be fat.
Girl: Oh my god, she was like a size negative zero!

Man: With this many books you are almost certain to make a mistake in your choice.

Woman: Do you have Malcolm X's autobiography? I don't know who wrote it.
Teen girl: I read all of Pride and Prejudice in one day, and then I realized that it's stupid, and disgusting, and that Jane Austen is superficial.
Guy: Yeah, man, Narania. You know, like The Witch, The Wardrobe, and The Lion ? Narania.
Professor guy: If I were you,--and I am just that, a time-shifted version of you--I would open the book to Appendix C.
Black chick: In English, it means "less miserables."
Woman: Did I say Barnes and Nobles? I work at Starbucks. Yeah, Starbucks.

Guy: Ooh, actuarial, eh? That's like birds, right?

Hipster guy: Dude, I'm not a racist. I went to Berkeley.
Woman on cell: Well, that's the great things about history papers. I once wrote a four page paper with eleven citations. It was fucking awesome.
Chick: If I weren't poor white trash, I'd be fully Ivy League educated...That's why I'm so bored at NYU.
Woman: Oh yeah, you know what I need to learn about? The metric system.
Man: I can't date a woman who's taller than me. Actually, I can't date a woman who's a lot smarter than me, either. But then, I haven't met any smart women.
Guy on cell: You teach literature in a school and you talk about the President ? At least he's done something with his life.
Hippie guy: That's plagiarism; that's different than ripping someone off.

Woman: I'm never going to be in the "in crowd" because the "in crowd" are all molecular biologists and have labs.

Hipster guy: I haven't been inviting everyone; I just told them they could fucking come.
Woman: I know it's going to be boring, but we'll have so much fun that we won't notice how boring it is.
Woman on cell: She didn't even invite her children to her birthday party....Yeah...I don't know for sure. She said she was trying to cut back the guest list, so...
Professor guy: So we'll finish up sheet 15 and move onto sheet 16. It'll be a party, I can't wait. It'll be my "sheet 16" party.

Girl: I think it's "Alzheimer's"; they're old but it's not "Oldsheimer's".

Old lady: If you get in that cab, I'll hide your viagra your teeth!
Old man: Don't worry, he won't bite. I'd bite you first, and I left my dentures upstairs!
Chick: What's gonna look good on her when she's 90?
Guy: I mean, I'm old school, but I'm not, like, colonial times!
Woman: He was all over me. He said he couldn't get enough of me!...Of course he has Alzheimer's.

Teacher lady: Kids, kids... ! Remember, no one else on this train likes children !

Mom: Look,you are 6 years old. Right. And your brother is 4. And I'm
pregnant again. You don't hear me complaining about being tired. Get over yourself!
Ghetto chick: You know, I can't wear acrylic nails no more. I flew off the handle and grabbed Michael so hard they started cracking and making my fingers bleed. And I can't be worried about bleeding fingers when I'm punishing my son.
Crazy guy: Ah, I'm being assaulted by a child! Ah! Ah! Wait, I'm from Harlem, I should be chasing you! Argh, I'm from Harlem, Argh! I wouldn't have kids; you have to buy them little red jackets, and that cuts into your beer money. You've got them running all over your house while you're trying to smoke a joint! Kids should be drinking liquor at 12! Drink liquor, kid!
Woman: Your voice! It's just like my kids, I tune it right out.
Mom: See? This is why I hate you fucking people! You act like monsters!
Woman: You heard they called ACS on that bitch?...How you let your baby fall out the high chair?
Mom: What have I told you about bodily fluids in public?

Girl #1: Oh my god! I just heard that Katie Holmes had her baby! Katie Holmes had her baby, everyone!
Girl #2: Xenu commands you to shut the fuck up while I'm on the phone with my dealer.
(cf. When we broke this story .)

Ghetto guy #1: Yo, you think that bitch is gonna blow up the train?
Ghetto guy #2: Nah, negro, she's white.

Black girl #1: Yo, she's not fly! That girl is fresh. Always buying stuff at Old Navy and wearing it the next day.
Black girl #2: Yeah, when I buy clothes, I let them sit in the closet for a week, until I feel like wearing them.

Guy on cell: Yeah, I was there until 1:30. They loved me.
Woman: Well, we don't! You talk too loud.

Yuppie lady: Excuse me! I've been calling for someone and waiting in aisle 2 for ten minutes, and no one came! This is ridiculous! You people are incompetent! You have things stacked so they fall! Look at my pants!
Black woman: ...So why are you telling me?
Yuppie lady: Because you work here!
Black woman: No, lady...I don't.

Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You're not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It's not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I'm a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I'm a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?

Salesguy #1: If you could take over any country which one would you pick?
Salesguy #2: What do you mean, "take over"?
Salesguy #1: You know, weapons, resources, control the army, stuff like that.
Salesguy #2: That's a hard question. I mean, I'm not that well traveled. People are so different in every country, different cultures.
Salesguy #1: Well, what if you could spend a year there, get to know the place?

Guy #1: I stayed the night at her place and woke early. She was still asleep.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I got up and was going to make myself breakfast. But when I cracked the egg open it got away from me.
Guy #2: Where did it go?
Guy #1: It slid down a crack between the counter and the stove.
Guy #2: What did you do?
Guy #1: I put everything away and climbed back into bed.
Guy #2: You know that shit is going to stink!
Guy #1: Yeah, I'm sure it will.

Lady: Naw. This quarter say Pennsylvania on the back.
McChick: Yes, ma'am. It's a commemorative quarter.
Lady: Yeah. But it say Pennsylvania. See?
McChick: Yes. Those are the new quarters.
Lady: All right. But if I find out I can't spend this, I'm bringin' it back in here.

Chick: Yeah, our RA put up this poster listing these words we're not
supposed to say because they're offensive.
Guy: What can't you say?
Chick: "Bitch", "retarded", "gay", "fag", "slut", and "gypped".
Guy: "Gypped"? Why "gypped"?
Chick: I dunno, it's offensive to gypsies or something.
Guy: Do gypsies even to NYU, let alone college?
Chick: Maybe she's from Romania and shit.

Dad: I may not be able to drive you to the sleepover at Joey's father's house on Friday. It's in the opposite direction and there won't be time. What we maybe can do is drop you off there Saturday morning. And we can have pizza ourselves, Friday night, instead. Would that work?
Little boy: It's a distinct possibility...

Little boy: Mom, is South America a continent?
Mom: Well, it's...there's North America and South America.
Little boy: Yeah, is South America a continent?
Mom: Uh, no. No, it's not a continent, it's...Um...

Girl: Wow! Did you see the rack on her?
Guy: Where?
Girl: Over there...
Guy: Man! You're not kidding!
Girl: See what I do for you? Who's the best girlfriend ever?

Cashier guy: Would you like to donate a dollar to the March of Dimes?
Girl: Uh, no thank you.
Cashier guy: Aw, poor preemies.

Teen boy #1: Fuck, these fucking Fig Newtons taste like shit. And what the fuck is a fig, anyway?
Teen boy #2: I don't know, but whatever the fuck it is, it looks like you're eating a shit cookie.

Guy #1: I love her so much...I won't even jack off to her.
Guy #2: I guess I don't love her as much as you do.

Hobo: Got a cigarette you can spare?...Give me a cigarette!
Girl #1: Hey, fuck you.
Hobo: Yeah, fuck you too!
Girl #2: At least we have a home!
Hobo: Yeah, I got a home too. In your mother's cunt, bitch!

Guy #1: Don't throw away that Gatorade bottle! I gotta do something.
Guy #2: ...Right now?
Guy #1: Yeah!
Guy #2: There's a pizza place right there!
Guy #1: They won't let me use theirs! Don't you throw that bottle away!

Hipster chick #1: Did you get to use the bathroom?
Hipster chick #2: No! They said it was for patrons only.
Hipster chick #3: What's a patron?
Hipster chick #2: I dunno. I think it has something to do with being in the army.

Guy: There is this guy who says that men and women are from different planets.
Girl: Oh, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus . It's just a metaphor.
Guy: Oh, right. They came on meteors.

Bus driver: Take it to the end of the bus.
Dude: What?
Bus driver: Take it to the end of the bus. I don't want to listen to you cursing.
Dude: What the fuck ? I am not talking to you.
Bus driver: I don't talk like that.
Dude: You look like you talk like that!

Teen girl #1: Do you ever have to fart really badly in class?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, like today. I ate a PowerBar and I've had to shit like crazy so I keep farting.
Teen girl #1: But you can't do it in class 'cause then it smells and people know it's you.
Teen girl #2: You can stick dryer sheets in your pants and then it doesn't smell as much.
Teen girl #3: But how do you keep them in there?
Teen girl #2: Well, if your pants are tight enough, where they gonna go?
Teen girl #1: Or sometimes you can ask to go to the bathroom and when you stand up your ass cheeks squeeze together and you can't fart.
Teen girl #2: But in the two seconds before you're standing you can't control it, then you fart.
Teen girl #1: Damn it, I have to take a shit.

Guy #1: Dude, I just shit in my pants.
Guy #2: My story wasn't that funny.
Guy #1: No, I really took a shit in my pants.

Guy #1: Man, what kind of dog is ?
Guy #2: I don't know, but it shits a lot.

Teen girl #1: Do you remember that show you went to?
Teen girl #2: What show?
Teen girl #1: The show at Christmas time?
Teen girl #2: Oh, the one with the Rockettes? Yeah.
Teen girl #1: Yeah...
Teen girl #2: What about it? Is that all you gonna say?
Teen girl #1: Yeah.

Guy #1: Man, what's wrong with your eye? It's all red.
Guy #2: Nah, man, I'm just tired, that's all.
Guy #1: You're tired in one eye?

Girl #1: Oh no, he didn't! He just texted me in !
Girl #2: Oh whatever, remember when you you used to caps everyone?
Girl #1: That was before I knew how to change out of caps lock.

Girl #1: So, he sells cell phones, but he makes like four hundred thousand a year! And he has this gorgeous wife and this gorgeous kid, and he smokes pot all the time and it never affects him...He is just amazing...It doesn't make sense.
Girl #2: Is he Satan?

Hobo #1: Hey man, pull yourself together. Get up, bro. Get up. I want to sit down, bro. Get up. Some people want a seat.
Hobo #2: You're a slut.
Hobo #1: Yeah I'm a slut, but you a ho.
Hobo #2: I'm a ho because of sluts like you.
Hobo #1: Look, man, look at the clock. It's 8:21, bro. If I catch you lying down on my train again before 12 o'clock, I'm going to kick your ass. You called me a slut, I'll kick your ass. Now you know.

Guy #1: Hey, watch it! Jerk!
Guy #2: Get a bigger dog, asshole!
Guy #1: Be a smaller person!

Old man #1: Do you know why a bunny is connected to Easter?
Old man #2: No.
Old man #1: It's because Easter is about fertility and rabbits are animals that are always copulating.
Old man #2: Huh, I never heard about that.
Old man #1: Think about it. On Easter, you have the bunnies and the bunnies have eggs and the eggs have children in them.

Little girl: Do you have HBO DIRECTV?
Little boy: I don't know.
Little girl: If you have HBO, you do. My favorite movie is on there: . It's about a girl who loves a boy and they're all frozen at the end.
Little boy: Who gets slapped?

Teen girl #1: Bitches be dissin' on Disney Channel.
Teen girl #2: Yeah.
Teen girl #1: But you know them bitches be runnin' home to watch That's So Raven .
Teen girl #2: It's 7:15.
Teen girl #1: Shit, we gonna miss it.

Little boy #1: Do you live on the Upper West Side?
Little boy #2: Well, technically yes and technically no.
Little boy #1: Okay, see you tomorrow.

Ghetto girl #1: I had like four pancakes this mornin'.
Ghetto girl #2: You mean like those little bagels?

Teen girl: My Facebook password is "pee".
Teen guy: "P"?
Teen girl: No, "pee". P-e-e. Like, to take a pee. I just couldn't think of anything. It used to be "poo". Whatever, it'll probably get hacked by some stalker anyway.
Teen guy: Who would hack your profile?
Teen girl: My brother did it before. He guessed the password in like three minutes.

Guy: Are you going to the gym after this?
Girl: Are you going to the mean house?
Guy: That was, without a doubt, the lamest comeback I have ever heard in my life.

Woman #1: So I fucked this guy last night.
Woman #2: Really? Cool.
Woman #1: Yeah, it was kinda hard trying to get the cum out of my work clothes...
Woman #2: Mm-hmm, I heard that vinegar and Tide can get that right out.

Crazy woman: What? Yes, send me the numbers, I'll help you with the numbers.
Med chick: Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Crazy woman: You dont have to be sorry, but if you want to make it up to me, make me some General Tso chicken and a pu pu platter...Why didn't you call me? By the way, who the fuck is Milstein?

Bus driver: Ma'am, you're going to have to move your bags. It's just common courtesy.
Old lady: Well, what about the wheelchairs who don't pay?

Dude #1: It's not that I have a moral objection to the death penalty. I just don't think it should be the government making the decision.
Dude #2: Would you prefer an angry mob?

Wheelchair guy: Hey, let me see that football.
Dude: No, sorry.
Wheelchair guy: What, are you afraid I'm going to run away with it?

Man #1: She fucks like a Puerto Rican
Man #2: Have you ever fucked a Puerto Rican?
Man #1: No. But I've imagined it.

Little boy: Huge ass.
Woman: What?
Little boy: Huge ass !

Lady #1: So she telling me that every year on Good Friday, at the time he passed away, 3 o'clock, it gets dark.
Lady #2: That's deep.

Crazy lady: Does anyone know how to get to the fucking G train ? I need to get to a fucking job interview at 6!
Man #1: I swear it's really not like this all the time.
Woman: What kind of job is she going for?
Man #2: I hope it's not customer service.
Man #3: Hey baby, just follow me. I'm getting on the G right now.
Crazy lady: Go suck a dead dog's dick.
Man #3: So what's that taste like?
Crazy lady: A dead dog's dick.

Hobo: If anyone messes with you in the office, just take the palm of your hand an shove it into his nose. Once he messes with you he ain't Jerry from accounting no more; he's an assailant and the rest of the office will respect and fear you.
Woman: How did your last office job work out?

Girl #1: Oh shit, a Jesus Bus!
Girl #2: They must be kidding...Oh my god, look at them, they really
aren't kidding.
Girl #3: Christ in hell, I thought people just drove those things around to be funny.

Man #1: It was kind of weird, she was going down on me and then...Well...She stuck her finger in my butt.
Man #2: You're kidding me! I didn't realize that Beth was like that.
Man #3: So what did you do?
Man #1: What could I have done? It kinda weirded me out.
Man #3: Man, if my girl ever did that, I think I'd punch her in the face.

Girl: Omigod! I saw you on the internet!
Hobo: You're like the hundredth person to tell me that tonight.
(cf. this entry .)

Black man: Why'd you do that? Throwing that money at me. You're stupid. Here, give it to me...You're stupid. Why did you throw the money at me?
Cashier guy: I set it down! I didn't throw it.
Black man: You're stupid!
Manager guy: Why do you have to make it personal?
Black man: Mind your own business.

Tour chick: Have you been to Ground Zero yet?
Teen girl: You mean the club?

Little boy: Mommy, you should try Black Swan.
Mom: Why don't you be quiet for a little bit?

Mom: Baby, now if you don't put your coat on, I'm gonna spank you.
Little girl: No! I will tell Daddy and he will spank .
Mom: No, baby, he will not. Nobody spanks me but Jesus.

Chick: Why you looking at her? Who is she?
Guy: I don't know, but she's sexy as hell.
Chick: Nigga please. She ain't all that. What she got that I don't got?
Guy: A pretty face, a nice ass, big tits, a banging body...Need I say more?

Guy: But you're Asian...
Girl: I don't know. You haven't been feeding me lately.
Guy: You're not a Tamagatchi!
Girl: Maybe I am.

Girl #1: I can't believe you hang out with that guy...All of your friends are such losers!
Girl #2: Well, I hang out with you, don't I?
Girl #1: I think that proves my point more than it does yours.
Chick #1: Well most of your friends are losers anyway. Who cares what they do?
Chick #2: No, of them's engaged.

Woman: This reminds me of the time my son caught us having sex in his bed.
Man: Which one?
Woman: The second time for my older son.
Man: Yeah...That was the filthiest sex ever.

Old woman: No! No! You need to cut from that side of the meat. Last week you gave me a cut from the right side. I want a cut from the left side! Don't you know that I want a fresh cut of meat ?
Deli guy: Only way you gonna get a fresher cut of meat is if I take it from your wrinkly white ass.

Chick #1: I felt a pop so I looked back and the string had broke.
Chick #2: How will you get it out then?
Chick #1: I don't know. Bend over and stick a tweezer up there? Imagine if I can't get it out and I have to go to the hospital, they'll lock me up!
Chick #2: Nah, people get weirder stuff than that stuck up their ass all the time, like animals and shit.

Guy: You know whose coochie smells? Don't take this the wrong way: white girls. White girls' coochie always smells nasty. Every white girl I been with, their coochie is stank.
Chick: You know why? It's 'cause white girls live far from the ghetto, and they have a longass train ride to get to the ghetto, and by the time they get to your house in the ghetto, they sweating and waiting and their coochie stinks.

Crazy guy: I give you Jesus!
Blind man: Is that Mel Gibson? You nitwit!

Latino: There's a six hour minimum wait for a SUV.
Latina: What?
Latino: To get a SUV, it's a six hour minimum wait.
Latina: What you mean, "a six hour minimum"?
Latino: If we want an SUV there is a six hour minimum wait!
Latina: So we can only rent it for six hours?

Guy: There's a very large building missing from my neighborhood.
Girl: A building missing, eh? Have you been smoking the dope ?
Guy: Yes.

Guy on cell: Bitch, you aren't coming out?...I haven't been home in a year and a half, get your ass out here!... ? I nearly died! I was shot! !

White man: Let's face it: if she had at any point owned an Uzi, it would be sexy.
Teen boy: I feel like buying a firearm...but I can't get a license. I really want to scare him tonight.
Drunk girl: "Citizen's arrest!" is the fastest way to get capped in New York.
Vendor man: The guy was standing over my baby shooting a gun; how did I not wake up ?

Suit: When you're 25 and you measure your hourly rate in three digits it takes a hell of a lot of grief to not make it worthwhile.

Cleaning lady: I woke up this morning, got on the train, and I asked, "Why, God? Why was I born so poor?"
Woman: You know, if you're born into poverty it's because you did something really bad in a previous life.
Fashionisto: ...and then September 11th happened and my job prospects were gone...So that sucked.
Man: I went on vacation and when I came back I didn't have a job.
Chick: I'd rather lick that man's ass than go to work today.
Girl on cell: I was thinking of just taking the day off and masturbating.
Black woman: What I don't understand is why they send someone out on training while everybody else is out on disability. That just doesn't make any sense.

Guy: Yeah, it's like all three of our neurons are coming together right now.

Dude: People who didn't go to Stuy are random.
Teen girl: Are those mountains over there? What are mountains made of?
White guy: This kinda science is extra stupid and hard 'cause I'll never use electrons and neutrons. That's why I don't get it.
Chick: It's awesome! So they really make you take it out to measure it?
Lady: Why am I getting fatter if I keep running around all over the place? It's like I defy the laws of physics.

Chick: My drama teacher said that she looked like she had been fed with a shovel as a child...He was my favorite teacher.

Woman: Is that my face? That's not the expression I thought I was making.
Queer: Janis looks like Nicole Kidman with a drop of Down's syndrome and a spoonful of Howard Stern.
Guy: There are so many 80s looking chicks in here it's not even funny.
JAP: Can I tell you? I saw the hottest guy on the way to work today. I think he was coming from work because he was in scrubs. I mean, he was in scrubs and he was just so hot. So I followed him for a while, and I didn't realize he was sprinting so I almost got hit by a cab, but he was just going to get his car. But I really wish I did get hit by that cab so he could come and save me. Yeah, I'm a little embarrassed I was following him, but whatever, he was hot.
Girl: Whenever I see someone who looks sluttier than me, I think I'm doing something wrong.
Old man: Look at all these ugly faces. These are the ugliest fucking faces god ever breathed life into.

Pilot: Welcome to the Titanic of airliners.

Woman on cell: I want to speak to whoever booked this seat for me. I'm in the middle of the middle of the row...in coach. Can you imagine anything more ? I'm sitting next to a Chinese woman. I don't know if it's their diet but I don't like the way those people smell.
Loudspeaker: Mr.--ha, ha, ha!...Mr. Punani? Ha, ha...Can Mr. Punani please come to Gate 12? Paging Mr...ha, ha...oh yeah...Mr. Punani to Gate 12.
Girl on cell: Yeah, but it's illegal to take sand on a plane?
Southern woman on cell: What airline are you on?...You don't know what airline you're on?...You're sitting on the runway and you don't know what airline you're on?...No, I won't let anyone know.

Man: But what I still don't understand is how some people don't enjoy getting drunk?

Girl: Yeah, but if we're gonna drink, then I need to get some tampons.
Drunk guy: Peeing while you are drunk is like having a quarter of an orgasm.
Little boy: Daddy, please don't buy more beer.
Guy: He was so drunko he didn't even know he was dead.
Little girl: Mommy, you sound drunk already.

Girl: ... so dogs were getting electrocuted and they kept telling people to put boots on their dogs--
Guy: What is with these New Yorkers and their dogs? If you want a creature that badly, have a child!
Girl: You are an idiot.

Man: So I'm just standing there, trying to get the guns from his hands--
Woman #1: Are they registered?
Man: Not in New York.
Woman #1: Ooh, you need to be careful. He could get arrested again!
Man: I know, right? So I have one gun in my hand, and he has the other one, and he's ready to give it to me when Susan starts freaking out.
Woman #2: Ooh...Did you know that they had a threesome with Trista?
Man: What? What the fuck? Why does he get all the threesomes?

Hobo #1: What's my name, man? What's my name?
Hobo #2: ...I know yo' name...
Hobo #1: What's my name? Yo' name is Joe Smith. See, you don't even know my name!
Hobo #2: I know yo' name...but you gotta tell me yo' name first.
Hobo #1: We in Heaven right now...if you see me, you not gonna know my name!
Hobo #2: Shit, we in Heaven right now? That's fucked up!
Hobo #1: I told you my name like a hundred times. I'm Larry. What's my name?
Hobo #2: You ain't told me yet!
Hobo #1: All right...we in kindergarten now. What's my name?
Hobo #2: Heaven. Man, that's messed up.
Hobo #1: Man, I love you.

Man: Excuse me...I just wanted to let you know that I was walking just outside this station and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and started saying something crazy.
MTA lady: Did he take anything from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!

Girl #1: I despise books about political science.
Girl #2: I just despise books.
Girl #1: You know, if I paid attention in class, I would know what, like, half these words meant.

Tourist woman #1: Oh, well I cannot believe that. I cannot believe that they would write that!
Tourist woman #2: What did it say?
Tourist woman #1: "Bush to Appoint Someone to Run Country"! It's just so ignorant! And to get front page too!
Tourist woman #2: ...Are you sure this was a real newspaper?

Tween girl: I lost my cell phone twice and then got a new one. And I lost my GameBoy. And got a new one.
Tween boy: Do you know how much that cost ?
Tween girl: Yeah, well, I'm crazy rich.
Tween boy: How many jackets you got?
Tween girl: Fifteen.

Hobo: How many people you run over in that thing today?
Half a man: None yet, although I could come back later.

Guy #1: Who is that playing?
Guy #2: Norah Jones.
Guy #1: Isn't she the one who started something?
Guy #2: Started what?
Guy #1: Like didn't she stand up on a bus?

Girl #1: Man, it sucks our TA is going to Libya.
Girl #2: Actually, she's going to Liberia.
Girl #1: Oh, what's the difference?
Girl #2: Well, Libya's in the North part, near the Middle East and Liberia's on the Western part where it starts to curve.
Girl #1: You mean near Chile?

Hipster girl #1: ...So now I feel really uncomfortable whenever I'm around him.
Hipster girl #2: Why? 'Cause you had dream sex with him?

Girl #1: I don't know how I feel about him. He's kind of an elitist.
Girl #2: Well, some people would say I'm an elitist.
Girl #1: Yeah, but with you it's funny.
Dude: Hi! Where do you keep your books about revenge?

Crazy dude: Daffy Duck is my favorite character, but Walt Disney was an anti-Semite and I'm a Jew. I used to watch cartoons but someone stole my television.
Dude #2: Daffy Duck stole your television?
Crazy dude: No. Daffy Duck is my best friend.

Security lady: ID!
Girl: I left mine upstairs in the library.
Security lady: You need it every time you leave the building.
Girl: But I told you I was going out. Don't you remember?
Security lady: I don't remember a lot of things.

Girl #1: I was a little drunkpants at the bar last night.
Girl #2: Oh really? What do those look like?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: What do drunkpants look like?
Girl #1: I don't get it.

Girl #1: What did your mom give you for your birthday?
Girl #2: Oh, just money.
Girl #1: When are you gonna go shopping?
Girl #2: I'm gonna save it. I spent too much money this weekend celebrating.
Girl #1: What better to spend it on if not clothes and booze?
Girl #2: I don't know. Donate it to starving children in Ecuador or something.
Girl #1: Blah, blah, blah.

Conductor #1: I have to head back to check out a problem.
Conductor #2: What's the problem?
Conductor #1: Apparently some guy is masturbating in his seat.
Conductor #3: Could you two please switch to another channel?

Girl #1: I know it smells kind of cheap, but I like it because it's the perfume I was wearing when I lost my virginity.
Girl #2: I thought you were wearing Ralph when you lost it.
Girl #1: No, that was my virginity.

Girl #1: I don't know, I think there was a language barrier.
Girl #2: Where is he from?
Girl #1: Well, Israel.
Girl #2: What the fuck do they speak there? ?

Guy #1: I think I'd come in third.
Guy #2: Why third? Why not first or second?
Guy #1: I don't know, I probably don't have the biggest, but it isn't the smallest either, so I figured third.
Guy #3: Wait, then whose dick do you think is the smallest?
Guy #1: I don't fucking know! I just don't think I have the smallest, so I'm sure I beat one of you motherfuckers.
Guy #4: Dude, sounds like you got a small dick.

Woman: Look at all these rude motherfuckin' men! Can't get up and let none of these ladies have a seat.
Man: Having a vagina is not a disability.

Mom: Nigga, chill! Grandma's going to make you some Spanish baked ziti. And I got me some tequila, some margarita mix, and a big ass bottle of tequila, and dat shit's about to get twisted!
A train rushes by on other track.
Mom: Damn! That shit just gave me an orgasm!

Guy #1: Damn that girl is . I'd give my left nut to get her a night.
Guy #2: Dude, why your left nut?
Guy #1: Because it's attached directly to your heart.
Guy #2: Oh my god, what bio class have you been taking?

Teen boy #1: People tell me that I have an "I think I'm better than everyone" complex. But the thing is, that I don't think I'm better than everyone, I I am. I'm more intelligent, more thoughtful, more articulate...
Teen boy #2: Prettier...
Teen boy #1: Well, I don't know about prettier, but I know I'm better than most people.
Teen boy #2: I know. The problem is when you say that, people think you're an asshole. And it's like, at work, I know I'm so much smarter than everyone there, but I can never do anything right. They never listen to me because I'm only 18 years old.

Chick #1: So she's in San Francisco and can't decide if she likes it enough to move there, so she makes a list of pros and cons.
Chick #2: What are the cons?
Chick #1: Well, the first one is, "too many Asians".

Man: What's the name of that wine? Lan?
Bartender guy: Yep, Lan.
Man: That doesn't stand for Large Area Network, does it?
Bartender guy: Er, no.
Man: Good.

Girl #1: I don't have a boyfriend.
Professor guy: Sure, sure, sure..I can go on MySpace.com and find out the truth.
Class: Ha, ha, ha!
Professor guy: What? You think we don't know about MySpace?
Girl #2: She has a picture of herself in underwear on hers!

Woman #1: You know, black is the new pink...Did you hear me?
Woman #2: Yeah, I just chose not to respond.

Woman #1: But not all Asian girls are pretty.
Woman #2: Oh I know, but he just thinks that, on a scale of 1-10, Asian girls start off with like a +10.
Woman #1: Oh, well that's good, because most white guys just see that they're Asian and don't consider whether they're really pretty or not.

Girl #1: I went to a ghetto reception.
Girl #2: Was she pregnant?
Girl #1: Yeah, and everyone was wearing jeans.

Italian lady: I think soemtimes I even like coming grocery shopping more for the music they play than the food selection they have.
Spanish guy: Eh, they never have any reggaeton.
Italian lady: Oh, are you sure it's not in the pasta section?

Teacher guy: You guys know that clock in Union Square that goes
backwards, right?
Teen girl: But why does it change?

Tourist lady: Excuse me, can I get to the New York Public library on this bus?
Man: Yes.
Tourist lady: About how far is it?
Man: It's a ten minute walk or a twenty minute bus ride.

Old woman: I need to see the lady to get my PIN number to activate my card.
Old man: They sent you your PIN.
Old woman: I need to see that lady over there.
Old man: I'm telling you, you have your PIN already.
Old woman: Just shut your fucking mouth while I see the lady.

Crazy guy: Jodie Foster is a top notch actress!
Girl: Okay.
Crazy guy: Julia Roberts is going down!
Girl: Are they going to fight?

Teen boy #1: Yo, why the fuck these niggas keep getting on? Ain't no room for them.
Teen boy #2: Next bus! Next bus, please!
Teen boy #1: Ugh, what the fuck, man? What they gonna do, climb up people's ass?
Teen boy #3: The bus driver should tell them to move back.
Teen boy #1: Pssh, that shit don't work.
Teen boy #3: Naw man, it does. Last time on the school bus, the driver was like, "Stop playin', niggas." For real, that's what he said.

Dude #1: Easy, Big Poppa, you're stepping on my shoes.
Dude #2: Sorry, it's a little crowded in here.
Dude #1: I can tell.
Dude #2: But I love it when you call me Big Poppa.
Dude #1: Seriously, get off my shoes.

Man: That banana is !
Girl: Yeah, I know.
Man: It must have been on steroids.
Girl: No, if it were on steroids, it would have been much, much smaller.

Girl #1: Ever notice how tightly girls hold onto their boyfriends when they are walking through Chelsea?
Girl #2: Right? It's like they're afraid he's going to run out into traffic and get hit by a truck.

Tourist lady: Excuse me, can you tell me which way Times Square is?
Guy: Um...really? Turn around lady.

Professor guy: What was the number one cause of death for pioneer women in the 1800s?
Chick: Beauty.

Teen boy #1: Okay, tell the truth. Have you ever tried to lick your own balls? I'll be honest, I've tried.
Teen boy #2: I've thought about it, I just know I couldn't do it.

Girl: Hey, you know I heard this guy did drugs one time, and he had some kind of permanent reaction, and now he thinks he's a glass of orange juice!
Guy: Oh yeah, I heard about that. He goes around telling people not to tip him!
Girl: Yeah, yeah. Hey, imagine if he saw someone drinking orange juice.
Guy: Now that would be funny.

Yuppie girl: Are you sure? I thought it was pronounced "you-mor".
Yuppie guy: No. It's "humor". Huh, huh, huh. With an "h".
Yuppie girl: Really? I've heard people say that. I've heard people say "you-mor". Who says it that way?
Yuppie guy: Assholes.

Teen girl #1: So I gave her her piece.
Teen girl #2: You gave her herpes ?
Teen boy #1: No, she gave her her piece.
Teen girl #1: Of chocolate.
Teen girl #2: Ha, ha, ha! "Gave her herpes." Her piece.
Teen boy #1: Herpes chocolate!
Teen girl #2: Knock, knock.
Teen boy #1: Who's there?
Teen girl #2: Herpes.
Teen boy #1: Herpes who?
Teen girl #2: Her piece of chocolate!...Hey, Milton! Knock, knock!
Teen boy #2: Who's there?
Teen girl #2: Herpes!...Milton, you have to say, "herpes who?"!
Teen boy #2: No.
Teen girl #2: You suck, Milton!
Teen girl #1: No, suck.
Old woman: That's true.

Man #1: Yeah, so all comedians are Jewish. Jon Stewart, David Blaine--
Girl: He's Jewish? God, I totally want to have sex with David Blaine.
Man #2: Do magicians count as comedians?

Chick: Why doesn't anyone give monuments as gifts anymore?
Teen boy: ...Ha, ha, ha!
Chick: No, you know what I mean, like the Statue of Liberty.
Teen boy: Wouldn't it be great to blindfold someone, telling them you've got this great surprise for them, then take them to the Statue of Liberty, take the blindfold off and say: "It's for !"

Chick: So, where are you from?
Guy: I'm from Brooklyn.
Chick: No, you have an accent.
Guy: Oh yeah, well, my parents are Eurotrash.

Guy: You want to have lunch with me next week?
Girl: Sure, but not on Monday. I'm getting married.
Guy: You are? Really?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: To who? Is it Norman?
Girl: No, it's whoever my dad chose.

Girl: I really enjoy going to movies by myself these days. Most of the guys I date, we don't have same taste in movies.
Guy: That's a great idea. Plus, you don't get some weirdo trying to
"inadvertantly" place your hand on his cock.

Girl #1: Why you holding yo' nose? We all know it smells like piss in here.
Girl #2: I know it smells like piss, I just don' wanna pick anything else up into my lungs.
Girl #1: You jus' wiling cause of the piss smell.
Girl #2: Please, the elevator in my building smells like piss. In fact, in my building, I can tell you the apartment number of who pissed in the elevator.

Drunk guy #1: Let's start the East Village Fight Club.
Drunk guy #2: I'm in.
Drunk guy #1: The only rule of this particular fight club is you have to let your victim know you are beating the crap out of them for being too hip.

Hobo: Man, can you spare some change so I can buy a slice of pizza?
Brit guy: I haven't got any pizza.

Store guy: Ha! Nice scooter.
Girl: At least I don't work at Foot Locker, asshole.
Store guy: At least I don't wear plaid and play lesbian softball.

Guy on cell: Hey, what's up?...I'm at the Met game...The Mets are up 2 to 1, but Washington has 2 men on and nobody out... . No outs .
Guy #2: There's one out.
Guy on cell: Oh, sorry. One out. We've been here since 8 and I've been drinking since 8:30. I'm wasted...Listen, Ma, I gotta go, I'm missing the game.
He hangs up.
Guy #1: My mother calls to get the score. Turn on the radio!
Dude: Hey, Carlos! Steal second, I won't tell anybody!
Dude: Get off your knees; you're blowing the game!

Woman #1: Omigod! I didn't know that our lungs were so small!
Woman #2: Um, those are the kidneys.
Woman #1: We have two of those ?

Dude: So you gonna give me some fuckin' money? Give me some fuckin money ! I don't have two quarters to rub together; I can't
even call my wife. Give me some fuckin' money!
Lawyer man: I'm not going to give you any money.
Dude: Give me some fuckin' money! You are my sister! I have no money!
Woman: I'm not giving you any money when you are acting like a criminal.
Restaurant guy: Sir, you need to calm down or I will have to call the police.
Dude: Don't tell me what to fucking do. I just got out of Rikers Island!
Restaurant guy: Well sir, do you want to go back there? You need to leave or take the conversation outside.

Tourist dad: Oh my god, why does it say Grand Central? Guys, get off the train! Why is it Grand Central?
Chick: If you're trying to go to Times Square just wait on that platform.
Tourist dad: No, we're trying to go to Grand Central Station.
Chick: Um, well, you're here.
Tourist dad: Grand Central Terminal ? How is it Grand Central?

Old lady: Do you have any glue?
Cashier chick: Yeah, what kind?
Old lady: Do you have any crazy glue? Not Krazy Glue, just crazier than Elmer's.

Guy #1: You are such a nerd.
Guy #2: You mean because I'm on my laptop during sex?
Guy #1: What?

Chick: I know you'll think I'm crazy, but I just don't believe that dinosaurs ever existed.
Guy: ? Well, where do you think those dinosaur bones come from?
Chick: People just make them and put them in the ground and then dig them up so they will be famous.
Guy: I can't believe you're serious.

Guy #1: Someone shouldn't be naked in your apartment if you don't know his name.
Guy #2: Unless he's a refugee.

Mom: Honey, smile!
Teen girl: Supermodels don't smile.
Girl #1: Let's take a picture! It'll be cute! Hee, hee, hee.
Girl #2: No way! I just ate!

WASP man: Yeah. I suffered in jail for 16 years with my first wife. My second wife died of cancer after 5 years. I've been married to this one a year and a half...Two out of three's not bad; if this were baseball, I'd be making a mint.

Girl on cell: She shouldn't be getting involved with any married man it's so fucking wrong, I don't care how bad the marriage is...Well, with you it's different because I hate the married guy you're with.
Woman: He cooks and he does dead people; what more could a motha want?
Man on cell: Baby, if you wanna be my wife, you gotta get yourself domesticated.
Chick: I told him, "You're married! You have a wife! You have kids! Go yell at ."
Woman: Can you not gain any more weight? One of us has to look good at the wedding.
Guy on cell: Three out of four marriages today end in divorce. I would
be pissed too if I paid fifty grand for a doomed wedding!...Don't get married! Come with us to Bangkok. We'll have tons of sex...They love American guys there. I fucked triplets there!
Woman: If people ask us what we want, I'm just going to tell them, "We what's on our registry!"
Girl on cell: I swear to God, I'm cursing their wedding day! This year was supposed to be about me...I don't care if it's my sister,
Mom!
Mom: You don't need braces. Your sister? She needs braces. We'll get you married off with your teeth the way they are.

Girl: Do you know they make cameras without film now?

Professor guy: So if I expose a robot to pornography and martial arts and he becomes a ninja rapist, is that my fault or his?
Woman: I need my computer. I'm going skiing and don't have a computer.
Guy: You are terrible with technology...and you're Asian!
Girl on cell: It felt like sticking your tongue in a battery terminal...You know? Like when you stick your tongue in the terminal of a 9 volt battery?...You don't?

Hobo: When I point, everybody smell collard greens.

Girl: Geez, it smells so bad like tuna in here. I can not deal with the smell of tuna. I don't understand that whole pussy smell like tuna thing. My pussy's never smelt like tuna.
Mom: Yeah, I do smell something annoying.
White girl: Ew, it’s going to smell like shit when we get outside.
-–Canal Street N/Q/R/W station
Woman: I put on my deodorant and a minute later I realized I had rubbed Icy Hot into my armpits.
Girl: Don't worry, don't worry...You smell like the subway.
Woman: You are getting an air freshener because your cleaning lady says the cat area smells?
Dude: I don't know, but I smell !
Chick: So I finally let him smell my feet.

Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years.

Suit on cell: ...so they buried her head under the sand, and y'know, someone digs it back up.
Lady on cell: I didn't start the fight! Janet did! It was Janet! And she said that right in front of my ! She's not human!
Dude: Hey man, I don't care what piece yo' wearin'. You step into my perimeter and I'm gonna do you dirty...Geez. Everyone's gotta be a gangsta these days, don't they?
Guy on cell: Okay, so the train that's coming right now, that's me. And the guy throwing the bottle at your head, that'll be me too.
Lady on cell: I'll tell her where I'm going, so if I get murdered, they'll know where I am.
Guy: Hello...Are you ok?... ? They killed your sister? Who killed your sister ?...Hello? Hello?
Man on cell: I don't know how to tell you this, but I was stabbed last night.
Guy on cell: Remember, this is the girl that poisoned you!
Man: Ouch! Don't bite me. I'll put you in the microwave.
Guy: It's like, what do you think, 'cause you're standing in front of me I'm gonna bite your ass? Unless you're a woman, I ain't biting your ass.
Mom: Now you children behave or else I'll fuck you up.

Mom: Indiana isn't a state; I'm not sure it will be on there... .

Woman: I was in Miami for the weekend and everyone was too nice; they were all saying "good morning". I didn't like it.
Old lady: Where do you think you're going? Trashy plates! You shitty drivers are always from New Jersey!
Guy: Yeah, so we just moved to Jersey, and we got a new SUV, so as you can see, things are going really great now.
Woman: If we are going to go to Hawaii I need to get my passport updated right quick.
Mom: Stop running around or Mayor Bloomberg's gonna come pick you up and send you off to that kid camp in New Jersey!
Suit on cell: You mean they change the clocks in Miami also?

Crazy woman: I'm still alive and breathing, thank you very much, despite the best efforts of the Devil.

Drunk guy: I can't believe you stole a statue from a church!
Chick: Like, I don't know if you are into God or like religious, but I
really want to sing music like that. Like all the songs you've written.
Lady on cell: So basically he was ODing himself on these pills. Who needs to take 10 pills a day? He can't be that sick...Oh wait, that's him! I have caller ID. I'll talk to him, you get the minister. We need to pray...
Girl: Your punishment is 12 rapes and a Hail Mary.
Woman on cell: Read the Bible, stupid!
Teen boy: Man, you don't know nothing. They're Quaker ghosts; they can't hurt us!
Old man: Beware of the Christian rednecks! They're everywhere! And they're all !
Woman on cell: I have a life, and maybe my sister doesn't want to be found. And if something that bad happened, they would have come over to the house. Even if they found her dead I would accept that. Because I believe in God.
Teen girl: I can't believe you dragged me here; I don't know any of the moves!

Bag lady: Hey, you guys, can you help me out? I'm really hungry!...You need a dye job, you know! Your roots are showing.

Girl on cell: Well, if you didn't shave your vagina, this wouldn't have happened. By they way, I'm, like, walking down the street talking about your vagina.
Drunk girl: Dude...if I was Howie Mandel, you would be my soul patch.
Hipster guy: Have you been in that place? It's done up like someone's rec room and all the dudes have handlebar moustaches. It's like it's a requirement or something.
Guy: Yo, his last girlfriend had a thicker happy trail than mine.
Chick: You know what I wish they had? Febreze for hair.
Girl on cell: Yo, I'm walking down the street and I can see my shadow. My hair looks dope, yo.
Guy: You know Spring is here when I shave my balls.
Girl on cell: He's retarded, insensitive, stingy and on top of all that he's got stupid hair.

Guy: ...and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.

Man: One day these guys robbed this motherfucker. They threw a small dog into the window and when the dog was killing this little dog they stole . Motherfucker was still shaking the dead dog in it's mouth when the dude got home.
Lady: Damn, that silverback looks just like my uncle.
Exterminator guy: There were so many rats! So many of 'em that it pulled Diana Ross right outta me, I was all, " !"
Man: I am gonna rip her cunt out then have a dog fuck her in the ass.
Guy on cell: Oh, by the way, your dog snores.
Old Man: ...first you eat dog shit, then you eat cat shit...
Dude: Did I ever tell you I had a monkey for, like, two days?
Woman: It was so quiet, you could hear a rat pissing on cotton.
Professor guy: Love is just a hornet's nest of emotions! You're in love! You're jealous! You want to kill the person they're with!...No one else feels this way?
Guy: They have the most ghetto-ass aquarium ever. There's like, a twenty foot shark in a bathtub.

Guy: The thing about Cronenberg is that you have to appreciate him in
context to what he does...which is often unappreciable.

Queer: After studying, I would, like, defrag by watching Spice World .
Guy: I would rather on my than watch that fucking movie with him!
Tourist man on cell: It feels like I'm walking through the Matrix.
Hobo: I fucked Tony Curtis in the ass!
Crazy man: So you agree. Top Gun the greatest movie ever.
Thug guy: ...but Roger Moore be cool while parkin' yo car, and Sean Connery be cool while kickin' yo ass.
Girl: I liked it, but there was like, too much cinematography.
Chick: I met Clive Owen once, at the Natural History Museum. He was standing alone in a corner and just started talking to me about sulfur.
Fratboy: Teen Wolf II was the pinnacle of civilization.

Woman: So they're paying the kidnappers child support? I mean I know they want to support their child, but where is the money going? To those crazy people.

Guy: So they actually for you to go to math camp?
Woman: Having kids is not expensive. It's keeping them alive.
Guy: Yo, how you gonna charge tax on flowers? They come from the Earth! From the Earth, man!
Teen girl: So then he was like, "I'll give you 8 million dollars if you let me take a shit on you." So I told him that he was buggin' and that he need to shut up.
Salesgirl: Oh, I'll give him a discount, all right. The "you're-a-thorn-in-my-side-now-just-buy-a-couch-already" discount!

Megaphone lady: Don't buy from Canada! Don't go to Canada! Don't support Canada at all!...Don't buy Canadian beer!

Man: Gentlemen, I'll tell you what's bad. Philippines are bad. I was stationed there and the Philippines gives you worms.
White woman: She worked at the German consulate for ten years...And what did she say? She said the Belgians are even bigger assholes.
Chick: Ooh, Fiji! Don't they have mountains there?
Suit: I was in Asia all week last week, and I left my kids.
Man: Well, yeah, but people don't know I'm not Eurotrash!
Girl: Ah, I can't make it that date. That's the same day as the lay-in for the children of Uganda.

Teen girl: So I read that article and cried and cried until my Mom was
like, "Stop crying. You're retarded."

Tween girl: Oh, my, god. I know! She was so small I felt like stepping on her!
Drunk chick: Man, I can't believe I let that ugly midget provoke me.
Man: Yeah, the problem is that I'm standing in the...not the express line, what do you call the other one? Oh, yeah, the special people line.
Girl: Omigod, he was so hot. He's like retarded, he's been in school for like 7 years, but he has a perfect body.

Girl #1: Was he a virgin?
Girl #2: Yeah, I think so.
Girl #1: I bet. He totally needed a new haircut.

Girl: Do you sell tights with feet?
Store chick: Sorry, we only sell stuff that's trendy.

Girl #1: Foods do not make attractive accessories...We are not a society of Homer Simpsons
Girl #2: Homer didn't have food accessories.
Girl #1: But don't you think he'd have liked them?

Teen girl: You know, relationships are a lot like the British government. The queen thinks she's in charge, but the prime minister has all the power.
Teen boy: I wonder if people in the real world are subjected to this kind of conversation.

Hobo: Hey baby, will you marry me? Wanna get married?
Girl: No thanks.
Hobo: Will if you won't marry me, will you at least go on a date?
Girl: I guess I'd be paying.

Crazy guy: Can I taste some of your saliva?
Teen girl: What he just say?
Teen boy: He wanted to taste my salami?
Teen girl: Ha, ha. Say yeah.
Teen boy: Yeah!

Girl #1: It's official: I'm lactose intolerant.
Girl #2: Oh. So?
Girl #1: Well, I had a pasta for lunch in cream sauce. My stomach ain't having any of it.
Girl #2: It's coming outta ya?
Girl #1: Yes, Einstein.
Girl #2: All glooby globby?
Girl #1: Do you really have to do that?
Girl #2: Ha, ha, ha. You love it.

Promoter guy: This your first time at the Empire State Building?
Dude: Yeah, it is.
Promoter guy: Cool. Where are you from?
Dude: Native New Yorker.
Promoter guy: I don't want to talk to you.

Girl #1: ...I mean, I can think of plenty better reasons why I shouldn't date him than the fact that we're semi-related.
Girl #2: ...Um, I don't think a better reason exists than that one.
Girl #1: You are really turning it into something that it's not. the key word here is "semi".
Girl #2: No! The key word here is " "!

Guy #1: Oh, that really sucks. So she wouldn't even blow you? After all that?
Guy #2: Nope.
Guy #1: Did she at least finish putting up those shelves in your closet?

Teen boy: What kind of trains are those?
Woman: They're called the PATH. They go to places like New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Long Island.
Teen boy: How about Staten Island?
Woman: Whatchu wanna go there for?

Man: That's what she told me.
Woman: Wow! You know so much about a woman's cervix now!
Man: Yeah...She bit my neck the other night.
Woman: What?
Man: Yeah...I, like....she drinks a lot.

Mom: If you don't stop acting up I'm going to push you back into my tummy.
Little girl: No you can't.
Mom: And why not? You came out of me, so I can certainly shove you back in.
Little girl: Because if you do, I'll start screaming and call the cops on you.

Tourist chick: So far the experiences have all been good!
Cop #1: How long you been here?
Cop #2: About 5 minutes?
Cop #1: You just wait...

Waitress: Do you have a baby in that bag?
Teen girl: No, I have books.
Waitress: Oh, well, it's almost like a baby.

Suit #1: I don't know if I have enough on this one card.
Suit #2: Do you have another one?
Suit #1: Yeah, but do you think they'll let me use more than one?
Suit #2: Look, there's a brotha on the register. He'll understand.

Guy #1: Why don't we make him escaping a bank robbery?
Guy #2: Okay, he just robbed a bank and now he's eating lunch with his girlfriend.

Hobo: You have a quarter for a cup of coffee?
Suit: Excuse me, can't you see I'm on the phone?
Hobo: I don't have time for games !

Guy #1: You should feel honored to live in New Jersey.
Guy #2: I like living in Jersey. It just really sucks commuting here every day.
Guy #1: It's like the Jews being kosher. It's the price you pay for being chosen.

Girl #1: Randy won't stop coming on my face.
Girl #2: ...Are you going to finish your bagel?

Guy: So I was invited to a party at Natalie Portman's apartment, and--
Girl: Natalie Portman from The Facts Of Life ?

Ghetto guy: I meant to say it like dat, dat's my new ting, the Jamaican vibe.
Girl: Jamaicans don't talk like that. Weirdo.
Ghetto guy: Yeah, they do. Hater. I tink usa hater, mon! Blocka, blocka, blocka.
Girl: I'm about to swing a block against your head. I know a lot of Jamaicans. They don't talk like that.
Ghetto guy: I ain't pickin at 'em. I just like how they talk. And the day you swing a block at my head, you betta know Jesus!

Man: You could turn people to stone with your eyes.
Girl: Dude, there are lots of other people on this train, go hit on someone else.
Man: I know, but you're the closest and I don't want to move because I have to pee.

Girl #1: So yeah, I'm the designated drunk.
Girl #2: How do you become the designated drunk?
Girl #1: I dunno, they just gave me the name.

Ghetto guy #1: You got a Hasidic for a boss? Ha, ha, ha.
Ghetto guy #2: Yeah, that guy is cheap.
Ghetto guy #1: Yo. They got all the dough. All the dough...Dude wear the same clothes every day!
Ghetto guy #2: Ha, ha, ha. Yo, that motherfucker is cheap.
Ghetto guy #1: Same clothes, man. You got the little boy shit, the teenager shit, then the man shit. Three sets of clothes for the entire life. They got all the dough.

Chick #1: Hooray, I'm free!
Chick #2: You'd better take your nametag off, then.
Chick #1: Yeah, I don't want guys who come up to me being all, "Hello, ."

Old lady: Good lord, I thought maybe you'd fallen in the toilet again.
Old man: That wasn't my fault and you know it!
Old lady: That is the last time I ever clean the toilet seat and let you sit on it right after.
Old man: Can we just enjoy the show?

Old man #1: Would you like something to drink?
Old man #2: Sure, what is there?
Old man #1: Well, there is white wine and white wine.
Old man #2: I'll take the white wine. What are you having?
Old man #1: White wine.

Teen boy: No, really, she scares me.
Teen girl: Is that why you tell people you are gay?
Teen boy: What? No!
Teen girl: you gay?
Teen boy: I just don't want to have a girlfriend.
Teen girl: What if she only wanted to have sex?
Teen boy: I am a good person. I have morals.
Teen girl: What if she had bigger boobs?

Hipster guy: I'm doing two 7th graders at a time now.
Girl: The same two?
Hipster guy: Naw, I couldn't stand those little bitches; these are their friends or something...and I don't even have to take my guitar.

Guy: What were you doing when I walked in this morning?
Girl: Putting on my pantyhose.
Guy: You looked like a turtle. Don't ever make me see that again.

Guy #1: Hey, where's Gus?
Girl: I dunno, he was smoking a cigarette and I left. Where is Gus?
Guy #1: Uh oh.
Guy #2: You mean you just left him to die alone?

Woman looking at statue: Did Columbus even make it to Manhattan?
Tourist guy: Lots of people, smells really bad... It's just like I always imagined.

Queer to hippie chick: I read what you wrote, and it totally made me want to do mushrooms with you.
Girl: I wish I could bleach my brain.

Woman: I find the suburbs to be extremely frightening. I know they all have air conditioning, but still... --6 train
Twentysomething guy: The quality of life here is so bad...I mean, if you enjoy drinking all night and having random sex, you'll like living in New York.

Casting person: Ok, here's the problem, they don't wan't a baby with a huge head compared to his chest, nor do they want to see gross veins all over its chest. They want the fucking Gerber baby, ok?
Friend to new mother with infant: All babies look great in black. Did you know that?
Woman: Actually, now that they've started talking, the twins are much less creepy.

Man on cell: I love you baby, but I just can't be looking at your face everyday like that.
Guy to friend: She had that ugly-ass quality about her.

Black guy to his dad: You have to help me. My cock is turning into one of those fucking curly fries.
Woman: So I told him, if that's the urethra you got the wrong hole.

Very old homeless woman to sleeping homeless man: You don't even how good looking you are!
Little boy: I want your DNA.

Ghetto teen: If Jesus was with you, he'd smack you over the head and call you a dick!
Girl to friends: Do either of you have a really nice picture of Jesus? I need to make an ashtray.

Guy: I mean, why spend my money to put up bail when she's just going to wind up doing time anyway?
Chick on cell: The thing is, he doesn't freeze meat. Yeah, it's an issue.

Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.
Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.
Chick on cell: ...so not only am I self-medicating through random sexual encounters...
Chick to friends: He was like, "Say you love me. Say my name. Say, 'I love you John*!' And I was like, "Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?"

Black lady: I don't eat fried food. Grease is the enemy. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted fried food all the time. This one day, I left work to go eat some fried fish, and I ate it. And I stayed there. And you know what happened? The grease came up and the fish stayed down.
Suit #1 to suit #2: We can do whatever you want today. I just don't like the stuff you make me do that makes me throw up.

Girl on cell: It's Fleet Week here, so I'm getting laid.
Girl to sailor: Well, without your hat you're fucking ugly!

Girl #1: What's with all the little white men?
Girl #2: The Navy guys?
Girl #1: White, Jesus.
Girl #2: What?
Pause
Girl #1: In those little costumes... don't you just want to jump them?

Little girl, loudly: ROAR!
Little girl's dad: Leslie, stop it, you're scaring the people.
Little girl, quietly: Roar...
Little girl's dad: Very nice Les, scare them subtly.

Conductor #1: Uh, Jack?
Conductor #2: Yeah Joe.
Conductor #1: We need to stop.
Conductor #2: Stop? What do you mean stop?! We're in the middle of a tunnel!
Conductor #1: A door just opened.
Conductor #2: What the.....

Man on a park bench #1: Betcha never seen a dandelion turn from yellow to white. Even catch one half-way in between.
Man on a park bench #2: Betcha ain't never seen no baby pigeons. Ain't noboby never seen no baby pigeons. See all them big fat ones? Where's the babies at?

Really trendy girl #1: So do you want to go tanning after the gym?
Really trendy girl #2: Yeah, but I don't want to get skin cancer.
Really trendy girl #1: Yeah, me neither. That's why I wear underwear.

Female student: Do you guys have any empty boxes that I could possibly have?
Clerk: No, I'm sorry.
Female student: What about all of those empty boxes over there?
Clerk: We sell boxes, so we're not allowed to give out boxes for free.
Female student: Okay. How much are the boxes you're selling?
Clerk: Actually, we're sold out.
Female student: Okay, if you don't have any more boxes for sale, can I have some of those empty boxes over there?
Clerk: No.

Teen girl #1: Is Mr. Parker* here today?
Teen girl #2: No, I think he was deported on Friday.

Girl #1: Oh my god. My boyfriend just cheated on me.
Girl #2: Holy shit! Which one?

Orthodox woman, holding bag of almond meal: What do you mean it's not kosher?
Grocer person: Well, if it doesn't have a kosher symbol I would assume that means that it isn't kosher.
Woman: Does it have a kosher symbol?
Grocer, politely: You have the bag in your hand, miss. Does it have a kosher symbol?
Woman: No it doesn't. Why do you not carry kosher almond meal? I have been buying this for years and now you tell me it's not kosher.
Grocer: I can only guess that the reason we don't carry it is that then people like you would shop here.

Tourist lady: Excuse me, is this Central Park?
New York man: Uh, yes, this is.
Tourist lady: Are you sure? It seems a little off-center to me.

Conductor on PA: And remember, it's Fleet Week in the city and you'll be seein' lots of our service men and women in the streets. Be sure to express your appreciation and genuine gratitude for their service.
Young suit #1: For their services!
Young suit #2 Uhhhh, no; for their service. [points to scantily-clad girl with heavy makeup and fishnets] You'd thank her for her services.

Drunk guy #1: Man, I gotta get laid tonight.
Drunk guy #2: I'm sure there's a costume shop around here somewhere. You'd totally increase your chances if you wore a sailor outfit.
Drunk guy #1: Yeah... but I like pussy.

Girl #1: I just want to break her spine so that she can't walk anymore.
Girl #2: Break her spine...?
Girl #1: Because she can walk around. And that's what's pissing me off.

Woman: She locked me in a dog crate and poured hot wax on me.
Random passerby: What kind of sex is she having?

Dad: What are you going to name your new horse, honey?
Little girl with My Little Pony: Skankbag!

Drunk girl: I want to call my boyfriend so I can have sex.
Random drunk guy: Well, save yourself a call and have sex with me.
Drunk girl: That makes sense.......ok!

Black street performer guy: I'm going to tell you something I've never told you before....I am your father.
Young white boy volunteer: ...mommy?

Guy #1: I told you we shoulda gone to Manattan.
Guy #2: No way. I don't see movies in Manhattan.
Guy #1: Why the hell not?
Guy #2: They shoot people there. It's all silent than someone shouts something and then everyone is shooting. It's scary.

Teen boy #1: ....So yeah, I was like, "fuck those sheeps, man!"
Teen boy #2: Wait, did you really say that?
Teen boy #1: Nah, I said "sheep." "Sheeps" isn't a real word.

Six-year-old boy: The talent show is tomorrow.
Mother: Oh, are you doing anything?
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, 50 Cent.
Mother: Honey, that's a little inappropriate.
Six-year-old boy: What does inappropriate mean?

Drunk dude #1: You see, the East Village is not so bad, you need to get out of the Upper East Side more often.
Drunk dude #2: Fuck you bro, the East Village smells like feet, unemployment, and Indian food.

Older black gentleman in suit: Hey man, can you help me out?
Arab guy in limo smiles and says nothing.
Black man: I'm, uh, I'm lookin' for someone to go home with tonight. 'Cause I'm a gay guy, see. Well, I mean, I'm kind of a swing guy. I like to, uh... ascend to different levels.
Hipster guy walking past: What is it, like, a video game?
Black guy: Yeah! Yeah, baby, it's a video game. 'Cept when I win... I fuck you.

Tourist lady: Ahem ... excuse me sir ... em .. Could you tell us how to get to Central Park from here?
Dude: Sure, just take a left on 72nd and walk straight on.
Tourist lady to husband: See, I told you New Yorkers aren't rude if you talk to them nice.
Dude: I'm from Idaho, ma'am, I'm just here for Memorial weekend.

Girl #1: So I was thinking about milk the other day. Milk comes from cows. And what do cows eat?
Girl #2: Other cows?
Girl #1: No, dumbass! They eat grass! So it stands to reason, when you drink milk, you're actually drinking liquified grass.
Girl #2: Ugh, gross! I'm so not drinking milk anymore.
Girl #1: Totally, that's why I drink soy.

Obnoxious white lawyer to his China doll date: We'll have unaju. I think unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river.
Obnoxious white laywer to the Japanese sushi chef: We'll have unaju. Is it true that unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river?
Japanese sushi chef nods politely.
Obnoxious white lawyer to his China doll date: Did you hear that? Unaju is eel from the sea, and unaji is eel from a river.

Grandma to crying 5-year-old: Get a job if you want it that badly! Get a damn job! If you were in Russia, you'd be working. If you were in China, you'd be out working in the rice paddies. Goddamn. I'm gonna put you in a sweatshop. This is Grandma's weekend to find a man. Gonna go up to the Bronx. Gonna hit the BX and find a BK.

Girl #1 It's beautiful, where was it made?
Girl #2: [checks label on sweater] Made in Indonesia.
Girl #1: Oh, well with all of the bad shit going on down there, you wanna buy as much as you can while you still can.

Chinese doctor: Where you from?
Nurse: Poland.
Chinese doctor: Good, you speak Czechlosvakian. I need to translate, this man is from Beirut.

Girl: Oh my god. Don't even mention his name to me. I hate him so much.
Guy: You mean hate him like you'd wanna set him on fire hate him?
Girl: I mean hate him like I wouldn't even shit on him if someone else set him on fire.
Guy: Uh... I believe the phrase is "I wouldn't on him if he was on fire".
Girl: Yeah, whatever. It's all the same when you're lactose-intolerant.

Tall Asian teen: That was really funny.
Shorter white teen: Yeah, I'm sorry I keep calling you a fucking Asian.

Drunk guy: Hey there! Have we met before? I'm sure we have.
Sober girl: No, we haven't.
Drunk guy: Yeah we have! Where do I know you from?
Sober girl: No where. We've never met.
Drunk guy: YES, we have! I know we have!
Sober girl: Yeah, now that you mention it. We have met.
Drunk guy: See! I told you. Where did we meet again?
Sober girl: Your dreams, drunkie.

Hobo, suddenly lunging at random female customer: My meat! My meat! My meat! You took my meat! I saw you! You put it in that cart! My meat!
Gristedes staff converge on the old man who is dragged away, still clinging to the woman.
Manager, shaking his head: Yesterday, and again today, Jimmy!

Wife: l'll just be two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me.
Wife: Two minutes.
Husband: Don't lie to me
Wife: Three minutes.
Husband: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Guy #1: Dude, he was so drunk, he was twisted. He'd had like, I don't know, 25 shots.
Guy #2: 25 shots? Of what??
Guy #1: Of vodka I guess. He was sitting in his BMW holding the wheel and falling asleep.
Guy #2: He was driving??
Guy #1: Naw... Fucker was too drunk to realize he forgot to turn the car on.

Girl #1: I thought that sign said rape instead of rapaya.
Girl #2: It's papaya, moron.
Girl #1: I don't speak Spanish that well!

Black lady, screaming: Hold the train, hold the train!
Conductor: Why are you screaming at me?
Black lady, stopped and staring at him: I want you to hold the door so it doesn't hit me.
Conductor: Just get on the train
Black lady: Hold the door!
Conductor: Shut up and get on the train, God I'm going to hang myself.

Girl #1: The worst thing about when your favorite author dies is, you're going to get any new books from them.
Girl #2: Yeah!

Teen on cell: So how do I get to your office? Wait, which way is east? Towards the river? What river? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF TIMES SQUARE, I DON'T SEE A FUCKIN RIVER! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ASK SOMEONE WHERE THE FUCKING RIVER IS? MANHATTAN'S AN ISLAND, THERE'S RIVER ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Hipster girl #1: Oooh. She's all Chinese and thinks she's cute. I hate her.
Hipster girl #2: Actually, she's Japanese. I'm pretty sure there's a difference.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, the price of the food.

Guy #1: Hey. Is it hailing out?
Guy #2: Hail yeah!
Silence for a few seconds.
Guy #2: I said...
Guy #1: I heard you. Shut up.

Girl on cell: I'm on 42nd, where are you? Yeah, the place is on 46th. Where are you again? No, I will not walk down to 33rd just to meet your cunty face and walk with you to 46th...meet me here. Just go straight! You're not blind, you fucking liar...oh, Christ, there is no such thing as stress blindness...I hope you get hit by a car.

Girl #1: But I wasn't laughing at him, I was laughing at his little white penis in a black condom.
Girl #2: Yeah. Chris's penis is crooked, and I told him he could never wear one of those yellow banana-flavored condoms, because I might forget I was blowing him and think I was eating a banana.
Girl #1: You're an idiot.

Suburbanite guy: I was in this relationship for, like, eight months. We were in the same, like, mental place, y'know, like we were both so gay, like "Oh, I love you, I love you."
Suburbanite chick: Wait, gay?
Suburbanite guy: Y'know, like, corny.

Woman #1: I am so tired!
Woman #2: You don't look tired!
Man: Oh, you haven't seen her naked!

Girl in bathroom: Well, my friends live out here, but I'm from Manhattan, so I asked them what I should wear and they said this place was really casual. So I asked if I could at least wear heels..and they said no...but I can't drink in !

Scrabble girl: "Gooeesay" is not a word.
Scrabble guy: That's "guise."
Scrabble girl: Ha! Well, smart guy, you spelled it wrong. "Guys" is spelled G-U-Y-S.
Scrabble guy: Are you serious?
Scrabble girl: Sorry, there's no way I'm letting you get away with that after you wouldn't give me any points for "Steve."
Scrabble guy: How long have we been dating?

Woman #1: Want to come out with me and Brian tomorrow night?
Woman #2: No thanks. I have plans.
Woman #1: Well ok. I'll see you. Have fun with those warm bananas.

Man: Hey! I didn't expect to see you here.
Woman: Just gotta find a quick read.
Man: Wow. I didn't know hookers could read.
Woman: Yeah... I gotta do something while you fuck me.

Guy, about to hit on girl: Hey. [looks down at his sleeve as it slides into some bar toe-jam]
Girl: What's wrong?
Guy: I just got something on my favorite sweatshirt. [starting to get really stressed]
Girl: I don't know if you know about this, but there's these metal boxes you put you clothes in and it will clean them.
Guy stares blankly at her.
Girl: Or, if you're really lazy like me, you can just take it someplace and have a short Asian woman use the box for you.
Guy still looks at her, confused.
Girl leaves bar.

Drunk guy: Why should I invite you up to my apartment?
Drunk girl: Because I'm beautiful ASSHOLE!

Guy #1: Yeah, he's a pretty good director... what's his name again? The hobbit guy?
Guy #2: Uhhh...Peter something...
Guy #1: Yeah, Peter North! I love that guy's movies.

Hipster with small dog: I used to be in the Navy. What is your training?
Sailor: I'll be on a sub, learning to shoot nuclear warheads.
Hipster: Shit man, that's intense.
Sailor: I know, I'm not really into violence.

Guy #1: I got a letter from Rosalyn & Jimmy Carter.
Guy #2: Oh really? How are they doing?
Guy #1: Good, they want money.

Voice over PA, as train is pulling out of the station: How you gonna let your child run around like that? You call yourself a mother? I could've closed the doors on your child and then what? You would've been all sad and shit but I was nice, I chose to keep the doors open. You call yourself a mother... lettin' your child run around on the subway...

Man: What's that you're putting on your cheesecake?
Woman: My cholesterol medication.
Man: Um... I don't think that's how it works.

Girl #1: Hey, we gave your boyfriend a new nickname!
Girl #2: Oh yeah, what?
Girl #1: Puff the Magic Dragon!
Girl #2, slightly exasperated: Oh...is that because of his cock?

Super thin model/actress on cell: Urrgghhh!!! Jonathan left me again [pause] I can't believe it. [pause] For being too anorexic! Yeah, I thought being anorexic would be hot but apparently I'm now anorexic.

Hobo: Damn girl, yo ass look fine in them Levis!
Jappy girl: What? These are True Religion!

Gangsta #1: Tyrone -- he all smart and shit now that he got himself an education!
Gansta #2: How he did that? He go to college?
Gansta #1: Nah, he's too poor to go to college! Nigga went and got himself locked up so he could get his GED!

Put away your skewer jokes -- we've posted a new contest! Click here to read the entry and submit your headline. The winner of Monday's contest will be posted this coming Monday.
Winners of this and future contests will get a copy of the book Overheard in New York , signed by Morgan Friedman (until we run out).

Drunk Jersey girl #1: I can never submit anything to Overheard in New York
Drunk Jersey girl #2: Why not? You're in New York more than you're in Jersey.
Drunk Jersey girl #1: Yeah but by the time I get home I'm drunk and I forget what I heard.
Drunk Jersey girl #2: You're a fuckin' mess. Get a laptop.

Fashion queer #1: I wish the new Apple store sold food.
Fashion queer #2: They should sell food -- then it would be, like, one-stop-shopping on our lunch hour.

Girl on cell: Seriously George, I gained twenty pounds while I was in LA, and now every black guy in the city can't stop talking to me about my ass!
Guy slowly driving by and waving out window: Oooh girl, you so fiiiine...you gorgeous.
Girl on cell: Jesus Christ! There's another one! I've gotta call you back, I'm going to the gym.

Lady: Do you have famous cheesecake?
Waiter: Yes, the cheesecake.
Lady: Well is it famous?
Waiter gives blank stare.
Lady: Because I only want it if it's famous.

Woman: Oh, wow, Gloria, you dyed your hair! You look so much younger! You look great! [To man] Joe, you remember Gloria, right? Doesn't her hair look great?
Joe: Yeah, but she's still fat!

Guy in line to pay, on cell: Hi. I'm calling to say I want a divorce. I keep calling and calling, and leaving messages, and sending you texts, but you never get back to me. So I guess this is it. I'm going to have papers drawn up unless you call me back. Okay, bye.

Woman #1: She got a booty do
Woman #2: A booty do?
Woman #1: Yeah, you know, when your belly stick out more than your booty do?

Guy #1: So this girl comes over and I just want her to give me a blow job.
Guy #2: Yeah, did she do it?
Guy #1: No. She was all like, "I really want to hook up with you, but you won't respect me if I do." And I'm just thinking, "Please for the love of God, just suck my dick and I'll worry about the rest later." but I obviously can't say that to her.
Guy #3: Dude, that sucks. It sounds like she's a total tease.
Guy #1: Yeah. I know man. I really, really just wanted her to suck my dick and she's worried about all this other stuff.
. . .
Guy #3, as they're exiting the train: Do you believe we go to law school?

Voice over PA: This train will not be continuing and we need to evacuate the train. There is a car in the station so we are going to have everyone walk forward.
Guy #1: There's a car in the station?!
Guy #2: Yeah, a car from train...
Guy #1: Oh, thank GOD! I thought someone really fucked up.

Euro hipster #1: I got the soles of my shoes fixed.
Euro hipster #2: Your what?
Euro hipster #1 #1: You know, the soles of my shoes. The bottoms.
Euro hipster #2: I do not know this word.
Euro hipster #1: You know, S-O-U-L.
Euro hipster #2: Ah, like ass-soul?

Borderline-crying woman on cell: No I don't want to go to a fucking bar, I want to be with you, you asshole!
Ballsy dame: Well, that's thing men are good for -- playing the minor roles in .

Guy on cell: She goes to school in Pittsburgh. She's second rate. We go to school in New York. We know who we are.
Guy on cell: No, no. We only look down on people we're helping.
Wet dude: I should not have to walk in the rain! I am a very important person!

Creepy white teacher: And so the black people started to spread from Harlem. And now there are black people in all five boroughs.
Hobo to parked white-on-white Mini Cooper: Hate car! Racist car! Bigot car!
Girl on cell: I don't care if I am as white as a bar of soap, I can say bangin' all I want.

Woman on cell: So, your man coming with you tonight, or he still locked up?
Hobo collecting bottles: Man, I'm getting too skinny, I gotta go back to jail.

Queer to his friend after hearing raucous cheering coming out of a bar: Straight people are tiresome, yet amusing at the same time.
Teen girl smelling a candle: Smells like lesbian.

Woman: That movie's so stupid! They got King Kong and the dinosaurs fighting even though they are from different centuries.
Teen girl: You know, I don't think I even in dinosaurs.

Shopping girl: Look, those are pre-viewed! Wait, what does that mean?
Woman on cell: I'm not a HOOKER! I'm a PROSTITUTE you piece of shit fuck!

Well-dressed woman to well-dressed man: It's not my ears, it's your ass.
Black guy to white girl: Hey, Slim Goodie! I wanna take you home and fatten you up right ! Some KFC, that's all you need to juice that ass up.
Girl to friend: Girl, you know you got a hobbit ass

Guy: I said to myself 'he's never going to make it', he's a drug freak, he has three STDs. But you proved me wrong, my friend
Queer on cell: I had staph infections last year -- one from the gym shower and the other two from the Roxy, but we won't go into that.
Surly truck driver: Yeah, the test results came back positive... but I'm not going to tell her.

Little boy to his mother: Mommy, remember the last time you made a mistake?
Boy with ice cream: Does the five-second rule apply to sidewalks?
Little boy to duck: Uh, what the fuck, dude?

White girl: Yeah, they're actually adults. They just look like children because, you know, they're Asian.
White girl: He really was the smallest black guy I've ever fucked...and believe me, I've fucked plenty of black guys.
Black guy to Asian woman: We fucking taught you people martial arts! Egypt? What!

Well-dressed woman to passerby: Excuse me. Which way is up?
Stoned guy: I think I thought I had a thought in my head...but I was wrong.

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That's right. You threw up.
Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin' at the bar, talkin' 'bout "old school." How you gon' talk 'bout "old school" when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that.
Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel.

Husband: The male hybrids seem to want to breed but the females aren't interested, they just sit there and make no attempt to communicate with their peer group.
Wife: Are you being condescending? I sometimes think....I feel you're being condescending, especially when you talk about the hybrids....
Daughter starts to cry.
Husband: This is never constructive. We'll continue this later.

Junior high kid #1: Nigga you ghetto! That nigga's mama fed him Spaghettios for breakfast!
Junior high kid #2: Nigga what you eat then, fool?
Junior high kid #1: Nigga my shit's balanced -- Pop Tarts and Odwalla, nigga, breakfast of champions!

Guy: So, anyway, the short of it is, he is the only guy I ever slept with who didn't end up giving me money. He was amazing.
Girl: Hmm-mm. I see.

Mother: What did you say? He's a professor of cold-cut studies?
Daughter: , mom! He's a professor of Holocaust studies!

Kid: Daddy! Daddy! Can I give you a wedgie?
Father: If you do I won't feed you for a week
Cashier laughs.
Father: At least he asked this time... Usually he just does it

Girl #1: You think if I set up a gay couple I'll go to hell?
Girl #2: Oh, totally.

Suit: I'm going to have challah bread french toast for dinner tonight. My good-for-nothing wife can't make me dinner -- she's nine months pregnant. She's home all day, still in pajamas at 2:30 in the afternoon. Why don't you try putting on some pants, that will get you motivated.

Girl #1: Hey are you going to go see The Da Vinci Code ?
Girl #2: Yes! My pastor said it was alright as long as I watched The Passion of the Christ right after.

College girl on cell: I need that like I need a dick in the ass.
Random guy: I can help with that.
Girl, to guy: I was ... being metaphysical ... metaphorical?
Guy: I'll take it either way.
Girl: Yeah, sarcastic ... what she said [points to phone].
Guy: Well, I was being serious.

Guy: Thanks, ma'am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "ma'am?"? Do I look like a ma'am? I don't look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; "ma'am" is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "hot mama"?

Assistant: Probably not, I don't see them as Miracle Whip people.
Boss: How many times do you have to tell that story?

Guy #1: So what do you do now?
Guy #2: Grab some food, go home, have a shower, watch ...
Guy #1: There's no on TV at this time.
Guy #2: There's always on some channel, just switch from channel to channel and you can watch it 16 hours straight.

Girl: So I'm not the biggest comic fan, but these were from the thirties and I open it up and HELLO DONALD DUCK with an erection!
Guy: Whoa, porno.
Girl: Yeah, it was $4.95 which I totally had, but I mean...there was even this poem. "This is the tale of Donald Duck, he just wants a duck to fuck."
Guy: Was he...you know?
Girl: Circumcised?

Guy #1: I wouldn't have sex with her. I love my penis too much.
Guy #2: You said that kinda loud.
Guy #1: Don't worry, there's no Overheard in New Jersey.

Old woman: Where'd you park our car?
Old man: I don't know. What's it look like?

Crazy lady: Where would we be without Mexicans? You are a very hard-working people.
Mexican, working the register, nods.
Crazy lady: All the time I see your people working.
Mexican nods.
Crazy lady: Like no other.
Mexican nods.
Crazy lady leaves.
Mexican, to no one in particular: Soy de El Salvador.

Girl #1: Okay, I got it! We should all do coke for Melissa's birthday!
Long pause.
Girl #2: Uhhhh, no.
Girl #1: I meant that as a joke...ehhh, I think. I mean who would suggest ? [under her breath] Awww, damn.

White guy #1: Ready, I'magonna freestyle.
White guy #2: Bullshit, dawg.
White guy #1: Oooh girl dat ass is big and round and I like to hit it on the ground --
Passing black male: Give it up, cracker.
White guy #2: You gotta listen to me. Like the time with the syphilis, man, shit.

Jewish girl to black friend: I want a black boyfriend...what if I turned really ghetto? What if I start to wear baby phat? I'll be like, this is what Kamal likes. Ohmygod, what if he has his own made-up name? I'll be like, oh Styx just called me.

Starting today, Overheard in New York will be running regular headline contests. What you do: Click on the link at the top left of the site, read the headless entry, and let your brilliance unfold. What you get: Headline credit when the entry is posted, props from friends and coworkers, and a link to your blog (at our discretion).

Girl #1: So the entire time i'm watching this movie, I'm like, what the Holy Grail? They never explain what it is. And I'm thinking it's probably like, some kind of trophy or something...? Like maybe a fashion trophy...? Or something...?
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Yeah but no, it turns it out it actually has to do with like, Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene or something.
Girl #2: So it was like... Jesus's trophy?

Punk girl #1: You know what I smell whenever I pass by this store?
Punk girl #2: Heh, what?
Punk girl #1: Anorexia.

Girl: Where's the bathroom?
She tries to open the door to the conductor's box.
Girl: Who's in there? I have to use the bathroom!

Guy setting up stage: Hey did American Idol confirm?
Other guy setting up stage: Yeah, Simon confirmed for 1:30 PM.
Tourist: Oh my are you serious?!
Other guy: Hey Charlie, you were right, it fun messing with the tourists!

Employee: What kind of bagel did you want?
Guy: Poppyseed.
Employee: Oh, we don't have poppyseed. We have plain, everything, and cinnamon raisin.
Guy: Everything. I just need the opiates.

Girl #1: So I got that, like, Wal-stat stuff. Whatever the generic brand of Monistat is.
Girl #2: Dude, don't skimp when it comes to your vagina. That's an area where you really want quality.
Girl #1: Says the girl who slept with John!

Man: And if he's coming at me with his motherfucking knife, he's going out the window.
Woman: You ain't supposed to know about the knife.
Man: I don't give a shit.

Dad: You get back here! If you get hurt, I am going to take you to the hospital. I will be late. I will just stitch you up myself when we get home.
Daughter looks skeptical.
Dad: I learned how to do it in prison.

Guy: You have to accept the lord Jesus Christ into your soul! The Gospel says that if you don't accept the lord, you will burn in hell! Hear my words and heed my warnings! The lord will take vengance upon your defiance!
Woman: Here's a quarter! Shut the fuck up!

Guy #1: Anyways, how's Coco?
Guy #2: I don't have Coco anymore man. I got a new dog.
Guy #1: Really? What happened to Coco?
Guy #2: Coco hung himself.

Girl: Well, it's not as if he's just going to go around aborting fetuses.
Guy: Yeah, you're right.

Girl #1: So have you heard about all these alligators in Florida that have been eating women?
Girl #2: No
Girl #1: Yeah, like three women got eaten last week
Girl #2: That's hilarious.
Girl #1: I know.

Punk rock girl: I'm pretty sure they knew it was satirical.
Punk rock guy: They didn't think it was satirical, they think you actually think that.
Punk rock girl: But it was parody!
Punk rock guy: It was bullshit!

Twentysomething guy at urinal #1: Damn, some of the girls getting trashed here are only in high school!
Twentysomething guy at urinal #2: Yeah, I'm glad I didn't bring my wife.

Stoner #1: I dare you to snort this pixie stick.
Stoner #2: But I only have a five dollar bill.
Stoner #1: So, what's the problem?
Stoner #2: Dude, you can't snort with a five dollar bill. That's just wrong. It has to be at least a twenty. God, have some dignity.

Hipster chick: Why are you lying on the ground?
Drunk Peruvian starts doing pelvic thrusts.
Hipster chick: Are you talking to me with your crotch?

Guy: What's in the steamed little juicy buns?
Four-fingered Chinese waitress: 10 minute longer.

Girl on cell: Ugh, so I'm headed to the subway now. I just had to do this job where we were working with a construction crew so of course they were like "let's give the bull dyke all the construction work." And I'm like, I don't know how to fucking use power tools.

Black guy: Two for Akeelah.
German girlfriend: What? What are you buying? Two kilos for what?
Black guy: No. Akeelah.
German girlfriend: I don't understand. Two kilos of what? That makes no sense.
Black guy, rolling his eyes: No! Akeelah! Akeelah!. Akeelah! Two for Akeelah!
German girlfriend: I still don't understand.
Black guy: Akeelah and the frickin' Bee!!!
German girlfriend: OHHHHH!

Woman: *sneeze*
Man on street: God bless you.
Woman: You need to shave. You look fucking hideous.

Guy on cell: Yeah, I spoke to Jack Black about it... right, yeah. I think he'll do just about anything at this point. [pause] Jack Black. Jack Black. [pause] Oh, Jack White. Jack Black is the comedian. Yeah.

Guy #1: Have I ever told you that I got a ticket for public urination?
Guy #2: No way, that's awesome!

Woman #1: So, you know Tanya...
Woman #2: Yeah, skinny little thing. What a waste of a fuck!

Guy #1: What's a clamato? Isn't that a type of tomato? Tastes like a tomato.
Guy #2: It's a clam and a tomato.
Guy #1: No... Really?
Guy #3: Yeah. It's a combination of two words... you know, like dumbass!

Woman: Are these Japanese dolls?
Employee: Yes.
Woman: Oh, are you Japanese?
Employee: No.
Woman: Are you sure?

College applicant: I want to learn how to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Okay, well, we don't do that here -- it's a Criminal Justice college degree.
College applicant: But they told me I need to learn to shoot a gun.
Admissions rep: Who's they?
College applicant: The aliens. You know, .
Admissions rep: I see. Well, maybe you should go to the CIA.

Drunk guy to entire restaurant: Everyone I want to make a toast, raise your fucking glasses. Alright -- My girlfriend had an abortion, we are having a baby!

Ghetto high school girl #1: Gimme the camera!
Ghetto high school girl #2: Noooo! I need to take a picture for myspace. You know what that means!
Ghetto high school girl #1: What?
Ghetto high school girl #2: I gotta look cute! But it has to look normal, like I'm not posing.
Ghetto high school girl #1 grabs the camera and whacks girl #2 on the head. She snaps a photo.
Ghetto high school girl #2: What the fuck bitch!?
Ghetto high school girl #1: [looking at the camera] Oh my god! It's such a cuuuuuuuuuute picture!
Ghetto high school girl #2: Oh my god! I'm sooooo cute.

Girl #1: I can't believe you're about to get your culo waxed.
Girl #2: I can't believe you get your culo waxed!
Girl #1: You know I have an asshole phobia, for Christ's sake!

Cali girl #1: Where do you go again?
Cornell girl: Cornell.
Cali girl #2: Oh. Where is that?
Cali girl #1: Oh my god, don't you know it's in New York?
Cali girl #2: Umm no, you idiot, we're in New York and she said she just drove hours to get here.
Cali girl #1: Oh right..I think it's in like.. the state that New York is in? New York state?
Cornell girl: Yeah. Ithaca.
Cali girl #1: Right right! Middle of nowhere, right? Shithaca!
Cornell girl: Umm.

Guy: I'o'really mess with Queens, or people from Queens. [pause] 130th Street and 5th Ave, that shit is mad weird! You ever been to his house! That shit is mad white! You gonna get in a fight there. [pause] Who eats ketchup -- by is'self ?

Mom taking photos of son: Smile, sweetie.
[click click]
Mom: Smile from within, honey.
[click click]
Mom: Smiling from within means smile like you're happy on the inside.
[click click]
Mom: Okay, not that much.

Guy #1: I really think African Americans are bipolar. They all seem to have high self esteem, are hyperactive all the time, and are easily irritable.
Guy #2: Shut up nigga. You know I'm better than those cats.
Guy #1: And they can never hear themselves talking.

Anthony Weiner and what appears to be 3 of his staff get out of a black Chevy Impala with tints and a spoiler.
Stoned kid #1: Dude it's Anthony Weiner.
Stoned kid #2: Who?
Stoned kid #1: Anthony Weiner...the Congressman. He lives right there.
Stoned kid #2 looks back
Stoned kid #2: Hey Weiner! You're a Weiner!

Queer: Who's Joey Ramone?
Hipster girl: Oh my God, are you kidding me?
Queer: Uh, no. Who is he?
Hipster girl: He's a singer! He was like, in some huge band in the '80s!
Queer: What band?
Hipster girl: Um...
Queer: See? You don't know who the hell he is either. You don't even know what band he was in.
Hipster girl: It's on the tip of my tongue...
Queer: Sure.
Hipster girl: Oh well, I can't think of it. I think he's dead now anyway. Who cares.

Conductor: Okay, okay...all you white people get off the train here. That's right, hippies and hipsters. If you under thirty-five and white, you don't want to stay on this train no mo'. The next stop will be the ghet-to!

A flight attendant on an Atlanta to NYC plane is attempting to communicate with two Israeli twentysomethings in broken Spanish.
Flight attendant to Israeli guy: Sir, por favor, sit down. If no sit, I will telephonar el capitan and he will have to turn off el engine. It will take una hora to get to the gate if that happens.
Guy: I don't speak Spanish.
Flight attendant: What?
Guy: I don't speak Spanish. Speak English!
Flight attendant: Fine. Sir, please take a seat. The fasten seatbelt sign is still lit. If you do not sit down, I will have to call el capitan .

American man: So you're a tourist from Great Britain?
British man: Yes, I am.
American man: Where did you learn to speak English?
British man: We spawned the language, you know.
American man: No. . . that was the English.

Guy on cell: Yeah....it was a crazy night. Well, we were drinking wine....and, well, you know....one thing lead to another and pretty soon all four of us were in bed together.

Hobo lady with piercing tone walking the length of the subway car: I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry, can somebody give me some food? I'm so hungry. [pause] Nobody cares. Nobody cares, you all don't care. You are all selfish. Nobody cares.
She has reached the end of the subway car as it approaches City Hall.
Hobo lady to quiet plump lady: Honey, you need to get your roots done. Your hair is ugly.
Hobo lady leaves the car.

Homeboy to Latina chick: My name is TC. You know what that stands for? Too Cool, Too Cute, or Too Crazy, you gotta find out which.
Latina chick says nothing.
Homeboy: You look depressed.

Old man to dog: You ain't goin' to heaven if you keep pullin' this shit!
After noticing other people listening: Well gotta say !

Friend of patient: Has this woman been admitted yet? She's been here since 6 o'clock.
Triage nurse: She's not going to hear her name called sitting over here. She needs to be in the waiting room. They'll call for her when they can take her.
Friend: She's deaf.
Short pause.
Nurse: Well either way, she's not going to hear it.

Girl #1: As Shakespeare once said: "Thou shall not kill."
Girl #2: No, that would be God.

Girl #1: So when was your first kiss?
Girl #2: My 17th birthday.
Girl #1: How about your first time making out?
Girl #2: Also my 17th birthday.
Girl #1: ...first blowjob?
Girl #2: This is awkward. 17th birthday, again.
Girl #1: How about when you lost your virginity?
Girl #2: 17th.
Girl #1: How about the first time you --
Girl #2: I know what you're about to ask, and the answer is "my 17th birthday" again.
Girl #1: God damn! What the hell did you do for your birthday?

Tiny, incredibly old woman: And all that stuff about Sadie having a good heart?
Tiny, incredibly old man: Yeah.
Tiny, incredibly old woman: What a cold bitch.

Man on cell: I tried to call you yesterday but you weren't home. Where were you? What? Colonoscopy? Did he at least buy you flowers and talk dirty to you? Sorry, yeah that was out of line. I'll cut the crap now. Oh, ha, ha, I just made an unintended pun. No...no, sorry, man...hello? Hello?

Guy #1: So what should we get him for his birthday?
Guy #2: I don't know....what about a menorah?
Guy #1: What? But it's not Hannukah.
Guy #2: Yeah, but he's Jewish. And his room is dark.

Girl: Hey, you!
Random guy: Yes?
Girl: Not you, the guy behind you.
Other guy: Yes?
Girl: On a scale of one to ten, what do you think my chances are with the guy I just spoke to before you?

Man: Do you think a minute is the same in Egypt as it is in New York?
Woman: I guess so, I don't know.
Man: 'Cause you know that song "In a New York Minute," I think a minute is different here. It's probably shorter.

A woman on a crowded train has put her bag on a seat and is standing in front of it.
Girl: Are you going to sit down?
Lady: Yes.
Girl: When?
Lady: Soon. I'm warming it up.

Rocker doof #1: Dude we're having this flannel party. We're totally going to like put on Neil Young and CCR videos and shit.
Rocker doof #2: Dude I saw this movie about like grunge or whatever and everyone was wearing flannel... but it totally wasn't ironic!

Girl on cell: I feel so dirty...He rubbed oil all over my body. He's short, but he has blue eyes...so hot...I'd let him crawl all over me!
Old blind woman singing for money in the train: I'll rub hot oil all over your body ... and God bless the child, that's got his own, that's got his own.
Hobo lady: I been pussy fucked; I been ass fucked; I been titty fucked--and that was fun--but there ain't no love like the love of Jesus.

Crazy old woman: It's the United States government, they did this -- ruined my hair, my skin, my nails.
Boy: If you can find that channel on cable, it's all Castro, all the time.
Guy on payphone: I didn't say anything about smacking the fuck out of country.

Girl on cell: Hey [Kate], it's [Angie]. I was just wondering what the fuck I did last night. Call me later.
Girl on cell: Apparently, I took my pants off.

Guy on cell being way too loud at 1AM: Yo! I'm on Avenue M as in motherfucker!
Announcer: For service to 81st Street, take the downtown B as in bubble or D as in Ducktales.

Guy: I might move to the South Bronx/Washington Heights. SoBro is getting gentrified.
I'd like to get there before all the hipsters move in.
Girl: Just start saying it, they'll think you're cool. It's New York.

Guy: Man, we gotta get you on a J-Date sometime soon.
Limo driver: If you were my girl I'd quit lying and cheating.

Irate man on cell: It's all the same. Because Art and Commerce merged in '92. [Pause, yelling on the other end of the line] That's when the NWA album came out.
Woman: How am I supposed to know if I like it?

Woman on cell: My boobs aren't ready for this cold weather. They're still too new.
Store manager: You can't have a full facing of titties here. You just can't.

Middle-aged Latino woman to younger black woman: Listen, I got rights, ok? I mean I'll do the time for it, I don't care. On this train you gotta give people respect, 'cause everyone's a person. You give 'em respect, then you punch 'em.
Twentysomething girl on cell: Because I beat the crap out of him, that's why I got fired.

Nerdy high school girl: I got a B+ on my freaking Holocaust essay. How gay is that?
Queerspotter: He's so far inside the closet, he's in Narnia.
Drag queen: There are only two lesbian bars in New York, and that is because there are only five lesbians who tip.

Skinny white teenage boy, pointing to a T-shirt that says New York Fucking City: Yo mom. I want this shirt in the biggest size they have.
Mom on cell with son: Listen, you get home now, you only thirteen and you be fuckin' all them bitches.
Guy on cell: No! For the last time, you gotta set it on fire you put it on his doorstep. [To friend] God, fucking kids these days.

Teen: What's the big difference between this and the Holocaust Museum?
Guy: And he just kept talking about masturbating in the Guggenheim.
MoMA security guard: No, we just have modern art here.

Scrubby girl: ...so he said I spent too much on bags, and I should sell some. But I love bags, and I get them all on sale!
Professional girl: How much do you spend on bags a month?
Scrubby girl: Around a thousand.
Professional girl: And how much is your rent?
Scrubby girl: Eight hundred.
Professional girl: So sell some fucking bags. Jesus!

Girl: Little Italy is changing so much. Look at this place, this doesn't belong here...
Guy: Why not? It's called "Casa Bella." That means "beautiful house."
Girl: "Bella" doesn't mean "house."

Man on cell: Good morning! How are you?
Man: Tell me the bad news...
Man: No, really... Tell me the bad news
Man: You're PREGNANT? How did that happen?
Man: I know how it happened...but I mean...I thought you were on the pill!
Man: Well, what are we going to do about this? [pause] I can't have a kid with you. [pause] I'M MARRIED!

Girl #1: No, dammit. Not Italian. I'm so fat, you guys.
Girl #2: What? Shut up! You're skinnier than all my other friends. You're skinnier than me!
Girl #1: I have a fat soul.
Guy: The word you're looking for is "jolly."

Elderly woman on cell: Rhoda! Rhoda! It's Esther! DID YOU CALL ME? NO? Oh, well someone called me! I can't believe it! Why would someone call me on this thing?! All I want to do is be able to make a call, I don't want to have to deal with these messages and things!
[Makes another call] NORMAN?! NORMAN? You called me?! Why in the world would you ever call me?! NORMAN?
[To the rest of the car] It was my husband.

A Design Mom with baby bumps into a Design Woman coming out of Brooklyn Designs Show.
Design woman: Is that your daughter?
Design mom: Yes, it is.
Design woman: Oh my gosh! She's so...so...geometric!

Little boy getting out of car, looking down at curb: There's no rats here, Dad. You can go now, there's no rats.
Dad: Son, get yo' lunch bag.

White guy: Excuse me, sir?
Black guy: What's up papi?
White guy: I'm trying to get to 14th Street.
Black guy: You're in the South Bronx papi.
White guy: Holy shit! How do I get the fuck out of here?
The black guy laughs and walks away.

Getting on the crowded E at rush hour, a couple from Long Island forces into the train as the doors are closing.
Long Island woman: Come on people, make some room. [To companion] Can you imagine what it's like in that city in Asia, in China I think, what's it called?
Long Island dude: Japan?
Long Island woman: Yeah, Japan, that's the city! They push you into the cars there!
Random suit: You mean like you just pushed all of us?!

Girl on cell: And then she was all upset cuz she had gotten raped! [laughter] I know, well duh, what did she expect acting like that? Everyone knows you don't take your dog to a dog park right after it ends its period!

Yuppie tween #1: Avril is so hard core.
Yuppie tween #2: Yeah, but Ashlee is way more rock than Avril.
Yuppie tween #1: Avril is, like, ... woah!
Yuppie tween #2: But Ashlee has black hair and sings about her life!
Yuppie tween #1: Avril is so hard core that sometimes I have to plug my ears 'cause it's like, "Avril, you are so hard core!"

Columbia girl: I can't believe the 1 is skipping all the stops from 96th to 145th.
Guy: I know. You'll have to transfer at 145th for the downtown.
Subway stops at 145th.
Columbia girl: Is this where Manhattan ends?

Lady: Excuse me, can I borrow a light?
Tanktop girl: Sure.
Lady: Thank you so much. [Turns and whispers to guy she's with:] See, I told you. I think if you're nice to them, they're nice to you.
Tanktop girl: Tourists are so cute.

Boy: Yo, you know what would be cool? If they made -out instead of white-out.
Girl: Yeah! And yellow-out, too!

Customer: I'm not really much of a meateater. What would you recommend?
Waiter: Another restaurant.

Kid: What kind of things do you make?
Balloon-twisting clown: Animals, minerals, vegetables. That kind of thing.

Girl #1: Uh, so what's with these black lights in the tunnels? Are they doing construction? I feel like I'm in a club or something!
Girl #2: Sweetie, that's daylight.
Girl #1: Oh. But the buildings are glowing!

Woman petting dogs: Oh, don't you just love these little doggies?
Husband: No. I don't even like you.

Hot mom: That's because older people get yellow teeth. Daddy is eleven years older than Mommy. And Mommy has very white teeth.
Little girl: Why are they yellow then?
Hot mom: Where?
Little girl: At the top.

Rasta steel drum guy: This next song is about the comin' of the Messiah.
Jewish woman: Yeah! We're still waiting!

Two kids are looking at the Dove ad campaign showing Hanna-Barbera characters with new hairdos.
Kid #1: Yo, look at that Jetsons mom's hair.
Kid #2: What's the Jetsons?
Kid #1: You don't know the Jetsons? Dem's those niggas that live in space.

Hobo: Hey girl, wanna marry me?
Girl: [whispering] No, sorry.
Hobo: YES OR NO? Damnit, I don't have forever.

White girl #1: Look at that Asian girl! She's such a whore!
White girl #2: Dude, there's this Asian girl in my psychology course, she's a whore, too.
An Asian girl: Excuse me? Um, what is your problem? What, do you think all Asians are whores?
A very long pause.
White girl #1: Yes.

Hippy girl: So yeah, we are gonna be living in this yurt for a year without electricity or running water or anything. It's all about getting back to our roots and stuff.
Guy: No electricity or anything? What if you have to call someone or something?
Hippy girl: I'll just use my cell phone.

Girl #1: That Major English Texts class is ridiculous. You had to memorize soo much.
Girl #2: You're not even in that class! I'm in that class...so I would know. You shouldn't be complaining!
Girl #1: I'm the TA, asshole.

Jockman: Sweetie, you're being silly. I shaved my legs to be more aerodynamic.
Girlfriend: Don't talk to me.

Two guys are speaking Russian.
Girl: Are you guys from Russia?
Guy #1: Yes.
Girl: No way! My grandma's from Germany.

Girl # 1, looking at a picture: omg, I'm so fat
Girl #2: No.. you are just ano now.
Girl #3: It's ani, not ano.
Girl #1: No, it's def ano.

Construction worker #1: ...I don't know, maybe a dozen or so.
Construction worker #2: Okay, but how many have you had?

Girl #1: You know, I've always been interested in a relationship with my cat.
Girl #2: I think that's illegal... pretty much everywhere.
Girl #1: So is giving your donkey weed, but here we are.

Old lady on bench #1: When he was alive, no mail. Now that he's dead, he gets mail every day!
Old lady on bench #2: Nobody cares til you're dead.

Local hipster chick: Well, what did you think of the show?
Jersey girl: It was different... better than going back to Hoboken and falling asleep on my couch.

Guy #1: Everyone who has ever worked there has come back and robbed the place.
Guy #2: If it is that bad, you should call the Better Business Bureau.
Guy #1: All the owner does is comp her friends, do coke in the back, and think she is successful.

Suit #1: So she got really mad at me when I was trying to break up with her, she was like "You're breaking up with me cause you like me too much?" And I was like "Ya, totally." She just didn't understand.
Suit #2: Dude, that's rough.

Bored tour guide: Will your son use the gym? Does Satan like team sports?
Parents of shy 17-year-old: Uh. . .our son's name is "Sie-tahn". No team sports, but he's been a life-guard.
Tour guide: Oh, Satan likes to swim?

Queer #1: Do you know anyone named Jonathan who is here tonight?
Queer #2: I know five Jonathans who are here tonight. Why?
Queer #1: Because this guy named Jonathan just came up and started making out with me and then left.
Queer #2: That sounds like all five Jonathans.

Hunky doorman #1 into his lapel mic: He wants to know how much you can bench press.
Listens for answer.
To hunky doorman #2: He says, "enough!"

Kids break into the subway intercom.
Kid on intercom: Yo, this is the express train motherfucker. If you don't like it, suck my dick.
College kid: This isn't the express train.

 Daily Show warm-up guy: You all know who hosts this show, right?
Audience member: Craig Kilborn!

Female suit #1: So, we have time before the next meeting; should we talk over lunch?
Female suit #2: Sure, you're the food maven -- you pick.
Female suit #1: Any suggestions?
Female suit #2: I don't eat much. Just coffee and yogurt.
Female suit #1: You only eat coffee and yogurt?
Female suit #2: Yeah....Oh, sometimes i eat sushi.
Female suit #1: Oh! Let's do sushi!
Female suit #2: Perfect! I love sushi!

Girl #1: Where is SUNY Geneseo?
Girls #2 and #3: Geneseo.
Girl #1: Right, but where's that?
Girl #2: New York, it's a SUNY.
Girl #1: Wait, all SUNYs are in New York?
Girl #3: It stands for State University of New York! How could you not know this?
Girl #1: What?! This is just like that time you tried to convince me Spain wasn't in South America.

Guy #1: I hate my job, my boss is a dick, and if he does not get off my back, I swear I'll blow that motherfucker up!
Guy #2: Quit
Guy #1: Oh yeah, man quess what? I just got a kick ass raise the other week.

Coworker chick #1: Do you guys remember [Becky Thatcher]?
Coworker girl crowd: Yes!
Coworker chick #1: Well, I waited on her once!
Coworker chick #2: Yo, did you ask her why she burned down that float?

Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #1: Grazie!
Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #2: Why didn't you wear the right shoes?
Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #1: No, no, these are fine.
Old lady leaving The Tony Danza Show #2: Aaaah, blow me. They're terrible.

Queer #1: So the whole time you were married you weren't going out with men?
Queer #2: Nope.

Trust fund girl #1: But you have to have a baby. Babies are so cute 'cause you can dress them up.
Trust fund girl #2: Totally, and they are way easier then dogs.
Trust fund girl #1: You don't have to walk them even...

Dude: Is she a stripper?
Girl: I don't think so. Although she does hang around a lot of French people.
Dude: What about the guy...is he French?
Girl: Must be. He smells like hardwood floors.

Chick: I'm going to get some popcorn. Do you want anything to eat?
Queer: Nah, no thanks.
Chick: So just my vajayjay then?
Queer: Yep, thanks.

Girl #1: I told you I finally got that bag right? It was marked down to $200 and...
Guy: My god! Can you stop talking to me, your breath !
Silence until they exit at 96th St.
Girl #2 to friend: Dang, guys are mad grimey these days. He coulda been a gentleman and offered the sista a stick of gum or something.

Boy: Mommy, I see the eagle.
Mom: Congratulations, what do you want, a fucking medal?
Pause
Mom: And there are two of them!

Girl on cell: It kinda stops being sexy when you can't breath.
Little old lady: Oy Gevalt!

Hobo lady: It's gonna rain hard!
Hobo guy: I guess I'll get the soap ready.

Art magazine-type girl #1: I guess some guy was touching her ass.
Art magazine-type girl #2: What? I can't believe it. I've been riding the 4 and the 5 for like, six years, and no one ever touches my ass.
Art magazine-type girl #1: Really? I don't know. Maybe when it gets warmer you should wear a sarong. I definitely get felt up more when I wear a sarong.
Art magazine-type girl #2: OK, I will.

Twentysomething girl: So, you think I should tell him I'll sleep with him for that apartment?
Supportive friend: Oh, absolutely.

Twentysomething girl: What is the nastiest thing you can think of?
Twentysomething guy: A bloody vagina fart.

Girl: [chuckling] You know what's funny? We always manage to notice how much other people stink but we could never gauge how bad we smell.
Guy: Heh. That's so true!... Wait, you said that just to tell me how bad I smell.
Girl: Yeah.

College student #1: You look tired, what have you been doing?
College student #2: I've just been jogging.
College student #1: Like that? Why do Chinese people always go jogging in jeans?

Teen girl on gell: Can you believe he did that to me? Between you and me....
Annoyed passenger: ...and the rest of the train.

Woman #1: And I told him, I mean, you wanna gamble, you got to go to Las Vegas or Atlantic City. You out there gamblin in Brooklyn where they don't give you part credit if you part right.
Woman #2: Mmm hmmm.
Woman #1: They lost 10,000 in one day. If you in Las Vegas, at least it's still a trip. Go outside and get on the roller coaster. Get some buffet. But if you in Brooklyn, you still in Brooklyn when you done gamblin.

Girl #1: What's the weirdest thing you had to do for work?
Girl #2: Well, Moussa told me he once had to dress up as a strawberry.

Conductor #1: If you are traveling with small child, the elderly, or the intoxicated, be sure to take them by the hand as there is a large gap between the train and the station platform.
Conductor #2: Dude, shut up.
Conductor #1: Roger that.

Hipster: C'mon, there's another train, quit holding the doors. God.
Man squeezing past doors: Oh, shut the fuck up. I'm late for work. What are you late for? The vintage stores aren't even open yet.

Conductor: This is 59th Street, Columbus Circle. Next Stop 72nd. Please use all available doors, folks. , use available doors and walk to the center of the car. I'm talking to you, lady. Yeah, you in the purple standing by the door. Walk... in... to... the.... middle. Don't give me that face, just get in the middle.
Woman in purple: ! I'm switching cars. Fuck you, nigga!
The doors close.
Conductor: Haha, bitch.

Guy #1: So, is that Central Park over there? [points to a particularily wooded area across 6th avenue]
Guy #2: Nope.
Guy #1: So then it's Union Square, right?
Guy #2: Nope, it's neither.
Guy #1: So basically, those are just a bunch of trees?
Guy #2: Yup.

Thug #1: Yo nigga, what are they wearing in the hood these days?
Thug #2: Nigga, white on white is !

Woman rushing out of train: Does this train stop at the next stop?
Guy: No.

Staff member is interviewing a man who has just finished touring the museum.
Staff member: Is there any famous person you'd like to see in Madame Tussaud's who's not here yet?
Man: Tony Danza!
Staff member: ....Right.

Woman: Hey, when's that movie Snakes on a Plane ever gonna come out?
Old man: What? What's that?
Woman: Maybe it's just a joke. Like the "L" in Samuel "el" Jackson's name. I think that's a joke too, like, what is he? Samuel "the" Jackson?
Old man: Who's that?
Woman: Just eat your hot dog, dad.

Guy #1: Alright, we gonna have a good time today.
Guy #2: Eww, you use condoms -- when I do it, I do it for real!
Guy #1's girlfriend: And get the girl pregnant?
Guy #2: Something called birth control!
Girlfriend: That doesn't mean you won't get STDs.
Guy #2: Well, I make sure she doesn't have STDs!
Girlfriend: But all whores have STDs, and those are the only pussy you can ever get!

Customer: Are both those tuna?
Deli guy: Yes.
Customer: What's the difference?
Deli guy: This tuna is chicken.

NYU chick: Don't hug him, he did a very stupid thing today
Gay guy #1 goes to hug gay guy #2 anyway.
Gay guy #2: Ow, watch out. I waxed my whole chest this morning.

Queer #1: What should we do tonight? Something fun.
Queer #2: We could pierce something?

Woman sitting on bench with small dog on lap: You know that no matter what you do, I will always love you, right?

Woman on cell: No, I don't have any plans! All right then, it's a date! But first I have to bond with my puppies. Notice how I didn't say my daughter.
Woman to terrier: Come on, Jazzy! Come on, Jazzercise!
Tolerant person: I heard he wasn't really a homo -- just into male dogs.

A homeless guy is sleeping
Other dude: You smell like you want to be alone.

Hobo: So you say I'm a douche? A feminine cleaning product? Well I fucked your mama and now she's cleaner inside than out.
Guy to friend: Man! You need to quit smoking or buy a new toothbruth.
Thug on cell: Yeah! So now I gotta put powder on my balls....

Stripper: The makeup lady is finally here! I need to go get my eyelashes put on, 'cause I feel naked without them.

Hobo: I have a famous ass crack! I have a famous ass crack! Page 100, March issue of Vanity Fair !
Woman: I have so many singles, I need to go to a strip club.
Guy: Are we really not going to get to see your asshole?

Girl on cell: No, I haven't had a chance to blow him off yet.

Hugely fat guy on cell: Do you have any friends that don't care about a guy's looks, but just about his personality?...Right... No I understand, my sister's the same way.
Girl on cell: Listen, this kid asks me out and he doesn't have the audacity to even call me! What is his fucking problem? I mean, you know how upset I'd be if I actually liked him?

Tween to her mom: Oh look, it's those shoes you can eat! Wait, can you eat them? Oh, no, these aren't the edible ones.

Construction worker to suit: I like your outfit. Except for the tie; it's awful. Who dressed you this morning?
Chick at security checkpoint: I'm glad I'm not wearing my metallic underwear today.
Pronounciation-impaired middle-aged guy: ... he was talking about this place . And I was like ? It's not , you retard -- it's .
Girl on cell talking about her brother's prom outfit: He can't wear no silver shirt, he'll look like Puff Daddy. And I say Puff Daddy and not Diddy because that's, like, 1992.
Technonerd: You know what's a growth industry right now? Old lady clothes. Like Chico's.

Conductor: Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be moving shortly. There is a police investigation taking place on this train. Have a nice day.

Woman on cell: I always knew they were penalties for not paying your taxes on time, but I never knew those applied to me
Man on cell: Yeah! So this guy is dead. And they keep driving aruond like a bunch of knuckleheads. Just ridiculous. Well...Yeah...Yeah...Yeah..I'm gonna go now. [looks around nervously]
A woman is crossing the street.
Police officer in police car over loudspeaker: Fraaaaan.
An old man wearing a tweed jacket, naked from the waist down, is pissing in the middle of the sidewalk.
Cop in passing squad car: Be sure to wash your hands!
Traveler: Is Dimitri really in jail? Well, if you find him, I wanted to wish him a happy birthday.

Gangster into cell: Hold your hand up like a antenna, and maybe your budget-ass phone would work.

Woman walking down the street: It took me two years to figure out if it was a man or a woman, because the head and the feet... [turns the corner]
Fleeing passenger: Oh my God, he's pulling down his pants, he's going to pee, !

Tourist girl, Pointing at a set of glass windows: Hey, isn't that where Carson Daly lives?

One fiftyish guy to another: So, did you hear I won an Emmy?
Man pauses in front of LIRR waiting room and addresses the crowd: Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
No one does. Man shakes his head in disappointment and keeps walking.
Dude: I'm going out with him and David Bowie on Wednesday night.
Man at black-tie cocktail party: So all Alan Cumming wanted was a bag of weed.

Girl: I mean, I never want to get married. Like... never. But I really want babies. So I guess I'm just going to have a bastard.

Girl to friend: You know, when i found out precum could get you pregnant, I was so shocked that I hadn't been pregnant
Businesswoman on cell: So if you could think about that idea .....
Columbia girl on the lawn: And then it exploded and there was semen all over the road.

Young boy: Mom, my problem is that I just can't pay attention for long enough to do my homework the right way. I mean, maybe it's's just the weed talking, but I'd like to see someone.

Smoker: The sex was better because we were both conscious this time.
Girl at bar: I have this friend, Carrie. She's REAAALLLY funny. She takes pills.
Guy selling DVDs: Crackheads gone wild in New York! Real crackheads, no actors!
Brunch girl at outdoor table: You vomited ? Gawd, how does that even happen?
Middle-aged man: Oh, yeah... one more thing... Did you know it takes a pound of pot to get a reindeer off the ground? Yeah, man. Ok, catch you later.
Guy to friend: So she has to get liquored up to go to church? That can't be what g-d wants.

Chick: So, um, like, yeah. I mean, you know, I mean, well, when you think it's right but it isn't, you know, then it's like, um, yeah. I don't know what I'm saying.

Guy: Its similar to that. Not exactly the same as that. But it's almost similar.
Man on the phone: Why you wanna be a drag queen? Your dick is like 12 inches long and your boobs are as big as Dolly Parton's!
Man: Yeah, so we're going to see on the IMAX tomorrow. I love that big screen. I gotta sit in the back, though. That screen's too big. That's one hell of a screen.
Chick: So like, Filipinos are half Chinese and half Spanish, but like more Spanish than Chinese.
Chick: You either hate it or you love it. I'm in between.

Little boy: You be the president, and I'll be the terrorist.

White girl on cell: Yeah, I'm in the Bronx. [pause] A party. No...don't get off the phone. Because everyone on this train is staring at me like I'm a one-woman gentrification bomb!
Little girl dressed in pink is trying to wrap a scarf around her head.
Mother: Honey, don't do that. You'll look like a terrorist.
Little boy: Mom! New York City is being overtaken by taxis!
Man using an ATM: Every time I use one of these things I feel like I'm giving money to terrorists.
Little girl: Trust no one, mommy.

10-year-old white boy: He thinks all dark people are Osama Bin Laden.
10-year-old brown boy: That is a disgrace to me. I'm not even Hindu, yo.

Incoming chirp: Where you at?
Guido #1: I fuckin' this shit, man! In the morning 8 am, while I'm takin' a shit, all fuckin' day! "Where you at?" Just leave me the fuck alone!
Guido #2: Hahaha...Why don't you just turn it off?
Guido #1: Nah, then I wouldn't get chirped.

Aging Dungeons & Dragons geek #1: Man, I have to poop.
Aging D&D geek #2: Hmm.
Aging D&D geek #1: This is seriously becoming a problem... especially on Monday nights when I have to poop.
Aging D&D geek #2: Yeah?
Aging D&D geek #1: Yeah. See, I get home from work and I eat until about 8:30 but then I have to watch and I don't have time to poop. I don't even have time to poop during the commercials.

As the credits for roll:
Woman: I think that movie outsmarted me.
Man: Yeah, I think the movie won.

Chick: There are two types of men in this world. The type that would sleep with Paul Newman and the type that would sleep with Robert Redford, and they can't be both. What are you?
Gay guy: Paul Newman
Chick: And you?
Asexual guy: Um...Paul Newman.
Silence.
Chick: Aren't you going to ask me?
Gay guy: No, I don't care.
Asexual guy: Me neither.

Drunk blonde: How old are you?
Kid: 17.
Drunk blonde: Ever been with a 26-year-old?
Kid's father intervenes.

Guy #1: Hey, where did you find this eraser?
Guy #2: On that table over there.
Guy #1: Eww, it might have semen on it!

Man: Have you ever heard a man call his penis a gonzo?
Girl: No, but my boyfriend used to call his the Cookie Monster.
Man: Well, by the way you smell you should start calling your cooch Oscar the Grouch

Girl #1: I seriously love Barry Manilow. I'm gonna get Barry Manilow to perform at my wedding.
Girl #2: No, he's gonna be dead by then.

Girl #1: Hi...What are you drinking?
Girl #2: Hi. It's rum and cranberry.
Girl #1: Are you single?
Girl #2: Yeah
Girl #1: I love my boyfriend...but sometimes I just wanna fuck other people.
Girl #2 just stares at Girl 1.
Girl #1: Have you ever been in love?
Girl #2: Yeah
Girl #1: Didn't you ever just wanna fuck other people?
Girl #2: Umm...no. Not when I was with him. You might have a problem.
Girl #1: Wanna go to the bathroom?
Girl #2: Definitely not.

Conductor: Dyckman Street's next.
Teen boy who kicked down the door of the back car and got on the intercom: Yeah, motherfucker! Dyckman Street's next, nigga!

Friend #1: There's a virgin.
Friend #2: What?
Friend #1: There's a virgin.
Friend #2: What?
Friend #1: There's a Virgin record store out by Times Square. We should go.
Friend #2: Yeah.

A guy and girl approach a sleeping David Blaine in his bubble.
Security guard: Hands of the glass, sir.
Guy: It's okay, it's okay...I just wanna talk to him.
Guy and girl, putting both hands on glass: WAKE UP DAVID BLAINE!
Security guard: Exit! Exit!

Seven or eight-year-old boy: Daddy, who owns ESPN?
Dad: Disney.
Boy: The man or the place?
Dad: Well, actually, the corporation. They own lots of things. Like, they own the Disney Channel, and the History Channel, and Lifetime, and then they own Disneyworld, and the Disney movie studio, and...
Mom, with little sister in her lap: Oh, for crying out loud, enough.
Dad: . . .which makes The Little Mermaid and The Lion King, and The Lion King on Broadway, and they own ABC, too. And a bunch of publishing stuff.
Boy [after a beat]: What about ESPN2?
Dad: That, too.
Boy: All the ESPNs? All four?
Father: Yeah, now there's some valuable intellectual property, huh?

Tourist girl #1: You stand in front of me..and you stand in back of me.
Tourist girl #2: Why?
Tourist girl #1: You guys are my stab buffer. I'm just taking the necessary safety precautions.

Girl: Did you just say "jubble"? That can't be a real word.
Guy: It's like, silent onomatopoeia.
Girl: There's no such thing as silent onomatopoeia. The very definition of the word "onomatopoeia" contradicts silence.
Guy: Well, it's like the sound that boobs would make if they made sound. They'd go "jubble, jubble, jubble."
Girl: I'm afraid I'm going to have to smack you now. Seriously.

Teen girl: Hey, I'm a Scientologist.
Tom Cruise: Oh, really? What echelon are you in?
Teen girl: [awkwardly quiet] Uh... number three?
Tom Cruise: Exactly.

Girl #1: I sucked his balls for part of the time he shaved me. I don't know what possessed me to tell you that.
Girl #2: Possibly because you're you? And I'm me?

Girl #1: I heard Columbia Snacks is actually a pot service.
Girl #2: What, like they sell weed and stuff?
Girl #1: No, pots for dorm plants. Yeah, weed, girl. They just want to up the GPA here.
Girl #2: Huh?
Girl #1: Don't you know weed boosts your smarts? It's a fact that weed makes you dumber the day after. it's also proven that it makes you much much smarter the day after that.

Girl #1: So he was at my house and we were like, fooling around on my bed, and I was lying on top of him, but then I made him get up.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because if he got turned on, got hard, came, his zipper fell down a little and some come got on my pants and while I was taking off my pants it brushed my underwear and then went inside me, I could totally get pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh, right.

Man: Is Tom Hanks married to Rita Wilson?
Two women: Yeah.
Man: Is that why they called the Volleyball "Wilson" in Cast Away ?

In a dark movie theater--
Black guy standing up in his seat: Yo! I'm right over here, hurry up and get your ass through the aisle.
Hispanic guy: It's not my problem I can't see you in the dark, cuz you so black! The only the thing I can see is your white t-shirt, but everybody has white on

Asian guy: Teddy Roosevelt, there was a man. Out of the days when men could club women over the head and drag them off.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: What I'm saying is -- my thesis is -- the position I'm taking is -- the argument I'm making is -- there's never been a successful matriarchal society.
Asian chick: Hmm.
Asian guy: Byron "The Whizzer" White! He was a man. He could do it all. Feminism is bullshit. That's what I love about you. I can't talk like this around most girls.
Asian chick: Hmm.

Girl #1: I just got waxed. Feel my legs, they're sooo soft.
Girl #2: Ooohhh. Sooo smooth.
Girl #1: Yeah, you should feel my cooch.

Blonde preteen with braces: You know what's so weird? She's black and converted to Judo-ism.
Friend: [annoyed stare] It's Judaism.
Blonde: Potato, tomato. It's all the same.

Girl #1: Yeah, I know what you mean about whoreish action. One of my friends gave this guy head in a stairwell, like, five minutes after she met him!
Girl #2: THAT WAS ME.

Girl #1: I'm telling you, it's impossible to see all of Milwaukee in four days. There's just too much to do.
Girl #2: Well, can we go to Polka Days, at least?
Girl#1, angrily: How many times do I have to say this, we can't do Polka Days and see all of Milwaukee all in one visit. That's crazy.
Girl #2: I'm kinda nervous. Are we going to tell your mom we're dating or just friends?
Girl #1: Yeah, we should totally go to Solly's Grill on the Northside. They have the best burgers in the world. I'm so stoked.

Guy talking to his friends: She start talking about her "boyfriend." I'm all, "Fuck that! I ain't tryin' to hear about your 'boyfriend!' Your boyfriend all that, how come you here with me? How come your 'boyfriend' ain't with you now, bitch? How come he ain't helping you move?"

Black guy #1 listening to cell: Yo, no nigger should leave a weepy message like that. Nigger is soft.
Black guy #2: Stupid nigger.

An Israeli guy is reading a newspaper in Hebrew.
Kid: What language is that? Russian or something?
Israeli guy: No, it's Hebrew. It might look a little like Russian, but you read it from right to left
Kid: Really? That must be hard.

Guy #1: Where's your girl?
Guy #2: She's at a fuckin' buffet. She's eating at a buffet, the fat fuck.

Chick #1: Well, no, you look better now, but you were never that skinny, I mean, I never looked at you like "she needs a sandwich", like...
Chick #2: No, but I haven't gained any weight, really; my clothes still fit.
Chick #1: But you were never grotesque, like what's her name.
Chick #2: Nicole Ritchie.
Chick #1: Yeah.

Guy: Douche...ville? Douche...town?
Girl: Doucheville. Definitely.

Girl #1: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to fuck someone up?
Random guy: I'm single!

Gangsta #1: I'm telling you man, you don't have to slap the bitch, you just got to spit on her couple times a week.
Gangsta #2: Yeah?
Gangsta #1: Yeah, you don't wanna leave no bruises cause her moms will fuck you up, but if you spit on her a couple times, she'll quit willyin'.

Annoucement: Attention transit police. Please respond. There is a passenger harrassing peeople on the southbound platform.
Wait 30 seconds... Announcement repeats three times. Guy on platform takes off his headphones.
Headphone guy: Wait -- What was that about the harrassing?
Other guy on platform: Oh, you don't have to worry -- he's on the southbound platform.
Headphone guy [puts his headphones on again]: Cool.

Guy #1 eating an ice cream cone: Look at these babes.
Guy #2 eating an ice cream cone: Look at these jugs.
Guy #1: Look at these bombs.
Guy #2: Holy shit! Russian Scuds!
Guy #1: Look at these torpedos!
Guy #2: Look at these fun bags!
Guy #1: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! What a babe!
Guy #2: Yeah, but her friend has to do something with that can.

Teen boy #1: So Charlie puked this morning!
Teen boy #2: What?
Teen boy #1: Yeah! He was so fucking drunk that he puked in the fridge this morning.
Teen boy #2: No shit!
Teen boy #1: Seriously. And fucking Dylan, he fucking sprayed it all over the fucking place. It was fucking nasty, man.

Girl #1: Why don't you want to go to Chicago with him?
Girl #2: 'Cause he got man boobs.

Girl #1: I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one morning and be a lesbian.
Girl #2: Jesus, we're in public.

Lady: I was down in Tijuana getting some dental work done, and I fell asleep in the chair. Best sleep I ever had! They should sedate me more often.
Girl (under her breath): I couldn't agree more.

Confused young man: So... this museum is mainly to do with art?
Bored guard: Yes.
Confused young man: Oh.

Little girl around 8 years old: I'm going to kill you.
Little girl #2: You can't. You don't have a knife.
Little girl #1: I didn't mean violently. I meant humorously.

Long Island woman #1: What is this?
Long Island woman #2: Trust me; it's good for you. I mean, look at these people...Have you ever seen them fat?!

Girl #1: Does anyone have Purell?
Friends: No
Girl #1: Purell? Anyone?
Girl #2: There's a bathroom right there!
Girl #1: I want to my hands.

Old, crazy-looking black dude: The problem, James, is that you're letting pride go to your head!
White college kid whose name probably isn't James: Who are you?

White hip girl #1: You know it's funny I like to date and have sex with black and Italian men, but I can't eat dark meat.
White hip girl #2: Wow, really? That is weird.

Tourist guy: Look, honey! Here were are in wonderful Central Park!
Tourist guy's wife: Really? I thought it was supposed to be bigger than this...
Tourist guy: Well, what else could it be?

Girl #1: Yeah, so lately I've been really getting into African click songs.
Girl #2: Please don't demonstrate.

Man: I can't believe how many immigrants there are.
Woman: Send 'em all back, what do I care.
Man: Isn't, like, your mom an immigrant? We all came from immigrants, you know.
Woman: Wah wah, send 'em back.

Journalism professor: Can anyone, for extra credit, give me two words to describe this day that will go down in history?
Silence
Professor: I'll give you a clue -- it has to do with President Bush.
Random student: "Mission accomplished!"
Girl #1 to her friend: Mission Impossible ? What does Tom Cruise have to do with Bush?
Girl #2: Yeah, I know, that movie isn't even out yet!

African-American student: Later Mr. B, stay white and don't let the black man bite!
Mr. B: Ok, Alex, stay black and don't take my wallet.

Young guy #1: So are you doing anything for Cinco de Mayo?
Young guy #2: Uh, I guess I'll just go out like regular.
Young guy #1: Yeah, that's cool.
Young guy #2: Actually, one of my friends knows a ton of Puerto Rican people, so that'll be good.
Young guy #1: Um...yeah...

Tall girl smoking cigarette on the sidewalk: You're not my type.
Short guying selling CDs on the sidewalk: What do you mean?
Tall girl: First of all, you're short. Second of all, you're selling CDs on the sidewalk.

MTA worker leading a blind man: You see where those turnstiles are? You're going to make a left there.
Blind man: OF COURSE I CAN'T SEE WHERE THE TURNSTILES ARE!

Blonde: You know what? I wish I was a bird.
Brunette: So you could fly far, far away?
Blonde: No, so I could sit on electrical fences and not get shocked.

Girl to her friends: What are we doing here?
Random guy: Well, I'm glad the kids are still asking all the right existential questions.

Deli guy: You can't have that dog in here.
Lady: But he's a service dog!
Deli guy: What? We'll get a ticket if you have a dog in here.
Lady: He's a service dog. He's just like a seeing eye dog.
Deli guy: What is he, a chihuahua? A poodle? He's not a seeing eye dog.
Lady: He's a Pomeranian! And he's a service dog! He even has a little vest, do you need me to put him in his little vest?
Deli guy: He look like a rat with a wig on.
Lady: He's a service dog! You can't make me leave! He's just like a seeing eye dog!
Deli guy: But you're not blind!
Lady: I could sue you if you make me leave! I'll put him in his little vest, then you'll see!

Italian #1: So my buddy Max was telling he how how he hooked up with this Puerto Rican chick the other night and it was...
Italian #2: And it was the best sex he ever had, right?
Italian #1: Man, you alway fuck up my stories by cutting in.
Italian #2: Fine, finish the story.
Italian #2: Fuck you, you already wrecked it!

NYU boy #1: Dude, let's go to Delaware. I've never been there -- I didn't even know it was a state until the quarter came out.
NYU boy #2: Oh yeah, you told me that. That was like last week.
NYU boy #1: Yeah, man.

Guy #1: Man, I am so done with her.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah. I woke up one morning and looked at her and I knew I was done. Next contestant on my fuck show please.

Gay guys are on line with a group of straight guys behind them.
Gay guy #1: I think I want a hot dog.
Gay guy #2: I can help you with that.
Gay guy #3: People can hear you.
They walk away
Straight guy to friends: I would make such a good gay guy.

Girl: So did you guys end up having sex last night?
Guy: No, we had Chinese food.

Guy: ...we were just talking. That's all that happened.
Girl: I said, do you swear to God? Do you swear on your life?!
Guy: We were just talking...

Girl #1: I don't feel well.
Girl #2: You look fine.
Girl #1: I think I have malaria.
Girl #2: I really don't think you do.
Girl #1: Do people get malaria in Nicaragua?
Girl #2: I don't know, I don't care, and furthermore, we were in Brazil.

Guy #1: Why are hipster chicks so unattractive?
Guy #2: Because if they were attractive they would be accused of conforming, and then they might even have to get excited about something....god forbid.

Guy: [really loudly] Fuck! Shit! Boobs!
Girl: Stop it! Screaming profanities isn't going to get you on Overheard in New York.
Guy: But today's our last day in the city and it's my last chance!
Girl: So you develop Tourette's?
Guy: Shhh! Stop calling me a tourist!

Girl: How much is the water?
Newstand guy: $1.25. Do you want a bag?
Girl: No thanks.
Newstand guy: What about a straw?
Girl: No.
Newstand guy: How about me?

Big guy: Yo, it's like I was stuck between a rock and butter.
Little girlfriend: I think you mean you were stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Big guy: No, who would want to be stuck next to a huge pile of butter?

College girl to friend: Tonight's goal is to make out with a cokehead.

Guy in a tux: The only gay guy I know who isn't a cokehead, and isn't Marvin, is comming home from Spain next month. And if I find out he's a cokehead, I'm going to kill myself.

Woman on cell, sitting on a bench, smoking: I'll be there as fast as I can, I'm running...

Woman on cell: Yeah, I'm in the Bronx right now... No, I don't know when I'll be back, you know how crazy this borough is.
Woman on cell in line at Au Bon Pain: I am in the elevator on my way up to the office now. Can I call you back?

Drunk guy: Jesus Christ! My Grandma catches better than you! And she can't even speak English! Or is alive!

Guy: Are we in Yonkers?
Drunk Yankees fan: My cousin once gave a rim job to a midget.
Guy on cell: Yeah, she is with me. You will totally dig her, I mean she blazes and takes it from behind. What else do you want?

Teen boy: Just like Jesus knew when he was gonna die, I know when I'm gonna be stabbed.And it's gonna be sometime soon.

Leaflet Guy: Good afternoon ma'am, the world is coming to an end.
Crazy old man on cell: It's time for it...I'm gonna cut off my own toes...no, not yours!
The train lurches to a sudden stop.
Guy: It is time for me to get off this train. Fuckin' Final Destination 3 .

Tim Howar, when asked by a fan for a picture: You're trying to steal my soul!

Woman on cell: It's just so different from the other South American countries, it's just -- it's more European. I mean, Alex had blue eyes, you know? Blue eyes! There just weren't any....what was that word you just said? Say that again?...Yes, there wasn't any of that.

Girl on cell: The African continent is just with Jewish people, and he's never met a single one!
Hipster on cell: You know who is really into that big time...the Portuguese. [pause] Yeah, there are too many Portuguese people in Rhode Island.
Guy to friend: Listen, he's Jamaican he's not all there.

Old guy: The Viagra's working!

Fiftysomething hippie: I love drugs!
Queer at Target entrance: There's some now... FUCKING BREEDERS!
Doors open to let out the crowds.
Woman: Charge!

Little boy: I am the Lord! TIMBER!
Guy on cell: Well, dad...I'm gay

Girl on cell: Alice and I are going to dress up like cheerleaders and throw waterballoons full of beer at the crowd.

Chick: There's a fine line between 'mean' and 'scoring free drinks.
Girl on cell: To answer your question, yes, I had a good time last night. I enjoyed being picked up and spun around. I didn't like the cigarette burns on my arm, but other than that, I had a good time.
Girl to friend: I don't know if I blacked out.. I forget.

Teen girl: I mean, you guys were drinking when I went to bed, you were still drinking when I woke up, when I went to school you were still drinking, and you were still drinking when I was at work!
Man: The evening would have ended fine had he not shat on her floor.
Frat guy: Nah man, Fridays are for sleeping, it's only Monday through Thursdays that are for getting shitfaced. No Fridays.

Guy to other guy: You might be dead and I might be in jail, but I'll still kick yo ass.

Man on cell: You think that's funny? I've got a coalition of the willing, son. And with the help of the Lord we're going to Abu Ghraib all over your face.
Girl: So he screamed "aaah, you kicked me in the balls!" and fell over. And then I woke up.
Girl walks into KFC and sees a balloon. Proceeds to punch the balloon.
Crazy girl: Get the fuck outta my way!
Indian guy on cell: Shut up, you placenta.

Girl: You don't even get naked. All you do is beat the living shit out of them and be mean and they give you the money. Except my friend that does it said that sometimes she has to eat certain things in advance because some of her customers like her to poop on them.
Guy: Tell me who he is, I'll slash his tires and overturn his car.
Asian girl: Why does she have to go and ruin my day? See, that's why I need a gun.
Guy screaming on cell: Fuck you! Fuck you! FUCK YOU, BITCH! You're dead to me! I hate you. I said I hate you . Stop calling me. Stop talking to me. Go pick up your shit and then get out of my life. FUCK YOU! ...Yeah, I'll see you later.

Subway conductor: It ain't so bad. Better than going to the gas station.

Conductor: This train cannot move until you get your fat ass out the doorway!
Conductor: There is no service to Brooklyn this weekend. None. You will not be able to get there unless you do what I tell you.
Conductor: This is... the uh... downtown train that makes all... uh... that makes all the stops that this train stops at.
Conductor: This is an uptown C train. Transfer at this stop for the A train. Notice how I did not mention the E train. That's because there isn't one. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero E train. If you're going to Queens, get on this C train now and I'll explain later.
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen please be advised, we have a train right ahead of us and we will be moving shortly. [Pause] Bullshit! There is a god-damn invisible fucking train ahead of us.
. . .
Oh shit, the PA is still on.

Teen girl: Let's talk about prom and Toni Morrison.

Queer: Not old like Madonna, but pretty old.

Queer on cell: You wouldn't have sex with Elijah Wood?! You're not too big for me but you're too big for Elijah.

Guy to friend: Would you do Jessica Alba....if there was a 25% chance she was your sister?
Chick: I don't like when they name airports after people. They should use normal names... like LaGuardia.

Queer: It was, like, 8:30 in the morning and my colon called and said it needed a filling.

Hobo shuffling through his belongings, to no one in particular: I'm starting to feel like a Democrat.

Little Girl: Mom, they just forgot about me... kind of like what Bush did!
Hobo: I'm going back to Galaxy 7 and when I go back... I'm taking Bush with me. Next stop... the twilight zone.
Man: Yeah, we have all sorts of connections in DC. 1300 Pennsylvania Avenue!
Woman on cell: Some of this shit is mad funny! I saw a sign back there about Bush. That shit was mad funny.

Guy: Damn, I worked so hard this weekend. Mexicans didn't come out of their hiding holes.
Girl: Hiding holes?
Guy: Stupid immigration shit, I'm going to slap every Republican back to Texas where they can pick their own fruit.

Guy #1: I don't even know what a crack pipe looks like!
Guy #2: It looks like a leprechaun flute.

Guy #1: Yeah, she wouldn't shut up so I peed on her.
Guy #2: Just what I would have done, bro.

Mother: You know that she has learning disabilities, right? You know what it means when someone has a learning disability?
Eight-year-old girl: I should get myself a lawyer. No one ever tells me anything.

Guy #1: Yo! She was sooo busted.
Guy #2: Kay, are we talking criminal record or cup size here?

Girl #1: Well, there is this one guy on the show that I'm attracted to.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I think it's only 'cause he has a lazy eye.

Drunk girl: I wish you were straight.
Gay guy holding her up: Honey, I knew I was gay when I was born during General Hospital .

Little boy comes up to mom holding a candy bar.
Mom: God! What's with you and candy? You already had two bars today and now you want two more? Why don't you buy your own candy? Why do I always have to buy your candy? Get a job, for Christ's sake!!

Guy #1: Yo son I got head from a blind chick the other day
Guy #2: Wait, so did she know?

Drunk guy: Exuse me, miss, do you see that woman over there?
Miss: Yes?
Drunk guy: She looks in that dress, don't you think?
Miss: Um. . .
Drunk guy: If she were my wife I would let her wear that out of the house!

Girl #1: I think I should get these high heel shoes 'cause Joe is really tall so I need to like, be able to reach him when I'm giving him head.
Girl #2: But...how would that help? You're gonna be on your knees anyway.
Girl #1: Oh, that's true. Hmm, do you think Steve makes something for that?

Sista #1: I wish he'd take them fuckin' pants off do I could see what he got to work with.
Sista #2: He's a whopper!
Sista #1: His dick could make him money, man.

Guy: Don't let guys buy your drinks.
Group of girls: Why not?
Guy: Because they'll put something in your drink. That shit happened to my ex-wife and next thing I know i'm paying child support every other Tuesday!

Girl #1: This isn't ice tea...
Girl #2: Right. There's no ice in it. The difference between ice tea and tea is that ice tea is cold.
Girl #1: This is cold.
Girl #2: Then it's ice tea.
Girl #1: But that's not the difference.
Girl #2: That's unsweetened ice tea.
Girl #1: Then it's tea.

Hipster #1: But look how easy it is to pick out the tourists. I mean, look, there's a tourist. There's a tourist. It's so frickin' easy to tell who belongs here and who doesn't.
Hipster #2: Yeah, like why don't they even try to blend in while they're here? It's like they're trying to be Greek when they're in Rome.
Hipster #1 is totally lost.
Hipster #2: You know, 'cause when you're in Rome, you're supposed to act Roman.
Hipster #1: Oh, I've never been to Italy.

A little girl is climbing onto an outdoor table, reaching for an ashtray.
Mom: No honey, don't touch that.
Dad: Yeah, that's what killed grandma.

Girl: Do you bite your nails?
Guy: No, my girlfriend does it for me.

Vendor guy: Hey baby, do you want the Post delivered every morning?
Hot girl: No, I don't know how to read.
Vendor guy: That's all right, I'll read it to you. I'll come to your crib and read it to you every morning.

A bunch of black high school kids in ghetto garb pass two preppily dressed white girls and make loud catcalls at them.
White girl #1: Where the fuck did they come from?
White girl #2: Um, someone took a shit in the sky.

Realtor #1: New York is a great place to move to. They say if you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere.
Realtor #2: Anthony, that's not what they say. It goes, "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."

Dartmouth boy: This girl I used to work with wore too much eyeliner -- She was from the Midwest, she has a smile only a horse could love, skips around with lots of boyfriends, threw a birthday party for her dog -- you get the picture. So she's an ugly Midwestern girl who works at Goldman Sachs in the Muni Department, it's not even real banking...

Woman: I can't imagine sleeping with any of my male friends.
Man: You just need to ignore personality.

Girl #1: Sometimes I wanna kill your cat.
Girl #2: But I thought you hated dogs.
Girl #1: I do, but your cat always looks at me like it wants to hump my leg.

Dude #1: So that new girl is pretty hot.
Dude #2: I'd like to kiss her vagina. Closed mouth 'cause i'm respectful like that.

Cashier: $2.99? That's cheap!
Female customer: That ain't cheap for my Trojans!
Cashier: No, I mean that's cheap, like, on sale.
Female customer: Don't be puttin' no bad vibe on my condoms!

A teen girl punches her father repeatedly in the arm.
Older sister: You know he can't feel that, right? He's wearing a leather jacket.
Teen girl: What?
Older sister: Yeah, that's why motorcyclists wear leather, so they don't get their skin scraped off when they go sliding across the pavement.
Teen girl: Oh! So if I punch a cow, it can't feel it?

Little girl: Where does the H train go, mommy?
Mom: There is no H train.
Little girl: I train?
Mom: No I train either.
Little girl: J train? Where does the J train go?
Mom: To Brooklyn. [Pause] Nowhere we'd ever go.

Asian guy: Yo, nigger.
Black guy: Fuck you. You ain't my nigger.

Drunk girl, to owner of pizza place: Hasta mañana
Drunk guy: That's not Italian!
Drunk girl: He's not Italian, he's Greek! He speaks Yiddish and Greek!

Teen girl #1: Whoa, are those apples really all in perfect rows?
Teen girl #2: Whole Foods has really out-yuppied itself this time.

Six young guys are trying to check into the Hotel Chelsea late on Saturday night of Pride Weekend.
Desk clerk: Two beds for four men, not six! Not six men for two beds. [Pause] That's a different hotel!

Conductor, over speaker: Excuse me, young lady in the pink shirt. Stop holding the door!
Someone else wearing a pink shirt: But I'm

Girl #1: Your guys-- Wait how do you pluralize that?
Girl #2: You guyses.

Little white boy: Will someone tell him that the Indians were playing the Yankees the other day!!?
Little Indian boy: Will someone tell him that Indians don't play baseball? I should know, I'm Indian!

Thirty-something mom: Just to be clear, it isn't a vibrator. It's just a dildo.
Guy on cell: So you're expecting the crackhead's knife to be sterilized?

Guy, to girl: Smart girls are never pretty. That's why you're a dumbass.
Hobo: Ain't no good here, only cheap. Cheap, cheap, and very cheap. And very beautiful.

Fat, middle-aged female crossing guard: Every time I do that I shit the bed.
Guy: I've pissed the bed before. Hell, [gesturing towards girl] I've pissed on !

Guy: If I'm going to swallow sperm it has to be for love. That's just how I feel, man.
Club-hopper: I don't like that bar. But it's a good scene if you want a 700-pound gay Republican sitting on your face.

Asian girl to her white friend: Oh my God, we have to leave before someone else thinks I work here.
Man, leading a small group of tourists: We are entering Little Korea. This is where you can find... little Koreans.

Girl on cell: I mean is UPS trying to alienate all of New York City? Seriously!
Guy: Is it wrong to break up with someone with a text message? No, right?

Hipster: Aren't you some kind of traitor? You're going to film grad school, and you saw Click on opening night?
Usher: All ticket holders, please enter the theater. We will not start 'til everyone is seated in your box-office, uh, thing you sit in.

Bartender: I have absolutely no desire to go to work and make ginger cosmos for a bunch of proud gays.
Foreign guy: He's not gay. He's almost gay. He spends most of his time with a lot of gay actors. But he's not really gay.

Young guy: I was in a spaceship speaking Arabic.
White guy on cell: You're Japanese. You should like Swiss.

Guy on cell: And you got the vampires from where?
Rich young woman: She's a big-time lawyer. You wouldn't know her name or anything, but she's got an office in Rochester, and one in the Twin Towers.

Guy: Oh my God, look. There is a Duane Reade on the corner of Duane and Reade.
Tourist: Can you tell me where the Empire State Building Is?

Chubby guy: Hey! Show me your boobs! No, not the girl. I'm gay, I want to see your man boobs! Come on, show me your boobs!
Queer: I remember back when I was having orgies with, like, 15 or 20 people. And I was having a lot of fun!

Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.

Limo driver: Here you go, sir.
Donald Trump: Is this the Mercrdes one I wanted?
Limo driver: No, sir, it is a Buick.
Donald Trump: Well, I'll ride in it this time, but next time it better be a Mercedes. I have class.

Guy, pushing on the door between cars: Can you not go between cars when it's moving?
Old lady: It's not the subway. You have to pull.
Guy pulls hard on the handle.
Old lady: and pull.
Guy, passing through the door, shouts back loudly over his shoulder: So I push the next one?

Male intellectual: I was put in a mental hospital when I was fifteen. I still don't know why. I asked a doctor at one point, "Why am I here?" and he said, "Don't worry about it. You're very mentally ill, and it will take you a long time to recover." I said, "But what am I recovering ?" and he just said, "Don't worry about it." I still don't know why I was there. The only reason I can think of is, I have a terrible temper.
Female intellectual: Yes, but sweetie, your temper? It's abnormal. It's not like a human temper. It's insane.
Male intellectual: Well, maybe, but it's not like I blew up the World Trade Center.

Girl: Do you want to go get some coffee?
Queer: No way! I don't want to feel like a fat whore.

JAP: Is Miguel Ferrer Hispanic? I mean, I know he's from Puerto Rico, but it says here he doesn't speak Spanish. Does that still make him Hispanic?

Girlfriend: I just don't know what else I'd do for a career. I don't know how to do anything else.
Boyfriend: That's silly. You'd be a great secretary!
Boyfriend: What? I mean like a high powered executive secretary.

Hobo lady: Can any of y'all help me? I need some food!
Rider lady: Would you like this?
Hobo lady: What the hell is that?
Rider lady: It's a kiwi.
Hobo lady: Bitch! I said I need some !

Toddler: Daddy, do you have your period?
Daddy: No. Only mommies get periods.
Mom whispers: Daddy has diarrhea.
Toddler to waitress: Mommy has her period and Daddy has diarrhea!!

Unitarian teen: Yeah, we're here for a poverty conference.
Flamboyant MAC salesman: Wow! You guys are so cool! Are there any boys there?
Unitarian teen: Well, really just Keegan.
Flamboyant MAC salesman: Oh my god! Are you a boy? Oh my god, I'm so tripped out! I thought you were some hippy dippy chick or something!

Guy: Yo, so did you do the AIDS walk thing?
Girl: No. I don't have AIDS.
Hobo: Not yet she doesn't.

Girl #1: So is he gay yet?
Girl #2: No, but he's dating a Jewish girl.

 Metro New York lady: Is your girlfriend coming today?
 AM New York man: I ain't got none of those.

Tourist #1: Ha! Look at her, she's trying to look just like Bernadette Peters.
Tourist #2: That Bernadette Peters and she you. Can we go now?

Guy: Yeah, these Speedos won't work for me. My dick's too big for them. They never fit right.
Shopgirl: I've never seen a customer with that problem. Let's see what else fits your.. you.

Girl #1: Oh, look at the beautiful flowers.
Girl #2: They look like a man's asshole!

Commuter dude #1: The cars on this line feel smaller.
Commuter dude #2: Yeah, it's like they're narrower by just a bit or something.
Commuter dude #1: Oh wait; I think people are just fatter.

Loud tourist on silent train: Oh my god. My hands are so dirty from being in Chinatown. This city is the dirtiest place on the planet. If you stuck my hands in a big-ass petri dish, you better believe there would be some monstrous germs on there the next day. Ew, Chinatown smells bad. Like rotten fish. Why is it so hot here? God, no one in Chinatown has air conditioning. My pits are so smelly. Ugh, I stink. But not worse than Chinatown.

Girl #1: I can't wait until we move to Brooklyn Heights. It's the part of Brooklyn that says, "I'm an adult, not a hipster."
Girl #2: You mean, it's the part that says, "I can afford to live in Manhattan, I just don't want to."

Chick #1: Is that George W. Bush?
Chick #2: Really? Where?
Chick #1: Oh no, wait. It's Mayor Bloomberg.
Chick #2: I was gonna say, that would be a step up for him!

Gallery owner: So I don't think the wine looks enough like blood. Maybe we should use real blood.
Assistant #1: Um, yeah, maybe we could use pig's blood from the butcher?
Owner: No, I think we could buy it from the blood bank.
Assistant #2: That's disgusting.

Asian girl: Where do you want to go to college?
Greek girl: Huh, You have pink eye? My brother had that. It's mad contagious.

Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don't really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she's always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin' all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don't control what she does.

Girl: Man, I feel like shit.
Guy: Why?
Girl: What if he was seriously hurt?
Guy: Huh?
Girl: I've been thinking about breaking up with him, and what if he had died?
Guy: It'd save you the trouble?

Guy #1: Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw!
Guy #2: Dis game aint no thang. Think about it man. How many brothers you see out here?
Guy #1: How about the cuz sittin' at first base?
Guy #2: Yo, he Spanish.

Man: Excuse me, waitress!
Barista: I'm not a waitress.
Man: Kidding... What's your name?
Barista: Alyenne.
Man: Do you spell that like "Alien"?
Barista glares.
Man: Kidding...

Little English girl: Where are we now, Mummy?
English Mummy: We're in New York, in America.
Little English girl: [sigh] We're still in America?

Black guy #1: No son, you're cousins by marriage. It's not blood, so it's like you not even related. That shit doesnt count, son.
Black guy #2: Oh, for reals? So I can fuck with her and shit?

Girl #1: How much dead dick do we have to look at today?
Girl #2: This has to be fake. There's no way any man this small was packing that much heat down there.

College girl: Oh. Did you use to ride horses as a kid?
Jappy guy: No. I'm just rich

Little kid: But why can't I play on the slide?
Dad: Because they want to have a fleamarket instead.
Kid: But ?
Dad: Because some people don't like kids.

Dad: Ok, ok, it's two outs, we'll go after this batter.
Boy: Dad, I want water!
Dad: You know what I see? An impatient little boy who can't wait five minutes.
Boy: You know what I see? Someone who's gonna have their face broken because they didn't have any water!

Sista #1: Looka there! A naked squirrel! Look like he got burnt or somebody shaved him down the middle.
Sista #2: People be eatin' squirrels now.
Sista #1: Look like he have a mohawk.
Sista #2: It's a little squirrel torture place somewhere. Somebody done that to him.
Sista #1: It'd have to be someone who was raised in the woods. Know how to handle a squirrel.

Woman: How much will a tenner-worth be?
Dealer: Ehh, I think it's fifteen bucks.

Father: And that's where Mommy is.
Little boy: That's where the penis is!

Girl #1: Yo, it'd be so cute if we both lost our virginity this weekend.
Girl #2: But you're not a virgin
Girl #1: Oh, right. Dammit.
Bum: If you ain't a virgin, you must be a ho! Don't come back to this church. This is God's place.

Girl, looking at a David Smith sculpture: This is very Picasso.
Guy: Yeah. Like...blues. Remember that period he had?

Guy: And there's one more thing you could say. It's "I love you."
Girl, looking through her purse: Ha ha, I know, one sec.

Salad wench: So, you got any kids?
Queer: Honey, what I do don't make babies.

Intern #1: Yeah, so they finally let me go watch bankruptcy court yesterday.
Intern #2: What was it like?
Intern #1: Everyone was black except me. It kind of felt like when I ride the subway at night.

Fat hipster: Yeah, then I would get fat and evil.
Skinny punkster: True, but that's how you get laid.

Girl: I have another interview at 3:00 today.
Guy: Didn't you already hire someone?
Girl: Yeah, but this is that Harvard grad. I want to know which office supply she would be.

Girl on cell: So, guess where I am. No, I'm coming out to visit you! Well, okay, can I stay with you for a few days? I got kicked out of my apartment. I'll find a new one soon. Why what? Oh, why did I get kicked out? Well, I crashed my landlord's Ferrari...Well, I was drinking. You know me!

A kid is trying to get bubblegum off his face.
Kid #1: Yo, you know you can use an ice cube to get that off.
Kid #2: Where the fuck am I supposed to get an ice cube now? Besides, how's that gonna help?
Kid #1: Dumbass. When the gum is cold it's not sticky anymore. Haven't you ever chewed gum in the shower?

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I've been having the shittiest day today. No, it has nothing to do with our conversation this morning. Listen, believe it or not, I can have a shitty day that has nothing to do with you...Ugh, I have no idea why I called you. [hangs up] My fucking dad. I can't even get a sympathy "it's all rainbows and bunnies" phone-hug from him!

Guy: I'm looking for something Onassis-like.
Salesgirl: Jackie or Ari?

Girl #1: I have to go to a wine-tasting tonight for some charity.
Girl #2: What's the charity?
Girl #1: I don't know, some kind of dystrophy.

Old lady #1: So you're gonna pour gasoline on him, and I'm gonna light the match.
Old lady #2: Mm hmm.

Woman holding baby: Excuse me, what did you say?
Woman with clipboard: I asked you if you would like to join the Democratic Party.
Woman holding baby: No, I'm not poor!

Guido: Ya know, you're very cute.
Asian chick: Um, thanks?
Guido: Wanna sit with me on the train?
Asian chick: No, I'm good.
Guido: Can I getcha numba?
Asian chick: Uh, no, sorry. I just converted. I, um, only go out with Asians now.

Straight guy #1: I love Queen.
Straight guy #2: Yeah, Queen is awesome.
Straight guy #3: I would totally go gay for Freddy Mercury. I'm just throwing that out there.

Mom: So I talked to the lawyers this morning, honey, and when school is done, we're going to move into the Hampton house.
5-year-old son: Is Daddy coming?
Mom: No sweetie, he is going to stay in the city.

An ice cream truck is going up the street.
Little girl in wagon: Daddy, that truck song is annoying.
Hipster dad: Yes, the commodification of your desires is annoying, isn't it?

Incredibly Jappy woman #1: I'm looking forward to using these bath melts I made.
Incredibly Jappy woman #2: Bath melts?
Incredibly Jappy woman #1: Yeah, I call them bath melts because "bath bombs" really doesn't seem PC.

Girl #1: But, like, why do all the gay guys have to be so hot?
Girl #2: I know. At least all the lesbians are ugly!

Guy #1: Yo, did you just check out the vagina on that mannequin?
Guy #2: Yeah, is that weird?
Guy #1: Nah, I did too.

Man: You know, there was this electric wheelchair woman, she saw the bus coming and like, zipped right in front of us so we couldn't get on.
Bus driver: Yeah man, they're fast, those electric ones.
Man: Yeah.
Bus driver: And vicious.

Girl: So yeah, my body is basically covered with bruises.
Guy: You mean because of the drinking, the performing, and the violent sex?
Girl: Yeah.

Black guy #1: I've been banging her for four weeks now.
Black guy #2: Word!
Black guy #1: Yo, I just found out Ty was banging her, too.
Black guy #2: Man! You can take the ho out of the Bronx but you can't take Bronx out of the ho.

Guy #1: What if it's a crime or something?
Guy #2: So what? It's not like you're a rapist or anything. It's not like you had sex with a little girl, right?

Kid behind a guy in a Fubu jersey: Dad, who's Fubu?
Dad: That's the guy's name, son

Barfly: It was a term of endearment.
 Bouncer: A term of endearment is not punching someone in the face.

White guy: FAO Schwarz used to be a fun place to hang out.
Black guy: Yeah.
White guy: They've changed it, though. It doesn't smell the same.

Guy: My eye won't stop twitching.
Girl: Maybe you should have thought of that before you wiped sarin on the counter. Oh, oops, I just realized that the subway is a bad place to talk about work.

Boy: Mommy, is make-up just for girls?
Mom: Make-up is for girls and really fabulous boys.

Guy: You're married, right?
Woman: Yes.
Guy: I'm too black and ugly for you anyways, right?

Hot queer in suit: I swear if one more thing goes wrong, I'm just going to pull my skirt over my head and !
Guy: It's almost enough to make me try women.

Girl on cell: The alcoholic who waved a shotgun at you on Valentine's Day? That's who's taking you to the Al-Anon meeting?
Girl on cell: The two guys you slept with -- their friend told me to tell you that he has herpes.

Fortysomething dude: Don't tell me I don't know about metabolism! I have known about metabolism my entire life. Metabolize yourself!
Girl on cell: I don't want to talk about your eating disorder every fucking time we talk!

Doctor: Well, I can't guarantee that after the circumcision it will look exactly like what you described.
Guy: I need to see a doctor. I'm not dying, but I have a leaking, stinking navel.

Woman: It's interactive. It's just active. It's not inter.
Guy: Wow! It's so old!

Guy on cell: Get the hell out of here! I just can't believe that someone would go to a baptism just to start a fight.
Woman walking alone in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.

Guy: Give me a break, she's into scat! She'll eat shit, but she won't lick some ketchup off my hand?
Hipster chick: I didn't get spat on. I wanted to real bad. But it didn't happen.

Ethan Hawke: Man, fat.
Guy on cell: But you're not fat in America!

Teen girl: Ooh, take a picture. Someone got stabbed here last night!
Asian tranny on cell: But we never smelt nothing cause we didn't even know the body was there!

Woman: She thinks she's so special cause she's pregnant. Try being 35 and not pregnant! That's harder to do!
Very pregnant woman, standing on the subway, stares at a young black guy who took the last seat.
Young black guy: What do you want lady? I didn't get you that way!

Girl on cell: Yeah, baby, I'm all alone in my apartment on my bed. I'm taking my panties off now. Mmm, I'm touching myself, thinking of you. I'm all wet for you, baby.
Suit on cell: Yes, I'm wearing suspenders.

Hobo: That's it. I'm revokin' ya hood pass! Don't go past a hundred and tenth!
White girl on cell: I can't take the subway now, it's 10 o'clock. I'm not black.

Man #1: Man, all these stabbings and killings, man.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: But you know, that's every summer.

Girl #1: Ugh, I hate the teabag.
Girl #2: Oh, I love it! You've got to embrace the teabag!

Girl: We're together.
Guy: We are?
Girl: For now.

Mother: Honey, is this 42nd Street?
Father: Peggy, have you not lived in this goddamn city for 32 years?
Mother: Yes, but... I'm just curious. Is it? Just tell me.
Father to daughter: Tell your mother I'm not answering that question.

Girl: Okay, so how many of the people here do you think have noticed that we're high?
Guy: Mmmm, five of them.
Girl: There are only five people in the store.
Guy: Then... All of them.

Little girl playing a Nintendo DS: Yes! Yes!
Mother: What happened?
Little girl: Never mind, Mom. You just wouldn't understand.

Girl #1: Oh my gawd, that guy just dropped his iPod under the train!
Girl #2: He's not even crying!
Girl #1: He must be in shock. I would be!

Drunk to the fat guy from Lost: Oh shit, nigga. I guess your ass got off the island, huh?
Old Jewish lady: I knew it!

Old veteran: Have a Happy Father's Day!
Dad: Happy Father's Day to you, too.
Old veteran: Me? Oh no, not me. Well, maybe in Saigon.

Large black man on cell: So, I figured out what happened. Ebony was at the drug house with the first lesbian, but then that other lesbian that she stole two dollars from came. So that's where you came in. And....hey? Are you there? Mom? Mom?

Guy: Well, what do you really want out of life?
Girl: Umm.
Guy: Besides hardcore sadomasochistic sex.
Girl: People are totally listening to this conversation.
Guy: No, they're really not.

Girl #1: I can't believe that CVS didn't have paint! How about Bagel Art? That place should have paint.
Girl #2: That says Bagel Mart.
Girl #1: No, it doesn't!
Girl #2: Move a little to your left.
Girl #1: Bagel...Mart. Oh. So then what does it have?

Girl #1: How much does he want?
Girl #2: Ten dollars.
Girl #1 to gypsy cab: Fuck you! I'd rather drag my friend home on her face than pay you ten dollars!

Old black lady: Oh lord, Satan's children are walking the streets
Goth kid: Shut the fuck up, Rosa Parks. Go sit in the back of the fucking bus!

Tourist: Will you take $20 for that bag?
Street vendor: Twenty? You've got nerve. I'll pray for you.
Tourist: Pray that someone is stupid enough to pay more than twenty bucks for that plastic piece of shit.

Teen: This car is stolen.
Man: What the fuck you talking about?
Teen: I got a StolenCarReport on my phone about this car being stolen.
Man: Muthafucka, you about to get your phone stolen.

Black lesbian: I've been in this neighborhood for so long.
Black gay guy: Mhh-hmmmh.
Black lesbian: Oh man! See that brownstone? ago I was invited to a wedding reception there. It was awesome. Beautiful. I was sitting right up front and laughing and crying with the rest of the family, like, I love you ladies! Damn, to this day, I still don't know how the hell I got there, or who those bitches were.

Man: The yogurt won't fall. I'm straight.
Woman: You are straight!
Man: I am straight... now.
Woman: Thank god that's over.
Man: Let's get out of here before the whole thing collapses.

Guido kid: I wish that dad was here.
Guido kid's mom: I do too, because the fat fuck owes me a thousand dollars

Production assistant: Lindsay, we need you right away.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh my God! Don't talk to me like I'm some kind of normal person!

Chinese guy: I hear people in third world countries are so hungry they eat people.
White girl: I know. I wonder, like, whether they have a conscience about it.
Chinese guy: Well, I imagine they don't eat their own children, you know? Probably just someone else's. It would be easier to do that, I think.
White girl: Yeah, I totally agree.

Black dude #1: Hey, snowflakes!
Black dude #2: Wanna drink some nigga juice tonight?
White chick #1 to friend: Are you sure you feel safe walking back by yourself?
White chick #2: Yeah, I usually don't get harassed this much. I think it's just because there are two of us.
White chick #1: So it's exponential?
White chick #2: Exactly. Right now, we're whiteness, squared.

Teen ghetto girl #1: But you're 15! That's 5 years. You'd be like a pedophile.
Teen ghetto girl #2: It's not like I'm looking for a relationship. I just wanna bone.
Teen ghetto girl #1: I need to bring you to church. You need every kind of religion there is.

Little kid: Mommy...Mommmmmyyyyyy! I have got to poop!
Mom: Would you please just crap in your pants and quit screaming about it already!

Guy: Let me ask you something: A lady sits down next to you on the train and you keep inching towards me. Why? When a lady sits down, you inch towards her, not me! Why are you inchin' towards me? What's wrong with New Yorkers, all scared of women?

Chick #1 It's not like I told him I wasn't wearing underwear. He asked me. I was so offended!
Chick #2: But you don't wear underwear, and you were wearing a see-through top.
Chick #1: OK, that's totally not the point.

Girl #1: I don't know if my sister is a lesbian or not.
Girl #2: I thought she was.
Girl #1: Yeah, but the other day some guy was like, oh yeah, your sister dated Nick for a long time, and now all I know is that she's dating someone who makes omelettes. Omelettes are manly, right?

Girl: Why do you watch so much King of the Hill , anyway?
Hipster guy: I don't know. I guess I just like Texas history.

Conductor: To all the men on the train, Happy Father's Day. And to all the ladies on the train who wear two hats, Happy Father's Day to you, too.

Girl: Taco Bell is fifty cents, but I don't want to go to Taco Bell for a date.
Guy: Have you noticed that if you say "Taco Bell" enough, it starts to sound funny?
Girl: Taco Bell.
Guy: Taco Bell. It sounds like a battle of the Civil War.
Girl: The Battle of Taco Bell.

Tourist #1: Wait, where are we?
Skater kid: Fuckin' Earth man, fucking Earth.
Tourist #2: Wait, where?

Teen girl #1: What are we doing here?
Teen girl #2: Looking at handsome gay guys.
Teen girl #1: Why?
Teen girl #2: Because they're more fun than straight guys, and they like it when you look at them.

Girl: So did you ask your mom if you can go to the party or not?
Guy: Oh yeah! She said yes. But she made me promise to not come home this time with no pants on.
Girl: Seems fair.

Black guy: ...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
White guy: Are you trying to mug me or what?

Woman #1: Ma'am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can't you see I'm busy, bitch? And I'm not movin this fuckin' thing. It's heavy and I don't want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.
She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace .

Skateboarder on cell: I was just at the spot and there was no car. Fuck, I know what a car looks like and it wasn't there. Are you sure it was a white Lexus? Fuck you, it wasn't there. I got eyes, you know. Well then fuck off and go buy your own damn drugs!

Guy #1: Is it disgusting that I think pregnant women are sexy?
Guy #2: Not necessarily.
Guy #1: Like that woman there. That round belly makes me want to come all over her face.
Guy #2: Okay, that is disgusting.

Guy #1: So when I started telling him my feelings on the Iraq war, he rolled over to me in his wheelchair and started cursing me out. He was going on about his time in Vietnam and how there are things about war I'll never understand.
Guy #2: That sucks.
Guy #1: I was like, "Whoa. You're my shrink! I'm paying to listen to !"
Guy #2: Seriously.
Guy #1: Well, at least the co-pay was only $15. But anyway, I'm definitely not going back to him.

Woman: Is there a specific exhibit you'd like to see?
Man: Yeah, I want to see the dinosaurs!

White guy: There are many Africans where I live. I like them, because they're more spiritual.
Chinese girl: They're closer to nature.

Skinny JAP: Omgosh! Let's go watch the World Cup! Like, we'll see witchcraft...magic...stuff.
Fat JAP: Oh yeah, totally. That stuff from Harry Potter.

Girl: But also Chuck Norris.
Guy: Well, that's a given.
Girl: I know, I just like saying his name.
Guy: Gives you a little rush?
Girl: You don't know the half of it.

White guy: Is it true that Mexicans carry knives?
Mexican girl: Shut up before I bust into a stereotype on your ass.

Kid on stool: Mom, can I jump off and be Naaaaaaacho?
Mom: You already broke your arm. You can't be Nacho right now.

Girl on cell: You have to just ask him. But you have to ask him to his face so you can see his reaction. Just look him in the eye and say, "Dad, are you on Match.com?" and see if he looks surprised. You just have to confront stuff like that.

Drunk guy: It doesn't mean anything! It's just green paper! It doesn't mean anything!
Woman #1: Then why don't you throw it out?
Drunk guy: Fine! [Throws bill onto subway tracks] If it means so much to you, why don't you go get it?
Woman #1: Yo, that was five-dollar bill!
Woman #2: For reals?
Train comes and passes.
Drunk guy: Hey, it's gone. ..Where's my money?

Man: Hey! It's so great to run into you! I haven't heard from you in so long!
Woman: Yeah, that's because you didn't call me after we slept together.

Girl #1: ...maybe a tattoo. We should get tattoos.
Girl #2: I find those people, them, to be low class.
Girl #1: But we are low class.
Girl #2: Touche.

Black woman: You look like Vanna White.
White girl: Really?
Black woman: Don't she look like Vanna White?
Queer: Yes, but better.
Black woman: What do you mean better! Vanna is rich and shit. And on TV. And this bitch over here has nothing. She's on the subway, for Christ's sake!

Woman #1: What's he wear now?
Woman #2: He's completely switched. Now he likes to wear button-down shirts with cufflinks.
Woman #1: That probably looks much better. His face is way too brown to be goth.

Tourist: Is this the way to the subway?
Guard: No. You need to go west of 49th.
Tourist: Can I go down there anyway?
Guard: No. There's a special event.
Tourist: Please? We're from California.
Guard: No. Welcome to New York.

Girl #1: So it's my beer pong table, right? If we ever break up, I get the table?
Guy: Well, half of it.
Girl #1: Noo! If you're going to cut it in half, you can have it. I don't want to see the table ruined. I care about beer pong that much.
Girl #2: Wow, it's like the Judgment of Solomon.

Guy: You guys know what herpes are?
Teen boys: Uh...
Guy: Herpes are what you get from whorehouses. They look like...you know pretzel sticks with salt?

Wall Street guy #1: I haven't seen that guy with the toupee on the train since I said something.
Wall Street guy #2: Do you think he heard you?
Wall Street guy #1: Maybe. Maybe he committed suicide.

Cashier: That's $1.50.
Drunk: You're killing me, man! Hey, do you know if the liquor store's still open?
Suit: You don't?

Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Man, what are you excusing me about? Fuck you!
Old Chinese lady: Fuck me? Ok, take-a off the pant.
Stairway in silence.
Old Chinese lady: Ex-see-cus-see me!
Gangsta: Sure thing, ma'am. I'm sorry.
Chinese kid: And that's why we respect our elders.

Girl #1: You never wear earrings.
Girl #2: You're very observant.
Girl #1: But that's why we have ears, to get them pierced.
Girl #2: No, we have ears so we can hear.
Girl #1: Wait, you make no sense.

A hobo is holding a sign that reads, "Why lie? I need a beer."
Hobo: Hey there, mister.
Cleveland guy: Is he serious?
Cleveland girl: I don't know. What do we do?
Hobo: Smile, folks! It's a joke! I need a whole six-pack!

Hootchie: A-Rod's so hot. Do you see the lips on him? Jeter's so hot. Tino was the hottest of them all. Even that Knoblauch was cute, remember him? Hell, I'd sleep with any of the Yankees. But you know, I'd draw the line at Yogi Berra.

Thug: God, is there anything wrong with you? Do you have horns?
Chick: No.
Thug: A third arm?
Chick: Nope.
Thug: Have you ever been in jail?
Chick: Nope.
Thug: Well, you know, I've been in jail...
Chick: Um...

Thug: You as an individual have to decide what is right for you as an individual...You have to decide as an individual whether or not you want to turn yourself in.

Russian driver: I don't know, she stop right in front of me.
Cop: She just slammed on the brakes? Why did she do that?
Russian driver: I don't know, light was yellow. You know, green is go, red is stop, yellow is go faster.
Cop: Sure, absolutely.

Girl: Gross man, you eating White Castle. Nasty.
Guy: Yeah girl, these is good. I love them.
Girl: Guess you won't be loving them when the next time you take a shit, your liver comes out too.
Guy: Man, why you hatin' on White Castle?
Girl: You'll see.

Intern suit: So how do I get that pre-freshman to give me a handjob?
Girl: Do you realize that you're graduating from college soon, and you're asking me this?

Black woman: You cut in front of him because he's black!
White woman: I did not, I just didn't see him!
Black woman: You didn't see him because he's too black?

Suit on cell: So I got some of that topical headache medicine. You know, the cream that comes in a giant chapstick tube so you just rub it on your head without getting it on your hands. Well, I don't know if it worked. I got so much of it in my eyes that I had to spend the rest of the night in the emergency room.

Little girl on bathroom line: Mommy, let's go in that one.
She points to the men's room: No honey, that one is for boys. You can't go in there until you're 25 and at a bar and you really have to go.--Panorama, 85th and 2nd

Woman: Damn, that Mexican is hungry.
Mexican with 10 bags: I'm the delivery boy, you dumb fuck.

White guy #1: And to make matters worse, she stole my bag of weed!
White guy #2: She told you she had herpes, and you're worried about your weed?

Girl: I can't believe they're making a live action movie.
Guy: Whatever, I will definitely go see it.
Girl: Are you even old enough to remember ?
Guy: Of course, I'm only three years younger than you.
Girl: Yeah, but that doesn't mean you were old enough to be conscious of . My brothers are your age and they don't remember the show that well.
Guy: You do realize every time you ask me that it doesn't make me seem young, right? It just makes you seem old.

Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We're from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it's because in New York we know that you can't bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can't?
Woman: No, you can't. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y'all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.

Mom: You see? You almost hit that nice lady. Then she would have sued you and took all your PlayStation games
Mom: No, Cyrus! Don't touch that! You have ringworm!

Woman: Hey, that looks like metallic vagina sculpture.
Loud girl: I would like to see something a little bit more modern. This isn't modern enough for me.

Fruit stand guy: Too much papaya! Too much marijuana! Too much cocaine!
Asian girl: You're not following the diet plan! It's either junk food or food!

Bus driver: Move to the back of the bus. They're giving free diamonds in the back of the bus. See that lady in the back for your free diamond.
Guy: I hate this city. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a production.

Tux: You know my ex-boyfriend, right? Come on, you remember him. His sister was in jail with Amy Fisher?
Tux: Stop singing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat . That's all I'll ever ask of you.

Suit on headset: You know, I have been so gassy lately.
Suit on cell: Hey, I found this guy I thought I'd fix you up with, but I talked to Elliot and he said he wouldn't cross the street to piss on him, he's an ethical scumbag... Yeah, I that's what everybody says about Elliott.

Ghettomama: My son's favorite color used to be red, because his father is a Blood, but I've gotten him out of that. Now it's blue, and his father is going nuts.
8-year-old boy: But why does your mom want to get so many tattoos?

Chick on cell: I just fell asleep! It's not like I'm seeing other people.
Chick: You told me you was a celebrity! I sucked yo dick!
Chick: I'm no whore. I told him, the closest you're getting to getting me from behind, you know, doggie style, is licking your own balls and humping my leg.

White dude: I'm blacker than the fucking poops you shit, son!
Latina: Shit, where'd all these white people come from?

French guy: You know, I like to make happy with the pretty girls, but not the pretty girls.
Guy: If she had broken up with me before the end of the school year, I would have had a shot at nailing all of her friends.

Little girl: Keep your legs closed and your books open. My mommy says a girl can get a boyfriend and then she has to drop out of school.
Woman: I ain't gonna take that shit, a'ight! I'm gonna fuck that nigga 'til a nigga come outta me, a'ight!

Girlfriend: Out in LA they're into that whole fake boobs/Ann Taylor thing.
Boyfriend: I Ann Taylor.
Girlfriend: Of course you do. That fits into your preppy short girl fetish, which I'm not.

Hobo: Do you have a dollar?
Suit: Yes.
Hobo: May I have it?
Suit: Shouldn't you do a trick first?
Hobo: Fucker, I don't even own pants! You want me to dance for that shit?

Guy #1 on cell: Hey it's me. Listen, I'm about to walk into the subway, I'm gonna lose you, I just wanted to tell you that my parents are gonna be there tonight, and I know you didn't want them to see your tattoos the first time they met you, so I wanted to tell you so you could...oh. Hi, Mrs. Goldstein.
Guy #1 to guy #2: FUCK! I cannot believe I just did that! Her mother had no idea she has tattoos.
Guy #2: I don't see the big deal, so she has tattoos, everyone has...wait, did you say her last name was Goldstein? I get it now.

Girl #1: Ben's hot, but I think he's gay.
Girl #2: No way. Why?
Girl #1: He asked me if my carpet matches my drapes.
Girl #2: I don't think he's gay.
Girl #1: Oh yeah?
Girl #2: Call him up and tell him he can chew on your carpet!
Girl #1: What?

Woman on cell: Yeah, the kitty pushes the others around. He's a real tyrant... Uh-huh. Guess what she named him: Osama.

Old black man: Damn son, you ain't gonna live to be my age if you keep goin' around callin' people assholes.
Young punk: Shut the fuck up, old man, I don't have to listen to you! I'm emancipated!

Quasi-thug #1: So if I got the first season, you would watch it with me?
Quasi-thug #2: Fuck yeah. It's the fucking Golden Girls , yo.

Girl: I did, I saw Uma Thurman in Les Mis .
Guy: She wasn't in Les Mis .
Girl: Not on stage, on TV.
Guy: She wasn't in Les Mis on TV.
Girl: I thought it was her, or someone else with that cross-eyed look.

Queer #1: When is the Puerto Rican Day parade?
Queer #2: Omigod, today!
Queer #1: Hmm. Don't people get gang-raped at those things?
Queer #2: Maybe, I guess? Let's go!

Chick: Be a gentleman!
Drunk guy: Fuck you bitch, I am a gentleman!

Guy #1: My ass is killing me.
Guy #2: Really? Mine feels alright.
Guy #1: Well, you weren't doing what I was doing all day. It feels like someone ripped my ass off and stapled it back on.

Girl #1: I don't like German Shepherds, they scare me.
Boy #1: Why?
Girl #2: Because they bark loud?
Girl #1: Yeah, that is scary, but the real reason is the Nazis used them in the Holocaust, so I don't like them.

Kid: Excuse me, can you get Floyd to sign something for me?
Security guard: No. Floyd hates kids.

Big girl: Oh my goddd! Your doggy is soo adorable -- I just want to eat him!
Dog owner: Umm -- Thanks, I guess. [To her friend] Is that the most endearing thing she could come up with?

Guy #1: I think she's Mexican.
Guy #2: Nah, she can't be Mexican, I've been there, they cute but short.
Guy #1: Yeah, now that you mention it, she is a little too tall to be Mexican, but I don't care, I'll still hit it.
Guy #2: I'll hit it and help her get her papers if she doesn't have them. I'm all for amnesty in the name of getting laid.

Drunk girl #1: I wanna sleep here! Just because I wanna sleep outside of Doc Holliday's doesn't make me a bad person.
Drunk guy: I wanna sleep here! Don't ever make me get up!
Drunk girl #2: You can not sleep outside of a saloon in Alphabet City. That makes you trash. Sleeping on the streets makes you trash. Would you please get up?
Drunk guy: Fine, but you better find me some drugs.

Bald, dorky white guy on date: What kind of Italian restaurant doesn't have Chicken Parmesan on the menu?
Homely-looking white girl on date: I know.

Tourist chick #1, whispering: Oh, gross. You ask.
Tourist chick #2, whispering: No, you ask.
Tourist chick #1: Excuse me, what kind of pizza is that?

Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I'm gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other's eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, "Rock on, I'm in a death cage!" And Maureen Dowd would be like, "Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?"

Desi kid #1: Shit I didn't know Brooklyn was this advanced.
Desi kid #2: Isn't that the Water Street dorm?
Desi kid #1: Oh yeah...
Desi kid #2: We didn't quite make it off Manhattan, it seems.

Girl: I don't want vegetarian pate, it's too bougie.
Boyfriend: You live in Park Slope.
Stranger: True that!

Chinese guy: Why not?
Chinese girl: Cause I don't like the taste.
Chinese guy: But it's the only way I can get off.
Chinese girl: Fine but eat something that makes it liquidy, otherwise it's too hard.

Hipster looking at parade thug boy wearing flag: Oh look, it's Puerto Rican Superman.
Hipster's mom: Shhhh! He heard you.

NYU chick: Oh my god, I think it was the worst night of my life. When they found me, I was passed out on the toilet with my pant around my ankles. I'd thrown up into them.

Biker dude #1: I'm staying at that hotel, down by...93rd and 3rd.
Biker dude #2: Oh yeah?
Biker dude #1: Yeah, that's where I tried to commit suicide.
Biker dude #2: What do you pay a week down there?
Biker dude #1: I got a good deal going with the guy down there.

Man in elevator, to young boy: Como estas?
Wife: That is Spanish. He is from Brazil.
Man: Of, course. So, how do you say "how are you" in Brazilian?
Wife: Meh, they speak Portuguese in Brazil.
Man: Yes, I know that...
Pause
Man: How you say it in Brazilian?

College queer #1, trying to squeeze into seat at crowded table: Oh god, I'm too fat!
College queer #1: No you're not. Then I wouldn't be your friend.

British tourist guy: Come on, think, how many hours have spent together sober?
British touris girl: Two and a half.
British tourist guy: Now, how many hours have we spent together stoned?
British tourist girl: Two and a half ... thousand!

Woman on a payphone, with a hand over the receiver, yelling out to a man walking by: What city is this? What city am I in?
Man: Brooklyn!

Singing hobo: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip --
Girl with a lot of rage: Shut the fuck up! I hate that fucking show. Gilligan's Island. Fuck you, man.

Drunk girl #1 coughs.
Drunk girl #2: If you vomit, I swear to God this friendship is over.

Man: Do you want fries?
Woman: No, I'll eat yours.

Recording: This is Brooklyn Bridge...
Girl #1: This don't look like Brooklyn Bridge
Girl# 2: I know, maybe they're doing renovations or something.
Lady suit: We're still in the tunnel.

Guy #1: Is he sterile?
Guy #2: I hope so, he turned out to be kind of a dick later.

Teen girl #1: Yeah, so she said she was pregnant and I was just like, THAT SUCKS!
Teen girl #2: Ohh so that's why she's taking all that birth control.
Teen girl #1: Yup, I think she's on like four.

Thug: Yo, I'm just going down to the train.
Cop: No, you just going over to the jail.

Frat boy #1: Did you see that?!
Frat boy #2: What?
Frat boy #1: That guy just fucked you with his eyes.

Girl: Yo, so I heard that this guy fell into a hole and was covered with molten steel and died. What a terrible way to die.
Guy: Eh, not so bad.
Girl: Well, what's worse?
Guy: There was that guy in Germany who cut off this other guy's penis and then ate it.
Girl: He died?
Guy: Yeah, a man dies when his dick is cut off.

Black girl: Hey white girl, where is the party?
White girl: What? We don't know.
Hispanic girl #1: Y'all know where all the parties are.
White girl: We are from Cali.
Black and Hispanic girls: Ohhhhh.
Long pause.
Black girl #1: Welcome.
Black girl #2: What the fuck are you, the welcome wagon?

Little Boy, running towards pigeon on sidewalk: RAWWWWWR!
Mother: Sweetie, they're not afraid here. This is New York.

Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you're getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one.
The baby's mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller.
Mother: Look, milk comin' out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off?

Little girl: Mom, can I have some water?
Mom: Girl, don't me open my purse, you don't know what'll come out.

Hipster girl: Hi, how are you?
Dressy-casual guy: Hi, you look great!
Hipster girl: Thanks. You look like you're from Oklahoma.

Teenage gang chick with comb in hair: So, my momma sez, so, show me yo' socks, yo' shoes...no, the of yo' shoes...and she's like, take out this blade and this blade and this blade, and I'm like Yo, I need protection! And she's like Yo, you gots your comb and shit...How does she know this shit?

Crazy old lady to young clerk: Whatsa matter, you don't like old ladies? If I was forty years younger, I would eat you up like an, like an apple. [to older clerk] C'mere gimme a kiss. C'mon gimme a kiss. What are you, scared? I'd have you laying out in my funeral parlour in a pine box. What do you think if we skinned the knish? They'll wrap you in sheet and ship you back to Yemen. You want to ride the bull with me? You'll decide you love America.

Guy: Did you hear back from the modeling agency?
Girl: Yeah, it was Foot Fetish Palace. I have to call them back.
Guy: Oh my god you're in porn?! This is why we're friends.

Girl #1: So my co-worker is kinda cute, kinda not. Like Jersey-cute. No offense.
Girl #2: Jersey cute?
Girl #1: Yeah, fake tan, big muscles, clearly injects.
Girl #2: Oh, you mean Guido cute!
Girl #1: Guido, yeah, that's the word I was looking for.

Thirtysomething mom on cell: That boy of your is too fat. [Pause] Well, you keep feeding him hamburgers. That's why he has titties. He's an A-cup.

Suit: Do you see that guy? He's wearing a suit and sneakers!
Coffee vendor: Um...
Suit: I can't believe that! I really think guys like that should be lined up and shot on Broadway.

Teen girl #1: I am in the mood to get drunk tonight...
Teen girl #2: Yea! Tonight is such a good drunk night.
Teen girl #1: I can't wait to be drunk!
Teen girl #2: I can't wait to be stupid!
Teen boy: You guys say that every night. And have I gotten into either of your pants? No.

Preteen girl #1: Hey, so they finally showed us how to draw different shapes. I can finally do clovers.
Preteen girl #2: You fucking bitch, you never showed me how to draw hearts.

Woman #1: ... So his mom taught him.
Woman #2: His taught him.
Woman #1: Yeah.
Woman #2: To eat pussy?
Woman #1: Yeah.
Woman #2: That's disgusting!
Woman #1: He's really good at it, though.

Teenie girl: Omigod! Idea! Do you want to go rent a movie?
Her much older boyfriend: Sure. Have you seen The Firm ?
Teenie girl: What is that, like a porno?

Amiable but very intoxicated hobo: I don't believe this, how long you been a seargent?
World's weariest transit copy: Eight years Miquel, you drunken jackass.

Very fat guy: I've gained about 20 pounds since the last time you saw me.
Skinny guy: Yeah, I'd like to talk to you about that. When we're not on the subway, though, okay?

Queer #1: So when he showed up I was surprised because he was kinda gangsta.
Queer #2: Ok, so what's wrong with that?
Queer #1: Well, I guess I should have expected it because his profile said he was from the Bronx... but I mean you can still be from the Bronx and be Americanized.

Teen ghetto chick: How many niggas was they? Like twelve? Do tell James this shit, do not, 'cause he will be all ovah their asses and after he beat up the Snapple man and got arrested, he needs to stay away from that shit.

Guy #1 peeing in urinal moans loudly.
Guy #2 peeing in urinal: You ok, man?
Guy #1 peeing in urinal: God, I should have used a condom!

Girl #1: Shit, West Nile virus is in the United States?
Girl #2: Are you kidding me?
Girl #1: I thought that shit was only in New Jersey!

Young woman: I really want a boyfriend who is mean, who can say that, "I'm gonna kill him" and then looks down at his hand, and that laughs.
Older woman nods.
Young woman: You know, like those villians in movies with that grin, not the crazy ones who laugh but the ones who grin.

Girl: He only stuck it in, so it doesn't count.
Boy: Stuck it in? Like what's that mean?
Girl: I dunno, like three thrusts, tops.
Boy: Yeah, you're a virgin still. It has to be at least five thrusts to count.

White guy: Nigga, please.
White girl: That's not okay. Don't say that.
White guy: Nigga, thank you?

Guy: She's like so angry at the world.
Girl: I know right. It's not my fault that she has a lazy eye. I am like seriously considering getting her an eye patch.
Guy: Dude. That would be awesome.

Teen girl #1: Ew, foreskin, like why? Get circumcised. Clean it up.
Teen girl #2: Seriously. Right. Oh god I'd never go down on a guy with foreskin, not even the guy I'm marrying.
Teen girl #1: I'd be like, take care of it and then talk to me.
Teen girl #2: Seriously.

Thirtysomething woman: You used to go to Disney World too? I LOVED that place.
Thirtysomething man: Yeah...What was the name of the part with the big carousel? You know, something Square...it was like the center of the park.
Thirtysomething woman: I don't know...
Thirtysomething man: Tiananmen Square? Was that it?
Thirtysomething woman: Yeah! That sounds familiar..

Girl #1: Will you stop staring up at the buildings? You look like a terrorist.
Girl #2: Uh...
Girl #1: Tourist. I mean tourist.

Lady on train: What are you watching?
Overexcited man with portable DVD: The Da Vinci Code .
Lady: Oh! Cool! Is it good?
Overexcited man: It's EXCELLENT!
Lady: Oh -- I heard from people that the book was better.
Lady's friend: That's bullshit. She doesn't read.

Suit on cell: Well you should be careful, remember what happened last time... Well you have to remember, she can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, you gain weight... Whaaaaat? You think you weigh less than 130? Okaaaaaay.

Tourist girl [standing in middle of busy sidewalk]: Oh, excuse me! [spins around] Oh! [turns around] Omigod! Like, I just ran into like four people and I'm not even walking!
City guy: Try walking.
Tourist girl: What?
City guy [reluctantly drawn in]: Look, in New York most people aboveground get where they're going by walking. The sidewalks are the main roads in the city.
Tourist girl: [blank stare]
City guy [getting frustrated]: If you were driving on a busy road, you wouldn't just stop or take random turns in traffic without checking your mirrors or signaling, right?
Tourist girl: How do I signal?

Girl on cell: Ya know, it's the smart people not having kids, or maybe having one or two. Its the uneducated that are reproducing more uneducated people. You know that 64% of kids born today are minority. We should build that fence bewteen us and Mexico.
Very busy person: In class I start saying "African American" and then I'm like, fuck it, and I say "black black black..." I don't have time to be saying "African American."

Man with facial hair: You can only really pull off a Fu Man Chu if you're a cop, a gay porn star, or a pirate.
Guy to his girlfriend: You are one hairy bastard

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. I promise it will never. happen. again.
Man screaming on cell: Nah, I didn't lie to you about nuthin'. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho' wouldn't tell you about it!

Girl: The thing is, he's too lazy to be a drug dealer.
Guy leaving: See you tomorrow, I'm off to do some shoplifting!

Girl: I didn't know my brother was going to be at the party! And he was in a sarong!
Guy on cell: No, no. You can wear hats on the internet.

Girl yelling across the street: Yo, she got more hair on her pussy than your bitch got on her head!
Woman on cell. One hundred dollars? You must have me confused with 1-800-Crack Whore.

Tourist: Oh my god! That's Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's like, actually walking down the street!
JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!
Twentysomething woman on cell: I'm gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore's dog.

Yuppie mom: Do you think my baby is old enough to do yoga?
Pregnant woman on cell: Mom, I gotta go. I can't find Jason and I need to take him home before he plays Hide and Go Soil Yourself behind the stuffer machine.

Chick: There are so many homeless people around today. Like they've come out of hibernation or something.
Chick: I hate this museum. It's filled with stuffed monkeys who all look like they're crying.

Mean old New York lady: The hostesses in this place are so rude!
College kid on cell: He used my razor to shave his balls....I didn't know what to do, I just stood there.

Prissy girl on cell phone: Do you think I should call him? I don't think he'd talk to me after all of the shit I've pulled.
Guy on cell: I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. I'm usually so fucked up I don't know what's going on, to be honest.

Suit to other suit: They drive it through the city in milk trucks so that no one will know.
Queer on cell: Sunday? Well, I hate to say this out loud on a cell phone where the authorities can hear, but. . . that's Tonys night.
Guy: I went to high school with you. I was a senior when you were a freshman. I used to look at your pantylines in gym class.

Happy guy looks at two happy girls: Aah, look how happy they are! That is how it's supposed to be around here.
Unhappy guy looks at two happy girls: They look too happy, considering they've probably contracted multiple STD's just this week.
Happy guy: So you're not happy today?

Man: Is this where I can get a date? 'Cuz I want mine Priority!
Woman at counter: Um....
Man: That's okay. I'll take door number two!

Middle-aged woman exiting subway: Man, these are a lotta steps.
Young white woman: Yeah, living in New York is like living on a Stairmaster.
Middle-aged black woman: Amen, sister.

Puerto Rican teenager hanging with his homies: Yo GIMME YOUR BIKE!
Hipster riding by on his BMX: Gimme your haircut! I like your crispy hairlines!

Girl #1: Was he attractive at least?
Girl #2: I wouldn't sleep with people who aren't attractive.
Girl #1: Well, I've slept with people who weren't attractive.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too.

Little girl #1: Mom, can we have this?
Mother: Not now... Five minutes of silence.
Little girl #2: I want one of those bags!
Mother: Ok...Five minutes of silence or I start swingin'!

Tourist chick: Know what would be awesome? If we could manage to sound like assholes for like 10 minutes.
Tourist guy: We're from Ohio.

Guy on drugs: What are you on?
Girl on drugs: Um, a couch?
Guy on drugs: No, what are you on?
Girl on drugs: A couch!
Guy on drugs: What drugs did you take?
Girl on drugs: Acid?

Skater kid #1: I don't like this whole "valet" thing, man.
Skater kid #2: You don't trust them?
Skater kid #1: I DON'T TRUST ANYONE!

Girl: I'm going to bed when I get home.
Mom: OK, if I get up before you and I want to do something fun, then should I wake you up?
Girl: It depends on what "fun" is. If it's one of your ninety-seven Starbucks runs, then no. If it's chasing the dog around the house going "Eeeeee!" then, yeah, sure.

Airport security: Sir, we've been informed that you are carrying a firearm aboard this plane.
Suit: WHAT?!
Flight attendant: I overheard him say he was going to disassemble his firearm!
Suit: FLY ROD! Disassemble my FLY ROD!
Flight attendant: Oh. Whoops.

Guy at register: So, where do you go to college?
Girl checking out with mom: Erm, Wellesley.
Guy at register: Oh no way! I went to Wellesley! How is it these days?

Guy #1 to guy #2: Those sunglasses look really good on you. They go nicely with your complexion.
Guy #3: That was an amazingly Fab Five moment.

Very old lady to husband: You asshole! YOU ASSHOLE! I hate you.
Old husband: Wha?
Old lady: You didn't wait for me, you fucking asshole.

Little punk rock guy to tall hipster guy, sarcastically: Nice beard.
Tall hipster guy: Yeah, you want me to smash your face!
Little punk rock guy: Shit nigga, now I wish I had a beard to absorb that shit.

Conductor: For local service, switch to the D Train. Yes, for local service, take the D. I know many of you don't believe me, but I know you know in your hearts that I am right. And if you glance to your right, you'll see there is a D train on the next platform. Excellent.

Frat boy #1: Dude, you have, like, pills all over your counter. You have, like, a pharmacy on your counter, Dude. Why?
Frat boy #2: I don't know. Wait, I don't have pills all over my counter.
Frat boy #1: Yes, you do, Dude.
Frat boy #2: Oh, those...

Queer clerk: Am I sort of red here? [points at forehead]
Chick clerk: Um, no. Well, actually, kinda.
Queer clerk: Yeah, I knew that when his thing hit me there last night, it was going to leave a mark.

Eva Amurri to hipster companion: My father was telling me the dangers of aspartame -- you know the stuff in Diet Coke? It's like a sugar. It was once registered as a chemical weapon.
Hipster companion: Yeah?
Eva Amurri: If there is any way to become a superhero, it has to be by drinking Diet Coke.
[later]
Eva Amurri to hipster companion: I can't remember how it ends... If he dies in a war or if Gatsby gets in a car crash, but he loves Daisy.
[later still]
Eva Amurri: Pasties are Band-Aids that only cover your nipples.

Nebraska girl #1: It feels like it's raining.
Nebraska girl #2: I think it's coming from the set.
Pause
Nebraska girl #3: Where's it coming from?...Oh, it's actually raining.

Guy selling belts: Getcha belts here! Five dollahs! Belts! Only FIVE DOLLAHS!
Touristy man passes by with 10-year-old son.
Guy selling belts: Getcha belts to hitcha kids with! Talking to them don't work!

Little boy #1: I'm telling you, Elvis lives, man.
Little boy #2: Where's my mom?

Cotton-candy vendor: Cotton candy! Get your cotton candy!
Belligerent Mets fan: Get that pink shit away from me!

Do-gooder: Excuse me, you're not allowed to smoke in here.
Stoner lady: My bad, you want some?
Do-gooder: Um, no thanks, can you just put it out.
Stoner lady: Yeah, I used to do cocaine too, but it got too messy.

Tween girl on tour #1: This hallway smells like a hospital.
Tween girl on tour #2: Yeah, it reminds me of my mom's wake.
Tween girl on tour #1: Yeah, mine too.

Skinny white guy: I'm like, really excited for that Israel parade. Like, I think it will be a really nice experience for me.
Jewish girl: Mmhmm.
Skinny white guy: No, I'm serious. I love Jews. And like, I'm not just saying it to get into your pants.

Teacher: He probably met her in Darfur.
Teen boy: Yeah, thats it. They probably met in college.
Teen girl: Are you kidding me?
Teen boy: What?
Teen girl: Darfur is not a college, it's a country.
Teenboy: Umm, no. It's a college.
Teen girl: No, it's a country in Africa.
Teacher: She's right. It's a country in Africa.
Teen boy: Oh, I thought we were talking about the college Darfur.
Teen girl: Right....

Girl: Well, Christy works with three people who are getting sex changes.
Guy: Yeah, but she works at a vegan restaurant.

Old lady to old guy: You're sitting on my dress!
Old guy: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Old lady: Do you enjoy sitting on women?!
Old guy: Well, it depends on how old they are.

Hipster chick #1: I wish they had a whole pizza made of crust. I would so buy it.
Hipster chick #2: Me, too!
Queer: You mean bread?

Asian guy: The freshman at Stuyvesant are more attractive than the sophomores this year.
Asian girl: That's because they lowered the standards for them last year. And dumber people are obviously way hotter than smarter ones.

Street vendor: Watches -- five dollars.
Guy: Five dollars? What's the catch?
Street vendor becomes nervous and looks around.
Street vendor: They'll never catch me!

Stoner #1: Yo, why did newsboys used to shout "Extra!" when they'd sell papers?
Stoner #2: I don't know... maybe the news was about.. like... X-Men... like, mutants...
Stoner #1: Yeah... true... maybe.

Girl: Ew, I don't even want to think about it. Cunnilingus.
Guy #1: Of course you think it's gross if you call it that.
Guy #2: It's just Latin.
Guy #1: It's vulgar Latin.

Lady hobo: 'ey, you got the Boys Gone Crazy ?
Cashier Dude You mean Girls Gone Wild ?
Lady hobo: Yeah man, girls gone crazy, whatever, it'll do.

Young man: So you think you can get me financing for the car?
Old man: Son, I could get a horse thief financing.
Silence.
Young man: So the guy actually steals horses? Where do you meet these people?

Suit #1: I haven't had a regular check up in years, but I've had about five MRIs. There's a lot going on in my head.
Suit #2: Yeah, everything but a full head of hair!

Cashier #1: So they're like, not gonna let me graduate.
Cashier #2: What if you give them money? My school's a capitalist machine, they'll let you get away with murder if you pay them enough...unless you're pregnant. Then you're screwed.
Cashier #1: Nah, they're too used to kids pulling knives on them for extra pencils.
Cashier #2: Then cry. You can get anything you want by crying. Works for me.

Teen girl #1: Hey, can I borrow your Nirvana CD to burn? My iPod erased my mp3s.
Teen girl #2: I wish I had it! I like, traded it away for a pack of cigarettes.
Teen girl #1: Woah... that's so, Kurt Cobain of you!
Teen girl #2: Hello. Totally why I did it.

Older guy: Are you a millionaire?
Younger lady: No, my parents are in the Polish mafia.

Middle-aged Italian man #1: I's a-gonna buy dis pickle. It's been six months since I hadda pickle. I don't eat no pickles lately.
Middle-aged Italian man #2: Why not?
Middle-aged Italian man #1: I dunno. Every time it's like I'm-a suckinacock.

Vendor: I hate customers like you, with your big bills for a 95-cent drink.
Ghetto thug: I could always shoot your old ass, and have the soda for free if that makes making change any easier.

Security guy: I wanna have like 15 kids all by the same woman.
Cashier: That's crazy.
Security guy: My grandmother had 16 kids. That's a real woman. I want to marry a real woman.

Kid #1, looking at the Mona Lisa on Da Vinci Code poster: Hey, look! It's her again!
Kid #2: Who is this lady? She's everywhere!

Female lawyer: So what nationality are you?
Male lawyer: Scandinavian.
Female lawyer: Cool.... Where is Scandinavia?
Male lawyer shakes head and walks away.

ER admitting doctor with infinite patience: It's just sore gums, probably from flossing. No need to worry.
Baroness Munchaussen: But it could get infected, right? And I could die, right?
Doctor: Has anyone ever died from this in the history of mankind? Maybe. But you could also walk out of the hospital and be hit by a bus. You have a better chance of that happening.
Baroness: So you're saying I could die from this, and I shouldn't leave the hospital?

Hot chick: So, I just wanted to let you know I'm just coming out of a relationship.
Buff dude: Oh. Well, then I should tell you that I used to be a stripper in Chicago.
Hot chick: Hmm...I have herpes.
Buff dude: That's ok, I have two cats.

Jappy highschool queen bee to Starbucks guy wearing earrings: Are those real diamonds?
Twentysomething African-American Starbucks guy: No.
Jappy highschool queen bee: Awwww I'll mail you some real ones for your Bar Mitzvah, okay?

Crackhead: If my wife looked like you, I would stop smoking crack and get a job.
Businessgirl: Thanks.

Coach lecturing a mesmerized group of prefrosh: I am able to diagnose psychological issues very accurately because I used to suffer from them myself. So, for example, your typical goth girl will have below-average self-esteem. Girls who dance with their hands above their heads or who are obsessed about their purses date a lot and also suffer from low self-esteem.

Guy 1: What did you do this weekend?
Guy 2: Masturbate. You?

Guy: They have Bob Marley's last burrito -- just like the other place we went to.
Girl: Didn't he only have one last burrito?

Hipster girl #1: Why would someone tell you that right after meeting you?
Hipster girl #2: Honestly, why can't you just say your favorite movie is The Lord of the Rings instead of Lord of the Rings porn?

Student #1: I don't think we learned anything.
Student #2: Well, did you do the reading?
Student #1: No.
Student #2: Well, what did you expect?
Student #1: I don't like to read. I like to be taught.

Woman in stall #1: ....I can't believe he said that!
Woman in stall #2: I can't believe I'm taking a shit in public!

 Girl: Get your hand out of my pocket!
Guy: I wasn't gonna take nothin'. I just wanted to touch yo ass.

Syccophant: Our desk chairs suck.
Amazon fashionista: I'm happy.
Syccophant: And amazingly beautiful.

Teacher: Ok, settle down, we're going to watch this biography video.
Student: It better not be about Hitler, yo!
Teacher: What's wrong with Hitler?

Girl #1: I wish I was anorexic.
Girl #2: I'm going to punch you so that your head ricochets against that door.

Dancer chick into cell: City Ballet? [to dancer guy] City Ballet.
Both dancers crack up.
Dancer chick into cell: You would! You City Ballet whore!

Tweenie boy #1: Michael Jackson SUCKS!
Tweenie boy #2: Well, did you hear his music when he was black?
Tweenie boy #1: Michael Jackson was ?!

Mother to little girl: Eat your vegetables.
Little girl: I'm opposed to vegetables.
Father: Hey, your brother is opposed to dating women, and apparently we're letting that one slide.

Old Jewish lady #1: That's a gorgeous ring. What is that, 5 carats?
Old Jewish lady #2: Yes. I'm going to give it to my granddaughter when she turns 16. Maybe 18. As long as I know she's still a virgin.

Little girl: What's that, mommy?
She points to double-decker site-seeing tourist bus.
Mom: That's what the tourists use to look at us.

Tourist guy: Excuse me, do you work here?
Uniformed employee: Yes...
Tourist guy: Oh good. Is this Central Park?
Uniformed employee: No, this is Dale and Thomas Popcorn.
Tourist guy: Oh, well the bus guide said this was it. Where is it?
Uniformed employee, pointing north: Just walk that way.
Tourist guy: Well that's not much help, how the hell am I supposed to find it?
Uniformed employee: Oh trust me, you'll find it.
Tourist guy: HOW?
Uniformed employee: IT'S A BIG FUCKING PARK!

Old man: Oh, yes. I remember him.
Medical assistant: Well I'd hope you'd remember him after he stuck his finger in your butt!

Girl #1: I just don't get it! He said they were just friends... But they were always hanging out. Then all of a sudden he dumps me!!
Girl #2: Girl friend, you've been Jolie'd!

Woman: No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids.
Man: Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person.
[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]
Man: What's wrong?
Woman: I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong.

D'Agostino check-out counter girl, loudly into the store intercom: Jason, what's your password?

Queer: I would never want my little girl to be in Girl Scouts!
Girl: Why?
Queer: Because Girl Scouts is for lesbians.
Girl: That's not true! I was in Girl Scouts, and I'm not a lesbian!
Queer: Yeah, but you're fat and alone.

Hobo: Can anyone spare some change? Please, I'm homeless and hungry.
British tourist #1: Is that the same bloke from the earlier train?
British tourist #2: No, I think it's a woman.
British tourist #1: Oh! Poor thing. I wish we had a brassiere to give her.

Lady #1: You need a school ID?...What the hell, let's sneak in!
Lady #2: I've been thrown out of better places than Columbia!

White hipster #1: Yeah, I just moved into a place in Bushwick. I'm the only black guy for, like, five miles. Other white hipsters stare at him.
White hipster #1: What?

Mid-20's woman #1: What's the best way to get puke out of leather?
Mid-20's woman #2: I think you're too old to be asking that question.

Man: It was nice to meet you. Now will you shake my hand?
Little boy: No.
Man: Why not?
Little boy: Because she gave you her number, but she already has a boyfriend! I don't like that.
Woman: Shut up. That's not true.
Little boy: If it isn't, then why did it say "Jason and Trish, together forever" on your phone, when I turned it on right now?
Woman: Together forever, my ass; now shut up!

Grandma: Now, your daddy didn't come out of my vagina. He was sideways, so he couldn't come out of my vagina. His body couldn't fit out of my vagina.
4 year old: Oh.

Clerk: 20 copies [of ELLE Decor
Older man: My Hamptons house is on the cover.
Younger woman: Actually, it's not his house anymore.
Older man: It's my ex-wife's.
Younger woman: Yeah, he traded the house for me!

Mother, to little boy, who is trying to sneak behind some dividers: Stop it. You can't do that!
Little boy: Why not?
Mother: Because this is New York! People here have more class than you!

Guy #1: That girl's not too bad looking. How old, you think? Married, possibly?
Guy #2: She looks 26 and pissed off.
Guy #1: So she must be married.
Guy #2: With kids.

Drunken friend: That looks like the place to be! I'm going in that room.
Sober friend: Dude, that's a mirror.

Mom: Look at this! Look at all this! You're in nature! Aren't you having fun?
Little boy: No.
Mom: Well then there's something wrong with you.

Bus driver stops in the middle of the street, opens the door, and yells out: Hey! I called you last night, why you didn't answer? Yeah, I'm working now...What you doing this weekend? Wanna go fishing? Let's do barbeque. What? Yeah, yeah, man, let's get some barbeque going. Okay, I have to work now. I'll call you later tonight.

Asian queen #1: First I shampoo and then I rinse and then I shampoo and then I rinse and then I condition and then I shampoo and then I condition and then I rinse.
Asian queen #2: The problem is that you're telling your hair what it wants. You're not asking your hair what it wants.

Woman #1: I think Tom was kinda weird.
Woman #2: Yeah, he was really into Nazis.
Woman #1: Yeah, there's that.

Hobo: Pennies for the poor? [to girl with Scoop bag] Oh come on, you just went shopping!
Girl: Which is why I don't have any money!

Son: Ya know, every time I go to a family reunion I discover a new family member I didn't know existed.
Dad: Such as?
Son: Did you know about Grandma?

Girl #1: My mother is friends with tons of socialites.
Girl #2: Well my father fucked Madonna.
Girl #1: You win.

DVD hawker: I got , X-Men III , all high quality.
Guy: Those are illegal! You're stealing from me. I'm a writer.
DVD hawker: What? Did you write any of these?
Guy: You're selling illegal goods. I'm a writer. You're stealing from me!
DVD hawker: If you wrote any of these movies, you wouldn't be riding the subway.

Person #1: So, what's the third state in the tri-state area? I know: New Jersey...Certainly New York. Is it Connecticut?
Person #2: You never hear about a bi-state area.
Person #1: What about Nicaragua. Didn't you have sex with both a girl and a boy there?
Person #2: I don't think the country of Nicaragua bases its sense of identity on my sexual exploits.
Person #1: Is Long Island a state?

Girl: Enjoy your party! Everyone here loves you!
Birthday boy: Ehh.
Girl: Everyone here loves alcohol!
Birthday boy: Better.

Girl: What's that really fast train called?
Guy: Anthrax?
Girl: No, that's allergy medicine.

Girl: I think Elvis died on my birthday...No, wait, Elvis died on Madonna's birthday. Why do I always get that confused?
Geeky guy: Dudes, we are staying at the Bellagio. That gives us instant credibility.

Guy on cell: But he didn't get shot...Oh, the old man's dead? Niiiice!
Little Boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what I dreamt about last night? I dreamt I was dead!
Commuter: Well, I'd rather do it for a dead person than a handicapped one.
Guy #1, to guy #2: I don't want you to freak out about this, man, but when I die I want you by my side.

Guy: I have to sleep with her before she gets married.
Girl on cell: It's , not racism.
Woman on cell: I want the wedding without the husband. No, really, I want to wear the dress and have a party all about me.
Dude on cell: So she said, "Don't you want to marry me?" and I was like [shrugging], "Why the fuck not?"
Girl on cell: I can't believe you can't spend three hours to come to my wedding so you can study for the bar exam. I'm your sister! And this is my first wedding, so it's really important to me.
Man: If I had known how much work marriage was gonna be, I would've said, "Fuck the cow. Give me the milk for free."
Supportive friend: Well, they're past the murder-suicide part of their marriage, so that's good.

Mother, to little girl: Hold on to the pole, honey, but keep your tongue away from it. It's filthy!
Father, to five-year-old son: No, Jake, don't eat the watch...Time flies, but it doesn't taste good.
Mother, to little girl in line for security X-ray machine: Take your muffin outta the box. If it goes through the machine, it'll give you radiation.
Father, to crying son: Yeah yeah, life's a disappointment.
Tourist mom, to kids: Walk or die! Walk or die! Walk or die!
Old white lady, to little Hispanic girl: You're always tan...Everyone wants to be tan.

Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?
Hurrying lady: ...and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.
Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn't the same when you're constipated.
Hipster girl: So I just said to him, "Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!"...Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.
Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.
Dude: Nah, I wouldn't piss on someone if I didn't know them.
Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That's my fucking right as an American. I'm a patriot. Patriot, that's an adverb. An adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you've got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I'm pissing on the fucking floor.

Thug on cell: Will I accept payment in what? In coke? Fuck no, I won't accept an eight-ball as payment. No. No way, bitch, I don't care how pure it is. Uh-uh, the only coke I do comes in five dollar rocks. I can't afford to get hooked on that expensive shit.
Oveheard by: Prefers the expensive shit
Drunk guy, to his date: The reason I'm buying all of this coke is so that we can fuck.
Girl: Can you imagine saying your vows when you're that coked up?
Party girl: Oh my God, she took a picture of me one time while I was doing a line, and I was, like, so pissed!
Dude: America runs on cocaine.
Goth chick: I just want to buy some fucking groceries so we don't spend all our money on coke.

Guy: All we're gonna do anyway is drink in my basement. Fuckin' suburbia.
Teen girl: And he was like, "You people from Connecticut, all you ever do is drink cocktails and text-message each other."
Ditzy girl: It's like...like the herbal tea of beers.
Teenage guy: Dude, you can't get married. You're going to college. There's gonna be a lot of girls and beer. Every day .
Girl on phone: What do you mean she's not drunk yet?
Guy: We're going to strap the beer to the dog, and go down to the Ho Chi Minh Trail, and camp out by the railroad tracks.
Guy: I would rather be poor and not famous than famous and poor...I drank a lot today, but I am not drunk.
Guy on phone: Did you do her?...Mazel Tov...Was she drunk?

Guy: Okay, here's the plan: we paint your van, then you have sex with Susan, then I'll have sex with...someone else. Then we both smoke a of weed...
Teen boy: Yo, I just stopped smoking weed, cause, like, I heard it was bad for you. So I started smoking cigarettes again.
Queer on cell, taking deep drags of cigarette: No, I'm not! I told you I quit. [Exhales] Umm, that was just me blowing my bangs out of my eyes.
Smoker: I read somewhere that if you quit smoking by the time you are middle aged your body can still recover, and I thought, "Great I still have a couple more years to quit." Then I read what they define "middle aged" as. I'm !

Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!
Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn't make you special.
Ghetto chick: When she's asleep, I'm gonna squat on her brain.
Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?
Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that's because he was home-schooled.
Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she's like, "Naaah." I'm gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000...Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.
Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?
Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?

Teen boy: So when you said you loved her, did you say you loved her booty?
Mom, to her kids: Your mama's booty is gonna come in handy tonight!

Guy: Now, you know I want Tarzan the Musical to be a giant flop, but...
Ghetto teen, watching Sutton Foster sing "You've Got Possibilities" from It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman! , the musical: Maybe these crackers be famous, but it's Broadway. This shit sucks.
Tourist chick, on cell: On Wednesday, we're going to see The Directors The Directors The Directors . C'mon, you know, The Directors ! Oh, I mean The Producers !

Black woman #1, to black woman #2: That's a real cute phone for a nigger without a job.
Guy: I dunno, if I had that much money, I'd spend it on something else. Like pants made of diamonds...Or hookers made of gold.
Hobo, to baby in stroller: You're a fucking moron, kid, wasting all your money on that shit!

College girl #1: So, like, if you know anyone who, like, needs, like, anyone to do, like, anything for money, I'm totally desperate.
College girl #2: Oh, for sure! I'll totally let you know!

Thug guy: Son, he was pissed. She swallowed his cousin's babies, but she wouldn't swallow his.
Thug girl: That ain't true love.

Conductor: All right, people, there is six hundred feet of train. Let's try to use more than one door, please.
Tourist: Well that was rude.

Chick: We were trying to name all fifty states. And I was like, "Is Delaware a state?" and then three other people asked the same thing!
(Actually, Delaware is a small town .)

Dorky guy: Maybe I'll take you to Lucky Cheng's.
Date: Huh?
Dorky guy: I thought you'd heard of it. See, men dress up as women there. They're called transvestites. Some of them even have had surgery. I won't really take you there. I just wanted to understand your thought process. See how you react when I throw something like that out there.
Date: What? Are you taking me there?

Intern #1: So I was watching this thing on TV about Nelson Mandela.
Intern #2: I don't remember him.
Intern #1: He's famous.
Intern #2: Oh yeah, didn't he used to be a host on MTV?

Fat girl: So I think I lost my favorite jeans.
Friend: What jeans?
Fat girl: You know, the ones that make my ass look small.
Friend: Honey, you can't lose something that doesn't exist.

Girl: Hey, aren't you David Copperfield?
David Copperfield: Yes.
Girl: Will you do a trick?
David Copperfield: Not tonight, sorry.
Girl: You must have pulled something out of a hat to get in here. Loser.

Meathead: I think that's just so ridiculous that they would expect you to teach these kids when you don't know the kids at all.
Ditzy girl: Well they had name tags.

Girl #1: Did you see that Italian lady offer me her seat on the subway?
Girl #2: Yeah, so?
Girl #1: So, it's the shirt. This fucking expensive shirt makes me look pregnant.
Girl #2: So don't wear it anymore.
Girl #1: No, it was expensive. I'd rather look like a well-dressed, knocked-up slut than a single girl with sub-par taste in clothing.

Girl #1: I find it tart, too. Also kind of musky and a little sweet.
Girl #2: Mmm. Wait! Are you talking about pineapple or pussy?--Washington Heights

Lady: 'Scuse me, sir. Can you tell me how to get to Baltimore?
Man: That's in Maryland
Lady: Damn. --Times Square

Mom, to two small children: I think it is better to be born with no legs than to be born with two and have them taken away.
Laundromat owner: She think she know everything! If he love her so much, why'd he go get that other girl pregnant two months after she lost her leg?! He should be giving a baby!

Girl on cell: It doesn't matter how many people I've had sex with...If I can remember each of their names, then it isn't a lot.
Girl on cell: You had a threesome with the mayor of ?
NYU boy: Pear applesauce, strawberry applesauce, banana applesauce. God, it's like the apples did every other fruit in the garden!
Dude: And after the party, everyone gets innoculated and takes the morning after pill.
Woman: The problem is that men are paradoxically both a reason to be celibate and to have large amounts of sex.

Woman: My sister had a kidney removed when she was 9, and she still uses it.
Guy: Yeah, the only reason I have kids is that, if I ever need it, I know there's a compatible kidney around.

Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.
Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Woman: It's not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm interested in your sparring class...No, you see I want to hit somebody.
Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don't care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.

Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!
Girl on cell: Nothing's bigger than Oprah, not even my mother's ass!
Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo' fat ass to the gym!
Little boy: Mommy, I'm sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.
Walking VD: It's not cheating if she's fat.
Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she's just going to make fun of me because I'm short and fat! Oh my God!

Old lady, standing in front of the Leda and the Swan statue: Gee, I guess she must really like that swan.
Frat boy: She was real "Helen of Troy" pussy.

Old guy on cell: I don't know, thinking about going to the movies. Maybe I'll see The Devil in Miss Prada .
Girl: Yeah I sold my soul to the devil. I was like, "Hey, devil, can I sell you my soul?" And he was like, "Okay."
Queer: And, futhermore, we all know that the Devil does not wear Prada. He wears flame-retardant knock-offs from Target.

New Yorker: ...and then the tourists paused near the construction of the New York Times' new building, and one, who was I guess their leader, pointed to it and said, "Everyone, that's Ground Zero."
Tourist: And this is H Street. So we'll be in SoHo next.
Tourist girl: Oh, look! I think that's Times Square!
Woman on cell: No, I can't. I'm in the Times Square area right now.
Dude: Excuse me, is this Times Square?
Teenage girl: Does this train go to Manhattan?
Tourist: Wait, are we in Manhattan or just New York?
Australian hipster: Could you tell me how to get back to Manhattan?

Old man, to man who has just sneezed on him: Fuck you, you shithead! Ya goddamn farthole!
Crazy guy: And I'm just gonna take a shit in his fucking mouth.
Old man, to dog: Shit already, damnit! Do you hear me?! Shit already!

Asshole, pointing at a Chinese woman with Down Syndrome: Look a Mongoloid Mongolian.
Girl on cell: Well, she wasn't a better person before she went to rehab, just a more fun one...Yeah, I agree, it would be awesome if she relapsed. God, we are terrible people.

Middle-aged woman: I really never cared for skiing, but I was so alone in my marriage, I found it was a great way to meet men.
Meathead #1, to meathead #2: Hey! Want to go to a ballroom club?
Guy, to passersby: Game of chess? Play chess? Chess?...Also got chronic.

White chick: And they kept talking shit about gay people.
White guy: Fucking bigots. Those people should be lynched.
White chick: Shh! I told you to stop talking about lynching in this neighborhood!

Girl #1: My ex was such a wuss. He even sucked his thumb! Thirty years old and he sucked his fucking thumb.
Girl #2: Yeah, my ex had a little pillow on his bed that said, "Princess sleeps here."
Girl #1: Didn't buy that for him?

Tween boy: Mom! Let's already!
Mom: If you're so bored, go play in traffic.

Thug girl: Yeah, tell that bitch I'm crazy. I'm mad crazy, not that crazy on the train shit. I'm crazy goin' ta' jail shit.
Woman: But he's so funny when he's not having seizures.

Little boy, to passerby: That's why I ejaculated in your mom's nose!
Chick: See, I don't like the idea of drinking semen not directly from the cock.

Girl: He took me to a Japanese restaurant. I got the chicken karaoke.
20-Something girl: So, is Alabama Kentucky?
Early-20's woman: The Himalayas aren't a real place. They're like Narnia.
Ghetto girl: In British Whose Line Is It Anyway? , do they speak English?

Guy on cell: My doctor told me if you piss right after sex, you can't get STDs...Yeah, I do it all the time.
Loud teen girl: Wait, you had a dream that you had AIDS? That had AIDS? Fuck you, man.
Chick on cell: I know it's sick, but I'm so excited that I can have unsafe sex now!
Concerned citizen: Excuse me, I don't know if this is a trans-generational or New York metropolitan faux pas , but you should really tell your friend, girlfriend, lady friend or whatever that one in every four persons in America has herpes.

College-aged girl, to her friends: We have to make out tonight. And we have to get it on camera.
Yuppie girl: I felt so uncomfortable so, like, I had to get wasted.
18-year-old Asian girl: My parents just don't know me anymore, you know? I've changed my last year in New York, you know? Like, I've had sex with a lot of people.
Girl in red leather pants, on cell: Yeah, but you have to bring a leather outfit, otherwise you won't get any clients. Everyone there is a biker or otherwise they are latex fetishists.
Girl: I used to have two vibrators, but I broke 'em both.
Trendy girl on cell: Yeah, so Long Islanders will be there. You know what that means: debauchery...and danger!
Girl: He had the nerve to tell me that I had no life. I was like, "I do too have a life! I am drinking constantly!"

Woman on cell: Hey, Jane*, in case I get thrown in jail tonight you have the money for bail, right?
Guy on cell: They said I'd be looking at a $10,000 fine and six months in jail, but they didn't take my name. I figure if people aren't out wandering the streets looking for me, I'm okay.
Blond yuppie on cell: That's so cute! But did he really just get out of jail?

Keen observer: They're fuckin' cowards, man! Mountain lions are cowards, too.
Loud girl on cell: Well don't ask me! I don't know anything about the mechanics of whale sex!
Subway conductor: Please enter the train as human beings, not wild animals.
Guy: Yeah that reminds me of my first time. He took me to dinner but was too nice and perfect. Then in bed he made animal noises and his cat was like between us and he didn't kick it out of bed.

Girl on cell: So I woke up with a slice of pizza on my stomach again last night.
Man: You know my theory: ground beef makes anything taste better.
Old woman: Give me a donut. But not a very sweet one. I'm diabetic.
Fat woman on cell: "Butter Lovers" or "X-treme Butter" with an X?
Teenage boy: I had frosted Cheerios for breakfast. That's some heavy shit.
Woman, yelling into her cell in a thick Puerto Rican/New York accent: I had to call you. Guess what I'm thinking about right now? Guess! You know the little peanut man on the jar of peanuts? Him! The little peanut man.
Queer: Here's what I want you to do. First, I want you to spread chocolate on my chest. Then, I want you to spread some nougat, then some caramel and roasted peanuts. Then I want you to fuck me and call me Snickers.

Cute 20-something queer on cell: I slipped and fell and slid about fifteen feet on 34th Street. Thank God I have a fat ass. It was like a Slip 'n Slide without the warm, the bathing suit, or the fun.
Peter Sarsgaard: That was like the time my sister got hit by her own school bus!

Black woman, looking at Nacho Libre poster: I don't wanna see any foreign shit. Fuck that!
Woman with white dog to woman with black dog: He's only barking because he isn't used to seeing that kind of dog.

Teen boy: So I was watching one of those independent channels, and I saw this weird movie called Jesus Christ Superstar . Have you heard of it? It's from the 70's, so the camera work is really bad, but it's not in black and white or anything. The best part is that Herod is all big and fat and he sings this funny song, like, "You're the king of the Jews!" It's a pretty funny movie. You know, except they, like, kill Jesus at the end.
Girl: You know, I don't think Jesus ever asked Mary Magdalene to kiss his balls.
Drunk guy: Jesus saved me already, you fucking cunt!
Chick: Whatever. I could've annihilated Jesus at beer pong.
Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

Man on cell: Hello. Oh, hi, yes. You won't believe it. I'm on a bus. In New York City. Can you imagine?
Girl: Oh my God, I am psyched to be in New York. Look! I can't believe they have sand here! Aww!
Tourist guy: Wow. I love this city. If New York had a cunt, I would eat it.

Queer: Great shoes!
Woman: Thanks! They're Star Jones.
Queer: And they're as black as her soul.

Very preppy chick #1: I wouldn't want to work at a minimum-security prison. Those people scare me.
Very preppy chick #2: Whatever. Think of all the things done that we could've gone to minimum-security prison for.
Very preppy chick #1: Okay, good point.

Girl: How do I cross the parade?
Cop: Get in line with the rest of the straight people.--Pride Parade, 14th & 5th

Guy: That kid just pulled up the mannequin's skirt and copped a feel! Kid's mother pulls down the mannequin's skirt.
Kid: !!

Tech geek guy: We really need to get a terrorism button.
Tech geek girl: Yeah, I totally agree. I've been having to use the old one, and I'm sick of it. A terrorism button would really make things easier.

Middle-aged female shopper: Excuse me, can you tell me where the matzoh is?
Fairway employee: Matzoh? I don't know. What is that, a drink?

Hipster girl: What's bird flu?
Hipster guy: I'm not sure. I think you get it from chickens or something.
Hipster girl: My mom has chickens.
Hipster guy: Does she have bird flu?
Hipster girl: No, she has eggs.

Child: Mommy, what's that smell?
Mother: That's the city, honey.

Guy: My brother tried to fuck my girlfriend , and she hates him for it! Some girls have no sense of humor.

Man #1: They take your children?
Man #2: They even take your dignity!

High school girl #1: I think they give them a class on it.
High school girl #2: Called what? How to be a complete asshole and sleep with all of your girlfriend's friends?

Girlfriend: I don't wanna talk to you.
Boyfriend, chasing after her: How many times must I tell you?! I don't sleep with guys!!!

Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That's terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he's, like, from New York.

Drugged out gangsta kid #1: I got mad depth perception, yo.
Drugged out gangsta kid #2: Yo, do you know what that means?
Drugged out gangsta kid #1: Yeah, I can see really good out one eye.
Drugged out gangsta kid #2: No, man. Deaf means you can't hear shit!

Lady: Ewww! It smells like someone made a dump!

Kid: So my mom bought some 100-calorie packs of Oreos because she thought that they were just small in size, but it turns out that they have no cream.
Girl: Aw, that's so cute. I love your mom.
Kid: It's not cute. She cried.

Indian guy: Hey, what country are you from?
Asian girl: Tibet.
Indian guy: So you live in Tokyo?

Guy #1: Wait a sec, what train is this? What am I on?
Guy #2: I'm on your mom. That's what I'm on.

Black woman: You know that girl you bumped into? She was handicapped. And you didn't say, "Excuse me."
White boy: Um, she bumped into me.
Black woman: So, she's handicapped. Is it her fault?
White boy: Shut the fuck up and go pick up your welfare check, you entitlement-addicted bitch.

Black boy: This hobo offered me some weed today on the train.
Mother: Did you take it?
Black boy: Yeah. She kinda looked like grandma.

Girl: Oh my god! That's my high school photography teacher!

Girl: Oh, and in French, they say-
Guy: -I don't care.
Girl: This date has been awful.
Guy: Shut !

Middle-Aged man: I hope we don't get caught.
Prostitute: Don't worry, I never have.--81st & Amsterdam

Tourist: Um, do you live here?
Teen girl: Uh, yeah.
Tourist: Oh, is that the Empire State Building?
Teen girl: You mean the big, pointy building?
Tourist: [nods]
Teen girl: What the fuck do you think? [walks away] Fucking tourist.
Tourist: Thank you! [to friend] So, wait, it the Empire State Building?

Gay flight attendant, frantically running down aisle: Excuse me ! Coming through. Scusa, signore . Excuse me, I need to get the back of the plane. It's an emergency! Excuse me !! [Runs past woman, stops, walks back.] Oh my God, your scarf is ; did you buy it in Venice?
Woman's husband: Did you say there was an emergency?
Gay flight attendant: Not as big as the one that'll happen if I don't get that scarf!

Thug, taking a drink: Yo, this water's mad wet.
Guy: I mean, I don't want any bok choy in my chakra.

Guy on cell: Don't play games with me or I'll break your fuckin' nose. Have you got the money? Where's the fuckin' money?
Ghetto kid on cell: Yo, yo, you don't want to play football? ...Right, right, so just when you tackle them, put your hand in their pockets and take their money!
Hobo: God, lady, I'm not asking for a million dollars; I'm just asking for some change!
Biker dude: She's a shrink a psychiatrist, so you know she's rollin' in money.

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I've gotta get out of these pants first. The crotch is wet and I don't wanna get mad yeast.
Professor: You need to find your special place.
Girl on cell: You definitely could. You have a wider-set vagina than I do.
Old lady on cell: Did you remove the tick from the genital area?

Black guy: I can believe mah baby girl just graduated from high school! Come on, honey, I'll let you pick where we gonna go fo' dinner: Denny's or White Castle?
Ghetto girl graduate: Ya'll wanna go to Red Lobstah or what?

Woman, yelling to man: Look, you give me crack and I smoke it and we fuck. That's what we do.
Queer on cell: At least have the decency to suck dick for coke!
Small child: I feel so dirty.
Guy: You'll never even see a vagina in your life. I can at least pay for it.

Stoned chick: I've got to do all the drugs I can today. I'm going into rehab next week.
Old man: Yeah, my daughter moved out a few months ago. She loves her university and smokes a lot of pot.
English professor: Is that what you say when you're in your room popping ecstasy with the door closed?
Southern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe's son died? Why'd he die so young? Vicodin overdose? Oh, I will be careful. Well, that's what happens when you take too much Vicodin. You die.
Teenage girl: Yeah, she sucks now that she's a crack addict
Literary critic: It was Sherlock Holmes who got me on coke.

Woman: And I was like, "Do you want my breasts to make the copies for you"?
Bag lady: Hey, those tits look great on you!
Airport security guard, to woman going through the security line: I said outerwear not underwear!

Guy: Free New York Times Market Place ! You need a motherfucking job? Get yourself a motherfucking job! Pay your child support! Free New York Times Market Place ! Find yourself a motherfucking job!
Black guy, to white guy: Wake up, sleepy cracker! It's Monday; time for work!
Man in suit, on cell: It's manly to want to take care of your family.

Girl: Whatever, it's disgusting. I mean, you can cum in my butt but not in my vag.
Woman: I have sex in my vagina, not in my bottom!

Summer student: I don't know where and I don't know what, but I am getting something pierced.
Girl: I just want to throw a rock at it and watch all the windows shatter.

Loud, nerdy guy: They're basically a bunch of shitty MySpace kids with mutant powers. Like the hedgehog kid: his power is that spikes come out of his body, what the fuck is that? I could roll around in glue and syringes and get that guy's power.
Middle-Aged man: I think vampires are kind of stupid. They seem to care an awful lot about how they look and what others think. It's like, who cares? You're six hundred years old and on your way to hell, hello?
Asian girl: One of my cousins is a dragon.

Asian valley chick: So, I bought this shirt? And it was like...it was like...it was like, a shirt? And it was really cool.

Girl: You're like McDonald's: over one billion served!
Guy: So what does that make you: an extra value meal?

Six-year-old girl: Wow! Look at those go-go boots. The East Village is so multi-cultural.
Her father: You think so? It's mostly rich, white people now.

Lady #1: Oh, shit! Is that a cockroach?
Manager, yelling to co-worker: Go kill that, quick!
Lady #2: Oh my gawd, that is the biggest cockroach I ever seen.
Lady #1: We better be gettin' some free chicken 'cause of dat shit.

Girl: So why did you hang up on me twice?
Guy: Why did you sleep with him last night?

Girl #1: Want to get take-out?
Girl #2: Sure. I feel like something warm and vegetarian.
Girl #1: Like what?
Girl #2: Hmm. Oh! Like a tuna sandwich.

Lesbian #1: We should start worshipping Satan.
Lesbian #2: Yeah! I bet we could be the first lesbian church of Satan worshippers.
Lesbian #3: That is so hot.

Tween boy #1: Where is he? He owes me fucking ten dollars.
Tween boy #2: This is really gay.
Random girl: I'm offended, you retards!

Guy #1 (wearing do-rag): You know why I wear this shit, man?
Guy #2: Nah, man, why?
Guy #1: Because I love the stare. I love it when some dumb white guy stares at me and asks why I wear this so I can curse the shit out of that mothafucka!

Queer #1: Everyone's tasted their own cum once.
Queer #2: That sounds like a line from a play.
Straight guy: Sounds like a shitty play.

20-something chick: That's not urine. I know what urine smells like. I've lived in Florence.

Straight girl #1: Go find me a cute boy!
Straight girl #2: Ok! I will... But he's not going to be into you.

Penny-pincher: Excuse me. Where do they sell the knockoff iPods?

Tourist husband: Hey, look, a Starbucks.
Tourist Wife: Ooo...

Man: Wow, you speak good English. Where are you from?
Asian girl: Australia.
Man: Do they speak English there?

Woman on cell: First I had to see all of those girls I know with their perfect boyfriends, reminding me I'm single! Now I'm in the Village, and all these gays guys are out with their hot boyfriends, reminding me I'm single. I can't take it anymore, Ma!

Drunk woman: So I was like, "Why don't you just off yourself, you fat, miserable fuck?"
Friend: Jesus, Becky*.

Guy #1: ? He gave you crabs?
Guy #2: Well, apparently he didn't remember I was allergic to shellfish.

Woman: You know how the Germans continue to punish the Jews? They date them.

Girl #1: I just don't know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad's a mortician.

Suit #1: It just feels...weird.
Suit #2: Spongy.
Suit #1: Yeah.

Ghetto guy: Yo, can I getcha number?
Girl: Umm, no, this is my boyfriend. Girl leans in to kiss gay friend.
Ghetto guy: Oh, ok, sorry. I didn't know.
Gay friend: Girl, if I wasn't gay before, I sure as hell am now!

Student #1: How long have you been here?
Student #2: I live here for four years.
Student #1: Your English is perfect! What is your native language?
Student #2: I speak Thai. Your English is fine, too. You are from Trinadad, right? What is your native language?
Student #1: English.

Black teenage girl on cell: I don't care if he is a skinny white dude. I'm telling you right now, as long as I don't have my period I'm gonna screw that cracker.

Tween boy #1: Do you want to rent
Tween boy #2: No, I've seen it.
Tween boy #1: So?
Tween boy #2: I don't like watching movies I've seen already.
Tween boy #1: How about Ice Age
Tween boy #2: Seen it.
Tween boy #1, to video clerk: Do you have Bridge Over the River Kwai

Girl #1, watching clean-cut white guy who is playing his clarinet for money: What's he doing peddling on a subway?
Girl #2: Do we have to give him money because he's white?

Barista: Man, I need some Vicodin.
Female customer: Let me look in my bag. [Looks in bag] No, must be in my other bag. My butterfly bag.
Barista: Oh.
Female customer: Last year, when I was depressed, a friend of mine took all my drugs. Then I went to her place, and I said, "Hey, can I have my drugs back?" So she gives me this one bottle. And later I go in her bathroom, and I look in the medicine cabinet, and they're all right there. I mean, why would she leave them there? She had to know I'd just go in there and take them back.
Barista: Ah.
Female customer: And later I went to a party--you know, that rooftop party--and someone stole all my OxyContin.
Barista: I was just kidding. I've had a stressful day.

Girl: I really wish we had stayed. I totally would have waited in the rain and gotten wet for Beyoncé.
Guy: I didn't know you were into chicks.
Girl: Wet from the rain, you jackass.

Sports enthusiast: Man, that guy was queerer than a football bat. --40th & 6th
 Queer enthusiast: My son can play football, but only if he's gay...Because, well, at least he'd be gay.

Man: All I want is vaginal fluids. Been locked up for years upstate.
Hipster dude: It smells like dirty vagina out here.
Amateur gynecologist: I mean, when you think about it, he's really just a big vagina with sand in it.
Frat guy: I don't know, man...I just don't trust her vagina.
Chubby teen: I've never even touched a vagina!
Worker: They had a bet on who ate the best pussy. They get on the stage and take turns going down on her.
Woman, to store clerk: Excuse me, do you knows where the pussy products is?

Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath . Which, by the way, has no grapes ! Pissed me off! --53rd & 7th
20-Something chick: Non fiction? That's true stuff right?
Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you. --Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.
Guy: You can't talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.

Guy pedalling rickshaw, on cell: No, I can't get there. I have no bike right now. No, I'm on the train at the moment. --34th & Broadway
 Man on cell: No, I'm not outside!... I'm in the bank! ...I'm in the bank...I'm telling you, I'm in the bank --Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Middle-Eastern dude on cell: Right now I am coming in a taxi cab from JFK Airport...Yes, well, I understand your concern, but you see, I am the taxi.

Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!...He has a penis! --189th St
Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese. --Red Hook
Woman: Aaah! I've got baby penises in my eye!
Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.

Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I'm going home! --Coney Island 20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That's who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.

Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit. --Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave
Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an' shit already. I got places to be!
Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!
Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I'm going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap !
Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!
8-year-old girl: Let's play poo-poo!

Girl: ...because I feel like we're going out. It's just that he won't call me.
Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them. --San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave
Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn't have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.
Shrewd observer: That's not dating. It's called being on parole.
Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!

Man, pointing at window display: That'll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say "SALE" across the ass. Classy.
Hipster chick: Quite frankly I'd rather wash all my bras tonight.
Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let's go.
Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning?
Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear.

Very large man, pointing at a McDonald's: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?
Man wearing an "I Heart My Heart" shirt, to guy eating fast food: You're just aching for that heart attack, aren't you?
Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It's 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...And then it gets even more confusing, 'cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don't have shit on us.
Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, " Quiero Taco Bell !"
Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K...F...C?

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.

Queer: Hanging out with him is like doing charity work.
Ghetto girl to thug: You can't touch this. Keep reminiscin', mothafucka.
Guy on cell: I'll be real with you, man. I know more than you. I know a lot more than you.
Altruist: He's really nice so I just fake it sometimes.
Teen girl: She did ? Oh my God, she is, like, so off my top 8.
Queer: Well, I do like the person you to be.
Loud chick: Who knows how he lucked out into marrying her? I'm just always thinking, lady, you are , and yet you married an Ewok.

Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.

Halter-Top #1, screaming into cell: We're on 10th and One. One. One!
Halter-Top #2: Just tell him we're at 10th and
Halter-Top #1: [Pause] Oh, First? Is that what it's called?

Dental hygienist: What is your dissertation going to be on?
Grad student: The cultural barriers to health care for Mexican-born migrant farm workers.
Dental hygienist: How about the cultural barriers to health care for German-American dental hygienists with $2,500 deductables, instead?

Blonde model: I can't believe she wants President Bush at her wedding!
Brunette model: I know. What if he says "nuc-u-lar" or something!?
Blonde model: Why would he say "nuc-u-lar" at a wedding?
Brunette model: Helloooo? Because he's the President!
Blonde model: True...

Dumb blonde #1: Yeah, so, like, Photoshop is better for, like, for photos, and Illustrator is better for, like, illustrations, and InDesign is better for, like, designing stuff.
Dumb blonde #2: Wow, I could never be a graphics person; that's so much software.
Dumb brunette: I could! I use Paint all the time!

Hipster #1: Man, she is so hot.
Hipster #2: Oh yeah.
Hipster #1: But sometimes she looks like a guy.
Hipster #2: True.

Grandpa: Honey, take off your shoes and put them on the belt.
5-Year-Old granddaughter: Me?!
Grandpa: Yes, everyone has to take off their shoes.
Granddaughter: But ?! Really?!
Grandpa: Yes, you too.
Granddaughter: What kind of airport is this?!

Girl #1: My dad bugs me, too. He's always buying orange juice because it costs less than other juices.
Girl #2: I'm sorry.
Girl #1: Now I fucking hate orange juice. What the fuck is that about? Orange juice is like a cheap whore to me now.

Chinese girl: I just think it would be a little weird.
Jewish girl: Why?
Chinese girl: 'Cause I'm not Jewish.
Jewish girl: What are you talking about? You're . That's practically Jewish.
Chinese girl: ...True.

Woman, looking at fossil: So is this like, a thing, or did someone make this up?

Queen #1: Where do you want to eat?
Queen #2: I don't care. As long as there are no carbs, I'll eat anything.
Queen #1: I know, let's go there. [Points to Mexican place] You can have the beans and, ooh, they have the best corn. That's a good carb.
Queen #2: ? I can't have corn; I'm getting fucked tonight

Girl: You know, when my dad was my age he was singing with a traveling choral group.
Guy: Oh really? I didn't know that about your dad.
Girl: Yeah, the group performed, like, all over the world!
Guy: Really?
Girl: Well, I mean, like, all over Harlem.

Hobo: Please, anything. Anything will help. I need to feed my children.
Male passenger: I got some cookies.
Hobo: Yum! I love cookies.

Tourist: I want to go home. New York is so unchristian. Look at this, they even have a place called "Satan Island"!
New Yorker: Oh yeah, we New Yorkers are the worst. We even sold our souls to the devil so we could all read.

Woman #1: Why don't you get a child of your own?
Woman #2: Girl, I already gots a car.

Lady: Why didn't you stop the bus for me on the other side?
Bus driver: Ma'am, I'm not allowed to open those doors at a non-designated stop.
Lady: Good Lord Jesus Christ, I am not your enemy. Who are you? The Terminator?
Bus driver: Stop being so hostile!
Lady: the one being hospitable! Ooo, you are hospitable!

Guy: Wow, a head on a stick! That's so cute.
Girl: We should take a picture with it.

Tourist lady, excitedly: I just met my first rude person in this city!

Conservatively-Dressed guy: So my fingers are covered with little box-cutter cuts, which means I can't go shoving them into the places that I used to. Now I might catch something.

JAP #1: Yeah, I was only able to throw up breakfast and lunch today.
JAP#2: Damn! I hate when that happens.

Hipster girl #1: I bet she had a frontal lobotomy.
Hipster girl #2: Really? I was thinking she might be slightly autistic.
Hipster girl #1: Maybe she's just really happy.

Woman: So the subway in Abu Dhabi is pretty convenient?
Man: Yeah, but the only thing I don't understand is how they can put a subway on an island.
Woman, after a long pause: Think about it.

Teen girl: I've never figured out all those different deodorant smells. Why do you need deodorant with different smells?
Mother: Well, maybe someday you'll have a boyfriend you'll want to impress.
Teen girl: By having fruity armpits?
Mother: You never know, he might want to smell them.

Hipster #1: I had beer for breakfast this morning. Beer and cheese fries. And she had 'em with me! That's okay, man!
Hipster #2: Yeah, she's special.

Female clerk #1: He's about 300 pounds now!
Female clerk #2: There's something wrong with that baby.

Client: You don't abuse my dog, do you?
Groomer: Let me check your card.

Frazzled woman: You ain't a man. You ain't nothing but a bitch-ass nigga. Just a fucking bitch ass!
Young gangsta #1: Psh, crazy bitch. She don't even have a cell phone.
Young gangsta #2, pulling out cell phone and waving it around: Yeah, she ain't even got one of these!

Engineer #1: I would poke her, man. I would poke the life out of her.
Engineer #2: I have poked her. I have poked the life out of her.
Girl, walking by: Look, you two need to get laid. Facebook means nothing to us girls; we get a billion pokes a day.

Hipster on cell: Yo, eggplant can be vegetarian, right?
Middle-Aged woman: Damn vegetarians, always trying to take over the world.
Girl: Are bums allowed to be vegetarian?
Guy: She's vegetarian?! I thought she was an alcoholic?
Shrewd observer: You've had way too much cock in your mouth to be vegan.
Shoeshine man to group of young people: It ain't natural. Our bodies, they have the to digest meat. If we were like a goat--and not to insult you, miss, 'cause you're prettier than a goat--but then that's okay that we don't eat meat. But we ain't. We're carnivores. If you're a vegetarian, you gotta listen to your body. It's tellin' you: " Meat me !" You know, like, " Meat me !"

Tourist: I want to have sex. I'm old enough!
20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn't even been born yet...
Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!
Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.
Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.
Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It's people like that who give New York City a bad name.
Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I'm a New Yorker; it's practically a requirement!
Tourist on cell: Yeah! I'm in New York! Yeah, it's kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can't drink in the streets.
Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!
Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that's why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York...except for niggas on the train.
Little girl: There's a of people in this New York City!

Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where's Susan Smith when you need her?
College girl: Mom, I can't babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I'm sorry, I don't like babies. I find we have very little in common.
Lady: I don't know if that woman ever found her baby's head!
Mother to infant: I'm so glad you're getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn't sure if I was going to love you! You're not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?
Guy surrounded by kids: You're all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that's what you are!
Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don't care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?
Lady on cell: No, she don't like anyone. She mean as shit...Nah...Nah...She don't even like her own children.

Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and he complains!

Logistical genius: If the power goes out and we lose the air conditioning, we can always use the fans.
Dude on cell: Am I keeping it real? I'm wearing a Goddamn blazer, and it's 100 degrees out. Of course I'm keeping it real!
Conductor: Now, I know it's real hot out there, so this is what I do when I'm walking down the streets of New York and trying to keep cool. I just sing this little song to myself: "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know"...All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there.
Woman to her son: It's too hot for stupidness.
Proselytizer: You think this is hot? is hot!
Guy on cell: How you been doing in this heatwave?...That's hot...Well, now I'm getting all hot, thinking of my hot, sweaty cousin.
Dedicated employee: Frankly, the only reason I'm going in to work today is because they have better air conditioning than I do.

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!
Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you've got trouble on your hands.
Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it's getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!
Realist on cell: Well you can't expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.
Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?
Business woman: No, I told her I'd rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

Very young child: Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha...
Drunk guy: You know, I get very annoyed when I'm really drunk and you're not.
Girl on cell: Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are! You! Drunk!? Are you drunk?...Cause am!
Guy on cell: Well, you can just watch me drink then!
Smart teen: Wait, you're gonna use your fake ID to buy alcohol with a credit card? Haha, I'll just wait outside.
Cinephile: I need to get hammered like Mel Gibson tonight!
Boy genius: That's one word to describe my brother: drunk and psychotic.

Conductor: Good morning, Manhattan, it's Friday. We can do this! This is a Brooklyn bound 1 train. It's 7:54. You've got plenty of time!

Drunk teen: You know, hipsters would be more successful as a movement if they had a purpose.
Girl: I like to call the guys I've fucked by their jobs: The Cowboy, The Olympian, The Firefighter, The Soldier. Maybe tonight I can add The Hipster. They don't have careers, do they?
Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm like 3 hipsters deep right now.
Girl: I see these hipster girls and they're in those little skirts with the high heels, and they're on their bikes. I'm like, what are you doing? I hope you get hit by a car.

Woman: I can't believe it. I just can't believe I'm being charged in connection with this crime. I mean the one--she's the one who committed manslaughter.
Cashier girl: You know, we haven't gotten robbed in a while. I can't believe it!
Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!
Dude: I'm just glad to be off the FBI's Most Wanted list.
Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy...I had to call him back after I read that...But at least he's not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.
20-Something guy: It wouldn't look good on your job application if you got arrested.
Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it's not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It's about you taking that nice woman's wallet.

Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a ! I keep seeing her and wantin' to ask, "Yo, how's the dragon?"
Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?...Yo, I you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn.
Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its Tooth Fairy.
Hipster on cell: It's cooler, and you're a vampire. Ok, I it.

Younger woman: Have you seen any of the Chihuly glass?
Elderly woman: Yes, it looks like penises with diseases!

Midwestern child: Daddy, what's that candle thing?
Midwestern father: It's called a menorah. They use it on Jewish Christmas.

Idealist: I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl who will make omelets and won't sleep with my friends.

Mom: You had a cute nickname in college, right, honey?
Girl: No, mom.
Mom: What was it again?
Girl: Hoover.
Mom: So, why is that so bad?
Girl: Because it had to do with my suction power, not my vacuums.

Woman: Man, don't you fucking fall on me!
Queer: I didn't on you. [under his breath] Idiot.
Woman: You the fuckin' idiot, fuckin' idiot
Big guy: You see that? You see how quickly that escalated? All because of courtesy. That guy couldn't even apologize.
Queer: I didn't fall on her; she's just being
Woman: You a fuckin' retard
Big guy: I love this city.

Mandy Moore: So, what's the plan for the party?
Publicist: So, I was thinking, you show up at the party, right? And they check your name or whatever, and then, get this, a escorts you to your table.
Mandy Moore: A clown?
Publicist: I know, right?

Drunk ex-girlfriend: So what did you tell your friends you were doing tonight?
Frat boy: Going to the Mets game.
Drunk ex-girlfriend: No, really. What did they say?
Frat guy: "Hey, Dave*, what are you doing tonight?" "Going to the Mets game." "With who?" "My ex." "She hot?" "I'd do her again, for sure."
Drunk ex-girlfriend: Oh, that's so nice.

Hobo: Young man, do you have any change to spare?
Guy: No, sorry.
Hobo: How about a $100 bill then?

Girl #1: Dammit, they're putting one of the wheelchair people on the bus!
Girl #2: Fuck, man...You know, they should just put a handle on the back of the bus.
Girl #1: Yeah, that could be fun for them!

Technophile: Is that, like, a virtual reality machine?!
Empiricist: Um, I think it's a tanning booth.

Man to wife: ...and I said, "What are you: a crackhead?!"
Young daughter: What's a crackhead, Daddy?
Man: It's someone that slipped and cracked their head. Strung-out hobo walks by, asking for change.
Man: See, honey. He's a crackhead.

Mother with little girl: Excuse me. My daughter wants to know if you're a pirate.
Woman wearing bandana: No. I'm just a lesbian.

Girl: ...and when he came back, it looked like he had herpes! Herpes everywhere!
Queer: And you still hit that?
Girl: Well, it like he did, but it was dark and I wasn't sure.

Mother: We need to find Sound of Music for your brother.
Child: No! I want to watch Star Wars
Mother: You can watch this. It has Nazis!--Kim's Video, Morningside Heights

Caribbean woman #1: ...and so I tol' him, "You betta take your balls, put them in your hand, and do ya job."
Caribbean woman #2: Mmm hmm.

Little girl: Daddy, how many stops are on this train?
Dad: Just one. It goes back and forth, back and forth all day.
Little girl: No it doesn't.
Dad: Would I lie?
Little girl: Sometimes you do.

Girl: Am I ugly?
Boy: Animal-human hybrids should be slaughtered.
Girl: What?
Boy: Nothing, sweetie.
Girl: Oh. For a second I thought you were being mean or something.

Older woman: I think I should wash my secondary pair of underwear when we get home.
Older guy: I think that's a good idea!

Drunken hipster, being carried by her friends: I'm a model. Not a train wreck. A

Guy: Well, it's about what we think would happen if there was a Starbucks in the land of Oz.
Girl:

Hobo: Attention, attention! I'm playing this saxophone to raise money for my spaceship! Plays a horrible rendition of "Pop Goes the Weasel."
Hobo: I'm going into space, and I'm taking George Bush with me!

Guy on cell: Hello?...What do you mean you have bad news?...You're pregnant? How could you be pregnant?...I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!...I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July...This is really bad news...How long have you known?...A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?...Your sister is going to go through the roof...No, she doesn't come back until Monday...So, I'll see you tonight?...I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can't be pregnant...Okay, have a good afternoon. He makes another call.
Guy on cell: Hey...You know Claire*?...Yeah, Lauren's* sister...Yeah, the hot one...Well, she's pregnant...

Black customer: Hey, let me get that one. [Points at menu]
Black employee: Which one?
Black customer: That one. [Points again]
Black employee: Do you mean the smokehouse beef brisket?
Black customer: Yeah, the one in the picture.
Black employee, sighing: Black people!
Black customer: What? I'm not black. I'm Spanish!
Black employee: No you're not. Prove it. Say something in Spanish.
Black customer: Como estas?
Black employee: See, you're not Spanish.
Black customer: My name is Spanish.

Mom: We gotta figure out where the hell we're going.
Child: Maybe you should ask a police officer or a security guard.
Mom: I'm not asking them anything. They don't know shit. Learn that in life: never ask anyone anything 'cause they don't know nothing.

Hobette: Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry...Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry...Can you spare any food? I'm very hungry.
Passenger: The Homeless Coalition man is one car ahead and is offering food.
Hobette: I'll buy my own food. I don't need no charity!

Conductor: We're going to be held at this station shortly.
Woman, yelling: What do you mean we're gonna be held in the station shortly?!
Conductor: ! I said we're gonna be held here shortly!

Little girl, watching one dog hump another: Mommy, you missed it! One of the dogs was giving the other one a piggyback ride!

Blonde: She's very chesty. Let me just say, I've seen her with no clothes on many times, and she has like the biggest tits I've ever seen. Seriously.
Boyfriend: Can you draw me a picture?
Brunette: I can't believe you just told him that!
Blonde: What? Hell, I talk like that about all my friends.
Brunette: God, what do you say about me?
Blonde: That you have some of the smallest tits I've ever seen.
Brunette: These aren't small!

Woman: Seriously, I need to get out of there. I can't take it anymore. I need them to fire me so I can go to lunch.

Girl #1: Oh my God! You live in the middle of nowhere!
Girl #2: Honey, on no one's map is Greenwich Village considered the middle of nowhere.
Girl #1: Whatever, it's really far from the Upper East Side.

Little girl #1: Hey, Sarah, want a cookie?
Little girl #2: Yeah.
Little girl #1: Well, me too. Now get over it

Budding exhibitionist #1: I have to pee.
Budding exhibitionist #2: Just pee in your pants; you're on JetBlue.

Girl: Oh, I have to buy new whitening strips.
Boy: How come?
Girl: Well, with that storm last night, the wind must've blown everything on top of the toilet into the toilet. And I had to pee in the middle of the night, and it was dark. I thought it was a head in the toilet. But I turned on the light, and it was just my whitening strips.
Boy: Why would you turn the light on if you thought there was a head in the toilet?
Girl: I needed to know if it was a head. I wasn't just gonna pee on someone's face.

Guy #1: Don't you hate when you are sitting on a toilet and need to spit, so you try to aim your spit in between your legs into the water, but you miss and get it all over your dick?
Guy #2: No, I never miss.

Suit on cell: If he doesn't get me the fucking money, I'll kill that bitch!
Hobo: How about you give me some money, and I'll kill that bitch?

Girl: People always label me. They don't take the time to get to know me. I'm the "Really, Really Nice Girl That's Always Happy. With a Great Smile."
Hipster girl, to hipster guy: Does smiling hurt you? It hurts you to smile?
Singing hobos, in unison: Smile, it won't mess up your hair!
10-Year-Old girl: His smile haunts me.
Tourist dad, posing his family in front of WTC site: Smile, kids!
Compassionate guy: Nothing warms my heart more than a smiling retard.

Thug, to his friend: Yo, there are mad bitches in this hood. Why you eyeballin' me?
Dude: I can't believe that sausage fest! There were no females up in that bitch!
Lady: You know what the difference between her and Lonny is? She's nice, and Lonny's a bitch.
B&T boyfriend, calling angrily out the window of his car: Bitch, I love you!
Man to old blind lady: Watch where you're going, bitch!
Guy, laughing at friend who dropped his coffee: That's gravity, bitch!
Queer on cell: Oh my God, she, like, worships me...Yeah, I know, I'm totally the best thing that ever happend to her...Oh, no, I can't stand her. She's a total skanky bitch, bitch, !

Brooklyn guy: All I'm sayin' is it goes without sayin'.
Hoochie on cell: I don't want that. I'm looking for sauce. Sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce ! S-A-U-S-C-E. Sauce!
Teen girl: Do you think Christmas will ever be on Friday the 13th?
Woman in elevator: She said 13...Where's 13? What the... fuck? There's no 13. Should I press 12? Or 14? What?...She said 13. Well I'll just press both.
Elderly woman, regarding painting: Would you look at the detail he put into this. It almost looks two dimensional.
Tween boy: Did the dinosaurs come before or after Bible times?

Woman, to her panting dog: It is so not hot out. Stop faking it.
Woman, to her dog: Look, honey, a fire truck. Yes, dear, ? It's a fire truck.
Businesswoman, to two kids sitting in front of her: I have a very tiny dog that I can fit in my bag. Isn't that silly? She's at home sleeping right now. She gets to sleep and I have to go to work. Isn't that silly?...I'll tell her you said, "Hi."
Woman, to her dog: Come on now, mister, one of us is going to pee or poo, and I have a feeling it's not going to be me.
Girl, to her sitting dog: Can I get you anything? TV? Cold soda? Foot rub?

One mom to another, amidst a gaggle of small children: Tyson's mommy has the best pot.
Ghetto woman with two young children: I need a joint.
Chick: Girl, I cannot living with my mom. She has this need to always be in my business. I come home from shopping, she wants to know what I bought. I mean, the other night, she was trying to tell how to roll my weed! She was like, "You're not doing it right." Ugh! I'm like, "Mom, you started doing this. Shut up, okay?"
Drunk guy: You can't use pot! Aren't you on an Atkins diet or somethin'?
Future politician: My friend smokes weed, but he doesn't do drugs.
Yuppie woman: Whatever, it was just the smoking-pot equivalent of a cult.
Hippie: Before you partake, you got to thank God for your marijuana.

Girl: I want a Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't care if it's made of baby cow!
Guy, explaining his pants: Yeah, they look gay, but they make my junk look huge.
Man picking up trash to woman picking up trash: How you gonna make ten dollars an hour and have people making minimum wage looking better than you?
Shopaholic: I know! One time I thought there was more to life than that. But then I went back to Bloomingdale's.
Teenage girl on phone: So where are you?...So,what happened?... Not to your shoe! In the hospital !
Cougar-in-Training, looking at non-trendy partygoers: Clearly they don't belong here.

Biker lady: You think I have syphilis? Hah!
Girl on cell: I know! She was, like, so defensive about it! Like, "So he impregnated me; at least I didn't get herpes." I was like, "Honey, is that really a fair trade?"
Ghetto teen: You know, like 90 percent of all people have herpes. That's like 1 in every 3 people.
Girl: I know, when I first got chlamydia, I didn't know who to turn to. Luckily I got it from my doctor.
Old lady, during a Clerks II scene dealing with "ass to mouth," to old man: That's how you get E. coli!
Queer on cell: I'm not saying he's a nasty faggot. I'm just saying he has HIV.
Guy on cell: So I went to Amsterdam and got a handjob from a hooker, and I thought I had HIV for, like, two years...Yeah, I'm a pretty weird guy.

Girl: This has sterile in it. I can't buy this; I'm allergic to sterile.
American woman, to Arab cashier: What, you didn't understand what I said? Man, you illiterate.
Chick: I mean, I wasn't really mentally thinking about it.
Frat boy: Why do they call it "Steak Shack" when it doesn't sell steaks?
Drunk teen girl, raising her beer: Here's to independence...and the only country that's got it!
Teen girl: Rebecca wanted to get brown. But brown is such a black color...Well, not that it's black. But you know.
Young guy to his girlfriend: Shut your fuckin' mouth when you're talking to me!

Thug: Yo, money don't grow on trees and come out your ass.
Old woman on cell: I came to New York to see you. Now get your fucking ass down here right now !
Junior high kid: Well you try shoving a tampon up a dog's ass.
Girl: It's so hot in here I feel like I'm swimming through the swamp that is someone's ass.
Suit on cell: I will not be disrespected like this. I ain't gonna be disrespected! I'm a grown ass man, damnit!
Guy, after being yelled at by the driver who has rammed his car: Look, just calm down. Let me explain something: you're an asshole, all right?
Thug on cell: He get his ass whupped one time, he won't testify. Plus, he all short, like 5'9" or 5'10", and carry all that weight. I whup his ass, we won't have no more problems.

Proselytizer: You've got to make sure you're reading the King James Bible. God uses the other ones for conversion, but they're ten percent less effective.
Mom: Look, this one's from Jordan and Israel. That's where Jesus is from!
Woman: I'm gonna give him a holy bath and all kinds of things.
Pamphlet lady: That's why you've got no power! Where's the mayor? He's not Jesus! He's not coming to save you!
Soccer mom: ...and then he asked if he could go to church with Grandma, and I said, "Well, I don't think so, Ryan*. Daddy's had to yell at you all night and spank you twice, and only good boys get to go to church."
Hobo: The Holy Spirit will whup yo' ass!
Young passerby, to old man entering church: Good luck!

Bus driver: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea: the next stop is going to be Las Vegas! Vegas, y'all! Get out those cell phones and start calling your husbands and wives. Tell 'em you won't be home tonight. Vegas!
Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus...Come on, people. I'm speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There's nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It's not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won't get hurt. So please move back.
Bus driver: This is Westchester Ave. Here you can transfer to the 9 and the...uh...I don't even remember. Hey, you back there! You look like Charles Bronson! You ever heard that?...Whateva. You know you look like Charles Bronson. And the world needs another Charles Bronson.

Man on crowded train: If my mother were here, I'd sit on her lap.
Amateur anthropologist: It's not incest unless it's, like, your .
Mom, to teenage son: Darling, sweetie, love of my life, I've accepted that you're gay, haven't I? And there's a lot more that I'm willing to accept. But if there is one thing I'm not ok with, it's flat-ironing my son's hair. Ask your sister.
Woman on cell: You did what?...Why the fuck would you do that?...Yeah, I know he's your cousin, but you didn't have to tell him that I slept with his brother. I was going to tell him...When?...After we got married!!
Girl, digging through purse: Shit, I think my cousin robbed me.
Screaming woman: I'm not in your house; I'm in the middle of the street! Stop making fun of my grandmother!
Girl on cell: I don't look at him like a father; I look at him like the man who gave birth to me.

Queer #1: Ooh, let's see this one!
Queer #2: I already saw that earlier this week.
Queer #1: What?! Dude, I hate that. This is just like you masturbating instead of having sex with me.

Teenage girl #1: So I was like, "What you goin' fuckin' do about it?"
Teenage girl #2: And...What'd he say?
Teenage girl #1: Motherfucker was like, "I'll take you by Planned Parenthood in the mornin'. You need to get some after-shit." I looked at him like, "What, motherfucker?!" That ain't no 7-11 type o' shit. I don't want a fuckin' hot dog. I wanna not be pregnant with your bitch ass kid.
Teenage girl #2: What'd he say?
Teenage girl #1: Nothin'. Bitch better keep his mouth shut.

Lady: Hey, how do I get to Court Street?
Hobo: Two blocks that way...See, we're not all that bad. You got any change?
Lady: No, I know. Shut up. I'm a social worker.

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm at the Diesel party. Everything's free. Just come and say you're one of the Chapin sisters; they never showed up...What you mean? Just go to the door guy and say, "Hi, I'm one of the Chapin sisters."...I don't know their first names! Just say you're a Chapin sister!

Woman: is why I don't ride this train. Now help me figure out how to get back to Harlem where it's safe.

Crazy lady: Hooray! Jewish people!
Guy Wearing "Israeli Defense Force" t-shirt: Actually, I'm Catholic.

9-year-old girl: Mommy, please can we leave? This doesn't even make any sense! It's stupid.
Mommy: Sweetie, it's not supposed to make sense. It's senseless art. They're making fun of real art.

Long Island girl #1: Yeah, I totally thought that he was into the whole making me cum first thing.
Long Island girl #2: What happened?
Long Island girl #1: I bought "Her Pleasure" condoms, and he threw a hissy fit.

Portly dude in Rangers jersey: I'm the best thing to ever happen to Amish country.

Black woman #1: I love crab legs. I'ma go home tonight and cook mad crab legs and suck the meat out.
Black woman #2: Fuck dat, I'ma go to Coney Island, get some clams. Put some hot sauce and some butter on that shits. Go home and get freaky with my old man. Shellfish get me mad horny.

Guy #1: I mean, what's PDA about the back of a cab?
Guy #2: Well...
Guy #1: The cab driver? Give me a break--he doesn't count. There's no place better to make out in than the back of a cab.

Little girl: Mommy, I'm hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river.--Ferry to Ellis Island

Mother: What's the death stare for?
Pouty teen girl: I'm waiting for someone to piss me off so I can intimidate them.

Shiksa, to Jewish friend wearing a chai necklace: What exactly is your necklace? I'm trying to decide if it's an elephant or someone bending over.

Bartender: Yeah, I like to tell people I'm a rapist.
Patron chick: A rapist? Why?
Bartender: Well, just statutory rape.
Patron chick: Yeah, there's no such thing as bad statutory rape.

Comedy show ticket hawker: Hey, come to a comedy show. It will be fun! C'mon!
Gary Gulman: Dude, I'm Gary Gulman!

Bartender: Yeah, I know him, he's a professor of social studies at Columbia.
Middle-Aged woman: That's my school! I think it's so great that he's a social worker.
Bartender: Um, he's a professor of social studies.
Middle-Aged woman: Right, a social worker.
Bartender: No, he's a professor of social studies. That doesn't make him a social worker.
Middle-Aged woman: No?

Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.

Older wife: How did you get these seats?
Older husband: I had to pinch her titties.
Older wife: That must have been fun.
Older husband: As a matter of fact, it was.

Black teen hipster #1: Why are there so many white people on the 2 train this late at night?
Black teen hipster #2: Please. All these white people are getting off at 96th Street. Train stops at 96th. The white people leave the train.
Black Teen Hipster #2: Watch 'em all scamper away!

Customer: Do you have The Picture of Dorian Gray
Employee: What is that?

Woman: This book I'm reading says that string theory could verify how the world began!
Guy: Hello! We know how the world began. I've got a book you should borrow; it's called the Bible.

Altar boy #1: Plants are asexual since they do it with themselves and then spawn.
Altar boy #2: Like Mother Mary?

RA: No sex in the dorms after curfew!
Girl #1: But what about lesbian sex?
RA: Well, that's okay, but not in the common room. Unless everyone's involved. Then it's okay.
Girl #2: And clean up after yourselves!

Girl #1: So I think I saw a picture of this guy I know from class in the other day. He was describing how he once cheated on his girlfriend.
Girl #2: No way! That guy has some balls, huh?
Girl #1: Huh? I don't know. It was a picure of his face.

Woman: Aren't your feet hot on the pavement?
Little barefoot boy: Yeah, but that's okay. The ground is really hot, too.

Intern: Have you ever been to Disney World?
Employee: Yes, when I was 8. It was when I had my first cigarette.

Dentist: You don't have any allergies, do you?
Patient: Penicillin.
Dentist: But no latex allergies or anything like that?
Patient: No! Oh my God, ! Wow. That would be totally horrible and depressing.
Dentist: Why, are you a med student or something?
Patient: ...No.

Guy #1: I hear if you pee on that third rail thing it will kill you.
Guy #2: Really? Let's give it a shot! Guy #2 pees over the side, hitting the third rail.
Guy #2: Fuckin' bullshit, man! That shit doesn't even work!

Hipster boy #1: I've decided to start a blog.
Hipster boy #2: It's about time!
Hipster boy #1: I know. And I'm not doing it because of the peer pressure. It's just for me.

Goth smoker: What kind of cigarette brand is that?
Vegan smoker: They're the only vegan cigarettes that exist.
Goth smoker: Cigarettes aren't vegan?
Vegan smoker: Well, these aren't tested on animals.
Goth smoker: So they're tested on humans then?
Vegan smoker: Um...

Suit #1: I get turned on when the person I'm with is enjoying herself and I'm giving pleasure.
Suit #2: That's the difference between you and a necrophiliac.

20-Something dude #1: Do you still use "lol" online?
20-Something dude #2: Nah, I use "omg" instead.

Girl #1, showing Girl #2 a website: Look at how beautiful this place is; it's in Rhode Island.
Girl #2: I love Rhode Island. I used to go there a lot.
Girl #3: Yuck, why would you go to Rhode Island? That's where that mental institution is. Why would you want to go there?
Girl #2: No, Rhode Island is a state in our country. You mean Roosevelt Island, and that institution has been closed for, like, ever.

Girl #1: Yeah, there's fucking nothing worse than seeing your parents have sex.
Girl #2: Your grandparents having sex, dude.
Girl #1: Or, like, two really, really fat people.

Guy #1: Did you know that scientists say that sperm smells?
Guy #2: Do you mean that sperm can smell its way to the pussy or that sperm just smells in general?

Loud girl, about some smelly hipsters: Damn, them muthafuckas is stank. The power of Christ compel that shit.
Guy near street vendor: Dude, that smell. It always smells like mouse or something.
Thug teen, to friend who has just farted: Damn, nigga! Yo' shit smells like hot dog water!
Shrewd observer: She just looks like she would smell bad.
Ghetto woman on cell: Girl, I she would smell like fish the second I saw her!

Metro-North conductor: If you have been on your cell phone more than 5 minutes, you are not only annoying all of the passengers around you, but have also probably started to annoy the person on the other end of the call, so hang up.
Guy on cell: I'm only calling because I have to walk ten blocks, and I can't stand to be alone with my own thoughts.
Queer: I could respect someone with that ring tone!

Stranger, to young business woman: Can I spank you?
Gay co-worker, to female employee: Put your hands on the desk and assume the position.
Girl: If I have to, I'll pull down my pants and spank myself.
Woman on cell: I mean, he's my kid, and everyone is curious, and if he's going to experiment let him. But I told this guy, "You cannot be the experiment with my son!"...I know, he thinks he's going to grow up to be a rapist!
Queer: Then we went underneath the staircase and fooled around. And then he grabbed my head, pulled it down, and licked my bald spot!
Tween girl: Aww, no, he did just pee on me!
Man on cell: Natalie? Nat, if you're there, pick up! Oh my God, I just hooked up with a guy whose house smelled like cat pee, and he wanted me to spit in his face! Where the fuck are you?
Queer: What? not the one who had sex with the chicken cutlet.
Twink on cell: We met on the train...No, he's a bottom...I don't think I can have this conversation here right now. You're making me feel awkward.
British girl on cell: Hmm, there's no answer. She must be whipping now.
Pregnant girl: I like it when he hits me. You know, I hit him just so he could hit me back. I like it rough.
Chick on cell: She just told me a story about someone waking up with a dildo in her mouth. You need to meet this girl!
Customer to waitress: And then you have bestiality with a man and a sheep, and the sheep is the clear victim...
Brunette: What would make you think that I would like getting hit in the face with your cock?

Older man, screaming at Middle Eastern booth operator: You playa hata! You uptight and ignorant! This is bullshit! Go back to Leban!
Frat boy: You need to go south of the Mason Dickinson line. That's where you find the really hot girls.
Thug: I don't understand the Middle East shit. How can you be in the east and still be in the middle?!
Lady: I heard it was going to be a big thunderstorm out on Long Island. You know, just the Hamptons, Montauk and Connecticut.
Southern woman: Yeah, come meet us! We're on Long Island!
Mexican girl: Most European countries make you join the army at 18. Colombia, Peru...
Overhead by: Lindsay
Teen tourist: If I was in America, I would send this back.
Bus driver: I gotta get out of this country. It's too damn hot. I'm going to Alaska.

Teen girl: Wow! I just realized I haven't been online all day!
Middle-aged woman: 50% of the population is allergic to wheat. They just don't know it. It's true-- I read it on the internet.
Guy: You should start a fight with her on MySpace.
Guy: I'm pretty sure my cat has Down's syndrome...You can read about it on my MySpace blog.
Thug: MySpace is like crack, yo. I'm addicted to that shit.
Girl: Google is, like, totally taking over the world!
Girl on cell: We need, like, a slutty web-designer friend we can bring in on this.
Scruffy dude: I should just bring her a bunch of photos of my ex-girlfriend and slam them down and be like, "Find one, just of these, that you're hotter than." I can't believe she wouldn't give me her e-mail address. She must be out of her mind. I mean, just give me a fake one. Like, something at hotmail.com. Anything!
Guy wearing t-shirt that says "You are so off my buddy list": So I am thinking about creating another website that's Jedi-friendly.

Guy: Hey! Where's my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?
Guy on cell: I'll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing...Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.
Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula's native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.
Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.
Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?
Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.
Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he's Mexican by his eyes!
White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?
Businesswoman: Well you can't kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.
Hobo: You're not Polish; you just you're Polish!
Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.
Sassy chick: I can't believe she's moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she's only known for two months !

Girl: It smells like blasphemy!
Tattooed chick: It's Christa. You remember, Christ with an A, because I'm so fucking godlike.
Guy: She looks like the female version of Dave, which is a bit disconcerting to me...He looks like traditional representations of Jesus.
Guy: Me and Jesus don't get along.
Femme on cell: So, like, our periods stopped at the same time for two hours so we could have sex and I was like, God loves me. Jesus was clearly gay.
Middle-Aged lady: Yeah, you can't go switchin' churches like that. That's too many different spirits. You'll be dealin' with demons and stuff.
College guy: No, really, dude. The guy's a full-time, licensed exorcist!
Muscular dude: I am devoted to crack but not to Christ! Please explain that to me. I'm a good crackhead, but I ain't a good Christian!
Street vendor: NYU students, you gotta love them. They be going through hell and jumping out of windows and shit.

White girl on cell: Wait, you're watching BET? Well, do you feel black and/or entertained?
Black guy: So you see, white bitches just don't understand that I have a big ass penis.
Teenage black girl: See those buildings over there? That's where I stay. Yeah, it's nice and shit. I like it. Too many white people moved in, though. That's why I'm KKK...Krazy Kracker Killa!
Black guy to white girl: You'd better not stay in the rain too long; sugar melts!
JAP: It's not like I don't like his parties, I just don't fit in. Hello! I'm white!
Black guy: Well I have black friends, but they just don't understand. You know what I'm sayin'? Certain races, dog.
Ghetto girl: What was these two white bitches doing in Harlem at 2:30 in the morning? You know how white they was? They so white they names was Ashley and Haley. That's how white they was!
Midwestern tourist points to a black guy and says, to his tween daughter: You see that guy over there? You see how he's a different color than you? You see that sometimes in big cities.
Black girl to black friend: Yo, man, you're acting like a black person.
Juicer: Oh, shit! We got customers in the store! We gotta stop acting so black!
Frustrated woman, who has been trying in vain to hail a cab: What am I, black?
Black girl to black friend: We never gonna get a cab unless we start hangin' with some white folks.
Teenage girl: But Bob Dylan is Jewish. That's kind of black.
Black girl: Why we gotta be black all the time? Why can't we be white for two minutes?
JAP: I being white!
White teen girl: Now I know what it feels like to be a minority.
White woman to black woman: I feel like I understand the black struggle because I feel I was black in a past life.
Thug on cell: Black people like catfish also, nigga!
Ghetto girl at crosswalk: Ooh, lil' white man tells me to walk, so I'm walkin'!

Suit: You know how some people wing it? Well I wanged it. I totally wanged it.
Asian guy: It seems like everyone is giving headjobs these days.
Female nurse: I'm telling you, he is totally intercontinental. I have to change him 4 times a day.
Wordsmith, on the phone: Ma'am, her train is being delayed because of constipation.
Teen on cell: He's not very smart...Yeah, I just need someone to conversate with.
College guy: The word "secretion" just fucks me up.
10-Year-Old boy: I ain't speakin' no language.
Tourist: Sexual attention is the only language I really understand.
Woman: The lesbians don't like the Jews...I mean the .
Girl: Stop staring at all the buildings, you look like a terrorist!...I mean tourist. Same thing.
Girl: Oh, my shoes totally fell asleep...Fell asleep? Fell !

Man, to old woman pouring paint thinner into the sewer: You know, you'll kill the alligators like that.
Methodone lover: I told him, "If you do that again, I'm gonna sic the alligators on you!"
Tourist, kneeling in front of a giant stone head: Help me, Olmec! Where is the shrine of the silver monkey?
Chelsea boy: Yeah...My God, the boys there were so hot ! Their asses were all tight and round...Mmm...like a Chihuahua's.
5-Year-Old boy, passing the smelly horse carriages on Central Park South: Eww, are there camels around here?
Old man, passing bear sculpture: Bears eat too much.
MTA hardhat: Yeah, for lunch I'll have either the rat on a stick or the pigeon on a stick.
Guy on cell: I just saw a pigeon, and it reminded me of you.
Commuter: Oh, I've been into manatees.
Woman, to child: That's why imagination is really nice. You can imagine that cat you have always wanted, and it's almost like having him for real...even though you never will.
Animal lover: I never used to like cats. But then I had this dream where this cat, like, told me, "I love you," so I got a cat.
Bus rider: My son's frog jumped up there, and now I can't take a poop.
Suit: No, no, it's a woman with a donkey, not two donkeys! Jesus.
Non-Ghetto woman on cell: That's nigga's crazier than a road lizard!
Picky girl: You won't believe the pick up line he used. He actually said, "I want to be your beast."

Keen observer: That woman's not pregnant; she's just real old.
Woman holding baby: You don't understand why I'm upset when, after I deliver your 10-pound baby, you take another woman to a wine bar?
Woman: Being pregnant is like slowly drinking a bottle of ipecac.
Five year old: This baby stuff is boring!
Douchebag: I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face...Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!
Hipster: I don't care about getting married. I just want to get pregnant so I can see my gynecologist more often.

Man: I can't leave my door unlocked in the Barrio. Someone might sneak in and steal all my spices.
Man on cell: Now why the fuck would you go and eat my ravioli? Dat's !
Black tween girl: And that nigga bitch Rihanna thinks she can do ballet? Shit! I can do ballet. The only thing I ever seen that nigga do right is eat fried chicken.
Woman: I mean, I would have loved rice. We would have loved rice.
Chick: The other day I ate a hot dog, and it had a bone in it. I don't know what animal they make hot dogs out of, but I'm pretty sure they don't have bones.
Girl: Food is like candy.
Shrewd observer: He is either in the Army or chews a lot of gum.
Lady: There ain't no way I'm standing in front of a stove all day making tuna salad. It's fucking hot!
Queer: Oh my God, cottage cheese is albino diarrhea.
Man to child in stroller: What do you want? You want money? Do you want money or a bagel?
Chick on cell: ...No, not years of porn, ears of corn ! , like you eat!
Passionate woman: I just love egg white! It's like painting to me! The texture, the smell...
Pringles lover: Yeah, he's, like, all that the bag of chips.
Big black dude: So tell me, how much would it cost to get a jar of mayonnaise, outta state?

Woman #1: He likes to take the kids camping every summer.
Woman #2: I never would have thought he'd enjoy all that outdoorsy stuff.
Woman #1: Well, he's very non-Jewish.

Girl #1: Ever hear of that show South of Nowhere about, like, 2 girls who fall in love with each other in LA? It's really good.
Girl #2: Wait...what does that have to do with my story about me punching my sister in the face?

Denial: This kind of fits. It's a little tight here, you see?
Reason: Yeah, it kinda makes you look pregnant. Maybe get the next size up?
Denial: Fuck you. I am buying a size 10.
Reason: No one will know; it's just a number on the inside of the dress.
Denial: No, seriously, fuck you. I don't believe this. Let's just go to Subway. I am

Ghetto teen reveals bottle of liquor stashed in plastic bag.
Ghetto teen #1: Yo, that shit burns your esophagus, but it tastes so good.
Ghetto teen #2: Nah, son, alcohol burns your liver.
Ghetto teen #1: No! Your esophagus!
Ghetto teen #2: No, your liver...Wait, is esophagus another word for liver?

Little girl, pointing to an ad depicting peanut butter and banana on: What is that?
Mother, looking at the ad for a moment: It's sushi.
Little girl: What's sushi?
Mother: It's Chinese food...You wouldn't like it.--Downtown B train

Bus driver stops in the middle of the street to pick up a friend. A second, random guy hurries on the bus as well.
Bus driver, to random guy: Yo, this ain't no bus stop.
Random guy: Oh, I saw you pick up, so...
Bus driver: Yeah, well I know him.
Random guy: Hi, I'm Dan.

Disillusioned guy: Yeah, man, he kicked the shit out of Santa Claus just last week, and I was shocked 'cause I thought Santa was psychic. --K-Mart, 34th St

Girl #1: It's so weird that I used to do online dating. I guess I felt like, because it was Nerve.com, it was okay, because Nerve is for the sex crazed.
Girl #2: How many people did you sleep with?
Girl #1: Eight.
Girl #2: Wait a second-- do you really like sex?
Girl #1: No, not really.
Girl #2: Good, me neither.

Teenage girl #1: Then he was kissing my forehead a lot after we hooked up so I told everyone there he was gay.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, that is really gay.

Wistful girl: I was thinking about that guy I used to hook up with all the time, and it really makes me sad for what I'm missing.
Practical girl: What, AIDS?

Technophobic lady: There was some crazy lady talking to herself in the bank.
Tech-Savvy lady: Are you sure? Did she have a Bluetooth?
Technophobic lady: I don't think she had any teeth.

Old husband: Why don't we have sex anymore?
Old wife: I do. You don't. You sleep.

Girl: I think I might be allergic to the metal in the needle, so is there any sort of numbing gel or something you could use?
Punk rock employee: Yeah. I could hit you over the head with a fucking rock.

Girl in lacy red tank top, black bra and low-cut pants, with a lower-back tattoo, on cell: So I had an 8:45 meeting with a congressman today that I totally forgot about. It's like 8:50!

Belligerent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be trying!
Belligerent white woman: You should speak gramatically correctly!
Smartass: "I be trying" isn't ungrammatical. It's standard usage in African-American vernacular English.
Belligerent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smartass: I have a Ph.D. in linguistics from MIT.

School bus driver: He think he the best driver around. Then I reminded him, he the one that hit that little girl.

Eco-Friendly ghetto girl: You saw Incovenient Truth ? We gonna be underwater in, like, 50 years.
Laconic ghetto girl: Word?
Eco-Friendly ghetto girl: Yeah, we gonna be fish one day.

Little boy: I wanna get
Mom: Shhh!

Teenage girl #1: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you! I lost my fake ID!
Teenage girl #2: Shit! Your mom's gonna kill you!

8-year-old tourist-in-training, looking at transsexual: Do people in New York all look like that?
Mother: No, not all, but most of them don't look like they did in Kansas.

Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn't afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn't afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]

Female future-voter #1: Saddam should be tortured and cut up into pieces instead of being in jail comfortably.
Female future-voter #2: Wait, didn't Saddam die of cancer a little while ago?
Female future-voter #1: Oh my God, did he? Are you sure?!
Female future-voter #2: I was sure, but now I'm not so sure.
Female future-voter #1: You know who else died recently? Aaron Spelling!
Female future-voter #2: No way!

Little boy: You can't tell.
Mom: Yes, you can sense it. It's called gaydar.

Fireman, telling a story about a female fire fighter: She's one tough woman.
Retired cop: All firemen are tough women.--Bar, Staten Island

Boy genius #1: What birds can't fly?
Boy genius #2: Polar bears.
Boy genius #1: No, polar bears can fly.

Guy: He was like, "My girlfriend gained all this weight, and that's why I left her," and all of the girls were like, "Gasp! You monster!" And then he was like, "But it was, like, 95 pounds!" and all of the girls were like, "Gasp! Eww! Gross!"

Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I'd rather be pole dancing.
Girl: I mean, I'm a stripper, but that don't mean I'm a ho.
Guy on cell: I don't get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don't want a fucking stripper on my lap while I'm eating steak. I've got a knife.
Black girl: 'Fo real, she makes all that money dancin', and she can't even herself get a weave?

Girl: Every time I fart, more blood comes out.
Guy on cell: The blood bank's coming and they want me to give blood...Naw, I'm like, "I'll give blood for Yankee tickets." I've done enough for good causes. You know, I gotta hold on to that shit. That's my , man.
Jerseyite: Wait, mosquitoes suck blood?
Girl, to guy singing loudly: Shut up, before I take my bloody pad off and smear it on your face! Times seven!

Brit lady, to MTA booth lady: Two adults, please. We'll be getting off around 58th Street.
Tourist: Excuse me, does the F train stop here?
Tourist woman, loudly: Jeany? How many stops are we going on this train?
Tourist: Excuse me, which way is it to Upper Town?
Tourist: Is this now the Grand Canyon of the East Coast?
Tourist: My plane doesn't leave for 4 hours. Can I walk to the Statue of Liberty from here?
Tourist, leading a group of more than a dozen fellow tourists: Okay, I... um...don't know where we are now...Oh, wait! Yes I do! We're at the South Street Seaport!
Blonde: Look, there's the Chrysler. Look, there's Times Square. Where's the Empire State Building?
Tourist, to deck hand: I can't see the Statue of Liberty. Would you please move the lifeboat out of the way while I take a picture?

Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable...Yeah, it's all in Chinese...Whatever. As long as I watch things that I've already seen, I don't need to actually what they're saying.
Queer, on cell: Have you seen Victoria's boyfriend lately? He looks great. She's better than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Mother, to kids: Sorry we just missed the fireworks, guys. It's okay, though. I TiVoed it at home just in case.
Tourist, after eagerly struggling for camera air-time: You know what, Ma, I don't think we're gonna be able to watch this -- it only airs today.
Girl: Well, today they had a woman who was born a man who married a man who was born a woman, so don't shit on Maury Povich!
Guy: Sweet Sixteen ? That show makes me understand terrorism.

Tourist girl: Oh my God! That bum, his balls are showing! I'll give you twenty bucks if you go up to him and say, "Excuse me, sir, but your balls are hanging out."
Guy: Yeah, there is this great picture of me taken a while ago. I am sitting on the couch with just my boxers on and I am all ripped and I look really good except no one pays attention to how good I look because you can see my nut sack is hanging out.

Girl on cell: I was like, "Back up, bitch. Get off your high horse and don't ever talk to me again." Such a bitch. And the thing is, she's not even cute. Like, she has no right! She's a fucking bitch, and she's ugly! It's one thing to be a bitch, but to be one when you're ugly? You just don't do that.
Aspiring fashionista: I don't know what I'd do if I had a kid and it was ugly. I'd probably die of embarassment or something. Maybe I should adopt. Can you, like, ask the adoption people to give you a good-looking child or something?
Flight attendant: We will be dimming the cabin lighting, as it greatly improves the attractiveness of your in-flight crew.
Father, to kids: Good job, guys! So [the doctor] says you're ugly, but healthy.
Buff girl on cell: Yeah, well, she accused me of being mean. She insulted this new dress I was wearing at the party and was all like, "Ew that is so ugly," which was kinda bitchy, don't you think? So I told her, "That's because it would look like shit on you."...Whatever. It's true.

Girl on cell: But they're, like, crackwhores!
Man: I never misled my mother. I did steal from her, but I was on crack.
Girl: Did you see that movie Crackheads on Fire ?
Lady: Now she's a big shot. She used to be a crackhead.

Little boy, waiting in line to see "Bodies" exhibit: Are there gonna be rides?
Little girl, playing with her inattentive mother's cell: Nine... One...
Little girl, humming to herself: Cat cat dog, I am a tree! Eeeee! Minute Maid Coke, I am a poodle! Eeeee!
Little boy: Eddie, I like that torture a lot!
Little girl: Mom, I am highly disappointed in the construction.
3-year-old girl: Daddy, does this helmet make me look crazy?
Little boy: Simon says reach into everybody's pants!

Friend: First you suspect he's a date rapist, and now you're worried he isn't going to call?
Trendy woman: I need to be touched by a man in a loving way...It doesn't even have to be loving.
20-something girl on cell: I just wanna kiss someone!
Girl: I'm going to make out with someone tonight. I've already decided.
Well-dressed guy: You just hate that can't get a one-eyed, homeless black guy to think you're hot.

Hobo: Make New York safe for women! Lesbian jail! Put those vicious, ass-grabbing lesbians behind bars.
Girl: I think I could totally be a lesbian...except for the whole, like, lack of penises thing.
Guy: If I ever went to a drag bar, I'd never want to draw attention to myself. But two 400-pound lesbians?! I mean, come on.
Guy: So tell me what those lesbian meetings are really about!
Amateur sociologist: I think a lesbian counts for two gay people because they're rare.

Carnie: Come play Shoot the Freak! What d'ya come to Coney Island for, to swim in dirty water?
Guy: Shut up and never call me again, you freak.
Peddler: Coney Island Freak Show t-shirts! It's the new Gucci!

Guy: So you went out with this great guy, and then he just told you he's a girl?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: I just love having these crazy conversations in the elevator, and everyone thinks you're insane. Doors open. Everyone gets out.
Guy: This is your floor? Oh no! Those people are your neighbors!

Girl: Jeanette's boyfriend's girlfriend has one.
Guy: Wait, Jeanette's boyfriend's girlfriend?
Girl: Yeah, I know. It's really messed up, but she's cool with it.

Boyfriend is trying to force-feed chocolate to his girlfriend.
Girlfriend: Stop, I don't want it. It will make me fat, and you won't want me.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but no one else will either.

Guy: Hey, I'm lookin' for a book.
Lady behind the counter: Um, okay. Did you have any particular one in mind?
Guy, laughing: No. Hell no. I don't fuckin' read. I'm just lookin' for something I can take over to Central Park so I can get hit on by chicks who think I'm smart and shit.
Lady behind counter: Try Nietzsche.

Snob chick: So then she was like, "You're only saying that because I'm handicapped!" I hate the fucking handicap excuse.
Reverse-snob chick: But you were only saying that because she was handicapped.
Snob chick: Yeah...

Conductor #1: Conductor, is the Clean Train Campaign in effect for this train?
Conductor #2: AAARRRGGGHHH!

Teen girl #1: If you were a guy, I would totally rape you.
Teen girl #2: Isn't it the other way around?
Teen girl #1: No. I wouldn't rape a girl. Unless she was a guy.
Teen girl #2: Oh.

NYU student #1: We're drawing bodies in art class today.
NYU student #2: Naked bodies?
NYU student #1: No, dead bodies.
NYU student #2: Naked dead bodies?

Suit #1: I guess I wasn't invited. I wasn't on my best behavior last year.
Suit #2: Well, you did light that horse on fire.

Little girl: Christmas is next!
Mother: No, first is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
Little girl: And then we die!

Girl: And can I get brown rice with my order?
Waiter: No, we don't have brown rice here. Only white rice.
Girl: Oh, OK.
Waiter: We don't consider brown rice Chinese food.

Building engineer #1, watching pretty girl disembark: Pretty girl.
Building engineer #2: Very pretty.
Building engineer #1: You know, I would eat a pile of shit to get to that ass.

Young woman: How many children do you have?
Old woman: Two... well, I had three, but one moved to Florida.

Guy #1: That was a beautiful pit bull.
Guy #2: Yeah, I'd love to have that pit bull, but I'm not responsible enough to have a dog. I'm gonna have some kids first so they can be responsible for the dog.

Girl: I just heard a Britney Spears cover. It was odd.
Guy: I like her cover of... I think it was a James Brown song.
Girl: "My Prerogative"?... oh, no, that's Brown.
Guy: It was some brown person.

Guy: If I can be a good crackhead, I can be a good Christian.

Girl: Is this the cheapest copy of Steal This Book that you have?
Cashier: Yeah, we only have that one new.
Girl: So then this isn't exactly a used bookstore, is it?
Cashier: Well, you are going to use it, right?

Woman #1: I couldn't be a housewife. I need to get out of the house.
Woman #2: I get out... I go to Wal-Mart.

JAP #1: I hate how he calls himself "Bobby" just to seem more Jewish!
JAP #2: Yeah, why isn't he comfortable being a Bob?

Dude: Bitch, you're one hot bitch.
Girl: Did you just call me a bitch?
Dude: Wanna have sex?
Girl: I would, but I have to walk in this direction now.

Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we're trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God's sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.

20-Something chick: Yeah, well that was when I used to get drunk with his mother.
Drunk girl: I always end up with the ones with mommy issues. Like, does it like I'm lactating, motherfucker? Didn't think so. --Park Slope
Tween boy: Well, my mom was lactating at the time, so I just drank that. --7th Ave & 5th St, Park Slope
Professor: Mothers are not uncommon in families. Grandmothers don't count because they're not sexual threats.
Woman on cell: You need to calm the down. Calm down. You need to calm the fuck down ! Bullets do not have names. Mama said that. You be runnin' around with the crips, with the gangs. You gonna get your ass shot. You listen to : you need to calm the fuck !

Young woman: When I went to see Snakes on a Plane , I didn't think there'd be snakes! On a plane! --Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Tween boy: After seeing that movie, I have to say: Johnny Knoxville is the most suicidal person next to Jesus.
Ticket taker, directing people to theater: Go out the window and take a left.
Blonde girl: Isn't Short Circuit the movie with R2D2?
Guy in very crowded train: It felt like Schindler's List for a second there.

Ten-year-old: If I work on my claw skills, I will always be able to tell what time it is! --CVS, Lexington Ave
Young boy: Were you sniffing my father? --Bronx Zoo
Little girl: You always make things up! You made this game up, you made the rules up, you even made me up!

Hobo: Give Germany brain cancer! Fire laser beams into the back of the brain of Germany! Men, women, retarded children! Make Germany lose their memory! --New York Public Library
JAP: OK, Brittney, so he got blown up in Israel. gets blown up in Israel! --Harry's Burritos, Thompson & 3rd
Barista: Can you grab me a tall Ethiopian by the neck?

Burly guy: Dude, can you help me get it up? --Gold's Gym, 250 West 54th
NYU trendoid: I need some nuts, like, hardcore. --MoMA
Conductor: Please let the passengers get off before pushing on the train. Get them off. Get them off. Get them off fast!

Girl: You really don't realize how many Indian kids there are at NYU until you have really shitty sex with one of them and have to try to avoid him.
Indian guy, to white guy: Do you see the color of my skin? I'm obviously more intelligent than you. --Makers
Very white girl: It was so diverse and, like, I don't know, I felt like a minority.
Guy: I don't discriminate based on race, but you in particular are a suspicious-looking motherfucker.

Middle-Aged woman: Oh my God, you should have been there to see my husband naked-bodysurfing. --Thompson & Spring
Man on cell: Yeah... I'm just calling to let you know the Naked Cowboy called in sick today because of the rain. Yeah, I'm going to take his place. I just wanted to let you know. OK. Bye. --48th & 2nd
Girl: It's not like when a guy sees you naked, he's gonna be like, "Yo, I wish you were more muscular." --College Walk, Columbia University

Man on cell: You still love me even though I'm a fatty?
Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren't such a crack-whore.
Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don't find them; they find you!
Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn't he moisturize?!
Ghetto girl: Love ain't got nothin' to do with the way you smellin' right now!
Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me?
Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you...Of course she's just doing it to be a bitch...I love Susan.

Street vendor, gesturing to enormous bong: No, no...this one is for tobacco.
Elderly man: People are stupid! They don't do pot! --R train
Stoned guy: Man, why do chip manufacturers always put the crumbs at the bottom of the bag?
Teenage gangsta: Yo, when I was in the shower, it totally tasted like weed. For real. --Lafayette & Houston

Jock: Last night we were so wasted we got naked and mounted the ram....and then watched Fraggle Rock .
College student: Watching Dawson's Creek is like studying for the SATs.
Nerdy teen: Oh my God, a refrigerator with a television in it. My life's dream has just been realized.
Amateur media scholar: It's not called because they're lost. It's called because the audience can't follow it.
20-Something guy to his date: But if you don't have a television, how do you watch porn?

Jungian: Let's be honest: everyone knows he has the personality of an air conditioner.
Queer, looking at hordes of tourists: It's times like this I wish I carried a taser.
Ghetto girl: He smell like a sanitation truck. You know how when a sanitation truck drives by and it just smells nasty? Yeah, he like 8 trucks in a row!
Sarcastic hipster: Wow, that girl over there is a great artist. She did a fantastic job of drawing her eyebrows on her face.
College kid: Tourists are kinda like retards; I want to help, but I just never seem to.
Guy on headset: I don't want no broke ass bitches. She couldn't even rub two crackers together.
Ghetto waitress: Ugh. Table 9 has had so much work done on her face. Too bad she still look busted.

Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don't think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.
Drunk girl: I don't want to be sold for five dollars on the street!
Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.
Addiction expert: I don't think he's addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers' asses.
Old Jewess: I couldn't tell if they were singers or prostitutes.
Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!
Guy: She's kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.

Guy #1: You know that Anton Webern's Quartet for the End of Time was performed in a concentration camp? Crazy.
Guy #2: Yeah. He died real weird. I forget how. I think the Nazis shot him.
Total stranger: Actually he was shot by Allied soldiers. He was breaking curfew smoking a cigarette, and they mistook him for his brother-in-law, who was an alleged Nazi spy.
Guy #1: Oh, I see. Thanks.
Total stranger: Any other questions? I just ride this train all day waiting to answer questions on twentieth-century music composition. The next car has an expert on Chekhov, and the conductor studies philosophy.
Guy #1: So anyway, Slavic girls are pretty hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, for real.

Woman #1: I call her a dirty slag, she calls me a fat cow. You know.
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: But she says it in the most proper British accent, so I don't really mind.
Woman #2: Yeah, if I'm insulted in a foreign language, what do I care?

Girl #1: At least I still kept my perfume.
Girl #2: Oh my gosh, did you leave your perfume behind?
Girl #1: No, I said I brought it with me.
Girl #2: Wait, do you still have your perfume?

Girl: Do you remember what you promised me before you left?
Guy: What? No.
Girl: You don't remember what you promised me?
Guy: I promise you things all the time. I never remember any of them.

English girl: The Strokes could do anything and be hot.
Friend: Yeah.
English girl: Even, like... hmm, I was going to say even if they were having a gay orgy, but --
Friend: That would be hot anyway!
English girl: Yeah! So they'd still be hot even if they...
Friend: Were peeing.

Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.

Girl #1: You're so hot!
Girl #2: [keeps grooving to music]
Girl #1: I just want you to have a threesome with me, you bitch!
Girl #2: Sure!

Coed #1, pointing at huge stain on her shirt: It's coffee. I used water to rub it off, but the water made it all wet!
Coed #2: You should have used club soda!

Broker: This is not a pet-friendly property.
Girl: Does it matter if my cat is toilet-trained?
Broker: I don't understand.
Girl: My cat doesn't have a litter box. It uses the toilet. Does that help?
Broker: I am not sure if that makes a difference. How did you do it?
Girl: I used a training kit. CitiKitty.
Broker: It might impress the owner, but I am not sure it makes a difference. Does your cat flush?
Girl: It will if that helps me get the apartment.

Little boy, pointing to lacy panties: Daddy, I want some of those!
Dad: Son, when you're older, girls are gonna be throwing you their panties.

Kid #1: Yo, I'm going to hit that raw.
Kid #2: Do you have sperm yet?
Kid #1: Nah, but I'll still hit it raw.

Rich girl #1: It was so ANNOYING! I mean, boom, eighty bucks!
Rich girl #2: I hate losing money! Where were you?
Rich girl #1: Shopping.
Rich girl #2: I hate when that happens.

JAP #1: Which magazine do we want -- or
JAP #2: I don't know, let's get
JAP #1: Yeah, has fewer words in it.--Kosher Delight Restaurant, 13th Ave, Brooklyn

Young girl: We can share!
Father: We'll have to throw away the choking hazard pieces.
Young girl: These? I wanna keep the choking hazard!

Dude #1: So what's going on with *Paige?
Dude #2: Oh! She doesn't have cancer!
Dude #3: Sweet! Let's get mohawks!
Dude #1: Well, there goes my night.

Girl with violin case: I asked Weijing and she said it was OK.
Hag with eye tick: She must not have understood you. She's not blond, you know. She's Chinese.
Girl with violin case: Um, I'm pretty sure she understood me.

Little kid: What happened to your eye?
Woman with eye patch: Some little kid poked it out.

Little girl: Is that a tattoo?
Woman: Yeah.
Little girl: People die from those, you know.
Woman: From tattoos?
Little girl: Yes. They get tattoos. Then they get cancer. And then they die.

Yuppie woman #1: I just couldn't believe it. Just because I give my child everything he wants and asks for, she has the nerve to tell me that I'm giving my son a sense of entitlement.
Yuppie woman #2: I can't believe she said that.
Yuppie woman #1: Yeah. The nerve!

Customer: I could use that cane. I pulled my hamstring last night.
Bartender: Doing what, changing diapers?
Customer: No, having sex with myself.

Girl #1: You know how deodorant gives you cancer?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, I'd rather take the risk, because nobody's going to like you for being smelly.

Dork #1: So what's your favorite element?
Dork #2: Ummm... I guess rhodium.
Dork #1: Rhodium, huh? Mine's osmium. Why wouldn't you pick chromium or cobalt?
Dork #2: I'm not sure. I just like rhodium.

Police officer: Crime isn't going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?

Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven't showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please... I'll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars.

Teen girl #1: Last night I thought the lights were flicking on and off in my room.
Teen girl #2: Was there something wrong with the electricity?
Teen girl #1: No, I realized it was just me opening and closing my eyes.

Teen tourist girl #1: The Late Show ! The Late Show
Teen tourist girl #2: We have to go see that! I can't believe The Late Show is here!
Hobo: That show is bad. Very, very bad. It will take you to hell. Repent for your sins now!
Teen tourist girl #1:

Local: Where you do want to go today, Mom?
Tourist mom: I don't know. A museum?
Local: We always go to a museum when you visit. Let's try a new one this time. We haven't been to the Guggenheim. The Museum of Sex is interesting.
Tourist mom: Museum of what? Museum of ? They have that here?! Please tell me you don't go there. Do you go to church these days? Hmmm? Do they have in this city?!

Hipster #1: And the funny thing was... she had no curtains, right?
Hipster #2: Yeah?
Hipster #1: Yeah, and I mean I wasn't entirely comfortable with that, but what was I supposed to say, "I'm not comfortable with my penis in your mouth right now"?
Hipster #2: you weren't gonna say that!

Woman #1: I called him and I called him, and he kept letting it go to voice mail!
Woman #2: Well, maybe he wasn't there. Or maybe he just didn't want to talk to you.
Woman #1: But, like, it could've been Jesus on the phone! And he wasn't answering!
Woman #2: Uh, Jesus wouldn't call on a cell phone.

Guy #1: So she looks at it with all the sauce, and goes, "That's not Italian." That's her whole classification system: everything's either Italian or not Italian.
Guy #2: Good thing the library doesn't use that system.

Girl #1: One time I passed out, then I woke up and was like, "I am on the wrong line for this." I had to get out and go back the other way!
Girl #2: I'm such a wimp. I take a cab when I get too drunk to know where I'm going.

Chick: If we ever do go to Vegas, we have to see a brothel!
Queer: Isn't that where monks live?

Guy #1: Aw, man, she's like a 4x4, comfortable and fast! And those curves, shit.
Guy #2: She's seventeen.
Guy #1: Right on!
Guy #2: My shit is real, yo.

Drunk girl #1: I can't believe he offered us $20 for that.
Drunk girl #2: We should have just took it. $20 is $20. We didn't even have to do anything. We didn't even have to look!
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, true, but can you imagine if those other two came around the corner while he was doing that.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, you're right. They would not only think we were crackheads, but prostitutes too.

Teen #1: Wanna go to Long Island tonight?
Teen #2: Yeah.
Teen #3: Wait, where on Long Island?
Teen #1: I don't know. Where is Long Island, anyway?

Hobo: Spare some change for the fucking poor? Yeah, that's right, you fucking chinks. Fucking slanty-eyed flat-assed bitches! Suck my ass!
Asian woman: He said my butt was flat!

CD vendor: Hey, baby, you like hip hop? C'mon, baby, it's good. C'mon, I never shot nobody. Well, there was that one time, but baby, c'mon.
Security guard: Yeah, if some guy came in, I'd be the first one on the ground, screaming,"Oh shit, he got a gun!" I'd be screaming like a baby.
Man, excitedly holding up infant to the fence: Look, baby! It's Ground Zero!
Guy: I feel shaken like a baby being taken care of by a British woman!
Man on cell: Baby, butter that thang up 'cause I'm coming home. --E 65th & Central Park
Guy: If I'm going to see pictures of someone pooping, I'd rather it be a baby...Or a kitten.
Woman to dog: You can't go in there. You want to be on TV, baby? You want to be a big TV star?

Girl: There are so many hands on me right now. --1 train, Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs. --BX 12 bus
Guy in wifebeater: Nah...Nah...That ain't rape. That ain't rape. --W. Broadway & Spring
Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now...Hello? --4th St & 6th Ave
Hipster girl to hipster guy: I'm really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?

Woman on cell: Wait, but he still has malaria, right?...Good. Go on.
Frat boy: Wow! Herpes for a dollar; that sounds like a good deal!
Amateur historian: You know what was bad? Black Plague was .
Faux-Boho gal: And he said, "I don't understand how I have STDs and you don't."
Gay waiter: I'll have to sterilize it and burn it or it might give the fire an infection.
MTA employee: So I had a touch of pneumonia, and they had to remove part of my lung. I was coughing up Jello...But it was clear, so it was okay!
Hobette: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, I'm hungry and I'm homeless. If you could please spare some money or some food, I'd appreciate it. Oh, and I have cancer. Have a nice day.

Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?
Drunk man: I can't believe they took Ray's fucking Pizza out of the Ferry Terminal. How am I supposed to sober up before I go home now?
Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don't, I'm gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I've been drinking. If I wasn't drinking, he wouldn't bother me. If I had been drinking more, I'd just hit him. But right now I'm caught in a strange netherworld and I'll just chill down here.
Guy on cell: What? That ungrateful, lying bitch. I can drink more Jack through my dick than he could spill on a table!
Guy: Man, I don't care if they call Protective Services on me. When my kid turns ten, I'll be like, "You're ready. Let's go get hammered." No fuckin' way I'm waiting 'til he's eleven.
50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.
Enemy of Bill W.: If we pass a bar, do you guys mind stopping? I just need it chug a beer. It will literally take me 4 seconds.

Fashionista: I'm not ready for a rich man. --East Village
Woman: Yeah, he's got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!
3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.
Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, "That's what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants."
Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I to do what's fiscally feasible for ...and by "me", I mean my parents.
Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?
Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!

Tour guide: If you're going to be in New York for at least a year, I'd recommend going to an outer borough. --Bowling Green
Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is New York.
Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don't you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King's Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!
Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am not New York enough for this!
Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!
Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!

Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions!
Suit on cell: I don't know if going through water is resistance or friction, do you? God! I am so tired of doing the kid's homework!
Female student: I think I'm gonna learn a lot. They were saying things that went, like, right over my head.
NYU girl on cell: No, I'm not going to waste the credits. I'm just going to fail the class on purpose.
Drunk chick: I'm majoring in the doggy-style orgasm.
Professor to class: Most of you are familiar with the breasts of members of the opposite sex who are close to your own age.
Professor: I have no idea what you're saying, but I know you're wrong.

Girl: I can't go to the bathroom, I can't eat grapes, I... I'll be in a bubble! --Brooklyn bound F train
Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let's just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.
Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!
Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.

Urban Tarzan: I grew up in a house of monkeys. My mother was a monkey, my father was a monkey, my brother was a pig.
Customer on cell: Well, the kids finally found Grandma's python.
Genius: I really can't stand cats. They're just furry rats.
Middle-aged woman on cell: I have to get home to cook spaghetti for my cat.

Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!
Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn't-a stole that car.
Drunk guy on cell: If you don't have my money by 12 tomorrow, I'm gonna get your mother's car and your sister's car...I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.
Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn't have cars.

Dr. Obvious: If you want to a label band, you have to like a label band.
Subway performer: I would like to sing you a song now, one that I wrote and I am very proud of. It goes like this, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend..."
Guy to girl: I don't mean to be pretentious, but I have seen the Palominos live.
Karaoke singer: I realized early on that I wasn't being sexy enough with that song, and then suddenly I was humping the air.
Stoner: Dude, what is this band playing? Is this Phish? No, seriously. I'm really confused.
Black guy: I don't give a damn what the black people think! I want Evanescence!
Waiter: I had to get out of there. I'm sorry, but I just can't listen to Tom Waits as soon as I get into work! It's too early for Tom Waits! Let me ease into my day first. Jesus!

Hipster: Oh, no, see, that's the common misconception. MySpace was originally the Friendster for artists.
Girl: Oh.

Compassionate chick, looking at homeless cats: Oooh, look at this one. It only has one eye. What happened?
Kitten rescue volunteer: Oh, it lost an eye.

Asian woman: You want Coach, Prada, Louis Vuitton? DVD?
Guy, about to light up: Do you sell fake cigarettes?

Biker #1: The fact that he's conservative doesn't intrinsically make him ugly. There are attractive Republicans.
Biker #2: On unicorns with pots of gold!

Queer #1, to girl in Red Sox shirt: The Red Sox are fabulous!
Queer #2: Can you be any more gay?

Female suit: He's not even a partner?
Man: Yep.
Female suit: He shushed me and he's not even a partner!

Dude #1: You know, I kinda like Richie Santorum.
Dude #2: Yeah... he's a pretty good guitarist. Bon Jovi's alright.
Dude #1: Yep.

Tourist kid: Mom, am I fat?
Tourist mom: Yes. Now get in the airplane.
Tourist kid: Dad says I'm husky.
Tourist mom: That means

Man #1: I mean, I don't feel guilty about this.
Man #2: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Man #1: I put a lot in this relationship.
Man #2: Yeah. Yeah.
Man #1: I took time out from work. Time from the club. Time from my wife and kids.

Father: Look at that sign. What do you think means?
Son: I don't know.
Father: Look at the picture.
Son: Oh, ! So it's, like, an Applebee's?

Woman: What's your favorite art supply?
Man: Vagina!

White girl #1: Dude, I just knocked off work.
White girl #2: Where you working?
White girl #1: The florist.
White girl #2: Dude, that's pretty gangster.

Girl: I'm up for anything. You gotta change it up. I just don't want to date a guy who's a stick-in-the-mud.
Guy: Well, I can assure you, my stick has been out of the mud for some time now.

Queer: Dude, I'm so horny, I'm thinking about considering Asians.

Southern woman on phone: You can't threaten me with jail! Three hots and a cot, I ain't nobody's momma, and I ain't nobody's wife! And I ain't above eating pussy!

Chick: Wait, you don't take credit cards?
Street vendor: Yeah, I got a machine right here in my arm.

Girl #1: It's not good to flush the toilet while you're in the stall.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because then everything that's in the toilet... jumps out.
Girl #2: Ewww.

Little girl, pointing to grab holds: Look, Dad, monkey bars!
Little boy: I wanna play on the pole! No, you can't too, this is my pole!
Dad: Bobby, everyone can play on the pole!
Little girl: Bobby, go back to your pole!
Little boy: Fine! Look, Dad, I'm a pole dancer!

Girl #1: Yeah, I just really don't like Matthew McConaughey's arms. I mean, he's an attractive guy, but his arms are just...
Girl #2: I know what you mean, I guess... they don't match his body.
Girl #1: I was going to say I hope he gets cancer in his arms, but I didn't mean it.
Girl #2: I know.

Chick #1: You know what today is a perfect day for?
Chick #2: Shopping?
Chick #1: No. Gaelic football!

Teen girl: So somehow we all ended up in our underwear, then Katie suggested Truth or Dare. That was weird. I had to give her a lap dance, and Sarah had to lick my tits, and freaky stuff like that. It was more like some lesbian orgy than a sleepover.
Teen guy: That sounds... so hot.
Teen girl: Oh my God, I thought you were gay!

Woman #1: I don't know how I'm gonna get Bernie to go down on me. I've even tried waxing.
Woman #2: Maybe you can tattoo a little Yankees logo down there.
Woman #1: Are you kidding? It would be a holy object. He would kneel and make burnt offerings.
Woman #2: At least he would be kneeling. That's a start.

Girl: I think that guy is waving to me.
Guy: That's a streetlight. Maybe you shouldn't have eaten that third piece of paper.
Girl: I can't wait 'til vegoose.

Man: You finally made it.
Woman: Yeah... by the time I wake up, get ready, drive to the train station, take the train, then take the subway to get here all for a ten-minute interview... it's, like, a total rim job.
Man: Ummm... at least you made it.

Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.

Tourist: Are you selling those?
Guy with fake handbags: Of course not! We're the police.

Goth girl: You are such a disillusioned youth!
Goth guy: Wait, what does that even mean?
Goth girl: How should I know? I just think it sounds good.

Asian girl: Do you want to go eat Korean food?
Little brother: What does it taste like?
Asian girl: It's like American food.

Foodie: Have you ever been to China Grill?
Non-Foodie: Is that Cuban food?--62nd & Broadway

Dude #1: Yeah, so it turns out I got pee in my hair for nothing.
Dude #2: Yeah. Huh.

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude. --Time Warner Center
Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don't die now! --52nd & 5th
Woman: You're born, yadda yadda yadda...You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.
Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose...[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it's not my fault.

Modest hoochie: Yeah, I can always tell if a guy's a fag or not by whether he checks out my tits. --Penn Station
Toothless Brooklynite: I'm sayin' she used to have some good pussy and some big ole titties. I'm talking double E-E's . And she went to the doctor and had them cut off. Her titties was cut off!
Teen girl to mother: Maybe I'll do that. Or maybe I'll just give myself a boob job with a rusty butter knife and water balloons!
Guy: Well, it's not like you can't say you've never had your bosom in somebody's elbow before.

Mother of the Year: My momma said, "All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line." And she was right, too. --23rd & 11th
Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin' out with. --Foley Square
Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We'll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You'll get your ass whipped.
Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn't hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be .
Happy hobo: Oh ! Oh ! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I'm gonna kick ass!

Girl: I don't think "Keep your legs closed" is part of Catholic mass. --Elevator, Brooklyn Law School dorm
Man: If hell had a bathroom, this would be it. --LIRR bathroom, Penn Station
Heathen: I'm worried because we're going to Burning Man, which, you know, is not church camp.
Young queer: The Jesus man touched me funny!

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin' good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly! --1 train
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it's from his ear?! --Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It's called Caskets and Sunnyside . You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there's a market for them.
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is ?! I'm on the street. I can't hear--Oh, ! That's totally fucked up. I'm sorry.

Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper. --49th & 2nd
Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that's fine. They can diet after I'm gone. Just keep my recipes is all I'm sayin', ya know?
Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me.
Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They're so ugly, and a lot of them haven't started smoking yet so they're really fat.
Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn't get any, stupid fat lady!
Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there?

Woman: And you are not a lesbian either! You are only gay on weekends.
Teen girl: I know Jimmy's not gay because he stole my girlfriend.
Preacher: Mark my words--by sunrise you will be smothered in lesbians.
Thoughtful guy: I always thought that if I were gay I'd be the manlier one. But now that I think about it I'd want to be the girly one for all the free stuff.
Guy on cell: Wait...Christ! It's gayer than three snaps in Z formation in here.
Midwestern guy: That is complete bullshit! How do you make a dog gay?
Teen girl: It's funny talking to him now. I mean, in the eighth grade we knew he was gay, but not take-it-up-the-butt gay.

Conductor: This is a downtown 4 train making local stops. I repeat, this...Stop looking at me like that, nigga, or I'll kill yo' ass...This is a downtown 4 train making local stops... --Downtown 4 train
Conductor: This is South Orange. South Orange. South Orange. [sound of a group of people cheering is heard over the speaker] Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This is South Orange! --NJ Transit train from Penn Station to Dover

Macho guy: I just want to roundhouse a cop in the head. Then I'm gonna run my ass off.
Perfume vendor: 5 dollars! 5 dollars! Get 'em before the cops do!
Girl on cell: ...and then the police came so we were wondering if it was gonna be like a bar mitzvah.
Guy on cell: He drank half a bottle of Listerine?...Let me know when the police get there.
Policeman, to erratic driver: You heard me, man, now pull over. What the hell?
Policewoman through loudspeaker, to erratic driver: Where did you get your license? Oh. My. God.
Running mom, to child: Hurry up! Run, run like the cops are chasing you!

White hipster girl: Is black semen black?

Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom? --Cafeteria, the Met
Girl: Man, it's hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!
Idle dreamer: Man...I wish I had, like, 59 butts.
Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass! --Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens
Teen boy: I'm gonna spread your booty cheeks.

Chick #1: What the hell is that?
Chick #2: The placenta.
Chick #1: What's a placenta?

Dirtbag #1: I got her number for you.
Dirtbag #2: I don't want it. If you give it to me, I'm going to throw it out.
Dirtbag #1: She was banging, and she had a sister. Is she banging?
Dirtbag #2: She looked good. Taller. Younger.
Dirtbag #1: We gonna take them to the movies and then to the hotel.
Dirtbag #2: Yeah?
Dirtbag #1: We gonna pull the camcorder out on that.

Guy: I don't know if you believe in reincarnation or anything, but I just have this feeling that my mother and I have a lot of shit to work out. Maybe in my next life she'll just be my cat or something.
Girl: What would you name her?
Guy: Pussy.

Hipster chick: So what happened? Why did you two break up?
Hipster boy: She's a slut. Her vagina's the gateway to Hell.

Gallant Queer: You can go ahead of me with your "lady things."
Woman in line behind him, holding infant and feminine products: You mean the maxi-pads or the baby?

Girl #1: Yeah, I need to buy a new cell phone; mine is broken.
Girl #2: How come.
Girl #1: I dropped it in the sand during my vacation.
Girl #2: That's how it broke?
Girl #1: No, it was fine but the sand was all over it, so I decided to rinse it clean with pouring water from the bathroom sink.

Police cruiser stops on 8th Ave by a group of black teens.
Loudspeaker: What are you doing there?
Black teens: [inaudible]
Loudspeaker: OK, but no hands. One teen takes three long strides and leaps on top of a mailbox, wobbles precariously, touches one finger on a wobble, and stands straight up.
Loudspeaker: Used your hands.

Ghetto Girl: I wonder how come you don't see more men here...
Gangsta #1: Shit, 'cause they ain't got patience for this shit. I been here for four hours!
Gangsta #2: Yo nigga, that's why I go shopping.

Girl #1: So if I get the Big Mac but get a Diet Coke, it won't matter, right?
Girl #2: Yeah, because the Diet Coke has like no calories, so it will be like just eating a hamburger without having anything to drink.
Girl #1: So I won't get fat?
Girl #2: No, totally not.

Redhead: When I was dying, I had a thing with monkeys.
Ponytail: Really? Monkeys?
Redhead: Yeah... they were everywhere!

Guy #1: So I said, "Well, you all are, like, almost hot."
Guy #2: Wait, why did you do that?
Guy #1: Oh, I wasn't going to hook up with any of them. So then I said, "See, it's like you all could be hot. Like she has a nice ass, you have a nice nose... I just wish I could put all of you together and create one big Frankenpussy."

Frat guy #1: If there are no rules at this place, could I go have sex with that hostess?
Frat guy #2: Dude, I think that would be rape.

Black man: Quit turning around and walk, bitch. I ain't gonna rape you.
White woman turns around and walks a little faster.
Black man: You ain't even my type! Too skinny! I like 'em big!

Old tourist lady #1: Nobody looks at you here. Nobody looks into your eyes.
Old tourist lady #2: They probably would if we were better looking.

Woman: Foreigners are killing this city.
Man: Those people seemed like Americans.
Woman: But they're foreign to New York.

Older woman, irritatedly: What do you mean, he has a beaver?
Younger woman, soothingly: Beeper. He has a

Suit on cell: No, she's not ugly. She's just a Jew.

Kid presses call button on commuter hotline phone.
Father: Why did you do that?
Son: I'm sorry. I didn't know what it was.
Father: If you do that again the police will arrest you.
Son: Really?
Father: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Father: He will kill you and put your picture on the Wall of Memories [Ground Zero feature].

Chick referring to The Producers: Yeah, it made fun of Hitler, but it was in, like, a positive way.

Little Boy: Mommy, Mommy, I want a fish!
Mom: No.
Little Boy: Why?
Mom: Because first you'll like it, then it'll start to smell, then it will die, and then you'll cry.

Girl #1: I mean, don't tell him I told you that. You can't tell him I said anything, or he will flip his shit.
Girl #2: It's Vagina Night!

Hobo: I want to fuck you someplace fairly uncomfortable.
Hipster: Did that bum just quote

Aspiring entrepreneur: So what should I do for Mike for his 21st?
Brainiac: Well, just make him an ID so you guys can go out at least.
Aspiring entrepreneur: Um...

Woman on cell: They just did an autopsy on my mother...What?...Yeah...Autopsy...No, she didn't fuckin' die, you asshole. An autopsy! Yeah! On my mother! It's benign...Okay, listen, man, next time I'm watching , you need to shut the fuck up and watch with me. You can learn shit on there!

20-Something guy: You see, I don't have that problem because I don't have any of my teeth left.

Employee #1: Did you know one company will fly you to outer space for $40 million?
Employee #2: I would never do that. I'd shit myself.
Employee #1: I shit myself even going to Queens!

Airport security guard #1: Hey, I gotta get me a mongoose.
Airport security guard #2: Yeah, man. Gotta keep them cobras off them planes.

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.
3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!
Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.
Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.
Crazy guy: You fuckers don't deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!
Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn't watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.
Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

Little gangster kid: Yo, the last time I went fishing I got a fishing lure stuck in my dick.
Hobo: Everybody's somebody on my dick!
Girl, to male co-worker: Can you be a little more subtle and not such a dick-swinger about your Amstel Light?
Woman: At least I don't suck dicks for free!
Drunk college student: My redeeming factor is I will suck fucking dick to make money.
Guy on cell: Take it like a bowl of dicks.
Fat guy: So I asked her, and she gave me her number, and then it was disconnected. So I went back the next week, and she wasn't working there anymore. So I wondered, did she quit her job just to avoid sucking my dick?

15-year-old on cell: Why would they invade Lebanon? We've got nothing they want. All we've got are .
Professor Obvious, on Hezbollah situation: It's, like, so Old Testament. They really need to come up off that shit.
B&T mom on cell: God, honey, calm down. I'm in Manhattan, not Lebanon.
Wannabe cartographer: Where's Hezbollah...Like, it's a city in Iran, right?

Confused shiksa: I don't know, he was either Jewish or Polish or something...He had on that little beanie, you know?
Asian chick: I like you because I can say all this ignorant Jewish stuff, and you know what I'm talking about.
Guy on cell: No it's all going to be fine. We already locked up the rabbi.
Black guy #1 to black guy #2: Jews for Jesus? What kind of racist shit is that, Negro?
Hipster: I was at a Klan meeting when I found out I was Jewish. I just about hung myself.
Chick: They were either Orthodox Jews or Rocky Horror fanatics.
Egyptian dude: See, other people in the Middle East do not really hate Jews. We are very similar to Jews, actually. Egyptians and Palestinians and Lebanese and Israelis, all of us make lots of deli foods that have lots of spices and names that are fun to say...And if you are Egyptian, the war does not mean so much. If you grew up there, you grew up with the giant pyramids. You know the pyramids? Yes, well you can see them from the city, and you think "Who built those? Slaves. Who did they build them for? Dead people." And then things like wars do not bother you so much.

Guy on cell: Fucking? Are you Fucking?...Beating off?...What's that sound?...I don't know; I'm out of guesses!
Construction worker, building a new school: So we fucked it up. It's Friday anyway. I don't have to look at it no more.

Intercom voice: If you heard your name, or something that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leaving!
Security official: Okay, people, have your boarding passes out! If you don't have your boarding passes out, I'm sending you to Amtrak!
Pilot, on crowded runway: Welcome to the parking lot known as LaGuardia Airport.
Pilot: The mist you are seeing is caused by a difference in temperature. The temperature outside is different from the temperature inside. Once we close the door and prepare for take-off, the mist will disappear, which will make us very sad because we like mist.
Pilot: Good afternoon, passengers. We are about to make our final descent into John F. Kennedy International Airport, so buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight.
Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on.
Flight attendant: ...and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke inside, you came to the wrong state.

Man: Hey, anyone want to go to an orgy? --Central Park
 Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need condoms? --Pharmacy, 82nd & Columbus
Girl on cell: Well it's not even like anyone there had any porn background!
Guy on stoop: Dude! I did give that girl VD. --22nd & Broadway
Loud female suit: Well, at least he wasn't with an --45th & Lex
Preppy girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got myself two tickets for us to go to the Dominican Republic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Dominican cock. Yum!

Suit #1 to suit #2: Oh sure, I've got a source. I can get you a kidney, no problem. --Madison Square Park
Middle-Aged suit: Boobies boobies boobies. Boobies boobies boobies... --41st & 8th
Suit on cell: So there's gonna be total chaos on September 14th, but that's all we have planned so far.

Suit: I'd leave my wife for her if her clit didn't taste like a spicy tuna roll.
Girl on cell: I don't care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn't blow you. So I win.
Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job.
Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I'd do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit.
Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth?
Hipster: I'm thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better.
Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I'm not giving you head and you're not giving me head then we've got a problem.

Girl: I hate eating fish, except when my grandma makes it. She makes it taste like beef. --Central Park
Girlfriend to boyfriend: It wasn't just the egg roll, Jerry; it was all of last week. --Washington Square
Discerning sniffer: It smells good in here...like Spam. --Medical office, Canal & Bowery
Woman to little girl: You stick that in your mouth now before I shove it down your throat! I bought that ice cream, now stick it!

Hipster: If you drink someone's pee ever again, I won't talk to you. --45th & Lex
Drunk chick: I demand a urine scent! --Macdougal Ale House, Macdougal St
Dude: I'm serious, guys, use the bathrooms. No more peeing in bottles!
Woman on cell: Look, I'm sorry I had to use that kind of language on you, but, yo, how you gonna just whip out your penis and start pissin' on the train with everyone watchin'?
Mid-20's woman: Girl, I had to pee so bad but I figured I'd wait for that nigga to cum, and all of a sudden shit came leaking down my leg and he said, "Damn, girl, you have to get that shit fixed."

Ghetto girl on cell: How you 'spect me to find you? This map has, like, so many places on it!
Tourist: But we in SoHo!
Tourist to MTA agent: Which train do I need to take to get to South Ho?
Teenage tourist: Ohmigod...CBGB... BCBG...Whatever. We have to go!
Tourist lady, pointing to Liberty Island: There are people over there. Why are there people over there?!
Jappy tourist: Hey, we're trying to get back to New York Island; do you know the best way to get to 48th and 8th Avenue?
Yuppie tourist: Christina, Christina! Is this Ground Zero?

B&T shiksa: What is "kreplach"?
Jewish sugar daddy: Kreplach. It's like wontons.
B&T shiksa: Why don't they just call it wontons?

Guy: I really wanna kiss you right now.
Girl: So who does that make you: my uncle or my dad?

Black woman: Excuse me, miss?
Upper-East-Side white biotech: I don't have any money.
Black woman: I just wanted directions.

Girl #1, oblivious to the fact that her boobs are hanging out of her shirt: They were big for, like, three years.
Girl #2: No. Two seconds.
Girl #1: Three years.
Girl #2: Two seconds.
Girl #1: No, O-Town had two hits that were really important.
Girl #2: And where are they now?
Girl #1: Uh...
Random guy: Can you concentrate on more important things, like putting your saggy tits back in your shirt?

NYU girl: I would totally pay her back and all, but...
NYU guy: But what?
NYU girl: But she's a fucking cokehead is what! If anyone's gonna buy coke with my money, it will be me.

Chick: What does that mean, that the movie has subtitles? Isn't it in English?
Cashier: Yes, it's in English, but it has subtitles for the disabled.
Chick: So it's for the illiterate or something?

Man, waking up: What stop is this?
Fellow passenger: 125th Street
Man: What time is it?!
Fellow passenger: 8 o'clock.
Man: Oh dear God! [Runs off train]

Girl #1: My tits feel weird.
Girl #2: What do you mean?
Girl #1: I did Party Tits at the share this weekend.
Girl #2: What??
Girl #1: Party Tits. You get saline injected into them, and they get really big. It wears off in a few days. The guys love it.

Sister #1: You know what Auntie Cathy* said last week? She said that, back in the 40's, Aunt Mary* was a huge slut! She said, and I quote, "She had the clap so many times it amounted to applause."
Sister #2: And I thought the only hobby she ever had was crocheting those ugly stuffed animals.

Young man: I don't care what you say. I just wanna get a big stroller and have my wife push me around. I don't care what you say. That's pimp. That's pimp.

Girl: Did you hear that one?
Friend: Nope.
Girl: Do I have to blow my ass out on your face for you to hear my farts?

Little girl: I don't wanna! I'm 8 years old. I'm 8 years old!
Mother: Honey, it's 3 AM. We have to go home now.

Spanish girl: Why are there so many Mexicans in Minnesota? Isn't that really far north?
Spanish boy: I don't know...
Spanish girl: I mean, how'd they swim that far?

Old woman, to woman talking on Bluetooth headset: Excuse me, but are you talking to yourself? Woman just looks at her and keeps talking.
Old woman: No, seriously! Are you talking to yourself? Because, if you are, you should be nicer to yourself.

Tour guide, holding up t-shirt: Brooklyn is a Vienna-style lager. I'm giving away a t-shirt to the first person who can name another Vienna-style lager that is brewed in the U.S.
Guy in Red Sox hat: Sam Adams!
Tour guide: Very good. And I give this t-shirt to you, except that you're a Boston fan. Better luck next time. [Continues tour.]

Guy: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult your computer. I didn't know it was a cheap computer. I'm sorry.
Girl: You didn't insult my computer. You insulted my socio-economic status.

Park employee: Look, lady, if you want to have your dog off leash, you can bring it in after nine o'clock at night.
Upper-East-Side lady: Oh, that's a great idea. I'll just bring my dog into Central Park after nine... and get raped
Park employee: What good is a dog if it can't stop you from getting raped?

Man: So I've always kind of wondered...You know how ants are so small, we're probably too big to be completely perceived and understood by them? I always wondered if there were beings that were so large they were beyond capabilities of perception and comprehension.
Blonde: That, like, totally doesn't make any sense.
Man: Why not?
Blonde: 'Cause, like, when it rained on , then get washed away. Duh.

Dude #1: So they made fun of her?
Dude #2: No, no one would make fun of her, she had big boobs.

Hipster girl #1: Yeah, so he really slept with her. It's gross. She looks like a drag queen.
Hipster girl #2: If she really was a drag queen, that would be hot, though.
Hipster girl #1: Yeah.

Kid: What's that?
Grandma: That's the belly button. It helps you breathe.

Queer #1: I'd rather lose my legs than my hands.
Queer #2: I could probably lose a couple of fingers and still be happy.
Queer #1: What if you lost your dick?
Queer #2: I'd just turn it in and make a vagina.
Queer #1: So you'd basically turn yourself into a woman?
Queer #2: No, I'd still be a man, but with a vagina.
Queer #1: But you wouldn't feel anything.
Queer #2: I'd still use it.

Hoochie: I'm really not looking forward to getting up at 6:30 to go to work.
Friend: Me neither. But remember: they wanted you to be a doctor.
Hoochie: Yeah, I'm doing it because they wanted me to. I'm so angry, I'm fumigating!

Brooklyn queer #1: It's like that time I had mono and sat on my stoop for three days, whittling wood.
Brooklyn queer #2: I swear to God, if you tell that story one more time I'm going to shoot myself.

Latina: Are you ready to de-colonize Columbus Day?
White boy: Hell yes! Honey, I'd de-colonize America Israel for you.

Hipster chick: So you're saying don't hate avocados?
Hipster guy: No, no. I don't hate the avocados just for being avocados. I would never smash an avocado. I just want them to make up their minds. They need to decide.
Hipster chick: Good to know.

Optometrist #1: So, I went to his myspace to find out who his babymomma was, right? And then he calls me and says I have AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Wait? AIDS? You mean HIV, right?
Optometrist #1: No, AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Well, then I get HIV. You can get AIDS, but I want HIV.

Deaf Malay guy: My friends and I are thinking of making a movie called 'Hitler is Right.'
Deaf gay guy: What was he right about?
Deaf Malay guy: About the Jews. If he had finished what he started, there would be no more Jews and the world would be better.
Deaf gay guy: And we wouldn't exist either.
Deaf Malay guy: Why not?
Deaf gay guy: Because he also killed non-Aryans, homos, and deaf people.
Deaf Malay guy: Really?
Deaf gay guy: Yes.
Deaf Malay guy: Oh. Well, I still think Hitler was right.

Yuppie: Today was such an incredible day, I met Richard Branson, and...
Hipster: Who?
Yuppie: Oh, Fabian, that's why I love you so much.

NYU chick : Wait, he's 28!
Friend : Yeah, I know. he's Asian

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

Conductor: Next stop, 110th. This one goes to Van Cortlandt.
Tourette's man: I know, you fuck ! Stop yelling at me

Office thug #1: Yo, Windows is, like, mad-retarded!
Office thug #2: Say what?
Office thug #1: I said Windows is bullshit, man.
Office thug #2: Man, I been telling you that shit for years. My G5 is way better than whatever computer you got.
Office thug #1: Nigga, my laptop has AIDS!

Ghetto guy #1: Yo, man, phone your mom.
Ghetto guy #2: Yeah, hurry up, we about to go in the tunnel.
Ghetto guy #3: Yo, I'm Superman, nigga. I can do whatever I want.

College girl: I think I'm going to have sex with him.
Queer: Really? Why?
College girl: Because I'm 20.
Queer: What's his name?
College girl: Ummm...
Queer: Nice, real nice. You're a class act.
College girl: I still have at least three years before I have to worry about being classy.

Girl #1: That's pretty much illegal or something.
Girl #2: They're not really related, and she told her dad and he's cool with it.
Girl #1: Oooh, do you wanna get some ice cream?

Frat boy #1: Remember that pussy I was hittin' a few weeks ago?
Frat boy #2: Yeah.
Frat boy #1: She's in a coma now.
Frat boy #2's girlfriend: That reminds me of that Smiths song, 'Girlfriend in a Coma.' Have you ever heard it?

Hispanic thug #1: You have to hit a kid to teach him respect.
Hispanic thug #2: That doesn't work
Hispanic thug #1: Sure it does, remember when I stole that stuff when I was younger and dad hit me? That taught me the respect that I needed not to steal
Hispanic thug #2: You still steal.
Hispanic thug #1: Yeah, but not from my family.

Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That'd be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm...

Girl: When I look back on my life, I'm not going to think about trips I went on or relationships I had, I'll be thinking about television programs I watched.
Guy: That's horrible!
Girl: Well I was only kidding!

Hobo: Never give up ! Don't you ever give up!
Teen: But why even try? Everyone loses in the end!

Man #1: High Street? Oh man, we're back in Brooklyn....
Man #2: Ummm, we never left Brooklyn. The next stop is in Manhattan.
Man #2: Do you see that young man over there? Do you want his first life lesson to be me whuppin' yo' ass?

Guy #1: So we went to a baptism yesterday.
Guy #2: Wait, you're Catholic. Not Baptism. I'm Baptism.
Guy #1: You're Bap

Young queer #1: I can't believe you like going to this leather bar. The guys here are so scary.
Young queer #2: Not all of them. There are a few gems with all their hair, no visible gut and a strong immune system.

Little boy: She was nice
Snobby mother: Yeah... but she was too fat.

JAP: Oh my god, I can't wait to move into the city. I can't take my house anymore, my parents are always up my ass. Gabby, what time will you be home? Gabby, don't forget to tell Rosa to pick up your dry cleaning! Gabby, we're paying your tuition, you can't treat this house like a hotel! It's so ! I just wanna be on my own, I can take care of myself, I don't need them constantly doing stuff for me!
Friend: Yeah... So where were you thinking of moving?
JAP: I dunno, my dad said he might let me move into his apartment on 89th. Either that, or a partner at his firm is selling a co-op that he might buy for me. He said I can choose.

Blonde: I want a baby.
Brunette: You can't have a baby yet.
Blonde: Why?
Brunette: You just can't!
Blonde: What do you mean 'I just can't'? You're not the ruler of my vagina!

Guy #1: We could go by Mike's
Guy #2: Which Mike? Fun Mike or Shitty Mike?
Guy #1: I always forget which one is which with you.
Guy #1: Fun Mike always pays for everything... Shitty Mike always has no money and throws up.
Guy #2: You'd think I could keep that straight.

Guy: Excuse me, miss. Excuse me. Excuse me ! Woman,
Girl: Dude, I'm not a tourist.
Guy: Oh. Sorry.

20-something daughter: Mom, don't you think it's inappropriate to be drinking gin and tonics everyday before noon?
Mom: Oh, it's ok. I only drink in the mornings.

Skank: So, being Mormon, you don't have premarital sex right?
Mormon: Yeah, basically.
Skank: Oh...Nice talkin' to ya.
Mormon's friend: Wait! Come back!

Woman: I need to pick up my child from daycare, where would she be?
Security guard: What age group?
Woman: I think she's one.

Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.

Little girl: So if I don't take the pill, will I have to have a thousand babies?
Mom: No, that's not how it works.

Obese white trash wife in housewares aisle: If we had a real house, I'd decorate it like crazy.
Obese white trash husband: Yeah...

Girl #1: My worst fear is falling on a picket fence or getting eaten by a shark.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, well my worst fear is someone pushing me forward onto a blackboard and having my teeth scrape down the front. That would be awful.

Hobo: Spare some change?
Woman: Sorry, I don't like homeless people.

Frat boy: So are you gonna come out drinking tonight?
College girl: Uh no, I haven't been feeling so well, I'm allergic to rain I think.
Frat boy: Ummm, it's not raining.
College girl: Yeah, it must have been earlier or something.

Ghetto guy #1: Where were you?
Ghetto guy #2: I had to go sign some autographs.

Mother, pointing to a woman playing the musical saw: She is singing!
Son: No, She's playing the saw.
Mother: There is an orchestra playing!
Son: It is a tape.
Mother: And she is singing?
Son. No. She is sawing.: What did you say?
Son: Go, have a look.
Mother: .......
Son: And?
Mother: It's like singing.
Son: That's it, the saw.
Mother: What a nice voice she has!
Son: She is not singing. It's the saw that's singing.
Mother: No way... She is singing into the saw?
Son: No, no singing. Just sawing.
Mother: But she is opening her mouth.
Son: She is breathing.
Mother: Are you sure she is not singing?

Woman: I used to be delusional.
Friend: What was happening, were you medicated?
Woman: Oh yes, I had to be severely medicated. I thought I was going to marry Peter Jennings.
Friend: Was it hard for you when he died?
Woman: Actually, I was selfishly happy because I didn't have to worry about having delusions about him anymore.

Black 10-year-old girl: Mommy! Mommy! Can I get some ice cream?
Ghetto mom: I ain't gettin' you no ice cream. Ain't no holiday.
Black 10-year-old girl: Is so! It's the Jewish New Year!

Girl #1: So I felt really bad for him because he's 53 years old and just got fired from the one job he knows how to do. But then he got that horse and his life turned around.
Girl #2: I know, he has a large studio in Soho so it has plenty of room to run around, and now he no longer has to ride in cabs or subways.
Girl #1: Yeah. I should get a horse too.

Guy #1: Aww man, Anna Nicole's son died?
Guy #2: Dude, that happened like a week ago.
Guy #3: Ask him what happened on Dragonball Z last night and I bet he could tell you!
Guy #1: Naw man, I missed it yesterday!

Thug #1: Yeah man, there's some fucked up shit going on.
Thug #2: Word son, niggas killin' niggas.
White guy across the car: It's a win-win situation.

Teen girl: Mom, when did you get your period?
Mom: Don't use that word, call it

Bouncer: Your ID doesn't scan...
Drunk boy: Are you kidding? I paid extra for scanable.

Female singer: Sorry about the delay. I had to pee, so I went.
Guy in audience: What did she say?
Friend: She had to pee. And she went.
Guy in Audience: Ohhh man. That's awesome.

MTA conductor: Hey, get off the train or we're not moving. You can't play here.
Panhandler playing the violin: You're just jealous that I make more than you.

Girl: That Susan's such a whore.
Guy: Yeah, but wouldn't you be?
Girl: What?
Guy: You know, hypothetically, if you could get people to sleep with you.

20-something male tourist #1: Dude, there are so many restaurants around here.
20-something male tourist #2: Weird.

Ghetto boyfriend: You better shut the fuck up unless you want to get your ass whipped in front of all these White people!
Ghetto girlfriend goes to the next car. Ghetto boyfriend: But I'm still a G!

Very drunk suit: Hey, bartender! Do you know what a car bomb is?
Irish bartender: Yes, it's Spanish for, 'you're an asshole.'

Ana #1: I just did it to jump start my diet.
Ana #2: You smoked crack.
Ana #1: Just for a couple weeks, to lose the initial weight.
Ana #2: And then what did you do?
Ana #1: Now I just eat half an avocado a day.

Teen girl: That is not correct use of that word.
Teen Boy: Yes it is!
Teen Girl: You don't emit a noxious odor when you 'bifurcate'!

Girlfriend: Will you love me forever and ever?
Boyfriend: Yes, even if you broke up with me and shot me and cut me into little bits and set the bits on fire.
Girlfriend: I would never break up with you.

Meth addict #1: So... What kind of work you in?
Young woman, holding up name tag which says 'social worker': Social Work.
Meth addict #2: Where do you work?
Young woman: Planned parenthood
Meth addict #1: Shit. Can you find her kid? They got him in foster care.
Young woman: No, sorry. I don't work for child services. Contact your county officials and explain your situation to them.
Meth addict #2: Yeah I don't know where he is at. Can you get him?
Young woman: I work at Planned Parenthood. Sorry.
Meth addict #2: Just 'cause you're pretty you can't treat people like shit.
Young woman: Just because you do drugs doesn't mean you shouldn't brush your teeth.

Hobo #1: I am celibate!
Hobo #2: Yo, man, get over here!

Hipster #1: So, she comes back to the dorm alone and crying, and we're like 'What happened? Where did that guy go?' And she tells us that he got a ticket from a cop, for getting a blowjob in front of the UN!
Hipster #2: Is that, like, a different thing than getting a blowjob somewhere else?
Hipster #1: Well, he had an internship there or something. Maybe he got a discount!

Little girl #1: Guess what my mom told me that your mom told her the other day when we were playing? She had another baby before you and it died!
Little girl #2: No, my mom said that I'm the oldest.
Little girl #1: You are now 'cause the other one died. She died before she was even born!
Little girl #2: That's impossible! You can't die before you are born!
Little girl #1: Yes you can. You can die before you are born, while you are born, or after. You can die at any time and you don't even have to do anything bad.
Little girl #2: I don't want to play with you anymore.--Manhattan bound F train

Tourist girl: This is my day every day. I sleep until around 9:30 and I get up and I answer my emails. Then, I work for a couple of hours and then I watch The View . And then I eat lunch and I basically meditate and contemplate everything for a few hours. And then I watch , so I can cry my eyes out for all the poor people in Africa. Then I eat dinner and I go shopping with my parents at the mall.
New York girl: Wow. It sounds like a spa.
Tourist girl: Yes. My life is like a spa.

 merchandise peddler: Free tote bag with a purchase of a t-shirt!
Jewish father: How much is the t-shirt?
Rent merchandise peddler: $25.
Jewish father: Hell no! 25 bucks for a t-shirt?!
Jewish teenage son: Dad! Stop being such a Jew!

Guy #1: You should say excuse me!
Guy #2: I did say excuse me!
Guy #1: Oh...
Guy #2: What I should have said is 'Don't stand in front of the fucking doors!"

Drunk queer #1: Hey, let's get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don't have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That's alright. Papi will pay...if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?

Hipster boy: It's so weird. It's like, one day my girlfriend will be in a good mood, and the next day, bad mood. I don't get it!

Girl #1: I got kissed.
Girl #2: On your frickin' gyne-box?
Girl #1: Yep!
Girl #3: You guys were in there long enough!

Guy #1: What about my friend Beth that you met? She had a nice face.
Snotty guy #2: Oh, she had a rat face, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Little girl to her mother: You know what is ironic? That sign says, "Learn English."

Girl #1: My dad set up my laptop stuff.
Girl #2: Yeah, I don't know how to do it either, my boyfriend did mine.
Girl #3: I don't have a guy like that. I had to set up my computer by myself. It was hard, to like figure it out. I had to think. I felt like a guy.

Queer #1: You are so gay.
Queer #2: I am not gay! Why do people keep saying that?
Queer #1: Well, you made out with Robert, and you slept with Jimmy.
Queer #2: Robert kissed me, I didn't kiss him.

Teen girl: Yeah, everyone says I'm really bohemian.
Teen guy: Wait, I thought you were Mexican.--N train

Guy #1: So I said to her, 'Are you a him or a her?'
Guy #2: And she said?
Guy #1: Well, I guess she started taking the hormones already so she said she was a she.
Guy #2: Ok...
Guy #1: I mean I told her I didn't care, I just wanted to know which personal pronoun to use if I have to introduce her to someone.
Guy #2: Makes sense. How does she identify herself?
Guy #1: I asked her that. She said she is butch masculine. Whatever that means.

Young girl: Ummm...sir, would you like some help with those directions?
Crazy dude: Yes! Thank you.
Young girl: So you have to take this train to 42nd...
Crazy dude: What I need to know is, do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back of the train, to get the shuttle?
Young girl: It doesn't matter. You just ride this train to 42nd and you get off and look for the shuttle. It doesn't matter which car you're in.
Crazy dude: You see, I need to get my head fixed, and I need to know which car...
Conducter: Need some help?
Crazy dude: Yes, thank you. I need to get the shuttle at 42nd St. Do I have to be in the front of the train, or the back?
Conducter: In the middle.
Crazy dude: Thank you!

Hobo #1: Spare some change?
Wall Street woman: No, sorry.
Hobo #2: Nice camel toe!

Guy: He's kind of cute.
Girl: No he's not, I do not approve.
Guy: Whatever, I think he's a really interesting person.
Girl: Of course he's interesting. He's addicted to coke and he's a gay porn star and we know all of this about him and we've only known him for 5 minutes.

Girl: What do you think he would do if I pushed his cart over?
Hobo: Bitch, I don't care if you're a girl, I'll beat your ass.

Woman selling crap on side of road: Come on, let's go get high, so you can make love to me, so we can get something to eat. Come on.

Man: I think going to the gym really helps me get rid of stress.
Woman: And smoking pot. And the drinking.
Man: Yeah, well... Oh, and you -- you're at the top of the list.

Girl: So I swept everything into a pile and I walked away for like, a second, and when I come back this little Mexican girl and her mom are seriously dancing in this pile of garbage and totally fucking up my sweeping. Why would anyone do that?!
Guy: Dude, they were Mexican. Garbage is like water to them.

Older gay #1: Do you jerk off a lot?
Older gay #2: Yeah...
Older gay #1: Do you ever jerk off alone?

Little girl: Daddy, let's go in here!
Dad: No, that stuff's not for you.
Little girl: But mommy went in there!
Dad: It's a store for grown-ups.
Little girl: No it isn't! They have baby bottles!

Drunk hipster #1: Yeah...snort cum.
Drunk hipster #2: How could I snort cum? It's impossible!
Drunk hipster #1: Nothing is impossible.
Drunk hipster #2: But it's so sticky. I really don't think that's possible...unless maybe it was in powder form.
Drunk hipster #1: Wow! We're those guys on the train everyone wants to shut up.

Bostonian Girl: I need to get clothes for the city.
Bostonian Guy: What's wrong with what you have?
Bostonian Girl: Are you kidding? We're in New York City, you can't wear North Face in NYC. They'll be able to tell we're New Englanders from a mile away.

Customer You Greek?: Greek Orthodox.
Customer: So you're Greek.
Waitress: No, that's my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you're from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It's the former USSR. It's between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It's not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It's the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you'd better.

Street promoter: Yo, do you like rap music?
Teenage Tourist: I'm from the South.

Teen girl: Hi. Yes, hi. Excuse me. I know you don't know me but, what background are you from?
Teen boy: Ummm, why do you ask?
Teen girl: You look like an interesting mix and I really really want to know.
Teen boy: Ummm. Actually, I don't know.
Teen girl: You don't know? How come?
Teen boy: I was adopted.
Teen girl: Really? Wow! I don't know my real parents either! Ok, ok. That's not true. I just wanted to fit in.

Buzz Aldrin's wife: Every woman should control 75 to 90% of her husband's life.

Stoner: La la la babyyy hey hey! I lovee it today! All we wanna do is smoke weeed and get drunk and be CRAZZZYYYY! La la la!
Tourist teen to friend: See, this is why we should move to New York--we'd look like normal people here.

Guy #1: That tongue twister "Sally sells seashells at the seashore" is whacked. Why would you sell seashells at the seashore when you can just pick up seashells at the seashore for free?
Guy #2: Because it's nice and people are too lazy to look for a nice seashell in the seashore.
Guy #1: What will they do with a seashell? Just look at it?
Guy #2: You can listen to the ocean if you put it in the ear.
Guy #1: Why would I buy a seashell to listen to the ocean if I can listen to the ocean right there? It doesn't make sense, son.
Guy #2: I don't know. It's just a tongue twister, man. It's not supposed to make sense. Just like the pickle piper shit.

Girl:...Oh come on, it won't be that bad.
Guy: Fuck no! I am NOT fucking your sister!

Guy: They'll be so impressed that you'll eat dog shit without them even asking.
Girl: Will they really?
Guy: My friends actually pitched a show called America: Who Can Eat the Most Dog Shit?
Girl: What's that about?
Guy: Um... basically what it sounds like.
Girl: Well let them know there's human interest for that.

Hipster girl #1: It's moderately inappropriate to have sex in the living room when other people are there.
Hipster girl #2: Well, are you loud?

Girl #1: You're a geek, too. You took your Lord of the Rings action figures to the opening night of Return of the King , and you made them sit on your lap and watch the movie.
Girl #2: That wasn't me.
Girl #1: Oh yeah. That was me. But you like
Girl #2: Don't you have a crush on Muad'Dib?
Girl #1: Oh yeah.

Tween girl in hot-pants and tight shirt: I can't buy that. My mom doesn't let me wear baggy clothes.
Chick: I want hooker boots... but not in the heels. I want flats.
Conservative guy: The second smartest person in this country is Ann Coulter. And let me tell you, she looks in a pair of tight pants and Manolos at 2:30 in the morning.
Chick on cell: Well, then I don't feel so bad about going in a little vinyl skirt if you're just going to be wearing underwear.

Teenage bride-to-be on cell: ...yeah. But, no, I'm totally ready to walk across the aisle.
Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? woman? One woman? --42nd St & Madison
Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I'll show you! You don't have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!
Old woman to imaginary friend: I'd make a great wife, mothafucka!
Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?
Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn't sleep with your bridesmaids.
Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?

Elderly shopkeeper in the pouring rain: Hey! Hey, amigo! When you go home, don't take shower. You save money on bills.
Hobo: Man, I need a hundred dollars. Gimme a hundred dollars! I need Viagra.
Shrewd negotiator: You don't gimme da money, you not gonna get da baby.
Hobo to girl: Bitch, I don't want your money! Do look like want your money? I don't think so. You go and walk on. Bitch all be thinking I need her money. Why don't you go and spend it on yourself?! Those heels are about to break. [lowers voice] Bitch be all wearin' cheap heels and handin' me money.
Woman on cell: What?....Are you there??...We'll take New York back, and you better give me my fucking money!
Suit on cell: It's like, "No, homeless person, you can't have a quarter, I need money for resume paper."
Girl, joining friend: Sorry I'm late. I just made $100 across the street.

Hipster guy #1: It was ridiculous though, 'cause he had these glasses.
Hipster guy #2: Yeah?
Hipster guy #1: Yeah, and they were so ridiculous. They were nerdy, but not cool nerdy, they were like, ironic nerdy. You know?
Hipster guys #2 & #3: Yeah, totally.

Little girl to mom: I don't feel good.
Mom: Are you irregular? Constipated? Do you have diarrhea? Snot? Boogers? Fungus? Menopause? Post-partum depression? Pre-partum depression?...

Kid on floor of train, after being kicked by his friend: What? Are we there?
Drunk kid: Yeah, you looked so peaceful, I almost didn't want to kick you.

Tall thug, shaking Pepsi bottle: This shit will kill you. See all that acid and artificial coloring. Stays in your stomach.
Short ghetto chick: Yeah, I know, you're right.
Tall thug: You gotta drink water.
Short ghetto chick: Yeah.
Tall thug: See, me, I smoke a lot of weed and drink a lot of water.

Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!

Suburbanite: Excuse me, officer, how do I get to Grand Central?
Bored transit cop: You see that S train over there? Take it 2 stops.
Suburbanite: Thank you!

Guy: So how come we can't try butt loving?
Girl: I'm saving it for my husband.
Guy: Are you serious? That's like so...Victorian of you.--Soda Bar, Vanderbilt Ave, Brooklyn

Preppy guy #1: I hate geese shit on fields.
Preppy guy #2: It's not so bad. It's a good lubricant for when you slide-tackle people. You know, you just keep sliding...
Preppy guy #3: Dude, I can't remember the last time I jerked off using geese shit. It can't be that good a lubricant!

Mom: Zacky! Where your ass at?
Small boy: Nowhere.
Mom: Yeah it is!

Little girl, reading aloud: I went to Malibu. I was talking trash with Tom Collins.
Mom: Baby, I said I don't want to hear your poem today!

Drunk black girl: I get mad cheap shit in Chinatown. You can get shit for like ten cents. China knows what's up.
Drunk black guy: Shit. But they are communist and shit.
Drunk black girl: Yeah, but the U.S. is a bunch of idiots. They're like, "We are gonna make shit fuckin' expensive," and China is like, "FUUUCK YOUUU. We are gonna sell shit for like one dollar, and all you stupid white bitches gonna buy it up. Fuuuck youuu."

Lady #1: This stuff is really good. It has antidotes in it. It's good for your skin.
Lady #2: You mean ANTIOXIDANTS. An ANTIDOTE is a short story.

Queer #1: Ann and Leslie are here.
Queer #2: Shit, are they lesbians?
Queer #1: Yeah.
Queer #2: Uh, I'm a D.C. gay. I don't hang out with lesbians.

Mom: Why don't you go and help your uncle fix the car?
Young girl: Excuse me... I'm not a screwdriver and I'm not a mechanic.

Young man: I think you should have put LIFE and not LIVE on your sign.
Jesus freak, holding sign reading THROUGH JESUS WILL YOU FIND ETERNAL LIVE: Oh, thank you. Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?
Young man: No, I'm a dirty Jew. I'm going to hell.

Mother: Oh my god! I just saw a bird fly by the window! Isn't that neat?
Teen: Don't be ridiculous, Mom. Birds can't fly that fast. It was probably a bullet.

Girl: Gross. It smells like nasty pussy here.
Guy: How do you know what that smells like?
Girl: Uh... well, it's what I imagine it would smell like.

Anorexic dancer #1: Dude, so I only have to lose like, twelve more pounds.
Anorexic dancer #2: No way! I'll never get cast in the workshop performance if I don't break one hundred.
Anorexic dancer #1: Yeah, you should just give up now.

Boyfriend: Don't be mad.
Girlfriend: Don't be gay.

Girl: Where've you been? I haven't seen you in, like, a week?
Fat girl: Oh. I had a baby.
Girl: I didn't know you were pregnant.
Fat girl: Neither did I.

Queer #1: I'm stuffed.
Queer #2: Yeah. I'm not gonna put another thing in my mouth tonight unless it's a cock.

Gentile #1: I'm thinking he looks more like a rabbi. Can't you just picture the yarmulke on his head?
Gentile #2: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of wood.
Gentile #1: Clay!
Gentile #2: Clay? Oh, it is clay... see, that's what makes me not Jewish.
Gentile #1: Believe it or not, in Catholic school during Hanukkah they had us play dreidel games and eat latkes and stuff.
Gentile #2: That's very weird.
Gentile #1: Hey, it was better than reading the Bible.
Gentile #2: Touché.

Girl #1: Which Russian mystic man has his penis on display?
Girl #2: Stalin?

Guy #1: So are we gonna make out later? I'm going back to LA; we'll never have to see each other again.
Girl: No, I don't think so.
Guy #2: Yes! That's a maybe!--The Delancey, Delancey between Clinton & Attorney

Mother: When is the president coming by? My children want to see.
Police officer: Well, nobody will be able to see the president because we were told no one will be able to face the motorcade.

Girl: Fuckin' Teddy Roosevelt. Who gives a shit about Teddy Roosevelt? --5th & 10th
Biker: I heard George Bush was supposed to be here. Where the hell's that bitch nigga at? --World Trade Center
Professor: Madonna has the vulnerability of a cash register.
Girl on cell: She was definitely trying to get me mad. She's like, "Yeah, people in L.A. hate New Yorkers." And I'm like, "Are you saying this because I said your boyfriend looks like Chuck Norris?"

God freak: The Christians are praying and not killing. The Christians only kill once in two thousand years, or maybe a thousand years. Three hundred years. God will forgive you for killing a hundred men, but he will kill you because of the radio.
Chick on cell: You murdered him? Oh... you didn't. Well that's good. It would have been bad for your image.
Dude: Yo, don't be so angry while I kill everyone.
Bean-Lover: And I said, "Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o' pinto beans."
B&T girl: I want that exact kind of relationship. Except for, like, the whole mass murdering thing.
Professor: Why kill yourself when you can just steal someone else's idea?
Woman on cell: Do you know how many executions I've been to over the last year?...5.

Woman on cell: ...and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached into the toilet and squeezed it to make sure it wasn't a baby... --13th & Broadway
Creative genius: Just imagine if I had a tampon gun!
Woman on cell: Well, you can't just go handing out sanitary napkins to !
Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was going for it, and I was like, "No, baby, I can't tonight," and he was like, "Why?" and I was like, "I got today," and he was like, "Aww, then nothing for a whole week!"

Hot chick: What's the use of having penis-shaped cake pans if you're not going to put them to use at least once a year?
Careful planner: Now we have to get it out of your pocket and onto your penis.
Guy on cell: So, how many inches do you think I am?
Teen boy, looking into sex shop: Ooohhh...they got the dick pump!

Young woman, looking at book jacket: Wow. This kind of reminds me of my relationship.
Woman, to man she's just kissed: What was your name again? --2nd St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: My wife is driving me crazy! She keeps following my girlfriend around! Wait, hold on, I have to take this call. Hello...Yeah I just stepped out of the office for a few minutes... Thanks, honey, you're the best.
Girl on cell: He liked me too much, so I fuckin' dumped him.

Pilot: Attention, passengers... this is your pilot from the flight deck. We've just been given notice that we're now number two for takeoff, so we should be getting off the ground in just a moment... so if you could all do me a favor and make sure that all your windows are rolled up, because we're about to go really really fast. Thanks for your patience. --JFK
Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain will be dimming the cabin lighting for the remainder of the flight in order to enhance the appearance of the person sitting next to you. Individual lights are located above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the person sitting next to you. --JetBlue
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just going to power off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like control-alt-delete on your computer. --LaGuardia
Flight attendant: Wow, that pilot really doesn't know how to fly!

Tranny: Girl, you gotta keep that penis. --Midtown
Chick on cell: I like the idea of having a penis.
Woman: Unless they're gay, in which case you should just pretend I said instead of But it's all still true. --47th & 8th
Man on cell: Everyone is asking me if I'm a lesbian this week. What is that about?
Woman to co-worker: So he has all girls as daughters.
Queer: God, I either need to fuck a boy or a trannie tonight!

Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don't drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink 'til you go blind. Have a nice evening. --Metro North, Grand Central
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.
Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you're not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.
Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!

Chick on cell: Why did you tell dad about that?...Well, he was going to find out sooner or later when he saw me on the website. --Union Square
Catholic school girl on cell: Danny, it's me. I have some bad news. We're on a break. Call me back when you get this message....[Hangs up and redials] Maria! What am I going to do about my MySpace?!
Blonde on cell: Seriously, I love you, but...Seriously...Seriously, you're an asshole. You're a dick! Why didn't you just tell me the fucking truth!...Well, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I posted those pictures on MySpace, but...Well, be a fucking man about it and tell me the fucking truth then!...Seriously, I love you.
Loud guy on cell: So how do I get this done? Do I go on the internet or something?... I want to be able to print my own bounty hunter license .
Suit: When I was working for my old company, all we would do is download porn.

Father to daughter: Girl, whatchu doing? You tryin'a go to cross the bridge? You tryin'a go to Brooklyn? You want some cheesecake? Some crack?
NYU social planner: I wanted to get all the freshmen out of the city for a little so I took them to Brooklyn.
Girl on cell: I'm not going to Brooklyn sober!
Woman on cell: So are you in town this weekend or in Brooklyn?
Chick: Do you know the rules for being in Brooklyn?
Bill Batson: It's like the Native Americans all over again. Brooklynites, we're indigenous. And now Manhattan wants Manifest Destiny.
Little boy: I'm not going to Brooklyn! It's stupid!

Woman on cell, wearing fuchsia catsuit and clutching stuffed parrot: I'm on the corner of Broadway and 69th in a ridiculous outfit. --69th & Broadway
Preppy guy: Is there a philosopher named Kenneth Cole? Because there is this huge billboard with his quote on it. --Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Rivington between Norfolk & Essex
Girl: Do they even have Prada in Boston? They just have baked beans and Benjamin Franklin, and he's dead. --Stanton & Orchard

Hobo: If you see an unattended bag or package, please report it to the nearest New York Police Officer or MTA worker. If one is not around, tell me. I'll open that shit up.
British tourist: But there were two Empire State buildings, right? That fell?
Lady to nervous woman: Can I ask you a question? I ain't a terrorist or nothin'. I'm from New Haven.
British bloke: You mean they don't have any missiles here, in Manhattan?

Boy #1: Wow, cake is God.
Boy #2: So you're eating God, then.
Boy #3: How very Catholic of you.

Woman: What hotel are you staying at?
German tourist: I'm not staying at a hotel. I'm staying at a hostel.
Woman: We're gonna do it in a hostel?

Hipster girl #1: Yeah, but each time you inhale one, you kill, like, one hundred brain cells.
Hipster girl #2: Really?
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, I used to do a whole carton at a time.

Guy #1: So where can I kill someone and not get in trouble?
Guy #2: I don't know.
Guy #1: What about the ocean?

Woman: Oh, would you like to get by?
Japanese tourist: Yes, thank you.
Woman: You're very welcome...[to friend] Got that bitch outta my hair.

Columbia girl #1: So wait, he cheated on his mistress??
Columbia girl #2: Nooooo, he cheated on his with his mistress.
Columbia girl #1: Oh, I was confused.--116th & Amsterdam

Blind date boy: So how long was your ex on the job?
Blind date girl: Well, he's been a cop for three years, but he still lives with his parents because of how little cops get paid.
Blind date boy: Cops get paid shit in the beginning.
Blind date girl: Well, he was making a lot more before, you know...
Blind date boy: Oh yeah, being a drug dealer.

Mother, pointing at poster: Now, who has a hat?
Toddler: Keith Richards.
Mother: Yes, Keith Richards has a hat. Good observation!

Woman: You on the buses?
Girl: Yes.
Woman: You can't trust nobody on buses. 'Specially when you sleepin'. You know how to hide yo' money, girl?
Girl: In my pocket?
Woman: No. In yo' pussy an' yo' ass. Ain't nobody touchin' yo' pussy without you noticin'!

Girl: He's way too intense for me.
Guy: How so?
Girl: He likes poetry, and his MySpace page is totally black and stuff.

Girl #1: So what do you see in him?
Girl #2: Well, he sorta reminds me of Brian, from Family Guy. Y'know, the dog?
Girl #1: You can NOT date somebody on that basis!
Girl #2: But he's adorable... I am NOT a pedophile!

Zaftig female usher: I'm trying so hard to lose weight, but I'm having the hardest time!
Obese female usher: You have to cut out sugar. That's what I do.

Girl #1: You look really smart today.
Girl #2, with hand tucked in armpit: I look really smart? Why, because I'm putting corn starch on my wet parts?

Woman: When I was a kid, we never called people 'cunt.' It wasn't insulting enough. But if you called someone a 'twat,' now you're using fighting words.
Man: But that's not true most places.
Woman: Brooklyn's not most places.

Black guy #1: It ain't Halloween until you hit the ground.
Black guy #2 to friend trying to help a drunken princess: Don't touch the white girl!

Black customer: Give me a yellow cash card, my brother.
Middle Eastern owner: What'd you call me?
Black customer: I said 'my brother.'
Middle Eastern owner: No, no, no. We are different.
Black customer: No, we're not -- we all come from the same place. We have the same blood.
Middle Eastern owner: No, your blood is black -- your blood is shit.
Black customer: No, my blood is blue just like yours. Besides, if I don't come here to your store to spend money, how are you going to afford the bombs to blow up buildings?

Girl #1: But what exactly does that mean, 'Doesn't shit where he eats'? I'll kick his ass...
Girl #2: It means 'not dating someone you work with.'
Girl #1: Oh, okay. I thought he was saying my pussy smells bad...

Hipster thug #1: Yo, you never worked a day of construction in your life, son.
Hipster thug #2: I dabbled.

Girl #1: So, he told me that I had the prettiest pussy he had ever seen.
Girl #2: Ew! What did you say?
Girl #1: I said, 'Thank you.' My mother told me to always take a compliment gracefully.

Girlfriend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don't want to be gay! I just wanna be a woman.

Father: So, what are you going as for Halloween?
Daughter: A Hooters girl. I needed a costume where my breasts could be an accessory.
Father: Ah, makes a father proud.

Teacher #1: What do they want me to do with my students? They expect me to be able to teach them and they are always late or absent.
Teacher #2: Yeah, my students are always getting shot or something and then they want special treatment and a make-up test.
Teacher #1: Yeah, I know what you mean -- they must be gang members.

Girl #1: My brother drives between Alaska and Colorado once a year. It's a really long drive.
Girl #2: Wait... I thought Alaska wasn't connected to America.
Guy: It's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: So, there's like, a bridge?
Guy: No. It's to Canada.
Girl #2: No, it's not! It's an island. Canada breaks up over there.
Guy: I swear to god, it's connected to Canada.
Girl #2: No!

Teen girl #1: Is it weird that I'm usually more horny when I'm on my period?
Teen girl #2: No. I am, too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, it's really icky to masturbate, though, because blood and shit gets everywhere.
Woman on bicycle right behind them, trying to get past: Um, excuse me.

Passenger: Have you ever run anyone over?
Cabbie: No. Do you want me to try it right now?

Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn't a fart because it didn't smell, and... It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it's called a 'quip.'
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that's not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's saying his name is 'Queef' or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No... Oh, lord. The sound, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Who's a 'queef'? What's going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he's telling us he's gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I'm not... What? That's 'queer,' you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here's some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I'm homeless to you? I'm wearing fucking YSL over here... I ain't queer and I ain't homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend's dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word...
Bimbo tourist #1: I'm not following... Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don't know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: ... I'm not fucking crazy
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren't, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I'm gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was...
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can't you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway's comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: ... Last time I ever take a subway... Unbelievable shit I put up with... Fucking Civics... Unreliable fuckers...

Girl: Mom, I was just watching a TV show, and guess who has your car?
JAP mom: Who?
Girl: P. Diddy!
JAP mom: Ewww, gross!

Tween #1: You wanna abort this conversation?
Tween #2: What? Why?
Tween #1: Because we're arguing whether 'haha' or 'l-o-l' is funnier than 'l-m-a-o.'

Southern college girl #1: We're just conversing over here.
Southern college girl #2: The word is 'conversate.' 'Converse' is a shoe!

Hick tourist #1: Why don't we get off at the next stop... Bow Ray? Bow Ray?
Hick tourist #2: Bowery. --Brooklyn-bound J train, approaching Canal St

Black dude on cell: So I got her pregnant. And she wanted me to care and shit, and I was like, 'I'm a street nigga!' And you know what I'm sayin', 'cause you're one, too. I didn't want to be a father. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit -- all mugly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lacing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.

Kid: I've never been to New York City before!
Mom: You live in New York City. This is Manhattan, but you live in New York City.
Kid: Well, I mean I've never been to New York before.

Fashionista #1: Oh my god, look -- white pants after Labor Day -- so trashy.
Fashionista #2: Ew. Yeah.
Fashionista #1: When is Labor Day, anyway?
Fashionista #2: I don't know.

Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man -- 300 percent!
Pope: So I'll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let's have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let's get high.

Chick: I think James* hit on me but I'm scared because I don't know what his orientation is.
Dude: He's Caucasian.

Hipster girl on cell: Kim, I'm such a spaz! I forgot it was Wednesday, and I forgot I was supposed to meet you for lunch. So I'm on the Upper East Side and --
Black guy yelling: No, you ain't! You at Union Square, bitch!
Hipster girl on cell: --Sorry. I'm on the Upper East Side and I don't have time to go downtown right now.

Boyfriend: What are you looking for?
Girlfriend, looking at signs above aisles: 'Rectal.'

Girl: You can totally wait until Christmas break to have your baby.
Eight months preggers: Are you high?

Chick: Look, I didn't paint my toenails red after you made that comment.
Guy: Good, because the only girls who do that are selling their ass on the street.

Woman: See, now we've missed our train.
Little girl: Well it's not my fault, it's yours.
Woman: Of course, just like everything else.
Little girl: Especially global warming.

Little kid: What does this say? What does this say?
Nanny holding a card: It says right here, 'Children must behave in here.'
Little kid: Oh man, this means that we have to behave now!

Mom: Stop scratching yourself down there. Don't do that in public.
Toddler: I can't help it if my labia itches!

Frat boy #1: Dude, are you Karl Marx?
Frat boy #2: Nah, bro. I'm a porn star.

Eastern European girl: Jimmy* is a dirty boy.
Asian girl: Really? Why is Jimmy a dirty boy?
Eastern European girl: He said dirty things to me online.
Asian girl: He said dirty things to you online? Like what?
Eastern European girl: I don't want to talk about it right now.
Asian girl: Does he make you uncomfortable?
Eastern European girl: Yeah, sometimes he does -- like, when he tells me to send him pictures of myself with my shirt off.
Asian girl: Does it make you scared?
Eastern European girl: No, I just don't have any pictures of myself with my shirt off.
Asian girl: Then why don't you take some?
Eastern European girl: I don't know.
Asian girl: You know what? I'll help you. I'll go to your house right now and take some pictures of you with your shirt off, and then you can send them to Jimmy, okay?
Eastern European girl: Okay.

Student: I don't know why, but I've been thinking about this a lot, and maybe you could, like, help me out and clear this up or whatever. So, what about death and stuff?
Philosophy professor: That's a great segue...

High school girl #1: So he is definitely going to turn out gay.
High school girl #2: Come He is not going to be gay. You just think that because he is a nice, well-dressed boy.
High school girl #1: Um, exactly.
High school girl #2: Well, he is Asian! All the guys in Asia wear makeup!
High school girl #1: Stop talking. He's only half-Asian. And gay.

Teacher: If you were convicted of murder, who would you send to ride to the king to get a pardon?
Student: A rider.
Teacher: Can you spell that? Do you mean a 'writer'?
Student: R-I-D-E-R -- someone who is good with horses.
Teacher: So what is important is his sportsmanship?
Student: Maybe a servant? A friend of the king?
Teacher: What is one of the oldest professions?
Student: A prostitute?
Teacher: A lawyer!

Girl: Do you think I should have a party?
Mother: No, no one would come.
Girl: Why not?
Mother: Because you smell.

Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can't talk that much either 'cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn't she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That'd only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, 'cause, I mean, who's ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?

Biotech: Does anybody want my college brochures? I got them today, but I'm not going to any of them, so does anybody want them?
Queer: Yeah, I want them.
Biotech: You can't have them. They're all about all-girl schools. You're not a girl, so you can't have them.
Queer: Come on! Let me have them!
Biotech: No! To go to this school you have to have a vagina, and unless you have a sex change in the next three months, you're going to miss the deadline anyway!
Queer: Just let me have them!
Biotech: Oh yeah! I forgot! You do have a vagina!
Queer: Oh yeah? Well, were born with a
Biotech: A
Queer: Only because your dad is a horse!
Biotech: I guess you'd know because your mom is always riding him!
Queer: Just let me see the college brochures.

Chick in stall: Would you ever eat cereal out of my mouth?
Friend in next stall: Well, if I had that background music... Yeah, sure.

Teacher: Do you know who the Evangelists were?
Student: Weren't they, like, God's bitches?

Man, while snatching last seat on train: Sorry lady, I got a broken foot.
Lady: So? I've got a broken heart.

White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.

Hipster #1: He was just ghetto. I walked in and there were Mountain Dew bottles on every surface. Ghetto.
Hipster #2: Mountain Dew is ghetto?

Black dude: Word, son. It didn't rain the whole time I was in California. No rain for a whole month. There was sun and clouds -- you would love it. The roads are crazy -- driving there is mad good, yo. They're all big and you can speed and the cops won't pull you over because there is so much other illegal-- well they got all those illegal aliens, the eses and pisanos.
Friend: Word?
Black dude: But they don't have stop signs. Like, you know, in New York they got those big red stop signs, but in California it's all written on the floor.

Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, 'Ashley' is a popular American name.
Ghetto girl #2: The only girls I know named 'Ashley' are skinny white bitches.
Skinny white girl sitting next to them: Uh, that's name.

Dude: I haven't had sex in a year.
Chick: Really?
Dude, entering crowded subway: I'm gonna cum in five seconds.

Grade school girl #1: Why are you so upset?
Grade school girl #2: People at school think I like boys! Do you know what that does to my reputation?!

Biotech: Me and all my sisters went to that bitch's house.
Friend: Did you all fight?
Biotech: My sister was like, 'You're not fighting, you're having a baby!' I told her, 'What the fuck? I'm killing it tomorrow.'

Ghetto kid #1: Yo, Cam'ron be doin' some gay shit!
Ghetto kid #2: Nah, but he always calls 'no homo' so it's aight.
Ghetto kid #1: So if Cam'ron asked you to suck his dick 'no homo,' would you?
Ghetto kid #2: Well, if he called 'no homo...'

Slutty girlfriend: You're too thick for me to properly give you head, though.
Moron boyfriend: You callin' me stupid?

Stoner dude #1: Dude, I wonder why they call it 'Starbucks...' It's not, like, in the shape of a star.
Stoner dude #2: I don't know. Let's leave and get stoned.
Stoner dude #1: I'm up for that.

Arab cabbie yelling at man on bike: Motherfucker!
Woman on side of road: Nice language, towel-head!

Stoner dude #1: Which way is it?
Stoner dude #2: Hold on. Hold on ! I need to grapple with the political implications of this pickle.

Guy #1: What was that guy trying to sell you on?
Guy #2: Judaism.
Guy #1: Oh.

Old lady #1: Oooh, I'm so cold on this bus! That's why I have to wear this sweatshirt.
Old lady #2: Well, I just wanna know when my heatwave's gonna end. I'm going through the changes.

Stoner #1: I'm drunk. And I am high.
Stoner #2: I know you are. But... what am I?
Both stoners:

Hispanic male hospital worker: You know what women hate? When men take forever and a day to finish. Let's say the average woman likes five minutes of sex, but he keeps going and going and thirty minutes later she's thinking, 'Hey, let's watch TV.'
Indian virgin hospital worker: We only like it for five minutes?

Metal chick: Why is it that everyone who goes away to college loves Dave Matthews Band or O.A.R.?
Friend: I don't know, but they both suck.
Metal chick: That's why I left school. I fucking hate Dave Matthews Band.

Black guy #1: Yo man, I hate when it's fucking raining like this.
Black guy #2: Yeah, that's why we got this blunt.
Together: Yeah!

Female coworker: So, does your son have dark hair like you?
Male coworker: No, he has sort of sandy hair -- like a cross between me and his mom, Lisa.
Female coworker: Oh.
Male coworker: But, you know, he has big nipples like Lisa.

Boy: Oh man, my foot really hurts.
Mom: Well maybe if you weren't such a dumbass it would get better.

Woman: Yeah, you know, my oldest son's father wasn't circumcised.
Friend: Really?
Woman: Yeah.
Friend: What'd it taste like?

Ghetto cashier #1: Hey! Let me read the horoscope!
Ghetto cashier #2, reading The Daily News: The horoscope says it's going to rain today and be really cold.
Old man: And that it's a good day to die.

Small, nervous boy: Mom, what's necrophilia?
Harried mother: Jesus Christ! I told you not to hang around Uncle Gary unless there's another adult with you!
Small, nervous boy: I didn't! My daddy was there, too!
Harried mother: Oh my god. We're moving back to the Island.

Man: So, like, what's up with her?
Woman: She is sooo a narcist!
Man: What's that?
Woman: When, like, you're happy to see people in pain.
Man: Oh, yeah. She's a total narcist.

Dude #1, looking at attractive girl walking a dog: I want to be a dog.
Dude #2: Me too.

Seated old guy gesturing across the street to young couple kissing: Why do they keep doing that? They do that every morning!
Old guy walking by: Yeah?
Seated old guy: Every morning!
Old guy walking by: Bah, humbug!

Gaggle of black girls shriek on street.
Hipster girl #1: Ew, what happened?
Hipster girl #2: Slavery was abolished.

Teen boy #1: Yo, we should go to the bellydancing tree-house today.
Teen boy #2: I hope you meant tryouts.

Chick #1: What'd you do today?
Chick #2: Contemplated suicide.
Chick #1: Who are you?

Prep #1: I can't believe he cheated on her! That sucks!
Prep #2: I know. It sucks so bad, it's practically ridiculous. I can't think of anything worse than that.
Hobo: I can! The Holocaust!

Man: All I'm saying is that if Jesus was beautiful on the inside, he was beautiful on the outside, so I know he had ladies looking at him.
Bimbette #1: Well, I know everything began in Africa.
Bimbette #2: That's right. You know they have the indentation in Africa where the devil landed? They built a church over it to try to make it holy. I saw it on The Exorcist.

Teen boy: I know, all she does is complain about how none of her clothes fit her anymore.
Teen girl: Well, didn't anyone warn her?
Teen boy: About what?
Teen girl: That when you are sixteen and pregnant, you get fat.

Girl #1: Ha ha ha. Who said that? Stewie Griffin, right?
Girl #2: No, Kim Jong-il! Oh my god!
Girl #1: I've never been more ashamed of myself.

Guy #1: Yo, you know that girl Maria?
Guy #2: Which one, the one with the fucked-up eyes or the one with the fucked-up hair?
Guy #1: The one with the fucked-up bug eye.
Guy #2: What about her? Did you fuck her?
Guy #1: That's right, I fucked her. Boom, boom!

Father: What is your favorite color?
Son, sitting in cart: Um...Pink!
Father: No! It's black or maybe blue.

Teen girl, eating a lollipop: They could have, like, drugs in them!
Other girl: They're not going to give out drugs!

Woman #1: No, fingering is third base. Blow jobs don't have a base.
Woman #2: Wait. Blow jobs don't have a base?
Woman #1: Nope. That's how we roll in Jersey.

Blonde Teen: So I'm taking that religion class.
Brunette Teen: Oh yeah? The one where you read the Bible right?
Blonde teen: Yeah that one. And get this, we are about to start reading the Book of Proverbs.
Brunette Teen: Oh My God! I didn't know the Bible had a grammar section.
Blonde Teen: Me neither!!
Brunette Teen: Oh man, I bet it totally tells you how to speak like God... Except properly, you know?
Blonde Teen: [Gasp] I bet it totally does.
Brunette Teen: Ugh! I wish I had taken that class.

Long Island JAP #1: Are all New York City girls drug-addict whores?
Long Island JAP #2: Yeah, but so are girls from Long Island. There's really no difference.
Random Upper East Side JAP: Oh my god, can I just interject for a second here? Long Island girls and New York City girls are the same thing. It is not okay to wear Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts, and we're all addicted to drugs because we don't have gross Long Island weed and coke that is ninety-nine percent baking soda. And we're whores because we're like a thousand times hotter than you'll ever be, even when we're not wearing makeup. Plus, I don't like this.
Long Island JAP #1: Wow, that was, like, seriously uncalled for.
Upper East Side JAP: Yeah well, I'd rather cut off my own arms than live in Long Island. Also, I'm just high, so don't really pay attention to me.

Hobo: I need you to stop here. I need to get off and wash my pants. There has been a sexual release in my pants!

Guy: Just look! Look behind us! There's nobody! I just bought coke. Look, just give me 20 back and I'll leave you alone all night. I swear. I don't go to F.I.T. I go to West Point.

Dude: You may think you've never even met anyone like him, but in reality you've never even heard of anyone like him.
Intrigued girl: Uh-huh... Totally.

Ghetto guy: Why I be so ashy?
White chick: It's because you're black, right?

Clipboard harasser: Hey there!
Guy, noting sticker on clipboard: 'Mean people suck,' huh?
Clipboard harasser: Would you like to talk about Greenpeace?
Guy: Sorry. I only care about money.

Asian guy: No, that was some pretty diarrhea. Did you see it?
Mexican guy: It was crazy, man. Wooo.
Asian guy: It was pretty diarrhea. Really.
Mexican guy: So pretty. We don't got that shit in Mexico.

Woman, leaning over toddler: Do you love me?
Toddler: No.

Yuppie mother #1: And it's gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk to anyone who doesn't own their own brownstone.
Yuppie mother #2: I know, I know.

Ghetto boy #1: My boy ain't getting no pussy. No pussy at all.
Ghetto boy #2: And the pussy that he is getting is pussy!

Girl #1: Didn't Tupac kill himself?
Girl #2: Ummm, definitely not. He was shot.
Girl #1: Oh. That's unfortunate.

Little boy: Are you from Florida?
Southern man: No, Tennessee, why?
Little boy: You sound like a cowgirl.
Southern man: I really don't think Florida has any cowgirls.
Little boy: Well, you still sound like one.

Boy #1: Oh shit, that's where they filmed Home Alone 2 look!
Boy #2: What the fuck? what you talking about?
Boy #1: The hotel. The little white kid stayed at this hotel and shit.
Boy #2: What a fag.
Boy #1: Fuck you.

Girl: Oh my God, that's what a smoker's lung looks like?
Guy #1: Whoa... Yeah, I guess it is. Look, that's what a cancerous lung looks like.
Girl: That is .
Guy #1: Really is.
Guy #2: Putrid. Absolutely grotesque.
Guy #1: Really makes you think twice about smoking. I really need a cigarette.

Hospital coffee shop counter guy: Missed you yesterday.
Hospital clerk: Yeah, you didn't see me yesterday. I was in the emergency room. Patient swung at me with a cane. So I threw a metal stapler at her. I got stressed when I threw that stapler, yeah. So I went to the emergency room. We need partitions, man.

Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm going to be a father? I'm going to be a father.
Class: Awww!
Professor: I had a little accident. Now I have to get married.

Guy #1: You know what the best thing ever is?
Guy #2: No, what?
Guy #1: When you wake up in the morning and have absolutely no idea what happened the night before or how you got home.
Guy #2: Ummm, not so sure that is the best.

Guy, staring at girl: You look like someone I know.
Girl: It's me.
Guy: Oh, hi Alexis. You look different at eight in the morning.

Suit: You know any good bars around here?
Nerd: No. This area is too cool for me.

Chick #1: Dude, everyone's popping out babies these days. JLo, TomKat, Britney. It's like they're the new fucking accessory.
Chick #2: Yeah, who wants a fucking baby anyway? You just turn into a fatass with stretch marks and saggy tits with a screaming infant who no one wants to be around.
Very pregnant passenger: I'm due in two weeks.
Chick #1: Aww! Is it a boy or a girl?

Thug boy: He's a really nice guy.
Thug girl: No, he cheated on Betty twice!
Thug boy: True.

Teen girl: Did you just call me insurgent?
Teen boy #1: Haha. Yeah.
Teen girl: What does that even mean, yo?
Teen boy #2: It's like a terrorist or something.

French woman: You like men?
French man: Yes.
French woman: That means you are gay?
French man: Yes.
French woman: There must be a defect in your genes.

College kid #1: So basically I didn't jerk off for a week so I could bust a huge load in her mouth. Have you ever done that?
College kid #2: Yeah, but never purposefully.

Woman: Damn, that model has the smallest penis I've ever seen!

Thug #1: Like when I was on the bus the other day and one of them sat down next to me and I looked up and was like oh shit, it's a he-bitch. I had to get up 'cause I didn't want him to touch me.
Thug #2: Yeah man, I feel you, I wouldn't want no he-bitch sittin' next to me either.

Guy #1: I have been thinking some deep shit recently.
Girl #1: Yeah, I mean, me too.
Girl #2: Me too.
Girl #3: Me too.

Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I'm going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin'.

Suit on cell: So, what do you want to eat?
Hobo: I'd like some shrimp lasagna, that's what I want to eat!

Punk: How long have you had them?
Queer with three Greyhounds: Oh different times. They all come from abusive breeders and abusive owners and we take them in.
Punk: They're so beautiful. I'd totally abuse them.

Girl: Ok, let's name some idioms.
Guy: I don't know what you're talking about, but you go first.
Girl: Ok. 'Hit the hay.'
Guy: 'Suck the dick.'
Girl: Ummm...

Wangsta teen: Move, nigga, or I'll cut you with my knife!
Tween girl #1: Oh my God! He said the 'n' word!
Tween girl #2: Knife?

Gangsta, trying to sell his rap album: Yo ma, you like hip hop?
Girl: I dabble.

Customer: That guy? He was in a production of Fiddler on the Roof with me!
Bartender: Really? I thought he had Tourette's!
Customer: Oh, he does.

Preschool girl: W W W.
Helpful Mom: Dot.
Preschool girl: WWW dot porn!

Ghetto chick: We gotta take down the white man, one at a time.Like that one!
Ghetto guy: I don't know. He's mad tall.
Ghetto chick: You right, you right. We'd need mad rope.

Bimbettte, looking at a painting of Joan of Arc: Oooh, that's so pretty!
Boyfriend: Did you see the movie?
Bimbette: Yeah, didn't she die or something?

Girl: Is this a real rock, or was it, like, grown in a laboratory?
Professor: It's real.

Guy #1: Shut up! Why are you so obsessed with sombreros? Every time I talk to you it's sombreros, sombreros, sombreros!
Guy #2: Isn't this, like, the first time we've ever talked?
Guy #1: Yeah, and it's about sombreros, isn't it?

Ghetto man: A groopie ain't nothin' but a high-class ho.
Ghetto woman: Please, a groopie is a ho with standards.
Ghetto man: Whatever, a groopie's no different than a prostitute. But I respect a prostitute 'cause she don't keep it a secret. A prostitute will fuck you for a happy meal. A happy meal! Not even a value meal!
Ghetto woman: Well, maybe all she wants is a happy meal.
Ghetto man: Yeah, for the toy!

Kids: Come on, dad!
Dad: Wait! Don't go until the bloody hand goes away.

Girl: Is Beirut the same thing as Beer Pong?
Guy: What?
Girl: Beirut. Is it the same thing as Beer Pong?
Guy: Beer what?
Girl: Beer Pong.
Guy: Beer Pong?
Girl: Yeah. I feel like Beirut isn't a real sport.
Guy: Oh, is Beirut a sport?
Girl: I don't think so. I think it's like Beer Pong.
Guy: Oh, I always thought it was a country.

Teen girl #1: What are going to be for Halloween again? A snake or somethin'?
Teen girl #2: I don't know. All I know is, it's gonna be tons of mad tight leather and vinyl.
Teen girl #1: Oh, yeah.

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what's our situation?
Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?
Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you ... want me to come up?
Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I'd go home with you tonight?

Guy: What is that on your sandal?
Girl: It is a butterfly! What, you don't know your animals?

Suit #1: how we can get people to join us on the safari! We'll say, 'come on our safari and bring back your own little Namibian!'
Suit #2: That reminds me, do you have the M&Ms?

Tourist man: And then we can go in there and get raped.
Tourist woman: Yeah. Let's go get murdered in Central Park.

Young woman #1: We are getting to the age where we are gonna start to need us some Botox.
Young woman #2: I ain't puttin' no cow urine in face!
Young woman #1: Ummm, it is not cow urine.
Young woman #2: Oh, yeah, I mean horse.

Female employee: So I think my old coworker might be a widower!
Male employee: That's so ! I want to write a poem about it.

Little girl in sushi restaurant: Hey! Guess what? I just farted! Mom and dad ignore her.
Little girl: I I just farted! And I farted big! Ewwww! And it smells like rotten eggs! Wanna smell? Little girl lets one rip.
Mother to father: So how was your day?

Teen girl: I'm not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit... One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god... seriously?

Suit: I wouldn't want to tangle with you, bitch.
Ghetto girl: I can't believe you just called me a bitch. That is so offensive!
Suit: Don't be so uptight. In the city, bitch is just a generic term for female. If I wanted to offend you I would have called you a cunt. So chill.

College chick throwing down Waiting for Godot: I just don't get this play at all.
College dude: You want me to teach you to play Minesweeper?

Camp leader: Okay, everyone. I think we should all meet at five behind the naked cowboy.
New Yorker camper: John, the naked cowboy is a man.

Flight attendant on intercom: If you need any additional lighting, just reach up and press the grey button above your seat. Passenger presses the 'Call attendant' button.
Flight attendant: That wasn't the grey button.

Chick #1: I'm starving.
Chick #2: I haven't eaten all day.
Chick #1: Do you have issues with food?
Chick #2: No, not really. Well, I tried throwing up after eating for a while, but I wasn't really into it.
Chick #1: So, what do you do now?
Chick #2: I just don't eat.

Black New Yorker guy and two white tourist ladies have a lengthy conversation about different places to visit in NYC.
Black guy: Okay, ladies, this is my stop. Bye!
White tourist lady #1: Bye! Have a great day! [To friend, as man departs at Astor Place] I didn't feel threatened by him at all. He was actually a very nice man.

Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys' side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know -- how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?

Chick #1: Hey! Do you know Stanley?
Chick #2: Stanley...? No.
Chick #1: You know -- he was an aircraft!
Chick #2: What?
Chick #1: That the Russians put into space!
Chick #2: You mean... Sputnik?
Chick #1: Stanley, Sputnik, whatever...

Chick: I bet he's fuh-reaky in the sack.
Friend: Definitely.
Chick: No... Like fuh- ... Like, not like normal freaky, how everyone needs to get it once in a while, but, like, weird freaky -- like pulling up your pants and finding the closest exit. Did I ever tell you about the ice cream?
Friend, laughing: No!
Chick: This one time he was like, 'Let's have some fun' and decided to tie me up. And then to, like, build anticipation or whatever, he went and got a bowl of ice cream.
Friend: Shut up!
Chick: I'm serious... And then I guess my damn cat decided he wanted a snack, too!
Friend, hysterical: Shut up! I can't breathe!

Dude: Do you mean the guy you threw up on?
Chick: Yeah, but not the frat boy, the other one.

Cabbie: Where-to, lady?
Confused tourist: The Statue of Liberty.

Teen girl #1: I didn't know Where's Waldo? could be considered a controversial book.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, because, like... some people can't find him.

Man: Excuse me, what are you all standing on line for?
Woman: Hot, lesbian sex.

Columbia chick: ... And what I'm really interested in studying is how computers are for us what slaves were to 19th century slaveholders.
Columbia dude: That's very interesting.
Columbia chick: I mean, the way we treat them like commodities...

Crackhead: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not here to bug ya'll, but I am here to ask you for some money. If you ain't got money, I'll take food.
Girl: You can have my lunch.
Crackhead: What you got there?
Girl: Steak, rice, and beans...
Crackhead: No, baby, I'm worried about my cholesterol!

Chick: Oh, come on. It wouldn't be anti-Semitic if she told you to take your Stars of David off her Christmas tree.
Boyfriend, under his breath: Fucking shiksa.

Working girl #1: I love your ring. Where'd you get it?
Working girl #2: It's my grandma's. We just found her will.
Working girl #1: Wait, oh my god, when did your grandmother die?
Working girl #2: She hasn't, yet.

Limo driver: What are you trying to do?!
Cabbie: Did you not see the other guy, what he was doing? I had to move.
Limo driver: So he tries to kill you, and you move over and try to kill me?
Cabbie: What you want me to do?
Limo driver: So, you try to kill me so you don't die -- you try to kill me, then.
Cabbie: Well, then you have to die.

Hot chick walks by in Yankees sweatshirt.
Guy to friend: Dude. Dude, that girl is hot as fuck. I would hit that hard.
Mets fan nearby: Ouch. Sucks she's a Yankees fan.
Guy: What? Who the hell cares? She could have a fucking penis, and I'd still hit that shit up, down, left, right, and diagonally.
Mets fan: That's kinda gay.

Woman: Did you get off?
Friend: No! The weatherman retracted his 10 inches.

Bimbo #1: I just want to move to another state, you know?
Bimbo #2: Yeah, like further south?
Bimbo #1: No, probably Australia.
Bimbo #2: Oh my God, me too! My cousin owns this train station, we could totally go!
Bimbo #1: Nah. I have a date tonight.

Cop to cabbie: Hurry up, you Arabian fuck! Dumbass towel-heads...
Tourist mom: Do you have to use that language? There are children present.
Cop: Lady, shut up. This is New York -- either get with it or get out.
Tourist mom: This never would have happened back in Kansas City.

Tourist lady: Man, there must be something going on in New York today!
Flustered man: It's called Christmas, bitch.

Chick: Oh, so TA made this problem set?
Dude: Yeah, he made that genomics, bitchy set, too.
Chick, pointing to Asian TA in back: That's him!
Dude: Dude, no! He's white.
Chick: Oh! I've been hating on the wrong TA this whole time!

Man in shirt: ! I didn't see that shirt! That's a cool one!
Man with French accent: Oh, yeah, I got this one at the show in France.
Man in shirt: Were they screaming as loud as we were tonight?
Man with French accent: No, we put our hands over our heads and snap our fingers and say 'Ooh-la-la.'
His wife: What'd you have to do that for? You don't have to fuck around with everyone on the street!
Man with French accent, now speaking in Brooklyn accent: What's the fun of wearing a fake, five-dollar Chinatown shirt if I'm not gonna make fun of those assholes in the process?

NYU chick: No, that can't be true.
NYU dude: I'm dead serious -- I couldn't make that up!
NYU chick: So, you are honestly telling me that if you don't wash your ball sack, you will grow cheese?

Bimbette: I think Sandy* has dyslexia.
Friend: How do you know? You're not in any of her classes.
Bimbette: I know, but she's just so skinny.

Girl: Does titty-fucking actually feel good? Or does it just look hot?
Boy: Actually, it makes me physically ill. It gives me vertigo.
Girl: Should I eat my earwax?

Dude #1: You have to make a decision -- between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah...

Cashier: Girl, will you take over for me? I need a break.
Employee: What for?
Cashier: I gotta go scratch my booty.

Australian guy: Hey there, mate! I was just wondering if you were hiring staff.
Irish bar man: Yeah, we are, but you will have to speak with the boss. He is gonna be back in about 10 minutes. Do you have any experience?
Australian guy: Well, yeah, I've been doin' this for about three years back home in Sydney.
Irish bar man: That's great... Sure, I'll put in a good word for you. I'm getting sick of all the foreigners that they keep hiring.

Gangster #1: Shit, son, it's the fuckin' Statue of Liberty.
Gangster #2: That shit was a present from the French, but we still hated them hairy bastards so we sent over some biggie fries.

Girl: I went to this awesome Italian restaurant last night.
Boy: Oh, yeah? What did you have?
Girl: This thing called 'Prophylactic.'
Boy: That's 'Profiterole,' you dumbass.

Teen hippie: I hate the system with a passion. It's so systematic, I want to kill its children.
Friend: Dude, we its children.

Brunette: But... I don't know what to say to him. What do you say to that?
Redhead: Just tell him you wanna use him like a pogo stick.

Male shopper: Excuse me, do you have any sweater vests?
Salesperson: Um, we only have long sleeve vests.
Male shopper: Hmmm, can I see them?

Thug: You a fat slut!
Thugette: I ain't fat, nigga!

Irish guy: Yeah, I'm a hundred percent Irish. I just got back from Ireland this summer.
Black chick: Oh, you're Irish? I'm part Irish.
Irish guy, skeptical: Really?
Black chick: No, seriously. An Irish slave master raped my great, great grandmother.
Irish guy: Well, my family got here in 1909.

College chick #1: Have you ever noticed it always gets dark really early during this time of year?
College chick #2: Yeah, I noticed it, too. But I was thinking that since it's generally cloudier in autumn and winter that it really isn't dark out earlier, it's just really cloudy.
College chick #1: Wow, that makes so much sense!

Lady standing in line for bus: Excuse me? Can we board the bus now? It's so dirty here...
Three New Yorkers at once: Fuck you, lady
Guy passerby: I love New York.

Drunk chick: C'mon, it's only two a.m. It's too early to go home.
Drunk dude: I got an audition tomorrow for The Dirt . Y'know, that movie about Motley Crue.
Drunk chick: If you go in drunk, they will think you are so rock and roll.
Drunk dude: Okay, what's still open?

Professor: JRR Tolkien wrote an article on defending its value as a work of literature.
Female student: Didn't he write , though?

Blonde yuppie: I went dinner with Mom and him the other day, and he was talking about getting in touch with that guy in India to get his connections. He said that he wants to start smuggling drugs, too. I said to him, 'Dad, you cannot become a drug dealer.'
Blonde, yuppie sister: Oh my god, you know he would totally do that just to get attention.

Rich chick: So now he's telling me we need a kid. I don't want one, but he says we can adopt and avoid all the messy stuff.
Friend: So are you going to?
Rich chick: I said I'd consider it if we can get one that's actually white. You know. 'Cause you never really know what they're giving you.
Friend: That's so true.

White mom calling seven-year-old girl: Isis, come back over here! Don't wander off - stay where I can see you!
Black man: Woman, you name 'Isis,' and I wander as far away from you as I can get. I don't blame that girl. Isis! What kind of name is that for a little white girl? Damn! Now I white people crazy.

Gay guy: I really hate her! I just really can't stand her!
Chick: Ugh, me neither. She's such a bitch.
Gay guy: Did you know she's a robot?

Girl #1: Is it just me, or are people on the West Coast taller?
Girl #2: It's probably because people here on the East Coast are too beaten down by the wind and the shame.

Teacher: When did slavery end?
Student: Didn't it end in like, 1970, when Martin Luther King freed all the blacks?

Suit #1: Do you lose toenails periodically?
Suit #2: Seriously, I won't bone your sister.

Guy with fliers: Psychic readings! Only 10 dollars! Psychic readings!
Realist: Yo man, if that bitch knows where the money at, why don't she go get it herself?
Guy, dropping fliers: Word! I'm going to go ask that bitch now!

Girl #1: You could put yourself on a wait list.
Girl #2: Do you think I need to?
Girl #1: [Pause] W-A-I-T 'wait,' not 'weight.'
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: It's bad to internalize.

Girl, squealing: You may kiss me, I consent!
Guy: I'd rather have a dwarf chew off my balls. I hate you.

Herbal tea guy: Dude, caffeine is like, bad for you. It's like a drug.
Espresso guy: Dude, it a drug.
Herbal tea guy: Then you should stop ragging on people for doing coke.

Law student: I learned in my International Law class that diplomats can park wherever they want and not get ticketed.
Friend: You had to go to friggin' law school to learn that? I learned that from The Princess Diaries

White tourist chick #1: Oooh, look -- a black cop being friends with a white cop!
White tourist chick #2: Take a picture!

Yuppie mother: So, Dad said only if you're really good and you don't fight with your sister anymore, he'll get you that new video game you wanted.
Kid: Dad's a dick. Why'd you marry him, again?

Long Island law student #1: She is a B-and-T troll dyke.
Long Island law student #2: Dude, she commutes the city Long Island. That doesn't make her a B-and-T
Long Island law student #1: Fine. Then she's a reverse B-and-T troll dyke.

Guy #1 reading article: 'The a- of psychology'?
Guy #2: Dude, it's 'anals.' You're so stupid.

Professor: And what was the issue in this case?
Law student: The company was displaying won-ton negligence.
Professor: Okay, good, but some people pronounce it 'wanton.'

Shish kebab vendor: Are you you want the really hot sauce...? And not the regular hot sauce?
Girl: Um, why?
Shish kebab vendor: Want me to describe it? It's like if I tear out your asshole and tickle it.

Queer: So, yeah, I told him I cheated on him.
Fag hag: Oh... So you don't really love him, then.
Queer: You think so?
Fag hag: Oh, darling. When you love someone...
Queer: I know, I know, you don't cheat on them.
Fag hag: No! When you really love someone, you cheat and never tell.
Queer: You're so ahead of me.

Girlfriend: What would you do if I just suddenly grew a penis?
Boyfriend: Well, first I'd scream. Then, I'd probably jack you off.

Guy #1: What is wrong with this district?
Guy #2: I know! Every store is a liquor store.
Guy #1: There should be district liquor summer camps or something.

Dude: He's a big dude.
Lady: Even big dudes have sensitive nuts.

Undergrad #1: I think business is, like, so boring.
Undergrad #2: Yeah, well, I think history is, like, so redundant.

Girl #1: I believe in evolution and God.
Boy: What? That's stupid. You believe that if a monkey walked into a forest he'd walk out as a human?
Girl #2: She doesn't believe that, idiot. The monkey would have to stay in that forest for, like, 50 years for that to work!

NYU ditz #1: So, this hobo on the train is selling Paris Hilton's urine as perfume! It was all yellow in a jar and he was like, 'Yeah, she took a piss and I've got it to sell - 20 bucks a pop.'
NYU ditz #2: No freaking way - what did it smell like?
NYU ditz #1: Like urine - I just can't believe he collected her urine... [Baffled pause] You think it was really hers? I love Paris Hilton!

Man #1: I swear, if she asks me if I love her one more time I'm going to punch her in the goddamn face. She's driving me up a fucking wall!
Man #2: Maybe you should just break up with her.
Man #1: What, and be alone?

NYU punk girl: Whatever. I just don't like him, okay?
NYU punk guy: I just don't think him being smelly should have anything to do with it.

Angry guy: I can't believe they put up fucking scaffolding on my building!
Friend: What's the big deal?
Angry guy: Once they put it up, it never comes down. And you never see anyone ever working on it.
Friend: It's just scaffolding. Dude, you need to get laid.

Bimbette #1: Have you ever noticed that lemon-lime soda tastes like urine after a few minutes of not drinking it?
Bimbette #2: Nope.
Bimbette #1: Well, it does. That's why you have to keep drinking it -- so it doesn't taste bad. Then you get addicted to it and you buy more. It's a clever marketing scheme.
Bimbette #2: Has the government been probing your brain lately?

NYU student #1: What's that song, 'Walk Like a Man'?
NYU student #2: No, it's 'Walk Like an Egyptian.'
NYU student #3: Who sings that?
NYU student #1: Phil Collins.

JAP #1: I think I'm going to break up with him. He really has, like, no money.
JAP #2: Really?
JAP #1: Yeah. He, like, doesn't even have an iPod.

Son: Today someone in class called me a 'Jew.'
Drunk dad: Did you tell them your dad's Presbyterian and your mom's a bitch?

Toddler pointing out window: Fuck, fuck.
Mother: No, that's 'truck.' Tuh-tuh-tuh-
Toddler: Tuh-tuh-tuh-fuck.
Mother: Oh, man.

Excited teen: Danny! Check out my new MacBook Pro!
Danny: Wow, a Mac? So, now what? You're going to buy black-rimmed glasses, a shirt from Urban Outfitters, and the new Franz Ferdinand CD?
Excited teen: But... You already have all that stuff.

Mother #1: Yeah, Thanksgiving is so crazy. I decided long ago not to travel; it's too much with the kids.
Mother #2: I know. I went to California once with the kids, and it was insane!
Mother #1: We just have a nice, quiet dinner at home.
Mother #2: I know! Once, we had a pantsless Thanksgiving. We all sat around the table without any pants on and ate dinner. The boys were crawling on the table, it was great!
Mother #1: Yikes...

Chick #1: Yeah, Lovely Bones is my favorite book. Totally. What's yours?
Chick #2: Oh, this book called On the Road . It's by this guy, Jack Kerouac.
Chick #1: Yeah? What's it about?
Chick #2: It's about this beat stuff. 'Cause the guy -- he was, ya know,
Chick #1: Beat?
Chick #2: Yeah, like, him and Allen Ginsberg wrote stuff and hitchhiked and dropped out of Columbia.
Chick #1: Oh my god. Why would you ever drop out of Columbia? Must have sucked to be them.
Chick #2: Yeah, I dunno. I guess they were, like, broke.

Dude #1: Did you get that video yet?
Dude #2: No. Besides, my DVD player is broken.
Dude #1: No shit! Dude, that sucks.
Dude #2: Sure does... But not really -- there aren't too many good movies, anyway.
Dude #1: Yeah, just

Father carrying plastic pitchfork: Fuck that. Fuck that, bitch! Fuck
Mother in disheveled wildcat costume to crying son: It's okay, baby. You're not in trouble. Daddy and I are just arguing.
Father: Yeah, fuck you, Mommy. Yo, fuck that. Yo, Daddy is leavin'. Daddy is gone, boy.
Mother: It's okay, baby.
Father to son: Shut the fuck up, faggot bitch! [Turns to mother] Don't turn my son against me, bitch!

Little girl: I'm hungrier than Mom's big, fat vagina!
Dad: Well, you must be hungry then.

Cashier chick #1: Sundays, now.
Cashier chick #2: You like working Sundays?
Cashier chick #1: I working Sundays. So quiet. You could sleep, like, three hours. Will Smith came in yesterday! He was shooting a movie.

Chick #1: And they smoked pot like crazy!
Little kid: What's pot?
Chick #2: Who the hell is talking to you? Go fuck yourself. Kid runs away crying.
Chick #1: Kids today are terrible. Parents need to start beating their kids again.
Chick #2: Word.

Lady at register: My great-grandmother had nine strokes and still lived to be 98 years old.
Barista: Wow, nine strokes?!
Lady at register: Yeah, I think she was doing it on purpose. You know, to get attention.

Girl: He was wearing a t-shirt that said 'My Jewish Mother Gave Me Two Options: Law school or Medical school.'
Guy: I like that. I should make a shirt for my friend that says 'My Irish Catholic Mother Gave Me Two Options: Marry the Asshole Who Knocked Me Up and Live a Life of Alcoholic Domestic Violence or Join the Sisters of Saint Ignatius.' 'Cause clearly she chose neither.
Girl: What do you mean?
Guy: She said, 'To hell with this religious bullshit,' had an abortion, got her MBA, and is now a Junior VP at a Midtown PR firm.
Girl: Are you trying to say that religion is bullshit?
Guy, patting girl on head: No, sweetie. You go find yourself that guy wearing the Jewish mother t-shirt and you'll be fine.

Chick #1: I didn't get into any of the colleges on the east coast I applied to. I'm so bummed.
Chick #2: But you got into Miami -- that's pretty cool.
Chick #1: But that's not on the east coast. I'm going to have to get a passport and some crazy shots to go there.

Ghetto wannabe #1: Yo' rhymes are so lame it's like you took the cosine.
Ghetto wannabe #2: You so poor you go fishin' for dimes.

Tourist mom: Oh my god! Hey, look, it's an advertisement we know!
Tourist children chanting in unison: Tar-get! Tar-get! Tar-get! Tar-get!

Backpacker #1: What's up with this DNA crap?
Backpacker #2: Yeah, I know...
Backpacker #1: Yeah... Like, that spiral staircase they show on TV -- where is that in your body?
Backpacker #2: Yeah, dude, for real.
Backpacker #1: Yeah, man, you can't trust science.

20-something girl: I once broke up with a guy because he was too small.
Queer: Yikes.
20-something girl: It wouldn't have been a problem if he could have, you know, made up for it in other ways.
Queer: He wasn't creative?
20-something girl: He was in advertising.

Loud customer: Do you have She-Ra: Princess of Power?
Cashier: No, we don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out?
Cashier: No. We don't carry it.
Loud customer: It's sold out
Cashier: ...Yes.

Barista #1: Guess what I just did -- drank a whole package of frappucino mix.
Barista #2: Ew.
Barista #1: She said she'd pay me five dollars.
Barista #2: What if you get, like, diarrhea or something?
Barista #3: I'll give you seven if you get diarrhea.

Queer: Does your family have ham or turkey for Christmas dinner?
Girl: We can't have ham on Christmas, it isn't kosher. We have turkey.
Queer: Why are you celebrating Christmas if you're Jewish?
Girl: Dunno. Good question.

Girl: Hew-ston, we have a problem.
Mom: -ston, honey. Houston, we have a problem.

Chick: Your window of opportunity with me is really small. This is New York, you know? Hot people are a dime a dozen.
Guy: Yeah, okay...
Chick: But I'm in no hurry, by any means.
Guy: That's a good place to be. I'm not about seriousness at all. I take everybody as they are. I'm just trying to get laid.
Chick: Aw, it's so hard to find someone hot smart who also has a good heart.
Guy: Totally.
Chick: I'm a total hippie.
Guy: That's a good thing.
Chick: So say we bang...

NYU girl #1: Oh my god, could you imagine living in that apartment building with no windows?
NYU girl #2: Honey, no.

Mom: Nigga, you can have it when you got your own money!
12-year-old son: What you talkin' about?! That ain't your money. You bought that shit with food stamps.
Mom: Then you can have it when you get your own food stamps, Nigga!

Child: Mommy, what happened when you were 17?
Mother: Mommy turned to a life of crime.
Child: Well, what happened when you were 18?
Mother: Mommy cleaned herself up.

Hipster #1: I think he just wanted to go out in the street and have a hipster fight about it.
Hipster #2: What is that? They see who can eat the least amount of food?
Hipster #3: No, they see who can squeeze into the tiniest pants.
Hipster #1: That's funny, but I don't see how that solves anything.
Hipster #3: Whatever -- fucking hipsters.

Guy #1: Taking family members on a sex safari is not a good idea.
Guy #2: It was hardly a sex safari, idiot. I just took my brother to a massage parlor.

Girl: I think my roommate is anorexic -- she never eats, and she's lost like 40 pounds this year.
Gay friend: Good for her!

Model: My agency is the only place where I feel at home, 'cause none of the men want to fuck me.
Friend: What about at Christmas with your family?
Model: Nope.

Guy #1: It could be worse.
Guy #2: Worse? How?
Guy #1: Newark.
Guy #2: Newark... Right. I see your point.

Little girl: Do you have a wife?
Hipster: ... No...
Little girl: You don't look like you do.

Mother: Clarence! Hey, Clarence, have you got my child support check?
Son: Ha, ha! That goat looks like my dad!

Waitress: You guys are not from around here?
English tourist: No, we are from England.
Waitress: You sure do speak good English.
English tourist: Most of us do, back home.

Small man: Looks like you got a full lunch there.
Large man: Nah, just a donut, coffee, and a sandwich.
Small man: Oh, maybe just half a lunch then. [Pause] You should eat better.
Large man: Oh, I should, huh?

Chick #1: You know Gandhi? The Indian guy with the bald head and the robes?
Chick #2: Oh, yeah -- he starred in that film.

Teen girl: Do you ever feel like you're not enough? Like the more you try, the worse-off you are?
Teen guy: Totally. It's like, every game of solitaire I play, the lower score I get.

Anorexic JAP on cell: ...No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs -- have another doughnut.

Woman #1: And so I told him, 'I love New York, and I'm not coming back to Portland. When you get home, pack up our stuff and come out to New York.'
Woman #2: Wow. You better marry that boy.
Woman #1: Well, he's already married.
Woman #2: Oh...
Woman #1: It's okay, I'm in no hurry.

Old lady #1: So I think maybe that's the problem with New Yorkers.
Old lady #2: No decaf?
Old lady #1: Yep, no decaf. That's the problem.

Waiter: Every time I see you, you look younger.
Older man: Oh?
Waiter: Younger, fresher, more rejuvenated...
Older man: I'll remember you in my will.

Girl #1: You mean, your parents never kept you in a cage as a child?
Girl #2: Uh... no.

Teen boy #1: No, the gold one is called 'CD3' or something. The little one is, like, 'R4M23.'
Teen boy #2: I think the gold robot was named 'R3DM24.' It was the small one that was 'C-something.'
Teen boy #3: No, man, the gold guy was 'C3DDO,' and the little silver one was 'RH52' or some shit.
Frustrated 30-something lady behind them: The gold one is 'C3PO' and the smaller one is 'R2-D2'!
Teen boy #2: Oh, thanks -- you can tell we're not Trekkies.

Health services assistant: Can I help you?
20-something male: Yeah, okay. See, so I woke up in a hospital this morning, and I have no idea how I got there, and I can't find my Columbia ID card and so I can't get back in the dorm.
Health services assistant: Um...
20-something male: My wallet had everything left in it except my ID card. I asked all over the hospital and no one knows where my ID card is. I asked everywhere.
Health services manager: Which hospital? St. Vincent's?
20-something male: Yeah, St. Vincent's.
Health services manager: Do you know who brought you there?
20-something male: No, I have no idea how I got there.
Health services manager: Um... So how can I help you?
20-something male: How can I find my ID card?
Health services manager: Maybe check with the Lost and Found at the hospital, or go to ID services and see if someone turned it in.
20-something male: Okay. Thanks. Bye.

Sorority girl #1 texting on cell: I hate how words can sometimes spell other words.
Sorority girl #2: Yeah, I know.

Chick #1: So, I overheard that weird girl in my anthropology class talking about how she bought a glass dildo the other day.
Chick #2: A glass one? I didn't even know they made glass ones.
Chick #1: Yeah, I don't know. But imagine if it cracked -- how much that would hurt.
Chick #2: Did you ask her about it?
Chick #1: Fuck no. I figured I'd just Google it later.

High school girl #1: My family is full of sluts. My sister just had a baby, my cousin just had a baby, my other sister just had a baby...
High school girl #2: So your mom's a slut, also?
High school girl #1: Naw, my mom ain't a slut.

Extremely obese Tourette's woman: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin' fuck!
Little girl: Why is that lady shouting?
Mother: She's probably upset about something.
Little girl: Maybe she ran out of pineapple and forgot to get more at the store. Or maybe her undershirt itches. Or maybe her gerbil is sick.

Female student: I have a question -- what is the plural for 'clitoris'?
Professor: That is a question.

Meathead #1: Yo, you drinking tonight?
Meathead #2: It's Tuesday... Of course I'm drinking tonight.

Barnard girl #1: Wait, so he broke up with you? What a jerk!
Barnard girl #2: I know, but whatever -- it's his loss.
Barnard girl #1: But did he even tell you why? What a piece of shit.
Barnard girl #2: Well, no. But I think it had something to do with me not liking guys or the fact that I slept with his sister, but he didn't tell why, exactly.
Barnard girl #1: Um, yeah, okay then.

Dad: How about Akeelah and the Bee
Teen daughter: Ehhh...
Dad: What, had enough of black girls?
Teen daughter: Dad!

Kid #1: Yo, it would be awesome to go trick-or-treat here tonight.
Kid #2: Idiot, Jews have Halloween in April or something.

Guy #1: So what's the deal with that chick who was talking to you?
Guy #2: Well, I think she's absolutely atrocious. But yeah, I'd hit that.

Girl #1: Hey, so I went to that sushi place you told me to go to last night, and I got food poisoning!
Girl #2: Oh. Hey, you went there? How was it?
Girl #1: I got food poisoning.
Girl #2: Yeah, but how was it before the vomiting set in?

Teen girl #1: My teacher bought this awesome notebook for me.
Teen girl #2: Why?
Teen girl #1: 'Cause she likes me.
Teen girl #2: Is she gay?
Teen girl #1: No. She's Jewish.

Professor: Have a good weekend! [Pause] What day is today?
Students: Monday.
Professor: Shit!

Employee #1 on phone: So, I'm at your apartment and I found your pipe, but I can't find your--
Employee #2: Dude, stop... You're on speakerphone!

Teen girl #1: Are you, like, anorexic now?
Teen girl #2: That is the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Blond: You need to go jump off this balcony right now.
Brunette: It's the first floor
Blond: Good, 'cause then you'll just break your leg. I love you, I don't want you to

Boyfriend: I'm sorry, I just can't be with you anymore. You're too clingy.
Girlfriend: I'm not clingy! I fucked, like, ten other guys!
Boyfriend: While we were dating?
Girlfriend: Whatever, it was because you're not that good in bed. Oh, yeah, I faked all my orgasms, by the way. And my boobs? --Aren't water balloons!
Boyfriend: Dude. First of all, we're on a motherfucking-packed subway. Second of all, being a crazy bitch isn't going to help your case.
Girlfriend starts crying hysterically: You can't break up with me! I you! I you! I love you
Stranger, to boyfriend: If you're thinking of killing yourself after this, I sell knives.

Man #1: How was your weekend?
Man #2: Shitty.
Man #1: Well... When did you first suspect your mother was gay?
Man #2: I don't wanna talk about it, okay?

30-year-old #1: So we went out on Thursday, and he didn't call me Friday or Saturday, which was good. Then he showed up at the party on Sunday and didn't talk to me for the first 35 minutes. Yesterday, he left me a message telling me how nice the party was, and I haven't called him back.
30-year-old #2: But you like him.
30-year-old #1: Yeah, I think it's going well.

Customer: Do you have pancetta?
Deli guy: We have white cetta and orange cetta.
Customer: Okay. Do you have prosciutto?

Hipster girl #1: I better watch out -- after the weight I lost, my mom is thinking I'm anorexic or something. I should start eating more.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, or lay off the coke.
Hipster girl #1: Or that.

Little boy #1: Nudists are rich!
Little boy #2: Really? Why?
Little boy #1: They don't have to buy clothes!

Girl: [In the month of October] Why is there a leprechaun passed out on those steps?
Friend: Oh, wow. Is it April Fools' Day?

40-something preggers: So my mother insisted on coming into the room when I had my last pelvic exam.
Other patient: Seriously?
40-something preggers: What's worse is that she was standing near the doctor while he was doing the exam. She was watching.
Other patient: What? No way!
40-something preggers: Then she said to the doctor, 'Can I hold something for you?'

Hobo: Booga-wooga-wooga!
Little boy: You are a crazy man!
Hobo: Shish-ka-bobba-bobba!
Little boy: Cockadoodledoo!
Hobo: You are a crazy boy.

Mom: What's the candy situation?
Trick-or-treating child: More! More! More!

Little boy in bathroom: Oooh... Dad, I love you.
Dad outside stall: I love you, too, buddy, but you don't have to tell me that when you are on the crapper.

Kindergarten girl #1: Wow! Look at all those big trophies!
Kindergarten girl #2: Those ain't trophies. There's dead people there. Yeah, you know -- you go to church, you pray, and they put the dead person in the box, and they put the box in there. Don't you go to church?

NYU girl #1: It's almost like... a pseudo-lesbian crush... I mean, I don't wanna touch her or anything.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, I don't wanna touch her, I just...
NYU girl #1: I just, like, want her to lay in my bed with me and tell stories.

Queer pointing at eccentric woman reading sides of soup cans with a spy glass: I want to be more like that.
Girl: What, ugly?